The Vampire Diaries The Broken
by Tucker Carroll
Summary: Third Installment - 3 years after Rome and Damon's compulsion, Elena is troubled. She and Matt are not working out and her life is in shambles until she lands her dream job with a co-worker from her past that she remembers little about , Stefan Salvatore
1. Chapter 1

**PROLOGUE**

This can't be happening.

Just 24 hours ago I married the love of my love over the Tiber River. I was holding her, tasting her skin against my tongue, relishing in my fortune of her love…

How did I get from that heavenly moment to this hell – in a morgue, surrounded by dead bodies and drained blood.

I remember feeling something pierce my back. I remember the bewilderment in Elena's eyes.

"What can I do, Stefan?" Caroline looks frightened. She should be. I should rip her into pieces.

She was working with The Originals – leading them to Lindsey, then to Gia. Looking at her wide eyes and furrowed brow, her face full of fear, I now realize that her impromptu request to meet Elena and me for lunch was a set up. The wine… laced with her blood ensured that my death at the hands of the Originals would bring me back to life as a vampire. Then to force me to feed before I was conscious enough to even fight back… I should kill her.

"What can you do?" I laugh, licking at the blood on my lips and chin before wiping my mouth with the back of my hand.

She's compelled the night clerk to keep watch and he brought my clothes to me – everything will work aside from the rust-brown stained white button up shirt that I was wearing when I married Elena. I can tell by the holes in the fabric that the piercing I felt on my back was some kind of item stabbing completely through my chest. For some reason I can't quit looking at it; it's unbelievable.

"Stefan, I had no choice. I don't know how they found Gia, or how they spotted you and Elena, but Elijah was going to kill you – I had to do something!" Caroline's words work through me. She had to do something… _how about warn us? How about give me a fighting chance? _

It's been months since I've felt my anger at this frequency – where it rings in my ears and trembles through my muscles – not since before I was changed at the Temple have I felt it like this. I'll never admit it, but oh how I have missed it. It's overwhelming and sweet – thick and scalding hot – a reminder of my strength and invincibility. In these early stages after just feeding, its difficult for me to feel anything much deeper than anger, sometimes lust, but its usually just rage coursing through me. I'm in no mood to suppress it and let it take over, grasping Caroline by the throat and loving the way my fingers nearly crush her windpipe, enjoying watching her eyes bulge from her face with the pressure of my grip.

This is what it feels like to be a monster. Finding pleasure in the struggle of my victim, fighting back a smile as she whimpers and gasps for air – I'm ten times stronger than Caroline, stronger than I've ever been. "You did this, Caroline." My voice is a raw version of its normal tone as I whisper loudly into her ear, my mouth inches from her face. "You took away the only thing I've ever wanted, and so help me God you will not leave this room in once piece."

I will rip her heart from her chest, take her things, put her in the body bag I woke in, then I'll find Elena… it dawns on me that though I know Elena was okay when I drowned in my own blood on the bridge, I have no idea where she is now. The Originals could have taken her somewhere…

Thankfully, the need to find Elena calms my monstrous self just enough that I release my grip and she drops to the floor like a pile of waste before my fingers pressed through the skin of her throat. Killing Caroline will have to wait until she gives me the information that I need.

"Where did they take Elena?" I can feel myself beginning to panic – my arms are shaking and I can't keep my body still, pacing in a short semi-circle around Caroline still on the floor. When she doesn't answer me, still trying to catch her breath, I scream it, slamming my fist in the wall above her head with each word, "WHERE. IS. SHE?"

"She's in Mystic Falls!" Caroline responds just before I lay my fists into her – I would never hit a woman, never… but I give exception when the woman has led me to death and put my child and Elena in danger. There is nothing I wouldn't do to keep Elena from harm's way – I have no moral standard when it comes to keeping Elena and our unborn baby safe. "She landed a couple hours ago."

I'm confused. Why would they kill me and leave Elena? Let her go back to the states. Caroline can see my muddled thoughts and continues. "Elijah promised he wouldn't touch Elena… I couldn't bargain for your life when I thought you were dead, Stefan."

Surprised, I stand straighter and take a few breaths. _Elena is home. She is safe. Thank God_. I can die a thousand deaths if it means Elena is okay. I feel like a weight has been removed from my shoulders and bend at the waist - resting my hands on my knees like I've just ran a marathon. I cannot explain to you the relief that I feel knowing that Elena, my wife, carrying our child, is at home and alive. Killing Caroline is futile - a worthless use of my energy and I will not spend any more time on her. I grab my boots, slipping them on in quick fluid movements as Caroline stands and straightens her hair and jacket.

"I need a shirt." I say to no one in particular, just thinking aloud as I plan out my next few hours, working through what I'll need to get back to the US. My ID and passport are in my wallet in the plastic bag of my belongings that the attendant brought to me, along with all of my money and credit cards. This isn't so bad after all, I'll just get back to Mystic Falls and it will be like nothing ever happened, I was never human.

"I can have the attendant get you one, then we can stop and get something better on the way out." She heads towards the exit, going to find the clerk who is keeping a lookout just outside the door.

I huff, "We?" Caroline stops, turning to face me, her face scrunched. "We aren't going anywhere, Caroline." I fasten my belt, run my hands through my hair to make myself a bit more presentable as I move closer to her. "I'm going home." Gently, I take her face in my hands, tell myself not to crush her skull no matter how badly I want to. "I will kill you . Before this is all over with, I'll remove your organs from your body myself." I smile, pleased with the thought – I am a monster, there is no denying it. She gasps when my hands slip to her neck. "I suggest you find somewhere else to go , Caroline Forbes. Miss Mystic Falls." I laugh at the ridiculousness of her – how she's so proud of that silly small town title. "I'll peel the skin from your body and watch. you. scream. if I ever find you near Elena again."

Her eyes tear up, but I don't care, it doesn't bother me in the slightest. Caroline Forbes is no longer my friend, no longer a confidant. "Stefan, I'm sorry, I-"

I shake my head, place my finger over her lips. "No no, Caroline, shh." Popping my neck, I feel the blood rushing to my eyes and my fangs growing from my gums – I can smell the clerk just outside the door, I'll have him to fill my hunger before I head out to the airport. "You shouldn't talk. I'm barely keeping myself from ripping your head off as it is."

Shoving her out of my way, she stumbles and falls to the floor, taking a metal tray with her and creating a loud crashing sound that brings the clerk back into the room. When his eyes catch sight of my face – crimson eyes, elongated fangs and blood reminisce on my chin and neck - he sucks in a large breath of air. I wonder if he knows it would be his last.  
Before he can release a scream I've closed the distance between us, bent his neck to a nearly breaking angle and my fangs have ripped into his jugular.  
It only takes me few moments of gulping his blood before his body goes limp. Swallowing the last of it, I remind myself that I'll need to get this under control – my bloodlust – before heading back into Mystic Falls. A shadow of doubt crosses my mind, but I ignore it – Elena is the only remedy… her voice, her smile, her kiss, the taste of her… the way she looks at me when I'm on the straight and narrow – its worth more to me than any amount of blood.

Now that I'm full, I'm also guilty. I stay too long, looking down at the dead body at my feet and I'm caught off guard by Caroline's words… "Damon compelled Elena to forget you." My hands turn to tight fists as I feel something in me give, morph into something I've never known before – I don't know if its death or life or epic loneliness – I feel hollow. I turn on my heel, pivoting in place; somehow afraid that if I move it will make her words reality… she can't be telling me the truth. When my eyes find her face, forlorn and sorrowful, I know that she is not lying. "Jeremy asked him to. They were afraid she would lose the baby, Stefan."

My baby. My child in her womb. My child growing in my wife's body.

I open my mouth to speak – ask her_ why? Don't they know that she's turned me into a vampire? I'm coming home right now. I'll be there in a matter of hours_, but I can't form any sound with my paralyzed vocal chords. Caroline knows I need more information and continues. "Damon told her that you were only friends, that you and he helped save her from the tomb vampires and Klaus, but after the sun and moon ritual you both left town."

This doesn't matter does it? She'll remember once I find her, tell her how much she loves me, how we are everything to one another. She has to remember me… "I'll remind her. She'll remember..." It's barely audible when I speak, my voice thick with emotion.

Caroline takes me by my shoulders and tries to make me focus on her face – I can't see anything but Elena and the little girl from my dreams. "And then what?" She asks, "Say you can make her remember, somehow you break through the compulsion and she remembers everything – then what? Elijah will just keep coming at you. He'll kill you and then he'll know that she's pregnant, Stefan. He'll kill your child."

I'll kill him first. He's not the sire of our bloodline – I'll find Elijah and I'll stake him. Then I'll find Rebekah and Kol. I cannot lose this fight – I can't lose Elena and my child. I bite my lip hard, trying to control my shaking lips as tears rim at my eye lashes.

"Do you remember when I turned and I asked you about Matt. When I wanted your opinion on whether or not I should just let him go? Do you remember what you told me? When I asked if you thought you should let Elena go?"

I remember it – Caroline had attacked Matt and I'd just fought off my first werewolf… "I said I should have let her go."

I hang my head in defeat, the realization washing over me. As a human, Elena and I were meant for each other. We were supposed to find one another… but I am no longer a human, I am a vampire and I am cruel and filled with a darkness that consumes me in seconds. How can I be good for her? For our child?

Caroline pulls me against her, hugs me as I mourn Elena for the thousandth time. God does not want me to be with Elena – it has to be true, it's my punishment for all the evil things I've done in my years as a vampire, living for eternity with this excruciating pain of needing her. "You have to let her go, Stefan. This is your chance to let her go."

CHAPTER 1

_I talked to my doctor again today, but she's reluctant to give me another prescription – wants me to try therapy. I don't know how that would work… the problem isn't that I have so many feelings and no way to vent them. I have Bonnie. There is nothing that I cannot share with her, she is like my sister… basically is my sister now that she and Jeremy are getting married in the fall.  
I could talk with Jeremy, too. Really, he and I have never been closer. Then there is Matt… he would LOVE for me to talk to him, tell him what's wrong with me, why I can't just be happy. No, that's not the problem at all. If I need to download on someone, I have plenty of choices.  
I am happy… sort of. I can't even explain how I am feeling, much less why! How am I supposed to sit down with a shrink and go over my thoughts and concerns when I can't even figure out what those are? I can see it now – forty five minutes of silence at $60 an hour.  
It would take Matt half a day to earn that. Maybe once I find a job I'll feel better. If not, then at least I'll have insurance and can go see a psychiatrist - or a paycheck to use to shop myself happy! Until then, I'm just going to have to deal. I've sent out nearly a hundred resumes, but journalism is a dying art and "we can't keep waiting for the my dream job – this is real life." I can hear Matt's voice repeating that in my head every time I send out another resume. It's been three months since graduation, we've nearly went through all of the life insurance payouts from mom & dad, and Aunt Jenna, Allie will be starting school in a couple of weeks, and Matt needs to get back to the University and finish his degree. It's my turn to work and get him through school… together or not, he's Allie's father and we are a team. So If tomorrow's interview is a flop, then I'll start applying for entry-level jobs anywhere that will hire me.  
Hey, there's something for me to talk to a therapist about; Matt Donovan.  
Note to self, remember to tell your future shrink about how you just cannot love Matt. It doesn't matter that he's a stand-up guy, wonderful father, or that he loves me with his whole heart… nothing will change the fact that I do not love him like he wants me to.  
Sometimes I watch Matt playing with Allie and I try so hard to love him, sort of like the mental version of a dead lift – I put my entire body into it, my entire soul, but every time I end up right where I started, empty-handed and sore.  
Allie, on the other hand, she's my everything. My precious little girl with her mossy green eyes and golden brown hair – just thinking of her sweet little face makes me swell with joy. I can't believe that she's going to pre-school at the end of the month. These three and a half years have both flown by and crept along, depending on the perspective. It seems like just yesterday I was bringing her home! Bonnie was so great to stay with me and help me with those seemingly never-ending sleepless nights. Matt too, he really is a great dad.  
The truth of it all is I am happy… I have a wonderful life and have found a wonderful family in my friends….  
I just can't shake the feeling that something is missing.  
There are so many emotions in my body that cannot be attributed to any memories or any person in my life.  
Matt says he thinks I'm probably dealing with some kind of depression from the very rough few years I had – beginning with losing Mom & Dad and ending with Klaus' ritual and Aunt Jenna & Uncle John's deaths – and I am sure he's probably right. A great majority of my sadness can probably be pinned to those years… but there's something else… something is missing._

Elena closes her leather notebook and looks around the dimly lit bedroom that she's had for two years but it has yet to feel like home. It's a lonely feeling, not having a home, a sanctuary to just be. Sitting the journal on her bedside table as she slides into the embrace of her white, down comforter and lavender sheets, there is no need to look at the clock, anything past one am is just far too depressing - it was almost two when Elena last checked the time. Laying on her back and looking at all of her childhood bedroom furniture seeming out of place in her apartment, she felt her sadness weighing in on her again. Nights were the worst – she'd been struggling with insomnia since just after she learned she was pregnant and it hadn't eased up at all in over four years. A good night's rest had become anything over three hours. Gone were the nights when she could turn-in early and sleep until well past dawn. Matt had learned to sleep through Elena's tossing and turning, the on and off of her bedside lamp, and he did not seem to notice her rustling in the bed right next to him. Even if Elena could sleep in, Allie was an early riser and nearly every morning since she began sleeping in a toddler bed Elena was welcomed to the morning by her smiling face and sweet, warm cuddles - her love for Allie providing all of the energy she needed to make it through the day.  
Elena had learned that listening to music on her IPhone seemed to help ease her restless mind and being that it was already so late in the night, she reached for her ear buds and phone instinctively. It had been an exceptionally long Monday – Matt worked a double shift and Elena had bombed a telephone interview with a publishing company out of New York. She'd only had four interviews since graduation and she struggled through each one – somehow off, not able to concentrate and sell herself the way she used to be able to. Remembering her terrible interviews gave Elena a heavy heart – the way she stuttered through the most basic interview questions and forgot to bring up her accomplishments at college and on the writing team for the paper… Rolling her eyes as a way to push those thoughts away, she exhaled slowly – _tomorrow will be better._  
Elena was not only upset about her doctor's recommendation, but also nervous about her interview tomorrow afternoon. She was having an exceptionally difficult time relaxing her body and shutting down, finding rest even harder to come by. She didn't want to be negative, but after going four for four on ruining interviews, tomorrow's appointment at Paestum Publishing was already covered with a dark cloud of doubt and dread.  
Quickly thumbing through her artist list, she found who she was searching for – James Morrison. Elena owned nearly every song that he'd ever recorded, finding solace in the raspy quality of his voice and the strum of his guitar. One song in particular, when played on constant loop, was guaranteed to sooth her into slumber - when her eyes read the title, a smile played on her lips when she tapped the screen, closing her eyes and listening to the intro-bars of Better Man. Something about the song created thoughts of warm sunshine and salty air.

STEFAN's POV

"I miss food." I don't know why I just said that. It's not that I don't eat food, but the flavor of food was much sharper and perfect when I was human. It just slipped out. Caroline has made it pretty clear that she doesn't care that I miss being human and that she's glad that she forced me to change before I could even consider not completing the transition. I can see her eyes cloud over with irritation as she looks at her reflection in the full length mirror.  
"Stop watching The Food Network." She commands, not taking her eyes off of the Kelly green gown she compelled from a boutique on Carnaby Street while we were in London last month.  
Caroline has been looking forward to Saturday's education gala for quite some time, growing bored with my choice of lifestyle I assume. Taking one last look at the gyros being prepared on my television, I reluctantly turn off the flat screen and toss the remote on my pillow. I would like for Caroline to be happy with how I choose to live – working for a living, paying bills, not drinking from humans, but we've been trying this relationship for over a year now and she's growing more and more restless. Watching her now, I consider bringing up the broadcasting job I emailed her, but I already know she didn't apply for it without even asking. Just like she didn't apply for the many others I have sent her. Caroline is still a young vampire and she's curious about living the way Klaus taught her – taking anything and everything she wants, the best of the best, traveling and partying and gathering lifetimes worth of experience and memories.  
I've lived that way, spent a century doing just that – hazed in a fog of human blood and expensive alcohol – and I'm just not interested in it any more. She attributes it to the short time I was able to live as a human after I took down Klaus. Maybe she's right, maybe those four and a half months ruined me to the ways of a vampire… or maybe living like this is the closest I'll ever get to the life I could have had if Kol had not shoved a stake through my human heart.  
When I pop my neck, I feel Caroline's eyes on me. She knows me pretty well, can see that I'm getting angry recalling all the things that I could have had, who I had to let go.  
"Stefan, please don't start this again." She frowns at me through her reflection, then turns to me as she peels the satin dress off of her body, letting it pool at her feet -revealing her strapless bra and bikini cut panties. I look her over – she has a great body and camellia white skin, but other than being able to appreciate her obvious beauty, I'm just not interested in her most of the time.  
I close my eyes, pinch the bridge of my nose and sigh loudly. "If I had the choice, I wouldn't, but what am I suppose to do?"  
Caroline sits next to me on the edge of my bed, comfortable enough with me to take my hand in hers. I know she wants more out of our relationship and she is my very best, and only, friend – it's been a long time since I've even seen Damon, my best friend by birth – but I'm sweaty from my run and I'm hungry for blood and hungry for a gyro, so I secretly hope she isn't expecting anything reciprocal from me. I keep my eyes on the floor as not to give her any hope. We've slept together a handful of times and it was good – it took care of the urge - but I'm pretty sure she feels the same about it as I do; we've experienced making love with the great loves of our endless lives… nothing else will compare.  
"Isn't it about time for your annual stake-out?" She smiles, squeezing my hand. I relax a bit – this is Caroline Forbes my friend, not Caroline the vampire trying to use me to fill a Klaus-sized void in her life. I turn to her, look at her face and smile, happy that she's not aware of the fact that my 'annual' visit to check on Elena and my daughter, Allie, is more like a twice a month trip to Charlottesville. I've found a million reasons to go visit, making that five hour trip from Wilmington to Charlottesville so many times in the past three years that I know it by heart - every exit, every bump in the road.  
I was there when Allie was born – I even compelled my way into the nursery and watched my tiny little girl sleeping for over an hour, made a stop to see Elena but was scared to go in when I saw Matt and Jeremy sleeping in her room. Other than the little bit of information Caroline got from Bonnie right after the fact, I don't have any idea if they would recognize me or be scared of me or what.  
I've stood in the background of Elena and Allie's lives and watched Allie learn to crawl, how to use a sippy cup, laughing as she plays at the park across from their apartment. I was there when Elena received the Hubbard Award for up-and-coming young writers… had to physically restrain myself from going to her and asking her to dance at the Whiting Awards Ceremony. She came in second and there was a sadness about her that I could see from all the way across the ballroom; it was a dreadful feeling, knowing that I could do nothing to show her how wonderful her writings were. Over the years, I've left her little gifts – nothing big really; a lyric that I couldn't shake, a snippet from a book that reminded me of her – I'm sure she thinks Matt left them for her. Inside her car, tucked under her journal, a Stargazer lily left at her door step. I sat in the crowd and cheered for her when she graduated a couple months back, dying inside when she stood in Matt's embrace, holding our daughter, smiling for Bonnie's camera… it was probably my imagination, but I swear I could see something in her eyes, a longing.  
Yea, it's a good thing Caroline doesn't know that I can't go more than a few weeks without seeing Allie and Elena. It's a good thing that Caroline hasn't come across my scrapbooks of pictures I've taken with my phone, articles Elena wrote for her college newspaper – Caroline would not be happy with my obsession, even if she does understand it.  
"Why don't you take a shower and head out. You'd probably enjoy the drive and I'm sure seeing them would make you feel better." Caroline adds, resting her head on my shoulder. She moves her finger tips up my arm, a soft, stroking touch that catches my attention.  
Standing, not comfortable with Caroline's closeness when Elena's chocolate brown eyes are clouding my mind, I pull off my t-shirt and use it to wipe the sweat from my neck and chest. "I have to be at work in a couple of hours." I move away from her – thinking of Elena is causing my mind to drift to places I don't want it to go. I don't want to expend my desire for Elena… I want it to suffocate me. When I've acted on my impulses in the past – closing my eyes and imagining Elena while being with Caroline – it has left me feeling empty and void. I've learned that I prefer to be beat down and brooding with my longing for Elena than to release it and be alone without it.  
Caroline moves on to her hands and knees – I look away quickly, hope she doesn't notice – then crawls to the side of the bed she sleeps on when she stays over, and slips under the covers. It's six in the morning and I've already pounded out a 5k while she's just going to bed – we live such opposite lives. "You're an editor… I don't think the world is going to end if you skip a day of reading a bunch of terrible books from unknown authors."  
I laugh, she's right, no one would notice if I did call in, but I enjoy my job. Besides myself, there are only three others that work in the colonial style office; Robert Dexter, the owner/CEO, Pepper McAfee, my co-editor, and Jennifer Cotton, the editorial assistant. It's an easy environment comprised of four book nerds that don't care to chit-chat. Besides a quick 'good morning' or 'have a good afternoon', we don't do a lot of talking and I'm left alone to brood. I have a decent office where I can play some music and read from morning to night – the view of Riverfront Park is nice too, especially during dusk and dawn. I've found myself staring out of my picture window for long stretches of time, lost in thoughts of chestnut brown hair and mocha-raspberry lipgloss.

ELENA's POV

Bonnie: Good luck! Allie says she loves you!  
Smiling at the thought of my sweet little, Allie, I turn my phone off and slip it in my red Kate Spade bag. I have twenty minutes before my interview and need to freshen up a bit. I've downed two cups of coffee and have munched on Allie's Honey Nut Cheerios for the entire five hour drive. Luckily, I have a couple pieces of chewing gum and I brought my entire makeup bag.  
Popping a piece of the spearmint gum in my mouth, I search until I find my powder and mascara. When I flip the visor down and catch myself in the mirror, I'm caught off guard by how much I look like Katherine. It's been so long since I've even thought of her that I'm surprised when her name comes to mind. It must be how I have my hair tied back with a few loose strands curled and framing my face. She always wore pretty heavy eye makeup, so I'm sure the charcoal and grey eye shadow that Bonnie did for me is part of the reason I thought of her, too. Shaking my head to rearrange my thoughts, I practice my breathing techniques to keep myself calm. After applying a quick coat of mascara, I touch up my lipgloss and repack my bag, taking out the saddle brown leather notebook that holds a couple copies of my resume, the awards I've won, and a legal pad for me to take notes on. I'm sure I'll just freeze and stutter and stammer… but what does it matter? This job is in North Carolina! Even Matt laughed when I told him I was going to accept the interview. There is no way I can move here.  
Though, from the looks of the town, Wilmington would probably be a nice place to raise Allie. The streets and buildings are all turn of the century colonial-style mixed with seaside whites and greens and tans. There's a bicycle lane for bike commuters and several people on the sidewalks shopping and peeking in the windows of the various shops.  
When I step out of my Explorer, the smell of warm, salty air is calming and cleansing – I can immediately see how someone could love living in this clean and well-taken care of Americana town.  
Smoothing the length of my black wrap dress, I remind myself to stand straight, smile, be confident… don't blow it.

Paestum Publishing is a small outfit, the office located directly across from the river and not much bigger than my apartment in Charlottesville, I'm somehow immediately put at ease with its welcoming atmosphere. Most of the furniture is sandy wood colored, accented with mint green and sky blue, and the receptionist smiles kindly when I open the door.

"Hello, you must be Elena Gilbert." She coos at me. She's a very pretty girl, probably not more than 20 years old with full lips and huge blue eyes that seem too big for her heart-shaped face. I notice that her long auburn bangs probably make her eyes appear even bigger than if she were to grow them out. I'm not surprised that she knows my name, by the looks of the place they don't get many visitors – there is no place to sit, no waiting room of any sorts.

"Yes, hi." I extend my hand and she stands to shake. "I have an appointment with Mr. Dexter."

"Mr. Dexter is on a call at the moment, but if you want I can take you into our conference room and you can wait there." It sounds like a question, but she turns on her heal and leads me through the tight hallway and into a room with one long table surrounded by eight chairs before I can respond. "I'll let Robert know you've arrived." I start to nod, but she's already backed out of the door and headed down the hall.

Taking in the sandy brown walls and dark hardwood floors, I try to look like I'm not terrified by sitting my leather binder on the shiny table, opening it and flipping through my resumes, silently repeating the things I need to say. _I love books, I am honored to have the opportunity to interview, I won this, I have that, I did this, I'd like to do this…_ what's the use.

I can feel my chest getting tighter and tighter with anxiety as my finger tips begin to shake holding my Hubbard Award. When I hear my teeth chatter in my closed mouth, that's when I am sure of it – I will bomb this interview. I have driven five hours to spend yet another fifteen minutes embarrassing myself as I stumble over the most basic words of the English language. I can't do this again – another rejection is one too many, I decide, and flip my binder closed. I stand – I'm leaving.

That's when I hear music coming through the wall behind me – it's just a barely loud enough for me to hear James Morrison's voice singing the first couple of lines of I Won't Let You Go. I frown. I've yet to meet anyone who listens to James Morrison and this song in particular is odd to hear at such a stressful time. It's about being in the moment, staying calm, and getting through a difficult time. I don't want to be silly, but I can't help but believe that hearing this song at this exact moment is a sign.

I smile to myself, clench my jaw, and move back to my seat just as a large, boxy man in a pair of chino's and a _too-tight around his belly_ pink Izod polo comes into the conference room – Mr. Robert Dexter.  
"I apologize for my rudeness." He smiles, the crow's feet around his nearly black eyes remind me of George Clooney, though Mr. Dexter is about sixty pounds overweight and has a full head of silvery-white hair and goatee to match – both long and unkept like the KFC guy, but younger, in his early 50's, probably. He has the look of a past-their-hey-day jock, muscular but covered in a few layers of fat. There's something about his smile and his perfect teeth that exudes confidence without arrogance. I like him immediately. "I've got a son about your age who's decided that India is the place for him, but when he needs some cash, it's always me he calls." Dexter tries to sound exasperated about it, but there's a playful tone in his words that leads me to think he doesn't mind it as much as he'd like me to believe.

"India, wow!" I smile, feeling a bit envious of this money-needing son. "I've never been out of the states." There's something about how I say that, it makes it sound like I'm lying. Mr. Dexter must catch it too because he narrows his eyes at me for the slightest of moments, but quickly returns to his original, jovial expression as he takes a seat caddy corner to me.

"He's working with a missionary – he's a nurse." Mr. Dexter laughs like something is ridiculously funny. I give my best laugh too, though I'm not sure what we're laughing about. "How was your drive? Not too bad I hope."

"Oh no, it was not too bad." _Don't repeat word for word._ "The weather was perfect and traffic wasn't too bad." _Can you not think of another adjective? _ I take one of my resume/awards copies from my leather binder and offer it to him. "I brought my um, resume for you to review in case you didn't have it… on file, I mean."

"Great, thank you. Pepper was supposed to join us and have this ready for me, but she's not coming in today." Pepper was the woman who called me for an interview – I'd assumed the receptionist was Pepper, but I guess not. "Mr. Salvatore will be joining us in just a moment."

_Salvatore…_

I'm flooded with a rush of untitled emotions that make me feel flushed and increase the rate of my already rapid heartbeat. It can't be Damon; he'd never get a job doing anything, much less sitting around reading books. I'm completely sure that if it is one of the Salvatore brothers that helped save me from Klaus and the tomb vampires in Mystic Falls, then it is going to be Stefan Salvatore. An image of his face flows into my mind – from history class, catching him looking at me with that smile – the thought gives me butterflies.

"Ah here he is," Mr. Dexter's voice is boasting & loud – turning in his seat to face the door.  
My eyes move in slow motion from Mr. Dexter - bulbous, white hair, and bright clothing to the fit, tall, dark-haired and burning green eyes, starched white shirt and grey slacks of the man standing in the door way – from one extreme to the other. Stefan Salvatore has not changed a single bit. He's still got that romance novel serious look on his Roman face and I can tell by the way his shirt hugs his chest, the rolled up sleeves curve around his arms, and the way his pants hang from his hips that he's still got that Greek God sculpture of a body.

Stefan stops in his tracks, cocks his head to the side a bit as his eyes trail over me – he must recognize me but it appears he can't place me. I wonder just how many doppelgangers he and his brother have saved in their vampire lives.  
"Stefan Salvatore, this is Elena Gilbert, she's interviewing for Pepper's opening." Stefan doesn't look away from me when Mr. Dexter introduces us. I swallow under his heavy gaze – he looks angry, or upset, or sad – I can't quite tell. It takes him a moment, but he quickly loses the strange emotion that I saw on his face and he gives me a smile, extending his hand. I'm immediately overwhelmed with some chest-pressure kind of feeling that makes me want to melt. Surely I'm not having this reaction to Stefan because I find him so attractive, alluring… I'm a grown woman with a child and I suddenly feel like I have to have him. I settle for shaking his hand – but even then the feeling just multiplies when his rough fingers graze against my skin.  
I'm trying to catch my breath, concentrate on not looking at him like I'm a starved animal when he speaks, "Have we met before?"  
Elated that he remembers me, I smile up at him; give him a flirty look with my head tilted down just a bit. "You went to my high school for a year or so." That doesn't seem right… but it does seem right at the same time. Another one of the many things in my life that I know for sure, but don't.  
"High school? Damn it, Stefan, how old are you?" Mr. Dexter asks with a chuckle. I look his way, Stefan does not – his eyes are still on me.  
"Twenty-six." He responds. I feel his thumb stroke the top of my hand just before he lets it go. I shiver when I look back at him and see something mischievous in his emerald eyes.  
Mr. Dexter looks over my resume – Stefan and I are standing in front of each other and I feel like he's inventorying me, causing my chest to heave slightly with each breath I take. Mr. Dexter clears his throat before he speaks as if he's attempting to interrupt something. "You're what, Elena, twenty four?"  
"Twenty-three. " I take a step back, I can't breathe so close to Stefan. I can't think about anything but his eyes and his mouth, the friction of his skin against mine.  
"Her birthday is in a couple of weeks, right? The 28th." Stefan adds and again, I'm filled with joy as he remembers my birthday. _Have we met before? _He remembers me much better than he is letting on. A smile takes over my face and I can't speak – I just nod.  
"Well come on, let's get this started. I'm ready to call it a day." Mr. Dexter waves us to the table. I move back to my seat and secretly wish Stefan would sit next to me – I'm like a twelve year old girl all of a sudden – but he steps behind Mr. Dexter, pulling one of the leather office seats back from the table and sitting. "Did you look over that Broganna piece?" Mr. Dexter asks Stefan without looking at him; focusing on my resume.  
Stefan sits back in his seat, leaning it back a bit and resting on his right arm – those green eyes looking at my face. "Yea. Turn it down." He responds confidently. "He's a fair author but there's a void in his vocabulary that leaves me questioning if the majority of the readers will be able to tell that he's not as intelligent as he'd like them to believe." There is something about the way he is positioned in the chair, Stefan is emitting sex and confidence – I have to mentally remind myself to not look at the stretched fabric at the crotch of his pants. The temptation is so difficult to resist that I decide to stare down at my fingers even though I can feel his eyes sweeping over me.  
"Hmm." Mr. Dexter hums in a disgruntled tone. I look to him, wondering if he's unhappy with something on my resume and am caught up by Stefan's gaze again. There's something about his expression that makes me what to ask him 'what?' – it's like he's keeping a secret or something. "Are you working anywhere?"  
It almost doesn't register with me that Mr. Dexter has asked me a question as I'm trying to decipher Stefan's face and when I do answer it's quick and abrupt, sharp. "No." I'm immediately embarrassed. It gets worse when I see Stefan's eyes look away from me.  
"What kind of position are you looking for? I see you've got a few accolades here, and you graduated near the top of your class. We're a small publishing company, Elena. We try to find unique and under-developed writers… help draw them out and form them."  
_That sounds perfect. That is exactly what I want to do for the rest of my life. I want to spend hours and hours poring over words and sentences and paragraphs._ "That's fine." I'm so nervous. Distracted.  
_Really, that's all I can come up with? What happened to everything I'd just thought?_  
Mr. Dexter purses his lips at my response. I don't even look at Stefan. I can't bear to see him frowning at my lack-luster response.  
"What's drawn you to this type of work? It can be tedious, boring even." Mr. Dexter tries again.  
"I like to read, a lot. I write too. I um, when I was little I wrote too." _Oh my God, I sound like an idiot._ "I like books too."  
When Mr. Dexter cuts his eyes at Stefan I can feel tears beginning to pool up at my eye lashes. I can't do this. There is something wrong with me and I am not right anymore, something inside of me is refusing to work and I have just bombed my final attempt of getting the job I've always dreamed of.  
Stefan clears his throat, drawing my gaze up from my lap – I know he's a vampire and for a moment, when I start to feel calm in his warm, evergreen gaze, I wonder if he's compelling me as we share a long moment looking into each others eyes. "You're piece on texting and autocorrect, the one published by The Chicago Tribune, how they are ruining the English language. It was beautifully written." I blink a few times – I can't remember that being on my resume. "Was that an assigned piece?"

My lips shake when I answer. "No," I remember Tara, the editor of the UoV newspaper, telling me that I was wasting my time with the topic – then watching her seethe with jealousy when she had to tell me and the entire newspaper staff that the Chicago Tribune picked it up. "it was my idea. Don't get me wrong, I love spell check and texting abbreviations as much as the next person, but when a ten year old knows 'bbl' to be a valediction and spells tonight with a number two it's hard to deny that the English language is depreciating." _Hey that sounded rather intelligent.  
_Mr. Dexter nods his head, agreeing with me.  
"And then Whiting Awards. I was shocked that you came in second." Stefan sounds like he's talking about his favorite sports team – as if he's really passionate about my successes and failures alike.

"Whiting?" Mr. Dexter rolls his eyes, leaning back in his seat at rubs his stomach mindlessly. "That panel is full of a bunch of hipster assholes who wouldn't know a classic book from a Sunday morning comic strip."

I laugh – I can't say that I know anything about the panel, but the fact that they awarded first place to a writer how had more run on sentences than I could stand to read, I have to agree with him.

"What do you read?" Stefan's voice is soft, warm. I look at him, quickly wipe below my eyes as nonchalantly as I can. "What's your favorite book?"

"Wuthering Heights. Anything by the Bronte sisters."

He smiles at me, its sweet and kind. "If all else perished and he remained, I should still continue to be." I don't know why I'm surprised that he can quote Wuthering Heights, I have a feeling that he can probably amaze in just about any arena.

Almost automatically, I finish the verse for him, "and if all else remained, and he were annihilated, the universe would turn to a mighty stranger." We share a long moment, a knowing gaze into each other – I'm calmed. "That's a great piece, but the most heartbreaking verse is hardly given the credit it deserves. When he's crying out to Catherine's ghost, all alone and broken. In my opinion it's the core of the entire story."

Stefan nods, agreeing, then repeats the my most favorite verse – one I've read over and over hundreds of times – I can open the book to the exact page, even - but have never truly felt the words until this moment.. "Haunt me then." He pauses, those green eyes cutting into me – I can feel the pain in his words. "Be with me always. Take any form, drive me mad, only do not leave me in this dark alone where I cannot find you. I cannot live without my life." When he stops, licks his lips, I inhale a shaky breath when I see his teeth graze across his bottom lip. My mouth silently forms the words he's speaking "I cannot die without my soul."  
If it's possible for two people to engage in verbal foreplay during an interview… then that's what has just happened. I can feel my body heat actually rising now, our eyes locked in a telling gaze – it's an intensity that I can barely stand, but at the same time, it feels familiar somehow.  
Mr. Dexter sits my resume down and leans back in his chair. "That's the core of Wuthering Heights?" His voice is skeptical, as if he has another idea.  
I've read this book fifty times if I've read it once – I know this book. "Absolutely."  
"Wuthering Heights is about a couple well-to-do brain farts that can't get their shit together." He responds.  
I chuckle sarcastically, "No, it's from another time. One couldn't run out into the square and marry the first person they fancied. Catherine loved Heathcliff, but by the time he'd made himself worthy of her status – which was very important for survival – she'd already promised herself to another. Wuthering Heights is about unrequited love, timing, and eventually, how this unresolved passion eventually destroys them all."  
"Emily Bronte was street performer when compared to Charlotte!" Mr. Dexter says back to me, nearly hollering, very involved in this debate we've started.  
I smile, "How could she be compared? You can't look at them 'apples to apples' for the sole face that Jane Eyre only had the success that it did because everyone thought Ellis Bell wrote it… sexism in its finest form."  
"Oh Jesus, you sound just like Salvatore. Hopeless romantics…" Stefan and I laugh; I'm suddenly feeling more confident.  
Stefan crosses his arms, rests his elbows on the table. "What about from the twentieth century? What stands out for you?"  
I open my mouth, and for the moment I've found my voice again – I've grasp ahold of the Elena that has been dodging my mental hold for quite some time. "Animal Farm, of course. I loved Judy Blume's Are You There God. " I remember one my favorites and clap – yes I actually clap my hands together. "OH and Atonement!" Stefan's eyes are bright and dancing as I speak, I can see he is thoroughly happy that I've shaken my nerves and am opening up. "McEwan is crafty. Even as he shows us the deadly force of storytelling, he demonstrates its bewitching tendencies on every page. Then he leads you to a surprise ending in which the power of fiction, which has been used to undo lives, is used again to heal."

STEFAN's POV

I'd never seen Elena like that before. Stammering and almost lost in her own head. But then again, I've also never interviewed her for a job before. When I walked into the room, saw her standing there, I've got to be honest – I thought she was Katherine. It took me a second to see it, that innocence in the warmness of her eyes, but once I did, my heart was hers all over again. I was filled with happiness, fury, love, longing… but what could I do? I had no idea if she knew me or not. I mean, she looked at me like she recognized me immediately, but who knows! Compulsion is a tricky game and it's hard to say exactly what is going on in her mind after all of these years.  
It's been a good five minutes since she and Dexter started this debate over The Catcher in the Rye and whether or not it has lost it's edge in the twenty first century - if it weren't for Pepper's interrupting, it may have continued.

"I'm sorry, I need to take this call." Dexter stands and shakes Elena's hand, "Stefan can finish up." He turns to me and gives a nod. It could be a 'see you later' nod, or a 'take over' nod… but it feels like a 'this is our new editor' nod. I've worked for him for going on two years – no compulsion necessary to get the job mind you – and I know that the only thing that he truly feels passionate about is books. This man loves to debate and dissect novels and magazine articles alike. Once I got Elena on Wuthering Heights, I knew that if she could open up, she'd have the job.

I wait for Dexter to exit and go to start the interview again, looking at the interview questions Dexter has left on the table, when I'm hit with that buzz, that magnetism… it's all over me, just like the last time I saw her – it's gravity pulling me to her and I'm weak to its pull. Maybe it's because I wasn't expecting it, or because it's been so long that I've felt it… or maybe I don't want to rebel against what I truly want…  
We're quiet for a moment while I pretend to read over the questions when the truth is I'm mentally beating myself down, working to keep control of my body - it's been almost four years since she and I have laid eyes on each other. Four years since we've been alone in a room together, my wife and I.

"Thank you." She says quietly, leaning towards me. "I was so nervous, I don't know what happened there." I look up at her, my brow furrowed. "For helping me, I mean. I can't believe you remembered that I loved Emily Bronte."

She's smiling at me. This sweet, somewhat shy smile – I have to look away again. "It's fine. Interviews are hard." I clear my throat, wishing that she'd stop looking at me that way. My eyes land on a random question and I ask it just to try and get her talking – stop the smiling. "Tell me about your ability to work under pressure or about a time in your life when you had to manage a great deal of stress."

She laughs – it has a bigger affect on me than her smile. "Well, I went out on date with this vampire once. One thing led to another and shortly thereafter my hometown was invaded by a bunch of tomb vampires & my ancestor vampire, I happen to be a doppelganger, and my uncle slash biological father gave up his life for me so that I could live through a ritual that gave an original vampire the ability to be a werewolf." WOW, okay, so she does remember some things. She knows I am a vampire. That's good, I guess. "Stressful enough?"

This time it's me who laughs, "Yea that was a ridiculous question. Sorry." I decide to use this time with her to find out what it is she remembers. "But, I recall we went out more than once, didn't we?"

Quickly, her eyes cut away from me and I can see the pink flush of her cheeks – I swallow, somewhat nervously. I hear her heartbeat quicken, catch the change in her breathing. She's remembering me, us. From the slight upward curve of her mouth it must be good memories. When she looks at me again, that innocence in her eyes has been replaced with something that looks sad, lonely even. I have to touch her – If I am to live one minute longer I have got to touch her – and I do.

My hand moves slowly across the table to hers - my fingers graze the top of her hand, over the ring I gave her when I proposed in Rome. I'm inspecting her face as she watches my fingers touching her skin. There is something different about Elena and it's hurting me, wrenching at my very soul to know that she's changed somehow.

"How have you been?" I ask. What can I say really? How are you now that you've been compelled to forget me? What's it like raising our daughter alone? How's it been going through life not knowing just how much you are loved? When she curls her fingers into a fist, slipping from my touch, I know that it's been hard. Harder than I can imagine, I am sure. I've been compelled; I remember how it leaves you feeling eternally lost, out of control, enslaved to an imaginary master.

Elena inhales deeply, raises her eyebrows and gives me a false smile. "I'm fine. Everything is fine." I wonder for a moment if I've been too forward, just reaching and touching her like that. I feel bad for my indiscretion, but at the same time I don't – this is my wife sitting in front of me, that ring a symbol of our love.

"You're still going by Elena Gilbert. I was half expecting you to be Elena Donovan by now." I probe.

"Hmmm, yea, I think most people have given up on that." She smiles, leaning back in her chair and crossing her legs. "Well, everyone but Matt." I can tell by her tone that this is a point of contention and I'm quite proud of her for not giving in and marrying Matt, the easy choice. Don't get me wrong, if she could be happy with him then I would accept it… Matt Donovan is a less experienced human version of me. We're both pretty easy going, loyal to a fault, and desperately in love with Elena. The major difference in the two of us, other than I'm a vampire with a good 140 years on him and a dark past, is that Elena loves me. Loved me. Whatever. "How about you? Given that vampire heart away yet?" She asks as a way to change the subject.

I immediately regret my answer, "…not since Mystic Falls."

Elena narrows her eyes at me – she's skeptical, I think. When she smiles at me, I know it's not a happy, that was sweet of you to say kind of smile. She's mad. "Listen, Stefan. I really need this job. I really _want_ this job, but I'm older now and I have a little girl, so if you're planning on rehashing Mystic Falls, then I need to make sure you are aware that I am not interested." I sit back, square my shoulders, hoping that I'm not looking at her with too much of a pissed off expression – but I have to say, she is rubbing me the wrong way here. _Rehashing Mystic Falls? _What the hell does that mean anyway? "Do you have any other questions?" I open my mouth – I want to know what the hell she's talking about. As far as I know, rehashing Mystic Falls would be me and her being head over heels happy… what would be wrong with that? She's obviously NOT happy, not even close. "Related to the job or my education, I mean."

I run my tongue across my teeth; feel my lip snarl a bit. Elena has quickly turned very cold, very… Katherine-like. "When can you start?"

MATT's POV

Allie hasn't been asleep for long when I hear Elena coming in. I consider pretending to be asleep here on the couch – I realize how terrible that is, I do, but I've spent the last five years of my life bending over backwards for Elena and I'm growing short on patience. I love Elena. I love her like a friend, even sort of the way I love Vicki… especially the last few years. When Jeremy asked me to do this – play the role the Stefan should have taken – I thought I would love it. I thought that, in time, Elena and I would fall in love like we were in high school. It's long enough that I know it is not going to happen. Whether she remembers Stefan or not, she remembers that she doesn't love me that's for sure. And it's not just on her, either, I mean I don't love her the way a man should love the mother of his child.

I forget sometimes that Alexia is not my daughter. I mean if I really look at her, dissect her face it's easy to see Stefan. She's got her father's green eyes versus my blue, Stefan's wavy brown hair, not my straight blonde. The shape of her mouth and nose, it's all Salvatore. But I am her daddy no matter who her father is. I love her so much. She's the family that I never had growing up. When Elena and I finally end this pretend relationship the hardest part will be leaving Allie. I'll have her on weekends and whatnot, but it won't be the same…

"Matt." I'm not pretending, I actually fell asleep. Elena's hair is wet and she's wearing that God-awful gray tee shirt that she's had forever. I must have fallen asleep when she came in and made it all the way through her shower without waking – a plus side of sharing a bed with a woman who has severe insomnia – there is NOTHING that can shake me when I sleep.

I find it sad that the fact that Elena is smiling, a real, bright smile, is odd. "Matt, I got the job!"

I'm relieved, instantly smiling back at her with my half asleep voice telling her congratulations as she hugs me. I've been working as many hours at the UPS shipping center as they will let me – but I was on a student program and my boss has been giving me shit about not being a student anymore. Elena getting a job, any job, is going to really help out. I mean, we've barely been scraping by on my paycheck. I want to ask her questions, but I cannot remember where she was interviewing or for what job – the last thing I want to do is piss her off when I haven't seen her this happy in a long time. Unless it's something to do with Allie, Elena is pretty much on the low end of emotions.

Luckily, Elena starts talking and filling in my blanks for me. "It's going to be great, Matt. The office is small, not too small really. I mean it will be me, the owner, and two other editors. They specialize in forming new authors so I'll be really involved versus if I would have got that McGraw Hill job, I would have been like brining coffee and things like that for at least a couple of years!"

That's great, really, but I need to know the specifics. "What kind of salary did they offer you?" A small publishing company probably cannot pay like McGraw did and even then, $33,000 a year isn't that much for a family of three. With gas prices and our student loans, now Allie is going to be going to school and Elena wants her to go to a private school…

Elena pauses for a minute, purses her lips before answering me. "Fifty."

I narrow my eyes, fifty what? Fifty thousand a year? "What? Seriously?" Okay now I am really excited. Why would she pause like that? "What's the catch?"

She laughs, gathering her hair over one shoulder and twisting it like she does when she gets nervous. "Nothing. No catch." I see her face change a bit.

"So when do you start? Where's the office?" I sit up, really excited about her new job and filled with energy. I must've said something wrong because Elena tilts her head to the side a bit, her smile is replaced with O shaped lips. "What?"

"Where's the office? Matt I've been gone since ten this morning…" I'm not sure what she's getting at. "It's in Wilmington, North Carolina!" She stands, hands on her hips for a moment as she observes me figuring out why she's pissed off. I feel like shit, but geez – I didn't really pay much attention before because she's had such shitty luck with interviews. Plus, I'm dog ass tired.

"Elena, I forgot. I'm tired." I try, not very hard really. Just enough to keep this from being too big of an argument. "Sorry."

She stays quiet for a moment longer, crossing her arms over her chest. "I'm moving this weekend."

Did she say I or We? I look at her, trying to replay her words. "You can come if you like, Matt. But I'm taking Allie and we're moving. I can't pass up this opportunity." Elena's soft voice is contradicting the stone-cold words coming out of her mouth. She's very dispassionate about telling me that we're over.

"You're not taking Allie anywhere." Suddenly I'm ready to argue. I stand. "That's my daughter in there, Elena and I'm not going to let you take her five hours away from me."

She pulls at the hem of her tee shirt, I'm sure she's wishing it was longer, doing a better job of covering up her yellow panties. She doesn't need to worry about me looking her over – she's as beautiful as ever but she's not the girl I loved when I was sixteen. "I'm not taking her away from you, Matt." I wish her voice was more forceful, more argumentative – it's just quiet and factual. "You and I aren't wor… we don't…" she sighs, gathering her thoughts. "Do you really want to keep doing this?" Elena uses her hand to motion between us.

"Do I want to keep being Allie's father?" I ask, trying to goad her on.

Elena sits on the couch, grabs my hand and pulls – she wants me to sit. I consider jerking my hand from hers, but really, what is it that I want to fight about. When I sit, I rest my elbows on my knees and put my head in my hands. Don't get me wrong, I'm thankful that this charade is finally ending, but damn it still hurts.

"Look, we can work this out. We can make this work if we want it to, but I think we've both been pretending that there is more here than there truly is." Elena covers our intertwined hands with her other, rubbing the top of my fingers like I am an unruly child that she's trying to calm. "I love you, Matt, but I'm not in love with you…"

"People don't stay _in love_, Elena." I frown. "That's all just a bunch of Hollywood bullshit…"

When she doesn't respond, I turn to look at her and I swear I see a glimpse of Elena Gilbert from years past in her eyes. I've missed her terribly and when she quickly fades, it hurts me. "Maybe, maybe not… I don't know. But I think we both owe it to ourselves to at least look for it, don't you?"

_Matt has been sleeping on the couch all week and I've actually slept a little bit better without him in here with me. Is that as terrible as it sounds? I don't know. I don't really have time to decipher what that may or may not mean with the packing and the planning and the internet apartment shopping. I got an email from Stefan Salvatore telling me about a couple of decent places and I think one of them may just work out. Also, another high note of the job that Stefan forgot to mention, they are paying my relocation expenses which includes having a moving company help me out of this apartment and unload at my new one, as well as my first month's rent and deposit. Bonnie thought that was crazy, a little odd even – I'm sure if I would've told her that Stefan was going to be my co-editor that she would have made an even bigger deal about it, but I'm not thinking about all of that.  
I spent almost 6 hours driving home from Wilmington fuming about his pompous come-on. Seriously, after how he played me back in high school then just up and left, why in the world would he think I'd be interested in starting that up again? Touching my hand, asking about Matt – We dated more than once if I recall – Yea, Stefan. I fell hopelessly in love with you. You were my first love, my first lover… my first so many things! But you know, what am I to expect for a 170 something year old vampire? He's just as arrogant as his brother.  
Doesn't matter, I'm over him. I'm not going to allow the fact that he pretty much made a pass at me change the fact that I am thrilled with my new job! It's going to be wonderful! I can't believe I'm going from working on applications and resumes from my dining room table to a real, true office! An office next to Stefan's, mind you, but whatever. He's emailed me twice and I had to call him once and he hasn't been anything less than professional since – I figure he got the message.  
Tonight is my last night in this apartment and though I've lived here for two years, plus some, I'm really not sad to be leaving.  
I am sad to leave Matt. I know Allie is half excited, half sad about leaving her Daddy, but we've explained to her that Mommy has a great job and Daddy is staying behind to finish college. I think she understands, she's a very smart girl, but I can tell she's going to have a hard time.  
Bonnie and Jeremy agreed to keep her for the weekend – I think it's probably going to be a practice run if you know what I mean – then she'll stay with Matt once he gets into his family dorm on campus next week. That way I can get our new apartment in Wilmington together, paint her room up and have everything set in its place by the time Matt brings her to me.  
Ugh, the thought of spending a week without my darling Alexia… it makes my stomach actually ache. I haven't spent more than a night or two away from her since she was born! It was weird, in my interview with Mr. Dexter and Stefan, I noticed how similar their eyes are… the color, kind of mossy and dee  
_

My cell phone startles me—beeping to let alert me to a text message.  
Salvatore: Hope I am not waking you. Just concerned about your apartment search.

I roll my eyes. It's nearly midnight, the night before I'm to leave for Wilmington… if he was concerned he might should have checked on me earlier.

Elena: Everything is fine.

Closing my journal, I've lost my train of thought; I flip off the light and slip under my covers. The bottom sheet is cool against my skin and I already have my earbuds in listening to Pandora Radio. I should be able to relax, everything is as it should be – the perfect remedy for coaxing myself to sleep – but my cell phone is beckoning me. I want to text Stefan back. I kind of want to give him a piece of my mind…

Sitting up straight in my bed and leaving the light off, I grab my cell and tap his name – deciding to call instead of text – I have a lot to say.

"Hello?" He sounds sleepy and something about the roughness of his voice makes my chest tighten.

"It's Elena… Gilbert, not Donovan." I smirk

It takes him a minute, but I hear him chuckle a bit. "Something I can do for you, Ms. Gilbert, not Donovan?" I inhale – I've thought about confronting Stefan Salvatore for a long time – I have a list of things I want to know, but for some reason, I'm falling short now that I have him on the phone. "It's 11:58pm. Will you be talking before the day ends?"

"How is it that you're mad at me?" He has zero right to be giving me attitude. "After the way you treated me in high school, then you hit on me at an interview… I should be the one dishing out the insolence, Stefan."

"First of all, I did not hit on you. If I hit on you, Elena, you'll be sure of it." He sounds irritated, but I remember Stefan so clearly, even this many years later, I know he's amused - enjoying our banter. "Second, I treated you like a goddess in Mystic Falls so I have no idea what you've got to complain about."

I'm smiling, hoping he can't hear it in my voice. "A goddess? Is that so?" Flashes of memories, pieces really, are jumping through my mind – I can't seem to hold one long enough to examine it, actually remember it.

"Did I not?" Stefan asks, his voice cool, confident. "As I recall it, you were quite pleased with me and the way I treated you back then. What's changed?"

What's changed? So many things have changed! …Right?  
Here it goes again, the way my mind clouds over, hides itself in a murky haze of illegible memories, emotions, and thoughts. I can feel myself going numb, my self-survival technique – I'm sad to be losing this buzz I feel while talking with Stefan, but when I start to fall into this fog there is nothing I can do to combat it as it consumes me.

"Elena?" I hear him, but don't respond, growing tired of trying to sort through my muddy thoughts. "What is it? What did I do?"

"I don't know. Nothing, maybe." I rub my forehead with my hand as I feel a migraine headache coming on.

"You can talk to me." Stefan's voice is warm, even over the phone, comforting even. "You can always talk to me, Elena. About anything." There's fight going on inside of me – part of me wants to talk to him, tell Stefan about my life and the mess it's become, how I'm lost in my own self for much of the day… while the other half is painfully winning out, the migraine already nearly at full throttle. That part of me is telling me to leave him alone, stay away from Stefan Salvatore.

"It's nothing, really. Look I need to get in bed. Moving day!" I give a weak laugh.

Stefan sighs, frustrated I think. "What time will you be in town?"

"By four or so." Oh my head is banging now, really digging into me.

He pauses for a long moment – long enough that I think the phone may have disconnected – "Can I take you to dinner tomorrow night? Friends, co-workers, whatever… just as a 'welcome to town', 'nice to see you again', 'congratulations on the new job' thing?"

Immediately, I want to say yes. I want to let him take me to dinner – I can remember Stefan and I spending hours talking about books and movies, art and music… fluffy topics and philosophical theories alike. He is probably one of the most enigmatic, intelligent, and clever men I've ever known. I could use a night of adult conversation that does not include utility bills or student loans. I can feel my tongue about to form a "sure, yea, that sounds nice" just about the time my brain cuts it off – stopping my vocal chords. Stefan Salvatore is a player – he used me for entertainment while he was in Mystic Falls ridding the town of vampires. Those hours we spent talking, the nights I gave myself to him – body and mind alike – they obviously meant nothing to him as he left without so much as a text to tell me bye. As much as I know I loved him back then, I also know he cared very little about me, despite what he said. My brain wins out -"I don't think so." I hear him exhale. He sounds like he's angry and that's fine, I'm angry too. "I'm going to be busy and you're a co-worker, Stefan. Besides, like I said the other day, I'm not interested in a replay of my junior year."

"At some point you and I are going to have to compare notes, Elena." For some reason, I have an image in my head of his teeth biting into his upper lip. Between my mental picture of his mouth and the way his voice is dancing in my ears I'm feeling a bit light headed - in a good way. "Your junior year, though I will admit had its low points with the tomb vampires and Klaus… Katherine even, but that had nothing to do with you and me."

I feel like I should have some witty come back here, but to be honest I can't remember enough to really lay into him like I know I should be. He deserves a verbal thrashing for what he did to me, or what I think he did…  
Between Bonnie, Matt, and Jeremy, they've filled me in on how things went down – the way he and Damon fought over me and then fought over Katherine. How Stefan pretended to be off of human blood, when in reality he was splurging on it every night in an effort to curb his cravings when I was around him – all in attempt to fool me.  
I haven't questioned it at all, I mean, why should I? After Bonnie's spell brought me back to life I was pretty upset about losing so much of my memory and have relied on my friends to fill in the blanks. But there is something about Stefan. The way he looked at me when he walked in to the conference room, how he helped me through my interview, his kind, warm gaze. Even now, on the phone, there is something I can quite shake – a feeling that is telling me that what I believe to be true may be more grey than black and white. At one point in our _relationship_, or whatever it was, I felt as though I knew Stefan Salvatore – really knew him; maybe the memories I lost hold the missing pieces from the stories I've got from my friends.

When I do not respond, Stefan speaks again – his voice is less argumentative. "Honestly, Elena, every memory I have of you, of us… we were great together. I understand if you aren't interested in a relationship or anything long-term right now, but I have always enjoyed spending time with you. I think you enjoyed spending time with me too, so why can't you let me take you out to dinner? As a friend, a co-worker even."

I decide that I need his side of the story for my own well-being. I need to see if he can help me fill in some of the gaping holes in my memory. "On one condition."

"Anything." I can hear his smile, almost feel it.

As much as I enjoy not being numb, actually feeling something, I can't let the butterflies in my stomach give way to making the same mistakes I made with him in Mystic Falls. Stefan is drop-dead gorgeous and one of the things I can clearly remember is how his presence made me weak. "Don't touch me or flirt with me. If we're going to be friends then it has to be plutonic. One hundred percent innocent."

When he laughs I can't help but smile. I want to be all stern faced and strong, but his laugh is wonderful. "I can't even flirt with you?"

"None."

"You drive a hard bargain Elena Gilbert, but fine. If you don't want me to flirt with you, I promise to behave."

I smile, suddenly very excited about my friend-date with Stefan Salvatore. "Okay."

"Okay."_  
_


	2. Chapter 2

CHAPTER 2 – The Broken (Follow me IChooseStefan for updates/commentary)

Leaning against Bonnie's SUV, Elena looked up at the blue-grey sky. If it was going to rain, today would be the day. Moving always called for terrible weather and the overcast sky and gusting winds framed the day perfectly. Leaving Charlottesville after four years, seeing her apartment desolate and hollow, leaving Matt in Virginia – leaving Matt for good – nothing could have set the scene better than a late summer storm bellowing in from the Atlantic. Elena hadn't expected her move to be so emotional. She was thrilled with the thought of a new life in Wilmington, NC, with a budding career and a fresh start – yet she was fully aware of the things she was leaving behind.

Allie would be farther away from Matt and her Uncle Jeremy and Aunt Bonnie than she ever had been – as close to them as she was, Elena felt a bit of concern regarding how Allie would cope, but made a promise to herself to be sure to come home to visit often. The apartment she'd leased was a three bedroom near the beach and Jeremy and Bonnie were already planning on coming to visit. Once Jeremy finished up with his degree next year visiting would be even easier! The hardest part was Matt.

He'd hung around to help supervise the moving company that Jennifer, the receptionist at Elena's new office, had suggested, but now that the two movers were finishing up, shoving the last of the boxes onto the truck, things were feeling awkward – the thought of goodbye lingering in the air.

"I can't believe you're really leaving!" Bonnie sighed, sitting Allie's overnight bag in the cargo area then closing the hatch of her SUV, moving to stand to next to her friend, laying her head on Elena's shoulder as they watched Matt and Jeremy talking with the moving men. "How did we grow up so fast?"

Taking Bonnie's hand in hers, Elena remembered when she and Bonnie met in first grade. They'd grown up together – experienced so many things, both normal and supernatural – no distance would ever affect their bond. "It doesn't matter, Bon. I'm a doppelganger, you're a witch," she teased, "we're two peas in a pod." Bonnie was surprised to hear Elena mention being a doppelganger; it had been a long while since the topics of witches and vampires and werewolves had been mentioned – Bonnie preferred it that way. Lifting her head and inspecting Elena's face, Bonnie wondered what had made Elena think of that time in their lives. Elena felt Bonnie's gaze and gave her a confident smile, "I'm fine. Don't start!"

"I know you're fine," Bonnie lied – it had been a long time since Elena was fine. A side affect of having your memories compelled away was the feeling of emptiness. Jeremy had explained to Bonnie exactly what it felt like – all the sadness and pain was still there, but there was no memory to justify the darkness, leaving you feeling like you were going insane – desperately depressed for no reason. "Just wondering what brought that up."

Looking at her friend, Elena considered telling Bonnie about Stefan – about how he would be her co-worker, about her plans to meet him for dinner once she made it to Wilmington this afternoon. Talking to him last night had made her start to question some of the things she believed to be true – mostly the way she remembered him and the time they'd spent together. Bonnie was very much anti-vampire and especially seemed Anti-Stefan. Nearly the entire playboy, bad guy, treated you like crap reputation that Elena knew Stefan to have came from Bonnie. "Do you ever hear from Caroline? Or the Salvatore's?" Elena decided to start into the touchy subject by leading with a Caroline question. For some reason that just seemed softer than 'hey, guess who I have the hots for all over again!'

Bonnie took a moment to consider her question – it was normal for Elena to wonder about Caroline and the Salvatore's right? They were big parts of her life for a long time – Caroline especially. Still, the ever existent fear of Damon's compulsion wearing off or morphing completely kept Bonnie on edge – always concerned, scared of the 'what if's. She knew better than anyone to be careful when dealing with magic and the supernatural – often what you think you want backfires into something you cannot control. "Of course not," She gave her best don't-be-silly face. "Caroline is basically an original and Stefan and Damon disappeared at the first chance they got."

That was the story – Caroline is in deep with the Original family and Stefan & Damon Salvatore were just passing through. There was no epic love story, there was no show-down between Stefan and Klaus, Stefan didn't stick around long enough for Elena to fall in love with him and he never became human… as the years passed all of that became easier to believe, but Bonnie knew there were gaps in Elena's memory that Damon's compulsion didn't cover. How could it have? He was thrashed and destroyed by the loss of his brother, Stefan. He may have been a strong vampire but the night Damon compelled Elena he was at his weakest point.

Elena had asked questions before – mainly about their senior year in high school and freshman year at college. Standard answer was always to put Matt in Stefan's place in the story if you couldn't completely side step it all together. It was sad to do – pretty much canceling out Stefan ever being in Elena's life. Even when he was a vampire he was good and kind, perfectly matched with Elena in every way imaginable. Elena had never been happier – had he not been murdered in Rome, everyone knew that Stefan would have been her forever. With what was probably the most formative memories of her relationship with Stefan compelled away by Damon, Elena was left with only the recollection she received from her friends who, unbeknownst to her, were all in on the con.

Sure, they felt guilty about the internal struggle Elena seemed to be facing ever since, but she made it through her pregnancy and Allie was perfect – nearly an exact replica of her father, Stefan. The way things were going back then – how she couldn't hold down any food, couldn't sleep - Elena wouldn't have made it a month further into her pregnancy if Jeremy hadn't asked Damon to help with his compulsion. Fighting depression or not, Elena would agree, if she could be let in on the whole ordeal, that it was the right thing to do at the time. Stefan too, Bonnie was sure of that. Stefan would have agreed with the compulsion in order to ensure his daughter would be safe… no matter the cost.

The anti-anxiety and anti-depressants that Elena had been on for the last couple of years seemed to help – though Bonnie could tell that Elena was sort of glazed over most of the time. "I can't remember him ever telling me bye…" Elena says quietly, her eyes moving to Allie who was sleeping in the backseat of Bonnie's SUV – already snapped in her car seat. Allie was a champion sleeper, especially in a vehicle. They could barely make it to the grocery store without Allie's round, green eyes losing focus and eyelids falling with fatigue. "Stefan I mean."

Bonnie followed Elena's gaze, wondered as she had many times before how Elena could not see Stefan in her daughters face. Clearing her throat as a way to gain Elena's attention, Bonnie began her prepared lie. "I'm sure he didn't. Don't you remember your Aunt Jenna's and Uncle John's funeral? He and Damon were all secretive and side-tracked." Bonnie hated lying, but she had no choice. "I'm sure they were working on their getaway."

Elena stood quiet, her eyes on Bonnie's face but obviously clouded with her thoughts. That sounded right – Damon and Stefan at the funeral, they were keeping to themselves, weren't they. Talking quietly. Damon's eyes were heavy, weak almost – completely out of character. It wasn't like him to have been sad about Jenna and John…

And Stefan – he held my hand, he was almost a source of strength for my weighed down heart. Why was he looking at Damon like that? Like he'd just had the wind knocked out of him…

"Well, that's that." Jeremy smiled, extending his arms to Elena and pulling her into a tight embrace. The sound of the moving truck starting up was muffled by the wind picking up – the storm growing stronger as it came closer. "Do you have your cell phone charger? Do you have your GPS set?"

Elena smiled up at her brother, wondered how she could have missed him growing into the young man that stood in front of her – seemed like just yesterday he was holed up in his room drawing and smoking weed. "Jer, I'm all set. Don't worry."

Releasing Elena, Jeremy took a step back, slipping his arm around Bonnie's shoulders. "Call as soon as you get to your new place. I want to know if it's as awesome as it looks online!" Bonnie smiles, holding Jeremy's hand over her shoulder. It was comforting for Elena to know that her best friend and her brother had found each other, that they were so happy together. At the same time, the sight of them standing closely, comfortable in each other's loving embrace, it gave Elena a slight twinge of envy…

"I will. I put Allie's koala in her overnight bag. If she gives you trouble about a bath just offer to put bubbles in it and she'll give in." Wiping at the tears in her eyes, Elena stole another look into the backseat at her baby girl – its just a week. You'll see her in a week. This is for the best and Allie will have a great time with Bonnie and Jeremy.

"She's going to be okay, Elena." Matt sighed, standing a few feet away, hands in his pockets and an unreadable expression on his face.

Elena looked him over, imprinting him in her mind – Matt Donovan meant so much to her, she would love him for the rest of her life, but it just wasn't the kind of love that he deserved. You're setting him free, Elena – she heard her mother's voice in her mind as she closed the distance between them and hugged his neck. It took Matt a moment to respond, taken by surprise by her hug.

Matt swallowed, there was nothing to say really – this was where they ended and she began. "You need to get on the road. The weather is about to get bad and I don't want you on the road when it decides to break loose."

"Thank you." Elena whispered, backing away and taking his face in her hands – inspecting his cobalt blue eyes, his barely there blonde eyebrows, the scars on his forehead from when he'd fallen off the monkey bars in second grade… "You've always been here for me. Thank you, Matt."

For the slightest of moments, Matt considered kissing her – nothing passionate, just a goodbye kiss. That's what she was doing, Matt knew. Elena was closing the book of their relationship. This thank you, it was her closure.

STEFAN's POV

"Do you understand, Jennifer?" It's been awhile since I've used compulsion, but there is a unique sensation when you've successfully invaded someone's mind – taking control of their frontal lobe and taking prisoner of all their free will. Looking into Jennifer's large teal eyes, I'm confident that the connection is strong enough and she's accepted my commands. I'm still on edge a bit, though. I haven't consumed human blood since I came back to the states eighteen months ago and, like always, having even a sip makes me want more. Trust me, if I could have avoided the human stuff, I would have, but I'm not strong enough on animal blood to use compulsion successfully and this is very important to me. I didn't kill anyone – I drank half of Caroline's donor bag at breakfast. I hope she doesn't keep on me about it when I get home tonight; maybe she'll have gone out.

Caroline does not need to know about Elena… the fewer vampires that know that Elena is moving to Wilmington, the better. Besides, Elena is better off without me and I'm not planning on making this a long-term thing anyway and don't want to deal with Caroline's temper tantrum about me spending some time with Elena before she and I leave. Elena deserves a life without vampires and I know she's thrilled about the editors job, so I will gracefully bow out and let her live her life – by the end of next week, Caroline and I will have moved and Elena and Allie will be fine.

I'll take care of them from afar.

Jennifer blinks once; her gaze directly in my eyes is focused and intense. "When I receive checks from you, I am to direct them to Elena Gilbert's payroll. I am to use your Discover card to pay for her moving expenses and cover half of her monthly rent at The Market Street Lofts from now on. I am to pay for her daughter's private school tuition at St. Mary's and tell Elena it's a scholarship that the office offers but deduct the cost from your credit card…"

I smile, holding her face in my hands I can feel her heart beat against the pads of my finger tips resting on her neck… I hate that it makes my mouth water. "And?"

Jennifer returns my smile as if she's proud of herself for being able to recite my commands, "and I can never tell anyone."

Backing away and breaking our connection, I open my office door then shove my hands deep in my pockets. I need some distance and back up further. My gums are starting to get that familiar ache as I feel the coolness of the window against my back – my fingers are tingling from the teasing sensation of her pulse. "That'll be all, Jennifer. Thank you."

"Should I order lunch?" She asks, oblivious to what we'd been discussing until she's faced with the actual circumstance… I'll never understand how compulsion works but I have to give the Original witch credit, it's a very handy trick.

I wonder if she's asking me this because I look hungry. I feel famished all of a sudden. "No, just please go."

She gives me a look of confusion, furrowing her brow beneath her heavy bangs. "Um, okay…" She turns on her heel, very slowly, rolls her eyes at me – emitting attitude like a teenager and it pisses me off. I like Jennifer, she seems like an intelligent girl, but I'm already on edge and her heart beat was hypnotic. It takes every ounce of the humanity that I have in me to let her walk out of my office as I want to bite her, drink my fill of her blood – the darkness in me trying to coax me in to giving in by whispering in my mind that I could control myself. That I could drink just a little. That I wouldn't kill her…

I know better and quickly shut the door the moment she steps out into the hallway. This wooden door is really no barrier; I could rip it off its hinges and have my fangs in her throat in a fraction of a second, but it makes me feel better to close myself up in my office – at least with the door shut I can't hear the thump-thump, thump-thump anymore.

With both of my hands splayed open on the door, my body weight pressing through my fingers, I'm daydreaming about her blood, any blood really, when my cell phone rattles from my desk drawer, pulling me from the edge.

When I retrieve my phone I'm still distracted by the dryness of my throat and answer without looking at the screen. "Hello?"

"Mmmm you sound sexy." It's Caroline. She's probably just getting out of bed as it's become a habit for her to stay out until nearly dawn then sleep until noon or later. I don't mind at all, honestly, I have no hold on Caroline but I sometimes wonder why it is she sticks around – she and I together make no sense.

I swallow. "I'm hungry." My voice is monotone but rough.

"I told you not to drink that this morning…" Caroline sounds frustrated with me. I'm sure she is. In the four years that she and I have been withdrawn from our friends in Mystic Falls, I've fallen off of the animal-diet more times than I can count. Luckily, the relapses usually only last a couple of days, but I can be a real jackass when I'm working on recovery. "Do you want me to go by the pet store or anything?"

Her teasing makes me smile – reminds me why we do kind of make sense, as friends at least. In a world where I've lost everything; Elena, my daughter, my brother, my home in Mystic Falls, Caroline is my only family.

"Tempting, but no." I return and hear her give a small laugh. "I did want to talk to you though. I was thinking we should probably be moving on soon."

"Really?" Caroline's voice lights up. She's hated living in Wilmington. It's not much of a city and, though it is close to the beach, she's more inclined to urban, never-sleeping type of places. "Are you sure? What about your job?"

I sigh – the only thing in Wilmington that I cannot find elsewhere is Elena and Allie. "I can get another job. We've been here for a couple of years and we can't really settle down somewhere so we may as well get on with it."

Caroline is quiet for a minute as if she's trying to find an ulterior motive – I'm sure my odd behavior these last few days is running through her mind. I've had a lot of behind the scenes work to get done since Elena's interview on Tuesday. It's only Friday and I've already compelled Jennifer to cover most of Elena's bills and cover the difference in her actual salary and what I told her she'd receive – I've compelled the building manager at her apartment, the Head Master at the private school for Allie, a couple of the local police officers in town, and the office manager at the local Ford Dealership to fix a contest – this time next week Elena will have won a brand new grey Ford Explorer.

I cannot be the father than Allie deserves - I cannot be with Elena... but I can take care of them.

I'm laying on my bed watching Caroline pack up her things. She's moving quickly, grabbing various items out of the bathroom, from my chest of drawers, neatly folding and tucking her overnight items into her suitcase. I'm trying to play it cool, listen to her talk about Dallas, Texas and how she thinks it's the next big urban place to be. After she started talking about the shopping and the clubbing I tuned out without realizing it, imagining the million different scenarios that could play out when I meet with Elena in a few hours.

Caroline leaving town – heading to Dallas to acquire an apartment and find a food source – it was not planned, but I have to say it's working out well. With her gone, I'll be able to dedicate my attention to Elena for the next few days – I can't tell you have happy I am with just this small window of time I have to visit with her. I wish Allie could be here – I'm dying to get to know her, interact with my daughter, but I know it's for the best. Someday I'll meet her… maybe when she's older.

"Stefan." Caroline grabs my big toe and tugs, bringing me out of my thoughts and back to her. "Did you even hear me?"

_Did I hear her? Six flags, The Galleria, The W, Ghost Bar… _"No, sorry." I have no idea what she was talking about and have no way of making up for it.

"Rude." She tosses my undershirt at me and I catch it just before it lands on my face. Caroline is playful this afternoon – thrilled with our new adventure, I am sure.

When I got in from work she stopped me at the door with a sweet kiss on my lips – I was hungry and stupid and quickly returned her kiss much more passionately than I actually felt for her. Caroline is still a girl no matter how long she is a vampire and I'm a guy and honestly, there's always been a bit of an attraction between us. She'd removed my shirt and was working on my belt by the time we made it into my bedroom. I don't know what caused it or why my mind stopped me, but just as I laid on top of her, still kissing her, my imagination was flooded with thoughts of Elena's chocolate brown eyes… just like after Rome. It took almost two years for me to be able to move on from Elena – no amount of alcohol or blood could dull my love for her, but with time I learned how to bypass it. I kept at it a bit longer, trying to shake the image of Elena from my head, trying to be in the moment – to be with Caroline, but it was no use. Luckily, my cell phone fell from my pants pocket and hit the hardwood floor - giving me an out. Once that tension was broken, we fell back into our plutonic ways – she began packing and I went back to thinking about Elena as I had been all week long.

"I said that I think that we should get one apartment in Dallas." Caroline's face turns away from me – she's suddenly insecure and unsure of herself. Having to repeat her request for us to move in together didn't help.

Immediately, I want to say no. I like having my own space and I'm not interested in pushing our relationship any further in the romantic arena – but on the other hand, it is nice having her near. My doubts about Elena's compulsion sticking have been pretty much erased. She's made it clear that she wants nothing to do with me – even getting her to let me take her out to dinner was like pulling teeth. In the back of my mind I'd believed that if Elena and I could ever see each other, that she'd see me and remember me and remember us… I was wrong. I've been holding out hope for four years that Damon's compulsion wasn't as strong as I know it to be. Now that I am aware that in her eyes I'm nothing more than a guy she dated once, maybe I should take that as my exit…

Feeling aggravated with the reputation Elena thinks I have, I speak before I actually think it through. "Okay, yea." I nod; suddenly my stomach is in a knot – already regretting the decision.

Caroline's eyes sparkle and she smiles at me like she's just received a gift – I can't back out now. "Okay."

I try to smile back and I think I see in her eyes that she detects my lament so I quickly stand, think of something to distract her. "It's almost four. What time is your flight again?"

"Five thirty." She starts to move closer to me then stops – she knows me pretty well. "Why that face, Stefan?"

Should I just tell her? Does it make any sense to keep this a secret? My gut is telling me to keep my mouth shut about Elena, but at the same time, before Elena un-expectantly reentered my life a few days ago Caroline and I were fine – we were a couple… why the reservation now? Elena doesn't want me. I'm no good for Elena. I am a vampire and I should be with a vampire…  
When I open my mouth, I'm going to tell her that I ran into Elena, but my phone once again saves me from making a mistake when it alerts me to a text message. "It's…." I sigh, then look to the screen of my phone.

Elena: Just made it to my apartment. Call me when you have a minute, please?

Her text is nothing, its completely plutonic, but just the fact that she communicated with me winds me tightly – "I'm just hungry, okay." I smile at Caroline and it seems to subdue her questioning. "Once you leave for the airport I'll go for a jog and find something to eat. I'll be fine."

I will hunt, but I'll spend my evening with Elena, trying to get my fill of her in the few days that I have. I'm fully aware that any progression I had made since the last time I saw Elena in Rome has been reversed. I know I'm an idiot to still be holding on to her, but it's out of my control – I will always love Elena.

ELENA's POV

Why am I crying like this? I can hardly breathe I'm sobbing so uncontrollably… and about what? The moving truck is delayed until in the morning due to the storm – so what! I'm suddenly terrified of moving here, of starting my job, of leaving Matt and Jeremy and Bonnie. I look at myself in the mirror over the master bath vanity and can barely recognize myself. It's not just the tears running down my face, or the way my lips are pulled into a frown as I cry like a toddler. I've lost myself. I used to know me, I used to be strong, I used to be… God I can't even remember what it is that I've lost.

I can't stand to look at myself like this a minute longer and reach into my bag. It doesn't take me long to move through the clutter and find my prescription bottle. The doctor prescribed one a day, but this has been such a horrible _horrible_ day that I feel like I need two. It won't hurt me. I've taken as many as five valium at once. I barely have them popped in my mouth before I unzip the side pocket of my bag and take out the Adderall. If I don't take the Adderall the Valium will just glaze me over – it's a snowball effect, I know, but when I lose control like this and fall into a deep panic attack, it's all I can do.

It only takes a few minutes for my tears to stop. It's probably mental – a placebo affect – I know the Valium isn't capable of working this fast, but whatever, it's comforting to know that they are in my stomach. I take a few deep breaths; try to get myself together as I inspect my appearance. I look terrible. My hair is in a messy ponytail and I'm wearing my favorite grey mens v-neck teeshirt over a pair of red University of Virginia shorts and white flip flops. I cannot go out to dinner with Stefan like this and I do not have a change of clothes. It's for the best, really. My luck I'll start crying into my dinner plate…

When my cell rings and the sound of my ringtone bounces off the tiled walls and floor, I'm startled and reach for it quickly to stop the noise – it's Stefan. The sight of his name on my cell phone screen makes me smile… or maybe it's the Adderall.

"Hey."

"Hey, I got your text." He's quiet, speaking very softly… almost too quiet.

I consider asking him why he's whispering, but decide against it. I'm about to cancel our friend-date and figure I don't have much right to question him. "Yea, I can't make it tonight. The moving truck had to pull over because of the storm." I'm doing my best 'I am totally relaxed about all of this' voice, like it's no big deal that I have no clothes, no furniture, and no food. "Luckily, I drove quite a bit faster than they did and got out of the way before the winds picked up."

I hear him groan, aggravated – somehow I know he's not upset with me, but with the situation. "Sorry, I guess my moving company suggestion turned out to be pretty crappy."

"It's no biggie" _No biggie? _"I'm in my icky moving clothes and have nothing to change in to, so dinner is pretty much out."

"Are you sure, we don't have to go anywhere fancy." He tries. I can hear the hope in his voice, but honestly I'm just not in the mood. I don't know what I'm going to do for the rest of the night, but the last thing I want to do is have Stefan Freaking Salvatore tote me around town like I'm his charity case.

"I'm sure. We can rain check, okay?"

He's silent for a minute and I feel myself fall a bit. I was really looking forward to going out and talking with him. During my five hour drive, I'd pretty much convinced myself that if there was anyone who could help fill in some of the gaps in my memory, it would be him.

"Yea. Okay. Rain check."

It's been over three hours since I got to my apartment, had a mini-melt down, then canceled my friend-date with Stefan. My apartment is absolutely beautiful – loft style with a brick accent wall in the living area and in the master bedroom and the exterior wall pretty much all windows. From the twelfth floor I have a stunning view of the seaside shops and can even see the ocean in the distance. I sat down just as night fell and I've been laying on the floor in the same spot ever since. If someone were to walk in, they'd probably think I fell down and died here with my arms stretched out and palms up, legs relaxed and shoulder width apart. I can't stop staring at the shadows on the decorative ceiling tile created by the recessed lighting… maybe I am high. I think I'm just overwhelmed and my body has shut me down for safeties sake. My ear buds are in my ears and are loudly playing Breathe Me by Sia on constant loop. I've never written a song in my life, but if I ever did it would be this song and these exact lyrics. "I have lost myself again, I am nowhere to be found" – those words echo in me. It's just coming to an end, the few seconds of silence in-between the last note and the replay, when I hear a knock at the door.

Cutting my eyes across the room, I consider ignoring it. I don't want to move, I like the floor… I may not be able to find this exact spot again should I get up. When the rap at the door repeats, I roll my eyes and decide I'd better answer it. It's probably my landlord telling me that he made a huge mistake and that my rent is actually double what he said it was…

I open the door without taking out my ear buds and I swear to you – this is not a lie, I am not exaggerating in the slightest – the second my eyes land on Stefan Sia sings "be my friend, hold me, wrap me up" and that's exactly what I want him to do.

I haven't felt this kind of want in so long – it's pulling at me, pushing me to him. Stefan smiles at me boyishly, like he's not sure if I'm going to be happy to see him. His green eyes are so innocent but I somehow know just how sinful they can be.

When I step out into the hall, standing nearly right up against him, his expression changes from friendly, to confused, then quickly to a more devilish frown when my hands lay against his rib cage. He doesn't move when I lay my forehead against his chest, inhale the scent of his body – he smells like soap and warmth, and… Stefan? I don't know what that means, but it's an intoxicating smell that rolls through my muscles and relaxes my tense body.

When I nuzzle against his neck, my lips grazing his collar bone between the fabric of his blue button-up shirt, I feel his muscles tense beneath my hands and I kiss his warm skin. The sensation makes my lips buzz. That strange pull to him is just getting stronger and stronger the longer I stand like this. I hear him inhale through is teeth and look up at his mouth – I swear that I've seen him do this a thousand times before, bite his teeth into his bottom lip in some effort to gain control. I want to kiss his lips. I want to taste his tongue in my mouth. I wish he would touch me…

Pushing myself up, making myself taller by standing on my toes, I still have to crane my neck a bit. I don't remember him being this tall. Maybe it's because he still hasn't moved. I'm not even sure he's breathing to be honest. Stefan's body is tense and flexed as his teeth release that lip and I move my mouth closer to his – letting that feeling of being pulled to him take hold of me as Sia repeats in my ears 'hold me, wrap me up, unfold me.' Being this close to him feels so good… it feels right.

I can almost feel the curve of his lips – I'm so very close to kissing him – when he just slightly turns his head away, exhaling and closing his eyes. "Elena, stop." Stefan's voice is a whisper that hurts me. I'm sure it's just the wincing pain of rejection, but wow it hurts deep down inside of me. "Please, stop."

When he steps back I feel my hurt quickly morphing into another monster – anger. It's a side effect of being numb most of the time – when I do feel my emotions are haywire and all over the place. Stefan's holding a paper bag in one hand that looks like he's been to the mall and a plastic take out bag in the other. The bastard brought me food… what an asshole.

I jerk at the cord of my earbuds, wadding them up in my fist.  
"Why? Isn't this what you want, Stefan?" I ask – my mouth is running on its own, fueled by his rejection.  
Stefan doesn't deny it, just shakes his head and scrunches up his face like he doesn't want to confirm my accusation. "The flirting and the touching, asking me out…" I pull the hairtie out of my hair, shake my ponytail loose. "it's all to get me in bed again, right? So why wait?" I'm nearly yelling at him even though I feel my throat tightening and my eyes getting wetter.

Sitting the bags down, Stefan reaches for my hands but I pull them away. I'm looking at his face, but I don't care that he looks hurt, that he looks kind and caring. He's a player. He fooled me in high school, took my virginity, told me he loved me… and now here I am again, making the same mistakes. It's been six years and I'm fooled again. I can feel myself burning with anger. I'm angry with myself for being so weak – I'm just a bunch of pieces of who I used to be… what happened to me? I'm angry with him for doing this again!

"Elena, not like this. I wa-"

I cut him off, "No really," I smile sarcastically as I grab the hem of my teeshirt and pull it over my head. I'm standing in the hallway of my apartment building in a pair of short shorts and a white bra. "let's get this over with so you can chalk it up as another notch in your belt and be on your way!"

Stefan's face turns stern, he's getting angry. Quickly, he bends at the waist and picks up my shirt, holding it out to me. "Put your shirt back on." I hate that his voice is so deep and rough, sexy even. I hate that I can see his muscular chest beneath his taut shirt and that my hands want to touch it.

We have a staring contest for a long moment – his green eyes are narrowed and burning into my brown. When the sound of the elevator opening catches his attention, I win the showdown as he looks down the hall. Internally, I'm smiling – happy with my little victory, but I continue to give him a smug look. When he turns back to me, satisfied that no one is coming to catch me half-naked, his expression has softened a bit. "Put it on, Elena. Please?"

I don't back off even though deep down I know I should.

"Come on, Stefan." I spit out the words, stepping up against him again, my fingertips tracing his jawline. "You know this is what you want. It'll be epic." I tease sarcastically. "You can write about it in your journal and tell Damon you got me in bed again." The burn in his eyes has returned and it gives me thrills throughout my body. "Score one for Stefan Salvatore."

"Is this what you think of me, Elena? Really?" He takes my hand away from his face by grabbing my wrist. "After all we've been through, you really believe I just want to make love to you?"

I laugh, I don't know why? I feel possessed… "Make love? That's a bunch of bullshit and you know it Stefan." I jerk my wrist from his grip but don't back away – we're still chest to chest. "It was just sex. It was just a game for you and your brother to see who came out on top. Stop acting like we had some romantic love story… you meant nothing to me. I never loved you, Stefan."

Stefan is so angered by my words that I think I see him shake as he stares me down, pursed lips and furrowed brow. "Elena, I swear to God one of these days you're going to regret this."

"Oh what, now your threatening me? Gonna bite me again?" I smirk.

His eyes widen, mouth opens a bit. "What?"

_What did I say… _

"I bit you. You know that I bit you?" He looks shocked, relieved – this is not the reaction I expected. I want to argue. I want to fight. I want to keep feeling feelings and not go back to numbness. "When? When did I bite you, Elena?" I'm still trying to figure out why he's lost his fiery anger when he grabs me by my shoulders and asks again. "Think. When did I bite you?"

I open my mouth to speak -

I have nothing. Nothing comes out, nothing comes to mind. I'm sure he bit me. Aren't I…

Looking away from him, I suddenly feel silly for my outburst. When I cross my arms over my bare stomach in an attempt to cover myself, Stefan turns his back to me, handing me my shirt.

He stands that way for a long while – facing away from me with his hands on his hips and his head down. Feeling like a fool, I decide to keep my mouth shut and let him process whatever thoughts he's working through. It's odd though, that I can't answer his question. I can vividly remember seeing him attack that girl at the Miss Mystic Falls Gala, and I remember once when he and I were kissing, getting pretty hot and heavy in my bedroom, he nearly vamped out… other than that, I don't remember – no wait, I do! "When the tomb vampires tortured you. That's when you bit me."

I'm filled with pride that I was able to rake through my shattered brain and find that memory – why does Stefan look so defeated when he turns to face me. "You let me."

"I know. But you still bit me, on my wrist." I hold up my left hand. I don't have a scar or anything, but I remember the piercing of his fangs and the hard sucking. It was painful, only I don't remember feeling threatened by him during that experience… isn't that what I meant by _Gonna bite me again?_

Stefan's hands move to my face and the warmth and gentleness of his touch is sweet and comforting. "Please think. I bit you." I can see in his eyes that he's desperate for me to remember as they search mine, looking for any sign of this memory that I cannot grasp.

I don't move from his hands –relishing in it. This intimate touch is keeping me from falling into my usual fogginess. I want to make him happy and find this memory that he's wanting me to remember, but it's useless. I've tried so many times to uncover anything that I've forgotten – I already know how this turns out. "I…" My heart hurts as I know I am disappointing him. "I can't remember" It's nearly a whisper, my gaze moving from the green of his eyes to the nude-pink of his lips intermittently.

When Stefan looks away from me I have this feeling of being unplugged, losing some kind of current and I'm lonely without it as his hands fall from my face. The slumping of his shoulders, the way his mouth is a straight line across his face – I can see that he's upset, disheartened by my failure. Why would he want me to remember a time that he bit me? It doesn't make sense to me.

Crossing his arms over his chest, I can almost see his demeanor change – it's time to discuss business. "I brought you a sandwich from McCallister's and picked up a change of clothes from Ca—my girlfriend's favorite place. There's also a couple blankets…"

I don't hear anything past girlfriend… it really bothers me to know he's in a relationship. By really bothers me I mean that I want to lay on the floor and cry. It's yet another sign of how screwed up I am. I haven't seen Stefan since I was seventeen of course he has a girlfriend!

Forcing myself to keep it together and not fall into another panic attack and crying fit, I give him a smile – it's a weak smile I am sure, but it's all I've got as I move to go through the bags. I'm hungry, but reach for the dark blue paper bag first – the one with the clothes from his _girlfriends_ favorite place.

Squatting, I find a small plastic bag sitting on top of the clothes – its holding a travel-bottle of Treemint shampoo and conditioner, a bar of Burt's Bee's soap and a tub of body butter, along with a new hair brush, comb and toothbrush. I look up at him and wonder how it is he knows so much about me – it's eerie and sweet at the same time. I've used this brand of hair product for years. Burt's Bee's is one of my favorite lines of body products.

"Am I being creepy?" He laughs.

His shy stance and perfect smiling face makes me happy and I just roll my eyes at him playfully, looking back into the bag. I don't know what I am expecting – I've never had a guy buy me clothing before and I'm sure his girlfriend is as classy as he is, but I'm surprised when I find a pair of lavender and grey pajama bottoms and a fitted white tee-shirt. Television and movies have ruined me because I'm a bit disappointed that it's not some sexy lingerie or very expensive ball gown – _another_ sign that I'm insane.

"There should be some socks in there too. The blankets are still in my car." Stefan adds, rubbing his face with his hand.

"Thank you. This is really thoughtful of you to do." He nods – ever the gentleman, chivalrous. When I pick up the plastic carryout bag I'm happy to see there are two foam to-go boxes. "Come on, let's eat." Not thinking about it I guess, I walk into my apartment and expect him to follow me – it takes a second or two for me to realize that he can't – I am no longer used to interacting with vampires anymore. He's not been invited in.

When I turn to face him, Stefan is standing just outside of the door frame, his hands on each side of it and he's looking at me with a timid expression on his face. "Maybe this isn't a good idea…" I know he's talking about me inviting him in, but vampire or not, he's the only friend I have in the entire state of North Carolina.

I frown at him like he's being silly. "Are you planning on hurting me?" He shakes his head slowly, bites his lip – it's a telling motion, that biting, but I'm not able to read him well enough… best I can figure, he's either lying and really wants to bite me or wants me to bite him. "Then come in and let's eat."

STEFAN's POV

As we eat in silence less the muffled music coming from the apartment below, both of us sitting on the floor, I'm berating myself for how I acted in the hallway. I shouldn't have let her get me so upset and I should not have pushed her to remember. That was never my plan – I just want to spend some time with her, not force Elena to push through her compulsion. I have to say, though, I don't believe for a minute that when she mentioned me biting her that she was talking about that night when I had to drink her blood in order to protect us. She offered her blood to me – she knew we had no chance if I wasn't stronger. Maybe it was because she was so worked up – angry and hurt and sporadic – but I am sure that Elena found a bypass and recalled that night in the cafeteria of Mystic Falls High School. The night Klaus compelled me to turn off my humanity… to forget everything I felt – that's the night I hurt Elena.

I'm in the middle of replaying the few months that followed that night – all the people I killed at Klaus' command, how I treated Elena like she was nothing to me – wishing that I had someone who could make me forget how void I felt, when Elena's voice brings me back to the present. "Want to play twenty questions?"

Elena's brown eyes are glittery in the recessed lighting and reflection of the window she's sitting against – but there's a dullness to them that I don't remember ever seeing before. Still, just being with her in such close proximity fills me with joy. I'm sitting against the brick wall of the living room, her bare feet nearly touching the ankle of my boot at a ninety degree angle.

I answer with a smile and a nod, chewing a bite of my BLT.

"Where is Damon?"

It stings me a bit that she's thinking about Damon, but I try to remind myself that she doesn't remember him the right way either – I'm also a bit surprised that Damon actually cut contact with her. That's not like him – to do what he says I mean. "I haven't spoken with him in four years." Elena frowns, telling me she wants more information. "I spent some time in Italy and when I came back to the states he'd left Mystic Falls with Katherine. We were on ok terms when I left, but he never answered his phone when I called so I guess he's doing his thing, you know Damon."  
It's not a lie. The moment I got out of that morgue I bought a cell phone and tried to call him. I came back to the states and went home, to the Salvatore house in Mystic Falls, but he'd packed up and left before I made it back. I guess he still thinks I'm dead – I don't know, really. I left him a note on his bed so whenever he made it back to Virginia he'd at least know I was alive, a vampire again. I haven't heard from him so I have no idea what that means or where we stand.

Elena nods – it's not out of Damon's character to ignore me, or anyone else for that matter. I figure he and Katherine are living somewhere in Europe and by now have come into their own as a couple… even back in 1864 I knew that Damon was a better match for Katherine than I was.

"Now you ask me."

There are a million things I want to ask her but I know that I have no right. In Elena's eyes, she and I were nothing more than a passing fling so any questioning from me about Allie or the more personal aspects of their lives will be received negatively. "What's going on with your memory?"

She frowns, obviously uncomfortable with my inquiry. "What do you mean?"

"It seems like you remember me… us, much different than I do. Then earlier, you don't remember when I bit you."

Elena takes a long drink from the bottle of water I brought her, then looks out of the window into the street below us. It takes her a minute to respond and I spend that time inspecting her face – amazed at how she's still so beautiful, even though I can see she's been tattered and worn when I look into her eyes it's not evident to anyone who doesn't know her. Elena still has that soft glow to her perfect skin – I curl my fingers into a loose fist at my side when I feel my fingers wanting to touch her.

"I guess it wasn't noticeable right after, but something about the spell that Bonnie did to keep me alive after Klaus' ritual, it messed up my memory. I don't remember much from right around that time and the couple of years that followed are pretty much gone – I have almost no memories of my senior year in high school or my first year at college." She raises her eyebrows as if she has accepted what she's just said to be fact and I should do the same – I can't.

"You don't remember your semester in Spain?" What am I doing? Why am I doing this?

"My what?" She laughs nervously.

I decide I need to curb this and do my best to pad my previous question. "I saw on your transcripts that you took nine hours at a university in Barcelona."

"Well I can assure you I have never been to Spain, or anywhere else for that matter." She says matter-of-fact like, but I'm sure I hear uncertainty in her voice. Whoever helped make up these lies to cover the time she's missing did a terrible job… something as easy to uncover as classes she took in Spain should have been one of the first things their lies covered. "That was two questions -my turn."

"What would your girlfriend think about you being here?" She's a little ticked off – I can hear it. I'm sure she's just a bit edgy now that there is an obvious hole in the stories her friends have been feeding her, but I'm the only person she can direct her aggravation to so she's trying to make me uncomfortable. This is not going to do it.

"Who said she doesn't know?" I return with a smile. Elena doesn't buy it, sitting her to-go box on the floor and curling her legs into an Indian-style position, she raises her eyebrows and looks at me through her lashes. "She's out of town," I admit. "but she would be fine with it."

"She trusts you then?" Elena asks, but it's not really a cut down, just a question.

"I'm sure she does but she shouldn't, not with you." I don't really want to continue with this conversation – I know its leading somewhere that will be hard for me to resist pursuing if I go much further.

Elena's eye trail down face to my mouth then back to my eyes when she notices that I'm watching her look at me. "What do you mean?"

How to explain this… I shouldn't have even said anything in the first place. I have zero resolve when it comes to Elena. I know better and I still do it, I toe the line of inappropriate because I want her. I love her as much as I ever have – time has done nothing to relieve me of the burden of loving a woman I can never be with. I decide to be vague about it – I won't lie but I don't have to lay everything out for her either. "I'm just saying, she knows how I feel-felt about you." Damn it. Freudian slip. Her lips threaten to curve into a smile as she ingests my stumbled words – feel, felt… - but she keeps control.

"How _do_ you feel about me?" Her voice is playful, teasing me.

I'm prepared for that question and deflect. "Sorry, you've already asked me two questions. It's my turn." When she laughs I feel it in my bones the way something beautiful resonates in your body. "Why did you say you never loved me?" I have to know. I mean, I know why – she's been compelled to believe it. I know compulsion is strong and it's overwhelming, but even when Klaus had compelled me to turn off my humanity, deep inside of me I knew I loved Elena. In my darkest moments, I loved Elena. Maybe its just wishful thinking but I will not accept that she doesn't remember what we had.

Elena answers quickly, "Because I didn't" – her words cut me… challenge me.

"I don't believe that." I return, clenching my jaw – steeling myself to what I know will be a painful conversation.

"What is it with you? You and I had a… a fling. Let it go." She snaps, sitting back against the window and crossing her arms. The fact that she can't look at me tells me that she knows that's a lie as much as I do.

"Look at me." I command. She sighs loudly; her eyes seem to be tracing the floor boards. I give her a moment, let her sit in the uncomfortable-ness of knowing that what she believes to be true, isn't. "That's what I thought." I say quietly, just loud enough that she hears me.

When she turns her face to me, I see that sharpness in her eyes again and I'm relieved that whatever was dulling her has seemed to fade away for now. "If you were so in love with me, why did you leave?"

I've left her a few times actually… probably the greatest regret of my entire existence is leaving her even though each time I felt like I had no other choice. I take a shot in the dark that she's asking me why I left after Jenna and John's funeral. I could just tell her… I agreed to go with Klaus to save Damon's life. My loyalty bargained off for a few ounces of Klaus' blood – but I decide to see if she can figure it out. "Do you remember Tyler Lockwood?"

She nods, "Of course."

"You know that he was a werewolf?" She nods again. "And do you remember Rose – how she died?"

"Yes, Stefan." Elena sighs, exasperated. "She was bit by a…werewolf." When her brow furrows I know something is connecting in her brain. "…Damon…"

Elena remembers. I can see it on her face. I can't help but smile, sure it's no closer to her remembering Naples, Miami, Rome, but at least she remembers something. "Damon would have died."

She nods, her eyes slowly raising to meet mine and I see that she's frightened – it confuses me, this fear washed across her face. When she stands, I follow. "You left with Klaus." It's immediate – the change in the atmosphere, the feeling between us.

It hits me that if she remembers me leaving with Klaus, then she probably remembers what I am – I'm not just a vampire, "You're a ripper." My chest tightens and I find it difficult to breathe as I watch her looking at me like I'm repulsive. "You killed so many people…" I shake my head in disbelief; this is not how this was supposed to go. "All of Damon's newspaper clippings… that closet wall with the names in Chicago." Her breathing is laborious, causing her chest to rise and sink dramatically with each breath.

What can I say? She's right. I am a ripper. I killed at least forty people in the three months I was with Klaus – probably more, I black out and lose control, lose count. "Elena, I –" She takes a step away from me, then another, creating a wide berth between us – I can't move, frozen by guilt and the realization of what's happening.

When she runs for the door, it's a natural reaction to stop her – speeding across the space and catching the door just before she opens it. It's déjà vu. Her crying, the overwhelming and intense hate I have for myself, for what I am and the things I've done. "I had no choice, Elena."

"I'm on vervain!" She cringes away from me, shaking as she presses herself against the door, trying to get as far away from me as she can manage.

It could be that I'm still edgy from my human blood this morning or the fact that it's just not fair that we have to experience this again – I don't know, but I grab her and turn her to face me. "You think I'm going to hurt you? Elena, I will never hurt you! You know that, I know you know that!"

Again, she won't look at me – it just pushes me even further.

"Please, just leave, Stefan." Elena's voice is weak, scared, quivering even. This is the effect I have on her. It kills me.

"No. I'm not leaving." Letting her go, I step back and hope that she doesn't bolt out of the door. Hoping that she'll see that I am not a threat to her in any way. "You have no reason to be scared of me."

"How can you say that? You're a monster, Stefan. You can't control yourself."

"I can, Elena. When I'm with you I can. You're the only thing that keeps me from giving up and I can't believe you don't remember us." I may as well be on my knees begging her. That would be the only thing that would make my words sound any more like a plea than they already do. "You weren't scared of me. You tried to save me, you wouldn't stop, remember?" She shakes her head and I notice that she's backed away from me again. "You loved me Elena and you weren't scared. Please, try and remember how you felt… please!"

"Stop saying that!" Elena screams at me. "I didn't love you! I never loved you, Stefan!"

My resolve is beginning to weaken – I don't know how many more times I can stand to hear her tell me that she has never loved me. My tempting fate by trying to get her to remember has back-fired and now I'm not only a passing fling from her high school days, but I'm a monster.

I swallow, bite at my upper lip in an attempt to gain control of myself. "If that's what you believe, then fine, I cannot do anything to change your mind. Just know that I loved you. The truth is, Elena, I know all of your secrets and you know all of mine – everything. You know everything about me and because you loved me, you knew that those horrible things that I've done weren't really me. I never asked to be a vampire. I never wanted this." I start to leave when she brings her fingers to her mouth, nervously biting at her nails and a reflection from the white gold on her ring finger catches my attention. "Give me that." I don't know why I want it back – to be honest the fact that she's worn it this long has always made me swell with joy – believing that she knows that ring has a deeper meaning, somewhere beneath the compulsion she realizes it is a symbol of my love for her. I guess I want to see if she'll do it – take it off and give it to me if I promise to leave. "Give me that ring and I'll go." Elena's hand closes instinctively – I've had that exact reaction so many times when questioned about my lapis lazuli ring – it's like grasping at the only thing that you know can save your life. She looks at me like I'm trying to trick her – brow furrowed and mouth closed tightly. I extend my hand to her, palm up, gesture with my fingers for her to give it to me. "Take off your ring." I say lightly.

"No." Her voice isn't shaky anymore, her eyes growing sharp again. "Why?"

I consider not pressing the issue – I've done enough damage, haven't I? But then again, what could she remember about me that could possibly top the months I spent killing as Klaus' lackey? "I want it."

When I step towards her, she smacks my hand away. "I don't care. You can't have it."

"If you're so scared of me, just give me the ring." I shrug my shoulders. "I'll leave you alone."

"No." Elena glares at me, her right hand protectively covering the ring I want on her left hand.

I smile sarcastically, take my wallet from my back pocket. "How much did it cost? I'll pay you for it." She looks confused. "Do you even know where you got it?" Luckily I have a couple hundred dollars in cash and take out three twenties, hold them out to her. "Will that cover it? Is that how much it cost? When did you get it Elena?" Elena rubs her temples, runs her fingers across her forehead as I continue to ask her questions that she cannot answer. "What kind of metal is that? Silver, is it gold? Maybe I should pay you more." I take the rest of the cash in my fist and shake it at her. "Here. Probably more than two hundred dollars there. That should cover it right? Tell me where you got that ring."

"Stefan…" She grimaces, but I continue.

"Take off the ring. I want it." I know my voice is loud and stern, forceful. I can't remember ever talking to her like this, but I don't know what else to do. "Tell you what. Take my wallet." Dropping my leather wallet and the cash on the floor I grab her hand and pull her against me.

"Stop it!" Elena squirms, tries to pull her hand back but I won't let go and I'm much stronger than she will ever know.

"Take off the ring," I nearly growl at her, my face inches from hers and my eyes burning with anger. "now."

She glares back at me, not budging, her fingers in a tight fist to protect her ring, my ring. "No."

I hold her like that for long moment. There's nothing else I can do. My barrage of questions has obviously not worked. Still, I can't let her go yet… knowing full well that this may be the last time I get to touch her. When she looks away from me, her eyes moving to my mouth, I wish to God that I could erase the last hour of my life. All I know is she and I are better off together than we ever have been alone… even like this, me angry, Elena hurt or sad or scared – I can't read her as her eyes are growing dull again.

Releasing my grip around her wrist, Elena moves away from me quickly, leaving me in the empty living room.

I stand there, alone, replaying every memory of Elena that I have – there are so many that all I see is a mosaic of her. The way she looked when I kissed her the first time, how she lights up when she laughs, her hair blowing in the wind in Rome, dancing with me in Naples. I guess it's really over… maybe I was meant to be left behind, out of her life and worthless to her. I may as well go. I've used all of my energy and have nothing left. She doesn't love me – this Elena, with her dull eyes and sporadic moods, she's never loved me.

After picking up my wallet, leaving the cash on the kitchen countertop, I'm nearly to the door when I hear an unmistakable sound – it's a rattle, plastic and pills.

MORE TO COME – Follow me IChooseStefan for updates! Feel free to review – I love feedback!


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3 – The Broken (Follow me IChooseStefan)

ELENA's POV

I can't catch my breath. My entire body is shaking and my God I think my brain is going to explode within the confines of my skull. The bathroom is farther away then I remember and it seems to take me forever to get to it, closing the door behind me.

Finally safe – away from him, away from his questions – I lean against the door as I feel my legs giving way. Slowly sliding down to the floor, I grasp at my ring – fisting my left hand and covering it with my right as I hold them against my chest - I can't hold back the tears any more.

Stefan is right. I don't know what he's right about, but I know he's telling me the truth – I know he's the only person who's willing to tell me the truth. This ring, it's the second most precious thing in my life; Second only to my beautiful Allie. What's funny is I don't know where I got it, I don't know how much it cost or what kind of metal it is or when I got it… I have no idea. My first memory of it was while I was pregnant with Allie.

I was about to take a shower and just happened to notice it. I didn't think anything of it until I started to take it off and something inside of me told me no. Something inside of me knew that this ring is priceless. I started to ignore my conscience, but the moment my fingers grasped the metal and tugged I had my first panic attack. I started shaking and crying and sobbing…

When Stefan asked me for it I was appalled at the thought of taking it off, but more than that I was shocked that he'd pay it any attention. Then the questions… my suspicions about Stefan Salvatore are right – if there is anyone who is going to tell me the truth about my missing memories, it's him.

Can this really be happening? Have Bonnie and Jeremy and Matt been lying to me all of this time? Why? Why would they do this? The thought of my only family deceiving me for the past four years wounds me deeply – I can't remember ever feeling so broken and alone.

I can't keep living like this – hollowed and burnt to numbness. This isn't living. I'm tired of waiting to feel whole again. I'm so tired of the constant falling down and each time I just go lower and lower. I've missed so much while wallowing in my self-pity. Allie deserves someone stronger… I don't want to give up, I want to keep going but I just don't think I have it in me. Not now. Now that I know that I've been tricked and misled – a fool, too weak to handle the truth, to handle real life. I'm just weighing everyone down…

I shake my head, rub my fists to my eyes roughly wiping at the tears that won't stop. I need to calm down, I need to be still. It's involuntary when I move to my hands and knees, reaching to grab my purse from the lavatory. I just need to calm down. I can figure this out. I can work through all of this… I just need to calm down.

I sit back on my calves, dumping the pills into my palm; there's at least four Valium… I shake a few more out of the bottle and toss the lot into my mouth. The mineral taste is bitter but comforting at the same time. I don't need water to take the pills down, I've done this so many times before, yet there are quite a few in my dry mouth and I am still bawling - I'm struggling to swallow when I feel Stefan's arm quickly wrap around my waist and he lifts me completely in the air, my back against his chest. My legs don't even have time to straighten before his fingers are in my mouth – searching and scooping the pills from my tongue. I squirm; kicking and biting at his fingers but it doesn't stop him. Now empty, he shoves his hand further in my mouth – turning us towards the bathtub just as my gag reflex reacts and I convulse in his arms, throwing up the pills I've swallowed and the sandwich and water I'd consumed.

The heaving is violently racking through my body. Once, twice, three times… I lose count, nearly lose consciousness – my vision blurring and head swimming wildly.  
I don't notice until later that he's set me on my knees and is kneeling next to me on the bathroom floor; holding back my hair with one hand and the other resting on my lower back as I empty my stomach into the pedestal tub.

Exhausted, completely and utterly spent, I'm limp against the cool porcelain – my arms hanging over the side and my forehead pressed against the smooth ceramic. Satisfied that I'm through vomiting, Stefan gently lays my hair against my back and I hear him begin to go through my purse, looking for my pills. I start crying again when I hear the sound of him emptying my medicine into the toilet. My heart breaks when I hear him suck in a breath through his teeth – he's found the plastic bag of Adderall that I bought from a girl on campus. Even though my body is completely disoriented, I can feel his disappointment. I sink lower, wish that I could fold into myself and disappear.

"What is this, Elena?" His voice sounds as broken as I feel.

When I don't answer him, I hear the plastic rustling as he opens the bag and I panic – quickly turning and trying to grab it from his hands. He reacts faster than I can move and my fingers close around nothing but air. "Please, Stefan. Don't throw those away." Begging him, I try again, moving closer to him, taking hold of his shirt to steady myself as I strain to reach the bag of pills in his hand extended far from his body.

"Elena!" I'm almost climbing over him, my right knee between his, my chest pressing against his chest as I try to get the bag from him. Stefan's right arm is wrapped tightly around my waist and I can't break free – but I'm pulling at his left arm, sobbing and begging and it's no use, he's too strong and I'm too weak. "Elena, stop!" Tossing the bag in the corner of the bathroom furthest away from us, he takes my face in his hands – he doesn't care that my cheeks are wet from tears and snot. "Stop." He says quietly as I focus on his eyes… so green, so beautifully dark and mesmerizing, familiar.

As my shaky breathing slows, we're still facing one another, still looking into one another's eyes. With gentle strokes of his thumbs, Stefan wipes the wetness from my cheeks – I close my eyes, overwhelmed with the gentleness of his touch. When he takes his right hand from my face, I open my eyes again, terrified that he's leaving me – instead, he uses his fingers to wipe the corners of my mouth, brushes down my hair with his fingertips.

Stefan is no monster. Stefan is not evil. I don't know what I was thinking, lost in the fog that seems to be ever present in my mind… of every person on earth, Stefan Salvatore is the last person I should be scared of. I have no memories to reinforce my thoughts, but in this moment, the way he's touching me, caring for me – the sweet kindness in his warm eyes, I can see how I could love him.

"You don't need those." Stefan whispers to me, he brow furrowed as he inspects my face.

I shake my head – he doesn't understand. They are all that keep me from going completely insane. "I do, Stefan. Please don't throw them away. I need them." I start to turn my head, I just need the comfort of seeing them, but his strong hands hold my head in place.

"Look at me." I struggle, "Look at me, Elena." It's no use, I'm too tired to fight, so I do as he says and look at him. He's so beautiful – his Roman face and leaf green eyes. "You do not need them. I promise you, you can do this. You can get through this." I feel warm tears rolling down my cheeks again – he's putting too much faith in me, I think. "I'll help you Elena. You can do this, okay? I promise you we can do this."

Somehow I know he's being honest when he tells me he'll help me. Somehow I know he'll keep his promise. I fall into him, my arms clinging to his neck and shoulders like he's a life preserver and I've been drowning for the past four years.

STEFAN's POV

After I threw those pills in the toilet, I cleaned the bathtub so Elena could shower – counting nine pills that she threw up. I don't know if she was trying to kill herself or if she was wanting to numb herself to the point of unconsciousness, but those nine plus the five I dug out of her mouth would have been enough to put her into an overdose.

While she showered I went through her purse just to put myself at ease. I didn't find anything else, so I went down to my car and got the blankets. By the time I got back to her apartment she was out of the shower and wearing the pajamas I bought her. The smell of her shampoo, the kind she's always used, it lifted my spirits somehow – maybe because it reminded me of the Elena I used to know.

I haven't slept at all though Elena fell fast asleep curled into a small ball against me. I would never have left her, but it wasn't my idea to lay here with her. How could I tell her no when she asked me to hold her? I don't want to take advantage of Elena, so as soon as I felt her body relax and her breathing fell shallow, I rolled to my back – she fell asleep with my right arm beneath her head and her hands holding tightly to mine.

I've been laying here praying. I haven't prayed in years… a long, long time. It felt odd at first, silently speaking to a deity that I haven't been a good follower of even though I've never lost the faith that my mother taught me. It's just that it's been close to two-hundred years since I've felt worthy of God. Elena, however, she is deserving of His grace, worthy of His help… I don't know if she's in her right mind, if she's turned to Him or not so I will do it for her. I've heard that one should not bargain with God, but I don't have much else to offer him besides swearing off human blood forever. I swore to Him that if He'd help Elena, I will never drink another drop of human blood. Believe me, I realize how big of a promise that is to keep, but if there is any reason in the world that will keep me on path, hold me to my word, it's Elena. After a couple hours of begging God to be with her, help her find her way, hold Elena's hand as she tries to make it through what I am sure is going to be a sad, dark time, it began to feel natural and safe, so I just kept silently talking – I covered everything from my missing my Mother and Father and Damon to asking for help for an author I really like and want to help get him published. It was nice, unloading like that.

The eastern sky is turning pink with the sunrise and to be honest, I'm thankful for the day. I can fight a few vampires, I can take down werewolves and hybrids and a whole host of Originals if I have to… but I am feeling a little lost and very scared of this villain… the drugs, her depression – I know it's all as a result of the compulsion, but I have no idea how to fix it. The darkness of night only made the situation seem even more threatening and I'm hoping that I'll get a little more sturdy in the sunlight.

I turn my head to look at Elena and find her looking right at me – I'm startled. Her eyes are still sleepy, slightly red around the edges with heavy eyelids, her hair somewhat unruly from going to bed with it still wet. It hurts my bones that she's so beautiful, yet broken.

Words seem out of place somehow – like it's too early in the morning or maybe too soon after what we experienced last night – we don't speak. I like looking at her. I like that she's looking at me. I'm encouraged by the softness of her gaze and relaxed smile of her mouth – this is the closest that she's been to the Elena of years past since I saw her in the conference room at work. When I feel her hand coming to face, I don't stop her though I wonder if I should have when her fingertips touch my lips. It's instinct, kissing her fingers. Elena watches my lips as I watch her eyes. When she grazes her nails through the hair above my ear, brushing it back, I close my eyes – she has no idea that she's just broken my heart with her gentle touch. That exact motion, this same sensation is the last thing I can remember feeling when I suffocated in my blood on that bridge in Rome. I hope that she doesn't see the tear fall from the corner of my eye.

It's unfair that she and I have had to go through the kind of hell we've experienced – over and over being ripped apart, shredded and mangled. Elena doesn't deserve this kind of pain. It's all my fault – I understand that I am the bearer of all the weight, but it doesn't change the fact that I cannot stop loving her. Maybe I'm being selfish, I don't know, but I know I can't leave now. My plan of leaving for Dallas after this weekend dissolved when I promised her I'd help her. Wrong or not, I'll love Elena until my last moment on this Earth. I don't care that being with her is just going to make it harder on me when I have to lose her… it doesn't matter. I've given her my word and made promises to her, promises made over many years through tears and through blood. She is my soul.

"I know that I am supposed to hate you." Her voice is barely a whisper, barely able to be heard by human ears. "I just don't think I can." Those words wouldn't sound like much to anyone else, but for me there as close to hearing her tell me she loves me as I am going to get. I flex every muscle, hold my breath, try to keep myself from filling my desire. My body wants to hold her. My lips want to kiss her. I can feel myself giving way to my thoughts of her body tangled with mine so I sit up. I need to put distance between us. Putting my weight on one arm and bending my leg, I start to get up off of the pallet we're laying on when Elena grabs arm. I look back at her laying on the blanket– inspecting her deep brown eyes when she says, "You can kiss me. If you want."

I'm not sure if she even finishes her words before my lips find hers, my fingers beneath her chin, tilting her face to me. Her lips fit against mine like a puzzle piece, her full bottom lip perfectly curved to be enveloped between mine. We don't move for a long moment – I wonder if she can feel the gravity between us, the frequency that we've shared since the day I met her. When I move back, just an inch or so, I want to kiss her again, but I know that it's got to be her choice. It seems like an excruciating long time before she closes the space between us and kisses me again. I've had many years to long for her kiss, for the gentle friction of her tongue against mine… I would have waited a hundred years to experience this. She kisses me softly, pulls away, hovers close to my lips before kissing me again - sucking my bottom lip into her mouth a bit, her tongue grazing against it before I meet her movements. I'm concerned that if I take over, take the lead and set the pace that it'll go too far, I know what I want – so I stay still, let Elena decide how far she wants this to go. My hand moves to her neck, into her hair and she kisses me deeper – I can't hold myself back, I'm losing every ounce of strength I have each time her lips slip against mine. Just as I decide I can't take it anymore, start to give in and take over, she turns her face away, breaking our kiss – she's out of breath. Elena's hand comes to my face, slips through my hair and pulls me down to her – hugging me, my lips kiss her neck. She gives a little laugh, "I had a feeling you were an excellent kisser… at least I got that right."

I smile, let my hand move down her neck, grazing down her arm and removing her hand from my hair as I sit up on my elbow. She's still wearing my ring. I hold her fingers, kiss her knuckles, kiss the ring.

"Tell me about the ring." Elena's eyes are focused and clear in the dim, blue gray daylight.

I inhale deeply, trying to buy myself some time. I don't know if I can talk about it. I don't know if she's going to believe me. I'm not sure if I can handle that. "I gave it to you."

"It's an engagement ring?" She asks like she already knows the answer. I nod, bite my lip as I recall her face when she stepped off of the elevator into the lobby – already wearing her wedding dress – beautiful and so happy… unbroken. "I'm sorry that I can't remember."

I sit up so I don't have to face her. Close my eyes tightly, wonder if I'll ever see that girl again… the girl that knew she loved me. Standing, I pop my neck, then extend my hand to her. "Come on, let's get you something to eat."

ELENA's POV

We haven't said much since we talked about the ring this morning. I'm feeling more and more embarrassed about how I fell apart last night and I can tell that he's exhausted. I'm already on my second cup of coffee and have nearly finished an orange cranberry muffin when Stefan comes back to the table. After ordering our muffins and coffees, he stepped outside and stood on the sidewalk to make a phone call. I took a seat near the window – I guess I did it so I could watch him. I hope he doesn't realize I was observing him for the length of his phone call.

"It's good huh?" He motions to the one-bite left of my muffin. "I don't live too far from here and when I run in the mornings I make a stop by for the muffins."

Smiling at the thought of him running, I lean over to him and fake whisper, "You're a vampire…"He doesn't need to exercise or eat muffins.

"What can I say… I'm sucker for human food." When he sits he tucks his cell phone into his back pocket and I can't help but ask.

"Was that the girlfriend?" He nods, sipping at his black coffee. "Did you tell her your old friend from Mystic Falls lost her mind last night and you had to stay over and sleep in the floor?"

I guess it's too soon to joke about it because he gives me a stern look, his eye brows knitted together. "Not funny." He says. "But no, I didn't tell her about you."

I find that odd – I feel like Stefan is an honest guy, keeping me from his girlfriend feels out of character. "Why?"

He shrugs, "She didn't ask."

I consider his response and it makes sense I guess. Outside of a coffee shop at seven in the morning doesn't seem like the right place to bring up spending the night at another girl's apartment without being directly asked.

We go back to our silence for a bit and it's comfortable, just being with him. I am sure he notices me inspecting him, but he keeps his eyes on his food as I look him over. He's really something… my mind goes back to a class I took my sophomore year – Greek and Roman History. The chiseled jaw, hard cut shoulders, arms, and chest muscles, long and lean frame; if it were possible for the Disc Thrower to come alive, it would be Stefan's sculpture-like body. He's wearing his white-ribbed tanktop, what was his undershirt before I threw up on his blue button-up - the tight cotton fabric doesn't leave much to the imagination.

"Thank you." I don't feel like I have to thank him, or apologize even, but I want him to know that I appreciate what he did last night. He nods again. I wish he'd talk. Tell me what's going on in his head. I believe him, that at one point I was in love with him – I can only imagine how terrible this situation must be from his point of view. I guess that's why I let him kiss me this morning. I mean, he's gorgeous and there was an obvious tension between us… in another life I would have kissed him, maybe more. But the truth is I let him kiss me because I knew he wanted to and I felt like he'd earned as much.

When he nods again, I understand that he doesn't want to talk about last night, not yet, and go back to my curiosity about his girlfriend. "What's she like?"

"My girlfriend?" Stefan asks like he has no idea why I'd bring her up. This time I nod – pushing him to talk. "Um," He scrunches up his face, looks up at the ceiling, to the art on the walls. "I don't know. I mean… what do you want to know?"

"What does she look like?"

He frowns, "Blonde, medium height, green eyes, same age as you – vampire." He shrugs again and I decide to dig deeper. I want to know Stefan… if I knew him and loved him once, then I should get to know him again.

"How long have you been together?"

"One and off for two or three years, I guess."

"Does she love you?" He narrows his eyes when I ask this – I'm not sure why questions about his girlfriend are making him uncomfortable.

"In a way."

I roll my eyes, "What does that mean?" When Stefan pops his neck, clears his throat, I can tell I should probably leave the topic alone – but I don't. "Do you love her?"

Stefan leans back in his seat, eyes on the table as he turns his paper coffee cup in a circle with his thumb and middle finger. "Come on, Elena. It's too early for this."

"So you love her but she doesn't love you?" I try, getting a little aggravated by his evasiveness.

He looks at me, square in the face, lips pursed. Stefan is frustrated. I wonder if it's from sleeping on the floor or the girlfriend-issue. "Are we back to twenty questions?" His voice is light, playful, so I smile, popping the last bit of muffin in my mouth - I slept wonderfully and have no problem discussing her. "It's not like that between us. She and I, we have this… understanding, if you will. I know she's holding out for someone else. She knows how I –" He pauses, looks away from me. "She knows about you."

On his exterior, Stefan is strong and confident – looking at him you can see he's got it all together, he emits an aura of classic style, intelligence, and assertiveness – but his eyes are telling. Something about the grass green specs shinning in contrast with the olive color of his iris, maybe it's the deep evergreen boarder – I don't know, but I can see in his eyes that he's vulnerable.

"Is he human? The _someone else_ that she's waiting for?"

His expression tells me he's not being completely honest when he answers, "He's comatose."

"I can tell you're lying." My words come out of my mouth like I'm surprised – I am, really. I hardly know Stefan yet I'm able to read him like a book.

Stefan smiles at me – this bright, proud smile - it's a beautiful sight. "I'm sure you can. You know me very well."

I feel victorious – it's stupid I know, I can't remember much about him, about us, but I like that at some point in my life this man was mine… deep inside me, I'm electrified with the thought that in an instant, Stefan would give himself to me all over again. I know he wants me and the darkest parts of me like knowing that I have power over him. This strong, unbreakable, immortal man bends only for me.

"Tell me about us."

Stefan takes a long drink of his coffee and I figure he's getting his thoughts together. "I will. I'll answer any questions you have; I just don't think we should get into all of that right now." He's worried about me; I can see it in those telling eyes of his. "Besides, the moving truck should be here soon and I need to get some things done before the gala tonight."

Stefan's change of subject works – I don't realize that he's tabled my question until much later in the morning. "Gala?"

He furrows his brow at me. "Jennifer didn't tell you? Robert wants you there." I shrug, shake my head – this is the first I've heard of a gala that I'm expected to attend. "It's a fundraiser, for North Carolina's literacy program – black tie."

"I have nothing to wear to a black tie fundraiser gala." I sigh, frustrated – my heart beginning to race. _My first responsibility as co-editor for Paestum Publishing and I'm going to fail… of course_. My nerves start to give, my fingers tremble on the table top. I need a valium and knowing that I don't have any and cannot get a prescription for them really sets fire to the panic attack. My lungs start to hurt at the same time my lips begin to shake – I can feel the burn of tears forming in my eyes.

Stefan takes hold of my shaking hand. "Hey, it's fine." Gently squeezing my fingers, I look at his hand enveloping mine, then to his eyes. "There are some nice shops in town; we can find something for you. You look amazing in anything, so it won't be hard." The combination of his joke and his laugh make me smile through my anxiety. "Seriously, this is nothing. Okay?" I breathe in and out slowly – keep my eyes locked with Stefan's as it seems to be helping me calm down… they really are a beautiful shade of green.

I nod, swallowing. "Okay."

"There will be a lot of people there, so you and I will just blend in. Robert never goes to these things and I wouldn't be surprised if Jennifer skips out on it, too. A top forty band is playing and she's is more of a Slipknot kind of girl."

Nearly completely calm, I'm surprised at how quickly my panic attack resided and laugh at the thought of Jennifer head-banging in a mosh-pit somewhere – she was wearing a vintage yellow sundress and had the look of an off-beat hipster when I met her at my interview.

The feeling between us changes somehow, morphing into a whole different kind of atmosphere the longer we look into each others eyes – maybe it's his boyish smile or the way our fingers lace together like a muscle-memory – the friendly, upbeat quality is quickly replaced with something thicker, more electric. When I feel the core of my body aching to move to him, I remember that push/pull sensation I experienced when I found him on the other side of my door last night. It's forceful and hard to resist, especially when he cocks his head to the side a bit, parting his lips just so. I feel my fingers start to shake again but I know its not panic – I want him. I want him badly. My nerves are tingling with such ferocity that I almost do not feel the vibration of my phone against my hip until Stefan's eyes leave mine and he looks towards the buzzing sound.

It runs through my mind to just let it go, I don't want to lose this moment – it feels so good, heavenly and innocent and sinful all at the same time – but the mother in me wonders if it's something to do with Allie. The instant my hand leaves Stefan's the electricity is gone and I miss it immediately. The way Stefan sits back in his seat, rolls his head from side to side tells me he feels the same way.

I read my text message with muddied thoughts of what could've happened had my cell not interrupted Stefan and I. "It's from the moving company. They are fifteen minutes away."

Stefan stayed at Elena's apartment long enough to make sure the movers were no threat and that they had everything under control. Leaving her was strangely difficult for him. He knew that he'd see her in a couple of hours – once he picked up his suit, hunted, and showered – but it had been a long night and Stefan's love for Elena somehow grew even deeper by sunrise.

Caroline made it to Dallas safely. During their conversation before breakfast he told her that he wouldn't be joining her on Monday as originally planned. Blaming it on work, Caroline bought it without too much push back. She knew Stefan was loyal to Robert Dexter, he considered him a friend even, and if Robert asked Stefan to stay longer to train a replacement, it wasn't surprising that Stefan would agree. That lie was easy to get away with. What he was finding more and more difficult to get around was Elena's questions about his girlfriend… about Caroline. The only thing he knew for certain about Damon's compulsion was that he specifically mentioned Caroline being with the Originals. Remembering the way Elena reacted when she remembered Stefan's fall from grace, the months he lived out his ripper ways, he was terrified about how she would react if she believed he was dating her enemy, Caroline. Stefan knew he'd have to tell her eventually; continuing to lie to her would only make her reaction worse.

Sitting on his bed, freshly showered and full from his hunt, Stefan thought about how the tables had turned and he was now the strong hold, Elena the one needing saved. He'd not been sure of himself at first, but the more time he spent with her he was gaining more confidence in their connection. There had been multiple times where he could see Elena chipping away at the compulsion – it would take time, but one day, he was sure she would find her memories of him. It was good that she wanted to know the truth, wanted him to answer her questions – but Stefan knew he would have to approach much of their story cautiously. This Elena, though he loved her deeply no matter what form she was in, was not the Elena he was accustomed to. Strong and resilient, controlled and steadfast. This Elena was harder to follow, her reactions more difficult to predict. He hated to even think it, but she was weakened. _Weakened_

Inhaling deeply, letting his lungs stretch to full capacity, the ache of his sore muscles from his run helping him focus, Stefan put on his blue cap and stood. _She is weaker_; he thought as he fastened his belt and straightened the fabric of his grey tee-shirt, _but it doesn't matter, I'll stay with her until she's strong again_. _It doesn't matter how long it takes. _

When Stefan pulled up to the curb in front of The Market Street Lofts, Elena was just coming out of the lobby. He recognized the brown canvas messenger back – she'd had it since her trip to Spain. It was nice to see small reminders of his old Elena, though if he were to be honest about it, he enjoyed this Elena too. He wanted her to be stronger, yes, but the time they spent together he was in the moment –not longing for Elena of old.

"Everything make it in one piece?" Stefan turned his face away from her, fighting a smile as she bent to sit in his low-riding Mustang – Elena was wearing a short sundress; white with a lime green paisley print, and his car sat low enough that if he'd kept his eyes on her he could have seen further up her dress than she would approve of.

The moment she got in her seat, Elena pulled at the length of her dress, cutting her eyes to Stefan and wondering how much he saw of her before he turned away. It had been a while since she'd been out with anyone other than Matt, but Elena wasn't naive to the point that she couldn't read the silly smile on Stefan's face as he pulled out onto the road. "From what I can tell."

He could feel her eyes on him and turned to look at her, finding her smiling at him with a knowing look on her face. "What?" He laughed.

Elena sighed with false exasperation, "Nothing! I did it to myself by wearing this dress I guess."

Stefan wanted badly to lay his hand on her thigh, but settled for resting it on the gear shift between them. "That is a perfect dress. I love it. You should wear it every time you are planning on getting in or out of my car." He teased. Elena noticed how his eyes seemed to glitter in the mid-day sunlight, lightened by the day to the color of summer grass.

Playful Stefan – Elena rolled her eyes at the thought of all the different versions of him that she'd seen… Caring Stefan while he helped her last night, Professional Stefan at her interview, Friend Stefan when he showed up with her care package and sandwiches - she wondered what Sexy Stefan would be like. Elena recalled the kiss they'd shared at dawn; the way it took her breath away… realizing she'd been quiet too long, her eyes still inspecting him, watching his lips, she blurted out the first thing she could think of. "What happened to your Lexus?"

Stefan's heart nearly stopped – "My Lexus?" The Lexus he's purchased in Miami. Moving his eyes from the road to her face, back to the road, he was taken aback. "How do you…" Swallowing hard and turning down the already low volume of the radio, "I don't understand, what's the last memory you have of me?" Elena's face told him she wasn't sure where he was going, why he's suddenly become tense and serious. "You shouldn't remember that car, Elena." Realizing that "shouldn't" was a bad way of phrasing it – unaware of being compelled, Elena wouldn't understand the parameters of what she was forced to forget. Trying to cover his slip up, Stefan added "I mean, that was during your freshman year."

Elena didn't catch it, but was happy that she'd remembered part of something she'd lost. "It's not like that really. I mean, it's not like a time line. I just have bits and pieces and a lot of it I can't place in any specific situation. I just remember things, not memories…"

Stefan was quiet for a long moment, driving with his focus on the street in front of him. After a while, Elena wondered what he was thinking about. What has making him hold the steering wheel so tightly, why his jaw was flexing. She wanted to question him – why would her remembering his car make him react like this, she missed Playful Stefan. Pulling into a parking lot and easily finding a spot in front of the windows displaying wedding and prom dresses, Stefan finally looked at her – his face was unreadable, _Business Stefan._

"What? Why are you looking at me like that?" Elena asked, frustrated with the turn in his mood.

Running his hand through his hair, Stefan was unsure about where to start. He needed to know more. "What do you remember about me?" Elena wanted to answer the right way, tell him what she knew he wanted to hear. Focusing, putting all her energy into bringing up her memories of Stefan, she felt her head begin to ache, her neck and shoulders tensing. Drudging through those muddy years was physically painful for her and when Stefan noticed it – the furrowing of her brow, the slight grimace on her face, he quickly felt bad for asking. "You know what, we talk about this later. It's not a pressing issue."

Searching his face, Elena knew he was a bit disappointed, as was she, but her failure to remember anything from those years was nothing new for her – she just hated seeing Stefan upset. "Are you sure?"

Nodding his head, Stefan smiled and took her hand in his. He could tell that the pain she'd felt when trying to recall memories through the compulsion had succeeded. "Absolutely, we'll talk later. For now we've got to find a dress that doesn't look like you are on your way to senior prom."

The rest of the afternoon went by quickly. Elena tried on a few dresses, modeling each one for Stefan. They had an ease to their banter – flirty and witty – that Elena was growing quite fond of. She knew which dress she wanted within a few minutes of looking through the special occasion store, but liked the idea of letting Stefan look her over. Through his laughter and jokes, she could see him wanting her – the way his eyes would darken, linger over the curve of her hips or the low cut of the dress longer than it should have. The way his eyes, his desire made her feel was something she was finding impossible to resist – she couldn't get enough of it. With the tension between them ever increasing, it was painfully obvious to Elena that her relationship with Matt had been plutonic and uncharged for many years… maybe for as long as she could remember. Stefan opened doors for her, held her hand, was just slightly domineering – in an old-world, romantic, and gentlemanly way that made Elena feel all-woman, all-encompassed by his attention.

Once she'd chosen the steel grey, just-above-the-knee, sleeveless v-neck dress that seemed to hug her chest and torso perfectly before flaring out just enough over her hips, Stefan insisted that he purchase it. He told her it would be a business expense since Jennifer had forgotten to tell Elena about the gala, but in reality Stefan knew Elena couldn't cover the cost of such an expensive dress and he was happy to buy it. She was beautiful in anything, but he was especially fond of the way she looked in this dress. At nearly twenty—four, Elena was no longer a girl in any way and the smoky grey color and sheen of the satin against her dark hair and olive skin made him hunger for her.

"I still need to get my suit from the dry-cleaners." Putting the car in park in front of Elena's apartments, the thought of kissing her bye ran through his mind more than once even though he knew it wasn't a good idea.

"So eight then?" Elena gathered her dress from the back seat, tucking it over her arm and filling her hands with the to-go box with her left over lunch and plastic cup of Dr. Pepper. "I can be ready by seven or so if you want to go to dinner." It was a sly way of asking him to dinner, she knew, but it was the best she could come up with.

Stefan caught it and smiled that boyish smile, modesty and sexiness wrapped into one. "I do. I do want to go to dinner." He laughed, letting his hand rest on the seat next to her, the back of his fingers grazing the skin of her thigh. Such a simple, gentle touch that gave Elena a surge of electricity through her body.

Inhaling quicker than she meant to, a telling sign that Stefan did not miss, Elena returned his smile. "Seven then. It's a date."


	4. Chapter 4

STEFAN's POV

Surrounded by the dim candle lights and the last bit of sunlight as the day comes to a close, I'm finding it hard to think of a time when Elena has ever looked more beautiful – we've been at this patio table at La Catalan's drinking wine, watching the tide, and talking. The way Elena glows when she talks about Allie, it's a beauty I've never seen before. There's a warmth of love in her eyes that burns into me, makes me long to be part of that reality. I listened to her tell stories about our daughter – learning that her favorite bedtime book is Where The Wild Things Grow, like me, she loves mornings, and like Elena, loves to dance. I made it through it though it was painful to hear about a life I'm so close to but will never have – it's the only thing I've ever wanted in my life and the only thing I cannot acquire as a vampire.

Luckily, the wine kicked in and Elena changed the subject to books and movies and music. It's an easy, first date kind of conversation that lets me watch Elena laugh. It's my most favorite sight in the world, my favorite sound… it's captivating. We're two bottles of sauvignon blanc down and she's just asked the waiter for a another. I know it's not a good idea, but I have a hard time telling her what to do. If she wants to drink a few glasses of wine with our salads and bouillabaisse , who am I to deny her. Even with the pills and what not, I can't force her to rehabilitate and I can't be completely sure that the wine has anything to do with the fact that she's most likely going through withdraws. It's kind of nice, her being so relaxed like this. Elena has always been a bit of a light-weight when it comes to alcohol, so I'm sure this fourth glass is going to tide her over for the night.

She's wearing that steel grey dress with her hair in loose curls down her back, a light bit of makeup, and what I know to be her mother's diamond stud earrings. There's something incredibly sexy about her crimson red heels – strappy and suggestive on her perfect feet. Other than the earrings, the only other jewelry is what she now knows is her engagement ring. I take it as a good sign that even with the knowledge that wearing it means she's promised to me, she hasn't taken it off.

"Okay, I have it!" She's been trying to think of a book I haven't read. I keep telling her that I don't have a whole lot else to do and it's part of my job, but she's determined. "Fifty Shades of Grey?"

I nod with a guilty smile and she has to cover her laugh with her hands. From her reaction, I can guess that she's read it too. "So tell me," Shaking her hair back off of her shoulders, trying to straighten up from her laughing fit, she sips her wine then asks, "what is your professional opinion?"

"About Fifty Shades?" I ask, tipping the rest of my wine into my mouth, then grabbing the new bottle to refill my glass as I answer her question. "Professionally, I would have published it for the simple fact that sex sells. As an editor though, it could have been cut down to one book without each and every sexual encounter taking up four or five pages." I sit back in my seat; let my eyes run down her crossed, bare legs to those shoes. Joking, I add, "But then again, I wouldn't have finished the trilogy if it weren't for the sex."

Elena's voice is all of a sudden less playful, more seductive. "I get the feeling that sex with Stefan Salvatore would probably deserve more than four or five pages."

Granted I'm caught off guard by her come-on, but I'm also buzzing from five glasses of wine in less than ninety minutes while looking over the girl of my dreams – a comeback of equal measure is easy to conjure. I say with a smile, "With you, there are not enough words..."

I let my eyes move from hers to watch her mouth as she involuntarily licks her lips – I play it cool like I'm not wanting to tip the table over in order to get to her when she leans towards me and says "You're a smart guy, big vocabulary - Try..."

Between the way she looks, the burn in her eyes, and her forwardness, she's getting the reaction she's looking for - turning me on, making me pine for her. Thinking about making love to her makes my lungs hurt – I want her badly and my mind is recalling the way her eyes close when I move in her, how her lips swell from the friction of our kisses, the way she gently raises her eyebrows and widens her eyes just before she finishes. The way she says my name in a way that only she can…

She's sitting here waiting for me to answer her challenge – sexy and confident, her hair barely moving in the breeze – I just start talking. "There's a connection; a grounding and electricity is burning through us. It's like being robbed of air, drowning in heat. The way you breathe does as much to me as your body. It's this mixture of greed and giving that's sinful and virtuous at the same time. I lose myself, I lose track of time, forget that anything else exists – it's just you and me."

Looking at her, I have no idea what she's thinking. She's no longer smiling, but her lips are slightly parted and I think I see them form a small o when she exhales. I'm sure of it when I see her chest cave and her chin tremble as she pushes out her breath – this tight lung, tingling nerves, mouth watering craving that I'm fighting is the same thing she's experiencing. Telling myself that its simply inappropriate to lift her from the seat she's in and take her back to my car, I overhear someone at another table order a Guinness and I'm reminded of the night we came back to Mystic Falls from Miami – our few hours of seclusion, before anyone knew that I was alive – and I smile. A big, idiot, wow-that-is-a-great-memory kind of smile and it breaks the tension between us a bit.

She fans her face with her hand dramatically – Elena is trying to deflect but I don't miss the new redness to her lips or the flush of her cheeks. "Wow."When she shakes her head at me, I just laugh - a little embarrassed, a little frustrated with the fact that no matter how badly I want her or how she responds, my desires will have to be ignored. "You have a way with words."

Chandler's Wharf isn't a large neighborhood, encompassing the oldest part Wilmington, so we decided to walk from the French wine bar to Cape Fear River Deck where the event is being held. Elena held my hand for the entire walk as she took in the beautiful waterside view and colonial buildings. I pointed out my apartment building and a great deli, as well as a park that she and Allie might want to visit. Its funny, the way we're falling back into the comfort of each other. Elena doesn't remember me really, and it's been four years of solitude for me, but the way we are together is natural.

The band is loud, but good. After standing at the edge of the crowd of people watching them perform a few songs, she led me around through the silent auction tables – I made a mental note to go back to one of the tables that had a mother-daughter spa package and place a bid… a large, will-absolutely-win bid. I could tell by the amount of attention she paid to the package details that she wanted it for her and Allie, but she can't afford it. As I've said, I can't be with Elena and I can't be Allie's father, but I'll take care of them.

There are five or six white-clothed tables with silver trays full of hors d'oeuvres and desserts, an open bar, and waiters with platters full of long stemmed glasses brimming with sparkling, gold champagne. It bothers me, just a little, that Elena skips the food choices but takes a glass from a passing waiter.

"You know, wine makes you twice as hung over as any other alcohol." I whisper, loudly, over the music and the crowd. Elena just smiles back at me, our hands still together, as I trail behind her on our way to the tables seated on the opposite end from the band. The further away we get from the music, the easier it is to talk and the older the crowd. Elena takes us to the table closest to the water and nearly stumbles over her high heel when she takes a seat. I almost say something, but her laugh distracts me and I end up captivated and forgetting that I was upset.

Looking up at the lines of outdoor lights crisscrossing over the uncovered seating area, Elena's nearly black eyes reflect the multiple orbs of light and it actually looks like she has stars in her eyes – the sight warms me deep inside – I love her. "Are these lights always here? It's beautiful."

"I think so. I'm usually only down here in the mornings when I run." I sit. Something about her starry eyes is making me feel sad, makes me miss her even though she's right in front of me.

Elena rolls her eyes at me playfully, crosses her legs as she leans back and slouches in her seat. "So if you didn't run and exercise and all, would you get fat?"

"I don't think so, I don't know really. I exercise to curb my hunger and it's a good way for me to clear my head. Besides I don't really eat many calories with my nutritional needs."

"You _are_ good with words!" She laughs again. I know she's drunk, but I've never seen her laugh so easily so often and I love it at the same time that I'm bothered by her overdoing it. "Nutritional needs sounds much better than blood is low fat." I take a drink of my water and look out over the black ocean. I get lost in my thoughts about how I wish this night would go versus how I know it should end. I can still hear the band and most of the lyrics are all endless love and deep heartbreak – it resonates with me. Elena gets my attention by playfully rubbing her foot on the inside of my calf, "Twenty questions?" she asks.

She's drunk, I can hear it in her voice and see it in her glassy eyes but her touching, flirty ways have me thrown off guard – I smile and nod.

"I remember you left with Klaus, but what happened after you left? Where did Damon go?"

_Damon questions again…_ "He stayed with you." She raises one eyebrow, "When did he leave?"

I don't want to answer this question. I'll regret for the rest of my life that Damon never left her and I did. I'll never forgive myself for hurting her by not keeping in contact when I left with Klaus, then when I left for Italy… my absence created a gaping hole that Damon filled. Damon was the better man as he never left her side. "Isn't it my turn to ask?" I try with a weak smile.

Elena answers in a sing-song voice, "Nope. I'm the one with memory loss so I get to ask all the questions!"

I sigh, pressing the air out of tight lips – I can't even look at her when I say it. "He didn't. Damon stayed with you while I was with Klaus. He helped you try and find me, bring me back to Mystic Falls. Then, later, when I left for Italy he stayed; you dated awhile."

"Ha!" Elena looks like she's just heard the most ridiculous story in the world. "I would have never dated Damon. You, okay… I can see that, but Damon – no way."

That actually makes me feel good – great, really. I laugh with her for a moment, "No really. You really cared for him by the time I got back to town with Klaus."

"Shut up! I can't believe that. He killed Jeremy! He fed off of Caroline… no way!"

I shrug. I was just as shocked when I realized she'd developed feelings for him as she is now – I just wasn't' as tickled by it.

When I don't offer any more information or renege my statement, Elena seems to think it over for a long moment. I look at the ground, remember how alone I was when I found out she loved Damon, how it broke me when she slept with him in Spain.

It's almost like she's picked up my thoughts when she asks, "Did I really take classes in Spain?"

"Yep. Barcelona." I'm not going to talk about Spain. I won't. I don't think I can. I know I had no hold over Elena while she was there; we'd broken up and she was free to see whomever she wanted – including my brother, but it doesn't change the fact that it destroyed me.

Thankfully, she doesn't press it – she doesn't know anything of consequence happened. "Have I been anywhere else, besides Spain?"

Choosing my words carefully is getting difficult. Honestly, I'm getting tired of not being able to tell her the truth. "Naples, Italy during your freshman year Thanksgiving break. Miami for your first spring break, then a few months later Rome." Elena looks at me like I'm lying to her – I can't imagine how this must sound. Surely there was some kind of lie set in place of her actual memory. "Not what you thought?"

She blinks a few times, finishes her champagne in a large gulp. "No… not at all. I can't believe I've traveled to Europe three times and can't remember it at all." Elena sounds sad. The sorrowful tone in her voice makes me feel for her.

"And Miami." I remind her

"I remember Miami." My furrowed brow must tell her that I'm doubtful as she goes into more depth without me asking. "I spent a week there and had a great time." The sound of her voice doesn't match her words – what should be a memory of fun and youth is just a forced response. The sentence sounds as hollow as her memory of the week in Miami that she never had. Elena notices it too, purses her lips and looks at the ground. Even the large amount of alcohol she's consumed doesn't seem to be enough to numb her the way she's hoping.

"I met up with you in Miami on the first night you got to town. I flew in from Italy to find you." The memory of her dancing in that Cuban club with Bonnie and Caroline washes over me right about the same time a cool breeze hits us from the ocean – I don't know which I should blame for the shiver than runs through my back muscles. I stood against the wall of that club, human me watching human Elena – terrified of talking to her. Eager to start our human lives together and so scared she would run – and she did! She didn't believe me. I smile when I think of how I had to chase her down and quickly rattle off our memories – Mr. Tanner's class, taking her to my father's house the day I explained about vampires …how she wouldn't let me hide from her. "You were there with Caroline and Bonnie. That's where I found out about you and Damon dating… it's also where I bought the Lexus you mentioned earlier."

The fretful expression on her face tells me that none of that this is making any sense. "No… I remember us riding in it together…"

I nod. "I drove us back to Mystic Falls the next morning. Damon needed you." It's not a lie, but it's not the truth. If she can't believe that we met up in Miami there is no way she'll believe that I was human. "Caroline and Bonnie stayed for the week."

Elena shakes her head and I feel terrible that she's coming to the realization that most of what she believes to be true are lies. "Bonnie has told me stories of what we did, how we had so much fun… She's lied to me about everything… " She looks at me like she's trying to read me, figure out a puzzle. "She told me you and Damon kind of used me. That you were both hung up on Katherine and I was kind of 2.0 version that you two competed over. She said you were kind of a player with the girls in town and that I was just another conquest to you." When she pauses, waiting for me to deny it, I stay silent – let her work through her thoughts. "That wasn't true, was it? You really loved me."

I can't answer her – I more than loved her and I don't feel any different in this moment than I did when I married her in Rome. I just nod, unable to look away from her beautiful face.

"I just don't understand, why would she want me to hate you?"

I'm not really ready to let go of that first date feel from earlier and Elena's too drunk to hear that she was compelled to forget the father of her child because he'd been murdered by an Original vampire. It's not the right time, but I don't know how to detour around the truth, so I'll leave it up to Elena. "I can tell you everything, right here right now. Or we can spend the rest of this night ignorant to all the hell we've been through and just have a good time drinking more wine and dancing, and who knows, I may even break your no flirting rule and try to steal a kiss."

The hurt look that was on her face disappears into a sweet smile. "You're right. We can talk about all of that tomorrow. Just one question, is Caroline even alive?"

Shit. May as well tell her. I look at her, really take her in just in case she storms off and I don't see her again. "Caroline is my girlfriend."

There's that sharpness in her eyes again – I'm starting to realize that she pushes past whatever is causing the dull gaze in her eyes when she's angry. "Caroline Forbes?" I nod, purse my lips. "I knew you had a thing for her!"

I hold up my finger – I was never been even _almost_ unfaithful to Elena, not even in my imagination and I won't let her believe that I anything less than devoted to her. "No… not until you and I were over with. And even then it was a year or two later."

"I distinctly remember you looking at Caroline like you do – all burning eyes and clenched jaw." Elena adjusts in her seat, uncrossing her legs then crossing them again. "I was right to be suspicious of you two!"

I give a little laugh – it's fake and it's obviously forced "Oh no no, trust me when I tell you you've got that all wrong."

"Stefan, I saw you with her!" Elena attempts to stand but quickly realizes she's wobbly and sits back down.

I have no idea what she's talking about - seeing me with Caroline – it's got to be some part of Damon's compulsion. The idea that Damon would actually tell Elena that I was with Caroline irks me. "When?"

Her eyes dance around me – from my face to the ground, to the candle light on the table, up to the hanging lights, back to the table. It's like something turns on inside of her eyes when she looks back at me. Elena's voice is quiet but forceful, accusatory. "In my dorm room… you kissed her goodbye. She buttoned your pants, Stefan!" That looks really bad out of context, I realize that, but the fact that moments earlier from this memory she's retrieved Elena and I were making out on her bedroom floor makes me hopeful and I smile. My smile really pisses Elena off. "Why are you grinning like that?"

This time when she stands her anger has sobered her just enough that she doesn't wobble and takes off towards the band, grabbing another glass of champagne on the way. I follow closely, watch her walk, enjoy the view – she's mad, okay, but she's also breaking through the walls of her memory.

I don't know where she's planning on going but as we cross the dance floor I tire of following her and stop in my tracks, grab Elena's hand and tug her back to me – she has to turn to face me to keep from falling –her free hand on my chest and her body impacts roughly against mine. The gravity that I feel when I'm with her has been on the low end for most of the night – less our descriptive conversation following the Fifty Shades discussion – but at this moment, her eyes looking up at me and our bodies pressed against one another the frequency jumps to a peak. I know Elena feels it – there is no way she can't sense the magnetism we share. Still holding her hand, I slip the other against her neck, stroke the line of her jaw with my thumb just as the band breaks into the last chorus of Take Me Away. I force away a smile when she nearly leans in to kiss me. Instead I put my lips against her ear. "I never cheated on you, Elena."

"Well someone cheated!" She says loudly, moving away from me just enough that we can see each other's faces. "I don't even know what that means!" She gives a frustrated, sarcastic laugh.

"You cheated on Damon. You and me." She furrows her brow. "You were dating Damon but you and I were seeing each other. I was in your dorm room when Damon came to get you – I'd stayed the night and we were nearly caught… Caroline saved my ass by pretending like I was there with her."

The music stops as the upbeat song ends and we don't have to speak so loudly now.

Elena looks confused for another moment or two. When she speaks it's a rattling pace and sounds almost desperate. "I don't remember that… I.. it seems right though. I feel so lost, Stefan. I don't understand what's going on. I don't understand how I feel now, how I feel about you. I don't understand who I am anymore, Stefan."

That painful look is back on her face, like when I pushed her about my Lexus earlier and I just want it to go away. Releasing her hand, I cup her face. "It's okay. I don't expect you to remember. We'll figure it out."

I feel her hands move under my suit jacket, resting at my sides just above the waist of my pants. Her thumbs grazing the front of my torso just as the lead singer begins a new song accompanied only by an acoustic guitar; The entire crowd is silent, his voice and the lyrics are haunting. (/HbDW0HxiUq4)

_How long have I been in this storm?  
So overwhelmed by the ocean's shapeless form  
Water's getting harder to tread  
With these waves crashing over my head_

The words seem to hurt her; Elena's eyes glitter with unshed tears pooling at the rims of her lashes, "Why can't I remember you, Stefan? What happened to me?"  
_  
If I could just see you  
Everything would be all right  
If I'd see you  
This darkness would turn to light_

Looking at her, I swear she already knows what I'm going to say. How much longer can I keep the truth from her? I can answer every question she asks but it won't change the fact that she's not going to remember the parts where she loved me, where I loved her. Elena may never know how much she means to me… but I'll never give up. I'll always protect Elena, I'll always be here for her – no matter the cost.

_And I will walk on water  
And you will catch me if I fall  
And I will get lost into your eyes  
and everything will be alright  
and everything will be alright_

She can see it on my face that I'm holding back, her eyes searching mine. "Elena, I…" She hugs me tightly, her arms wrapping around my torso like she's scared she may fall. I hold onto her, the love of my life – my wife, the mother of my child who doesn't have any idea the lengths I would go to love her... I love her. I've loved her my entire life. I'll love her til the sun burns out.  
_  
I know you didn't bring me out here to drown  
So why am I ten feet under and upside down  
Barely surviving has become my purpose  
Because I'm so used to living underneath the surface_

_If I could just see you  
Everything would be all right  
If I'd see you  
This darkness would turn to light_

Moving back, taking her face in my hands, I kiss her forehead then take a deep breath; steadying myself, "Elena, you were so upset after –"

There's a quick flash of light, Elena and I turn our faces towards it in unison. Blake Townley – camera in hand – is grinning at me like he's just caught me red-handed. I feel Elena's head turn away in my hands – she's embarrassed by her tearful eyes. "How's it going, Salvatore?"

Blake is the Arts & Entertainment reporter for the Wilmington Star News – picture a young Ryan Seacrest; a few inches taller and a real jackass, egotistical and cocky. Extending his hand to me, I do my best to not look at him like I want to snap his neck. Blake and I met back in the fall when the paper did a piece on Paestum Publishing. Since then, it seems like everywhere I go, he's there – the holiday fundraisers, a New Year's party that Caroline insisted we go to at the capitol building, and even the gym I sometimes workout at. It got to the point that I stalked him for a few days just to make sure he wasn't a vampire out for some kind of revenge or working for Elijah.

Every time we're around each other he gets more and more brave, getting closer to crossing the line with me. From his vulgar stories about the women he's been with to the way he continually tries to show me he's the alpha male, he's one of the very few humans that I wouldn't mind if I hurt.

I don't like the guy – he underhanded and sneaky - and he's just started this interaction off on the wrong foot by interrupting what would have been a very important moment.

My hands leave Elena's face – one meets Blake's and I shake his hand while the other trails down Elena's arm and rests on the small of her back. He and I share an intense glare for a long moment – "Blake" I nod as a greeting.

He's been interested in Caroline since he met her last fall. She and I were having dinner with Pepper and Robert, and Blake came over and took a seat at our table uninvited. Blake is a brave, stupid guy… making a couple passes at Caroline right in front of me. Thing is, Caroline isn't mine and I don't care if someone else flirts with her. I think the fact that Caroline shot him down and I completely ignored his disrespectful behavior just made him want to show me up even more. I'm sure he's delighted at catching me in such an intimate position with another girl. "This is Elena Gilbert."

Blake moves to shake Elena's hand but his eyes never really leave mine. This guy has no idea who he's attempting to stare down. I could rip his arm from his body and beat him to death with the bloody nub if I felt so inclined.

"Where's Caroline? She usually loves these kinds of things!" I don't miss the slight narrowing of his eyes – he thinks he's being sly, mentioning Caroline as if Elena doesn't know about her. "Emily, was it, have you met Caroline? Stefan's girlfriend."

"Yes, she and I went to school together." Elena barely finishes her sentence before he starts talking again, his eyes finally find her – when he looks her up and down too slowly my fingers dig into the palms of my hands in tight fists.

"You are simply… wow, you're stunning!" Don't get me wrong – Elena is absolutely beautiful, but when Blake complements her he cuts his eyes at me. I'm sure he does think she's _stunning_, but he's only putting on this show to get at me – it's working. "Stefan, you wouldn't mind if I took your friend for a dance would you?"

I don't answer – yes I mind. I mind very much. This guy is a slimeball, but Elena is looking at him with a polite smile on her face and I have to cover my mouth with my hand to keep from breaking my rule about telling Elena what to do.

I'm actually a little surprised when Elena shakes her head and I feel her fingers lace with mine, "We're actually in the middle of-"

Again, he interrupts her. "Ah-ah, I won't take no for an answer!" Blake takes Elena by her shoulder like he's going to pull her away from me. I don't mean to use such force, but my open hand hits his chest so hard that the impact knocks a bit air from his lungs, disrupts the rhythm of his breathing and he stumbles back a step or two. It's not terrible; he coughs a couple of times, looks at me with wide, surprised eyes as he catches his breath.

In a friendly, quit-fucking-with-me kind of way I grasp his shoulder, just tightly enough that he won't forget that I am obviously stronger than he realized. I don't like that he called her Emily so I break up the syllables of her name when I say, "E-LEH-NAH and I were just leaving, Blake. I'll be sure to let Caroline know you say hello."

ELENA's POV

Stefan is leading me through the crowd and walking quickly enough that I'm having trouble keeping up; His legs are longer, he's more sober, and I'm wearing four and a half inch stiletto's. "Stefan… wait, slow down."

He keeps going for a few more feet until we make it to the sidewalk – I don't know if he's stopping now because I asked him to or if this dark, nearly deserted spot was where he was going all along, either way, I'm glad to stop the run-walk. He lets go of my hand and paces a bit. I'm not sure what's going on. Back there with that guy he was the picture of calm, seething just below the surface maybe, but he seems almost raging now. I watch him, his hands on his hips, those perfect teeth biting into his perfect lip.

I don't know which Stefan I like more – Playful or Authoritarian. Don't get me wrong, I love that Stefan is gentle and kind, the way he treats me like I'm special and important… but sometimes I don't want to be treated like glass. I know he's a vampire. I'm fully aware that he's strong, but seeing him confidently putting that guy in his place was a turn on.

My imagination is running wild with thoughts of his body and mine. I'm drunk yes, but I can't blame my naughty thoughts on the alcohol as I've been falling into them all day. My gaze is locked on his bottom lip, on his perfect white teeth pressing into the soft, nude pink flesh that I just know must feel like satin. When I shiver with the thought, Stefan notices and stops the pacing, furrows his brow with concern.

"Elena, sorry… I didn't think." He moves to take off his jacket – he thinks my tremor is from the cool breeze - my eyes watch his chest muscles rolling beneath the stretched-tight fabric of his white shirt. I see his beautiful, strong shoulders square up when he steps close and slips his suit coat over me. "Do you want to go somewhere and talk? Maybe we should just get this over with."

I'll blame in on the fact that I haven't had any of that medicine in over twenty-four hours, but my mind is bouncing all over the place. Yes, I want to know what I've been lied to about for almost five years – of course I do, but right now, all I can think of is Stefan. Not the Stefan Bonnie made him out to be, but the Stefan that smells like body wash and hair product and warmth, a scent that makes me want to taste him. This man standing in front of me with his Roman face and warm eyes that I can almost feel... the Stefan that my body seems to be polarized to – "Let's go back to my place." When our eyes meet, I'm amazed at how that push/pull feeling is back again. Tugging at me for what seems like an eternity of tension, drawing me to him though I can't seem to move

Finally, he puts his hand on the small of my back - just domineering enough that I like it - and we start down the street back towards the wine bar where his Mustang is parked. Stefan's not talking, still angry with that guy I assume but don't want to ask because my mind is hoping to use up that anger of his for a much more selfish cause. Even still, he's the epitome of cool – a slight swagger to his walk that comes with knowing that he's powerful… my lungs feel tight with anticipation when I think of how powerful he must be.

The neon yellow sign for La Catalan catches my eye and I start to really rack my brain. I don't want the night to end just yet... not unless he's planning on coming home with me and I if I know Stefan, he's going to do the gentlemanly thing and walk me to my door, then call it a night. I almost feel stupid when I smile and say "Truth or dare?" Through the multiple glasses of wine and my ever-present haze, it's the best I can come up with.

He gives me this look, maybe I'm imagining it but for the slightest of moments he's just a guy realizing that this girl he's with is doing her best to flirt – he's youthful and unsure - not an experienced 170 year old vampire.

"What happened to Twenty Questions?" Stefan's laugh is even sexy - a deep, manly chuckle. I just shrug and smile back at him. In the dim streetlights Stefan's face is shadowed in a way that makes him like he could be vicious; devious in a good kind of way that would make a girl's knees shake. "Truth, I guess."

He must have thought I wanted him to say dare, because he sounds reserved when he answers me. I'm not disappointed. I knew he would go with Truth first and was prepared. The real Elena Gilbert is just barely out of my grasp right now, I can feel her influence and it's pushing me to make the most of this night with Stefan. "What's the kinkiest thing you've ever done?"

His green eyes shine wide and a wicked smile crosses his face - looking down he pretends to be shy, somehow I know better. "Maybe I should have went with dare." He jokes.

"Too late, now Mr. Salvatore." I tease him, nonchalantly, slipping my finger through the belt loop on the back of his pants - he doesn't miss a beat putting his arm around my shoulders.

After a few steps of silence, I'm about to goad him to answer when he gives a small laugh, rubs his face with his free hand and says. "It's gotta be in the airplane."

I'm kind of disappointed - "The mile high club?" Surely, Stefan _Freaking-gorgeous_ Salvatore has something better than that.

He must be able to hear it in my voice, but my lackluster response doesn't bother him. "Not me. _You_."

I don't understand - "How can the kinkiest thing you've ever done be _me_ having sex in an airplane _without_ you?"

"Trust me, I was there." Stefan's not looking at me, his eyes are straight ahead, but I can see the dirty thoughts on his face.

"Details, please... memory loss, remember?" I hear the beep-beep of his car unlocking and look over at it feeling a bit defeated. When he opens my door, his eyes run down my body in a way that makes me rethink my current state of defeat. I cross my arms and sit against the front fender of his car. "Spill it, Salvatore." I'm not going anywhere.

Stefan seems to assess our surroundings quickly – we're basically alone less a few tipsy patrons crowding around the entrance of a club about fifty yards away, the street is dark, and besides the muffled licks of a blues guitar and the drunk laughter from the patrons, it's just us. The instant his eyes move back to me, I see exactly what I want – sexy, dark, devouring Stefan. His Roman face is confident in this sly-kind of way that almost makes me scared of what he knows he could do to me. When he closes the door to his car – I swallow hard, buzzing with some kind of electricity that runs from the back of my neck all the way to my toes.

"Did I tell you how beautiful you look tonight?" Stefan's getting in the game, hands in his pocket as he swaggers over to me. Something about him… he exudes this sexy confidence with every move of his body. I can feel that push/pull frequency revving up and my heart starts to race when he steps in front of me – his right foot between mine, "You are," he leans over, puts one hand on each side of my hips so that we're eye to eye, "so sexy."

Just like that, I've lost my edge and he's in control.

Right now, Stefan could probably get me to do just about anything. I try to keep my strong-girl guise going, hope he doesn't notice that my eyes keep looking at that mouth of his, "Don't try to change the subject..."

When his head cocks to the side and his eyes look down to my bare legs I swear I feel like I might combust. "I've always loved your face..." Those green eyes look up at me again, I think he's challenging me, seeing if I'm able to press on with my request for details, until I feel his fingertips just above my knee. I stop breathing, but don't look away from his eyes. They burn, hot and dark, somehow fueling me to let him keep moving up my skin - the line of his touch curving inward the further he moves. "you're body is amazing, Elena... but your face." I feel his leg, the one standing between my feet, move against me and slowly – achingly slow – he pushes it against my knee, spreading my legs. The rough sensation of his hand slipping between the uppermost part of my thighs makes my eyes close. "I can see everything you're feeling." He kisses the corner of my mouth and I can't move – his hand up the skirt of my dress, covered by the fabric. Frozen, every muscle in my body is aching and stiff – I get it… I don't remember what happened in the airplane, but I get it and I want it.

"I like to watch you." His fingers graze the fabric of my panties with just enough pressure that I inhale sharply and he smiles at me – proud of himself, liking my reaction to his terribly naughty touch – "see you… enjoying me." I bite my lip hard when his fingers start to move - its all pressure and rhythm, slip and friction. "You can tell me to stop." It's a challenge and a way out. I don't know how he's doing this to me – his quiet, raw voice is even caressing through me, helping to set fire to my nerves. I'm not moving but I can barely breathe!

I can't tell him to stop, I won't.

The way he's watching my face, my eyes, my mouth, it's so dirty and erotic. It's almost as corporeal as the quickening movement of his fingers against me. When I can't take it anymore of this intense gaze, I turn my face and lean into his chest – it's too much, I have to hide for moment. I can feel my brow wrinkling and lips shaking… Stefan's powerful eyes, that strange magnetic pull, what his fingers are doing to me; I need a break, just a moment to gain control before I completely lose myself. The instant I close my eyes I'm inundated with visions of our faces, like a reflection of us – standing behind me, he's got that same predator glare as he watches me. I can't get away. Everything multiplies and I have to hold onto Stefan's hand next to my hip and use my other arm to steady myself against the hood of the car. I feel like I am too close to the edge of a cliff – about to fall, my skin is too hot – then it's gone.

Stefan stands straight and crosses his arms while I look at him like he's just sucked all the oxygen from my lungs. I didn't say stop. I did not want him to stop… I shake my head, open my mouth but I still can't speak, my lungs too tight. His smile and smooth voice tells me he knows exactly what he's done to me and how frustrated I am with his stopping. "If I can't see your face then why would I continue?"

I feel cheated somehow! I haven't felt anything so intense, so acute in a very long time and I want it back, I want it all over again. I'm buzzing with want for him and with the alcohol flowing through me, but I swear I'm possessed by the electric charge that moves between us when my hand reaches out and my fingers curl beneath the waist of his pants – pulling myself to my feet. "Take me home and I'll let you see anything you want."

Looking me over, really searching my face for any signs of uncertainty, Stefan pops his neck like he does – a real sexy slight turn of his head and stiffening of his jaw. "I have a better idea."

It takes me a moment to recognize the building as I've only seen it once and it was broad daylight. Paestum Publishing looks much different with the lights off, surrounded by nightfall and empty streets. I guess I hadn't realized how close we were even though the neighborhood had the same type of colonial, old-style feel to it –brick and clapboard with colors that accent the Americana seaside. Releasing my hand from the relatively short, quick walk from outside of La Catalan's, I hear Stefan's keys jingle as he leans into the door - this is his better idea! I love it! How I feel in this moment, my arms around Stefan's waist and face against his back, kissing the warm skin under his shirt, it's amazing. Deep down, I know this is wrong to do to him – selfishly leading him on as I know he's still got feelings for me from when we dated, but I want him and I need this. Going from years of numbness, void and hollow existence to this fervent, high-wire reality - I come alive when I'm around Stefan and I want all of it I can get!

Once inside, he turns in my embrace, facing me and closing the door – pressing us against the wooden blinds and I feel myself swell with some un-titled emotion when I see his beautiful Roman face smiling at me. I like making Stefan happy, I love seeing those eyes of his shine with adoration for me. I'm eager to keep this going, to continue to feel all of these amazing, life-altering emotions and I kiss him hard, passionately, my hands fisting in his shirt.

Stefan is an amazing kisser – it's like he knows each move my lips make just before I do, reacting with the perfect counter-move. I never want this to end. I never want to not feel this kiss… it's a rush of adrenaline or a slow burn maybe. Whatever it is it's taking me over and I'm completely breathless when he has to break our kiss; the beeping of the alarm is getting faster and Stefan extends his arm across the wall – not taking his body from mine – and types in the security code.

He gives me this half smile, his eyes looking over my face and I feel his hands on my shoulders sliding up beneath my face. When he kisses me… it's like he's tasting me for the first time, soft and sensual and there's a devotion in his kiss that makes my legs weak. It makes my vision blurry even, I'm light headed and breathless when he pulls away from me – those eyes of his dark and serious. He opens his mouth to say something – I know what he's going to say and I can't hear those three words right now… right now I just want it to be Stefan and Elena who used haven't seen each other since high school. Stefan and Elena who are incredibly attracted to one another – no love, no strange supernatural story of vampires and originals and memory-loss.

I stop his words by wrapping my arms around his neck and kissing him again, hard and passionate. I don't have the ability to kiss him the way he kissed me, so this will have to do. My distraction works when I feel his hands move around my hips, down my rear end and grab the back of my thighs – lifting me, my legs wrap around his waist. It's amazing to me that he can be so attentive with his mouth on my neck and tongue on my skin, carrying me like I'm a feather. He's so strong, so talented at what he's doing to me.

We don't go far – I feel the reception desk against my legs just before he sits me down. I want him, right now – I don't want him to talk, so I begin working on his belt, then unfastening his pants. His hands leave my body just long enough for him to pull off his tie and shirt in a quick fluid movement - I'm a little caught off guard by just how beautiful he is; cut and muscular, a Greek God in the dim light shining in from the street lamps. Thankfully, Stefan's in control because I'm frozen with deep desire and appreciation of his abs and the V shape of his hips. I'm brought back to the moment when his rough hands slip beneath the fabric of my dress, pull me to the edge of the desk and slip my panties off with a quick lifting of my body.

His mouth is devouring me – my lips, my neck and chest, all the while his rough fingers are finishing what he started back at the car. I don't even recognize my own voice; the sounds of my whimpering and moaning, how I say his name in a prayerful way. I've never felt so animalistic, so salacious in my life, bending and arching with every talented, forceful flick of his wrist. When my breathing quickens to a sprint, I feel like I'm may hyperventilate. Stefan stops kissing me, his burning hot eyes watching me – I should be embarrassed with these uncontrollable moans and cries coming out of my mouth and my lips swollen from his kisses, but I'm not. It just pushes me over the edge, his hungry gaze taking me in as I finish. I swear I don't mean to but I actually say "Yes Stefan, Yes!" in some unfamiliar, throaty, croaking raw voice just as I peak in waves and fall hard.

Curling against him now, his arms move around me and pull me close as I catch my breath, inhaling him. This Stefan scent – body wash, warmth, and a unique clean Stefan smell, it's the closest thing to smelling sunshine as I've ever been. My forehead is resting against his chest and as my breathing begins to return to normal, my hands find their way to his stomach, tracing each perfectly formed muscle of his torso. I've barely found solid ground and I'm already wanting him again. Wanting him on top of me, deep inside of me. Stefan makes me feel everything and I don't want to lose that, I don't want to lose him. I kiss his chest once, nuzzle against his neck and lick his skin – he tastes clean and warm. My lips move up his neck, kiss his jaw and I hear him exhale a deep groan when I whisper, "I want you, Stefan."

Our mouths meet again and he pushes me back on the desk. His knee finds the desk top, lifting his body and he climbs over me as I break our kiss and lay back. I can't wait to have this man. I can't wait to let him have me, all of me. Stefan Salvatore is the epitome of sex, hovering over me, his hips between my legs pressing against me. There are small stacks of paper beneath me, a keyboard just next to my head, and a picture of Jennifer and what I presume is her best friend looking at us from a silver frame, but it doesn't matter- there is nothing else but Stefan and I. I run my hands through his hair as he moves down to kiss me; from my lips to my neck, back to my mouth to mute my moans when he pushes inside of me and I want to scream. It's a blissful pain, being filled by Stefan, that slowly turns into luscious pushing and pulling of heat and breathing.

I can't tell you how good he is at this, how every single movement is amazing, complete and total perfection. Each time he flexes his hips it just gets better and better. Every caress from his hand, how his fingers roughly press into my flesh, grabbing and groping in just the right places – Stefan Salvatore is a sex God. My body reacts to him in a way that is completely unintentional and unparalleled. I feel my muscles tightening, winding up again. My skin is too hot and just when I feel a thin sheen of sweat on my skin, Stefan licks my neck, sucks at my sweating skin. It's erotic and lascivious – so lewd and lustful that it nearly pushes me over for a second time.

I can feel it coming, my breathing getting all out of rhythm again.

"I love you" _He loves me_, I like the sound of that – I want to be loved by a man like him – I want to be loved by Stefan.

When he kisses below my ear and says it again, "I love you", Stefan's whispery groan makes me dizzy – really and truly dizzy. I'm suddenly nauseated and my head is taken over by a vice grip squeezing every nerve around my brain. I know it's the wrong time to pray, but I really don't want to have to stop this. I've been numb for so long and right now I can feel my entire heart, my whole soul… but the migraine is taking over and knocking me out of synch with Stefan. I try to play it off, but suddenly everything is just wrong. My conscience is telling me I shouldn't be here. I should be with Matt. I should be in Virginia.

I should not - can not. love. Stefan.

I really _really_ try but it's futile - when Stefan stops, looks me in the eyes as he brushes my hair back with his hands, he knows something is wrong. His green, beautiful eyes falling from a fiery burn to worry. "Elena?"

Turning my face from him, I just want to cry. He must think he's done something wrong because he swiftly removes himself from me, from the top of the desk. Still flat on my back, the cloudiness of my migraine moving in strong, I cover my face with both hands and sob into my palms as quietly as I can.

I don't know how much time I spend like that – crying and wishing to God I wasn't so broken. What happened…? I'm going crazy. I'm literally losing my mind… nearly completely numb, out of tears, exhausted when my sobbing finally stops.

Sitting up, I find Stefan sitting against the wall, still shirtless, legs bent and elbows resting on top of his knees, his head hanging between his biceps. It scares me when I realize I've broken him too. Immortal, unbreakable, strong Stefan… when he hears me sit up, the rustling of my dress and the papers on the desk, he looks up at me; he's destroyed.

"Will you take me home?" I don't know why I ask. I know he will. He's not the kind of guy to abandon a girl.

Stefan nods, pushes himself up the wall with his legs. Everything is so awkward now – Stefan buttoning his shirt, me picking my red underwear up off of the floor. Luckily I barely feel it, I barely feel anything.

I just want to get away from him.

The walk back to his car is quick. Though he offered me is jacket, I can't stand the thought of having it around me and just shook my head no, then took off. Stefan stayed close behind me the whole way, unlocked the door and I got in without him doing the whole car door opening and closing 'I'm a gentleman' thing he does. If I knew where in the hell I was I'd just walk home without him. Every second I have to spend with him just makes me feel worse… I can see how hurt he is and I hate myself for it.

There's no music and not a word between us on the drive to my apartment. When he pulls up at the curb I see his lips start to move out of the corner of my eye, hear him inhale to say something, so I open the door before the car has come to a complete stop and hop out. I have to get away from him. I need to get away from Stefan - but I have no idea why…

I hear him call my name just as the car door shuts and keep walking, hoping he's not following me. When I make it to the elevator I'm relieved to turn around and see that his car is pulling away. The moment the red taillights of his mustang disappear I bury my face in my hands and cry. Beginning to feel sick from the wine and sick from my shattered brain, I forget to push a floor button and stand there in the elevator as I fall apart. I'm so alone. I'm numb and alone and the only person that's ever parted the haze in my mind has just drove off.

I consider calling him – text him that I'm sorry and I want him to come over. I want to talk to him like we did back in high school… before he had these expectations of me and I had clear eyes and a whole brain. Just as I'm about to take my phone from my red satin clutch, the doors of the elevator open and I look up, surprised, at the guy that called me Emily.


	5. Chapter 5

**Chapter 5 – The Broken**

ELENA's POV

My head is aching from last nights binge and today's regret for not texting Stefan back as soon as I got his text this morning. It's just that I can't talk to him right now, not after how I acted last night. I keep looking at the clock on my cellphone without meaning to, it's just that this guy is obnoxious and for some reason, my orange cranberry muffin just doesn't taste the same when I can't look at Stefan while eating it. Last night, when Blake walked into the elevator I was crying in, he tried to get me to go to his apartment with him – apparently we're basically neighbors – who asks a strange girl bawling in an elevator to go back to their apartment? But then again, who goes to brunch with a guy who's dumb enough to piss off a vampire? Me – that's who!

One of the many signs that I've just about lost my mind.

Blake just kept pressing _– come on up to my apartment, come see my view, I have some wine we could share, let's go out for a late dinner_ – it was a combination of being worn down by his persistence and a nagging bit of curiosity that led me to agree to this mid-morning date. Granted, Stefan is absolutely gorgeous and no girl in their right mind would not be attracted to him, but I can't shake the feeling that maybe I'm so bothered by his good looks and chivalrous manors because it's been years since I've really given anyone other than Matt the time of day. Hence, the Blake Townley experiment.

I agreed to meet Blake here because I knew it was safe and if Stefan has some problem with this guy, I kind of figure I should at least be careful. Though he'd suggested breakfast and coffee, I traded off for brunch since Stefan says he usually comes around after his run – by my calculations, Stefan is probably post-run/post-shower and doing whatever it is a 170 year old vampire does on a Sunday with his girlfriend out of town and he's in an argument with the human he loves…

"…Elena?" When I hear Blake say my name I'm ripped away from daydreaming about Stefan and hot showers, and that sexy, proud of himself, half-smile he had on his face when he was watching me 'enjoying' him. When my eyes focus on Blake's face he continues, not really bothered by the fact that I'm obviously not interested in his rowing championship. "It's pretty amazing really; I'll take you up to see it if you like."

I nod with a smile, give a light-hearted hum. I have no idea what I've just semi-agreed to go see but my response seems to do it and Blake continues talking about himself.

11:41am – We've been here for over half an hour and all Blake has asked about me is how I know Stefan.

The Blake Townley Experiment is coming out to be pretty heavily weighted on Stefan's side. Blake is very good looking, really he's kind of hot Bradley Cooper-ish, but once he started talking and our conversation fell flat within minutes, I had to chalk up yet another point to the Stefan-side. Even in my interview, talking with Stefan was easy and relaxed. Our conversations each time I've been with him, even back in high school, have always been organic and fun. Don't get me wrong, Stefan and I disagree on plenty of things, but that's one of the reasons I've always enjoyed talking with him – he's got an interesting point of view to share as well as open mind to the ideas of others.

I think what I'm finding the most odd, is that thought I do find Blake very attractive – less so with each minute I spend with him – there is zero of that push/pull feeling, none. The moment my eyes landed on Stefan in the conference room at Paestum Publishing I felt it. I felt it over the phone when I was preparing to move to Wilmington. Though it's been at varying degrees during our interactions, each and every moment I've had with Stefan has been laced with this vibrant invisible current that I've never felt before, but somehow had been missing without even knowing it.

While laying in bed last night fighting a very strong bout of insomnia, surrounded by boxes needing to be unpacked and my belongings haphazardly scattered throughout my apartment, I decided that current was just lust. A deep, carnal, you are a Greek God and I must have you kind of lust. I mean, what else could it be? It will be interesting to see if it's still evident now that I've settled that urge… settled is the wrong word for an orgasm that has left my entire body sore from contracting muscles I'd forgot I even had! Even my calves hurt… each ache a sweet reminder.

Maybe that migraine that turned me into an immature idiot was my brains self-preservation technique to keep me from breaking into pieces from a second Stefan Salvatore induced crescendo.

I wonder what he's doing today… I give Blake another minute or so to talk about himself before I decide that my concerns about my intense attraction to Stefan being caused by my lack of experience with other guys is ridiculous.

Blake doesn't even realize that I'm texting Bonnie under the table… this guy… ugh.  
Elena: Call me right now! HURRY

I flip the ringer button to on and pray Bonnie gets my message soon.

"My grandparents own a large estate in the Hampton's, we spend most summers there. I'm actually headed up next weekend. Have you been to the Hamptons?" Blake loves the sound of his voice, talking talking talking – not even letting me answer his question. "It's beautiful, really something to see. You'd love it there, I'm sure. You look like a woman who likes nice things and expensive dinners." I'm about to say No, I prefer to stay in and have take out on my empty apartment floor, but he keeps up his pace. "I dated Alyse Zwick, Miss New York oh'nine, and we'd go up on the weekends. Lay out, drink wine, just have a nice, relaxing time with the fellow elite of New York, ya know."

My phone rings and I pretend to be startled, give Blake a 'I have no idea what this is about' shrug and answer. "Hey, Bon, what's up? How's Allie?"

Bonnie sounds a little frantic and I feel bad for scaring her. "Elena, what's wrong? I got your text message. Is everything okay? Are you alright?"

"No, I'm not terribly busy, just having lunch with a friend." I say lightly.

We're both quiet for a long moment. I can almost see Bonnie's furrowed brow and slightly crooked pursed lips relaxing into a smile. I hear Jeremy's voice in the background asking if I am okay just before Bonnie sighs, "Am I getting you out of a date-gone-bad situation?"

"Yea, sure. Absolutely!" I smile at Blake and give him my best sad eyes while Bonnie laughs in my ear. "It's almost noon, so I guess I'd better get on my way then."

Blake pulls out his wallet, he's got the idea – this brunch is over and will never happen again. I need to find Stefan and figure out some way to apologize to him for ignoring his text and hurting him last night.

STEFAN's POV

"Hey Stef, the usual?"

"Yea, but make it two." I hand my debit card to Travis, the barista at my favorite coffee shop, then check my phone again. Elena still hasn't texted me back and I can't say I blame her. I shouldn't have done what I did; I shouldn't have let last night go so far… way too far. I'm weak when it comes to Elena.

Travis sits my debit card and receipt on the counter, "Late start today?"

I just laugh with a nod.

He's right, I'm usually through here by seven in the morning, but I drove around for a couple of hours after I dropped Elena off. Listening to some John Mayer CD of Caroline's, I just couldn't go home holding on to the tiny bit of hope that Elena might call me and tell me to come over, tell me she wanted to talk… a call that never came mind you. Once I got up this morning and got my six miles in – my cravings were quite strong this morning so I ran a couple extra miles to wear myself down – I hunted, then took a shower. It's almost noon now and I'm hoping a peace offering of coffee and muffins will help break the ice when I get to Elena's.

"You should try the Cinnamon Dolce Frap." Blake Townley's voice just goes all over me. I don't know what it is about this guy that makes me want to forget all of my respect for the human race and rip him into pieces.

I turn from the counter to face him and he's got that grin on his face that I loathe – like he's smiling down at his lowly peasants. "I don't really care for girly drinks, Blake."

He shrugs, makes this intolerable face with his eyebrows raised and lips pushed out. "I just thought since we have such similar taste in women, you might want to try it."

I hear Travis opening the paper bag for my muffins so I decide to just let Blake slide. "Yea, maybe." Taking my phone out of my pocket to distract me, I'm caught off guard when I feel that gravity, hear her voice.

"Ok, so I guess I'll see you... later….. Blake" Elena's speech slows as she registers that I'm leaning against the counter top, watching her walk from the ladies room. I look at her, then to Blake with that shit-eating grin, then back to her – feel my gums begin to ache. "Stefan."

I take in a deep breath – I know I'm glaring at her. I know that I must look like I'm about to explode, because I am. In most circumstances, I am not a jealous guy – it's just this guy and Elena and last night - I feel the blood rushing to my eyes, the ringing in my ears, the rage flowing through me with the speed of light setting my muscles on fire. I can't move… if I move I will kill him.

"Hmm, I take it you didn't know that Elena and I met up last night? Burn." Blake gives a little laugh, slips his arm around my wife's shoulders and that's it. That's all I can take.

Somehow, my fangs have not escaped my gums, my eyes are not crimson, but that sweet, red-hot burning tar feeling is all over me and I swear to God there is nothing that will stop me from breaking every bone in his body when I stand straight from leaning on the counter.

"Stefan." Elena steps out of Blake's embrace, in front of him. Blake has figured out that I've lost all rational thought and he's taken a step or two back – no more grin, just a look of fear that is feeding me, goading me to continue. I keep moving towards him, I'm going to kill him. My mind is running wild – here is my wife having breakfast with this asshole… what does that mean? Did she spend the night with him? My mind is flooded with the stories he told me while following me around in the gym last winter – about the women he's been with and how he treats them, degrades them… I'm going to kill him.

I walk directly into Elena as she's trying to protect that prick – I look down at her, see that sharpness in her eyes, "Move." It's almost a growl more than a tone.

"No, Stefan." Elena doesn't back down. Her voice is strong and clear. It weakens my resolve a bit but I don't want to let this go.

"Elena. Move." We stand like that for a long moment – staring each other down, seeing which one of us will give first. Maybe it's the smell of her shampoo or the sharpness in her eyes or that gravity is sucking away the strength of the monster that lives inside of me, but by the time Travis calls to me and asks if everything is alright, I've pretty much lost my dedication for killing Blake. Running my tongue across my top teeth to ensure my fangs are hidden, I give Blake one last look as he cowers against the wall and trashcan before turning for the counter.

"You good, man?" Travis asks, nodding to Blake – I'll remember this, Travis offering to have my back as he thinks I'm just a human guy about to throw down with another human.

I nod, then look down at my order – two black coffees and two orange cranberry muffins. God this is embarrassing… here I am buying Elena breakfast while she's out on a date with another guy. "I only ordered one coffee."

Travis and I share a look for a moment, then I see his eyes look over my shoulder to where Elena and Blake are still standing, observing. When our eyes meet again, I know he gets it. "Sorry man, you're right. I'll credit you one, ok?"

"Fine." I should be nicer, he's just covered for me but I'm burning with rage and hurt and jealousy and humiliation and I just want to get out of here. Grabbing one coffee and the paper bag with two muffins I quickly leave the counter and exit the store.

'''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''

ELENA's POV

Today has been wonderful! My first day as co-editor and I've had an amazing experience! Pepper cleaned out her office over the weekend and when I got in this morning, Robert took me for a quick tour then led me to my office where I had a box full of manuscripts to start on. The first half of my day I spent getting my Mac set up the way I wanted it, setting up my company email, then emailing Bonnie, Jeremy, and Matt to show them my email signature! I feel like a little girl at Christmas!

When lunch rolled around and I realized that I got all dressed up extra-office appropriate sexy with plans of seeing Stefan for nothing, I deflated a bit. Nonchalantly, I asked Jennifer if Stefan normally worked on Monday's and she gave me a goofy smile and said "He called in for a vacation day."

I ate my packed lunch of chicken salad and crackers at my desk while starting my first manuscript – it's about a magic boy with the ability to see ghosts. I guess it reminded me too much of Jeremy because I just couldn't commit my attention to it. It's almost five and I'm only forty pages in…

"Hey, I'm heading out." Jennifer smiles as she pokes her head into my office, "come on out here and I'll show you how to set the alarm so you can lock up."

Every time I walk past her desk I have to suppress a smile… "Just hit this button, then type in 1-9-9-0, then the red 'alarm' set. Got it?"

I nod, "Yep. Are you sure it's okay if I stay?" Jennifer has moved back to her desk and is rearranging some papers.

"It's totally fine. You're the co-editor now, you can come and go as you please, ya know." I smile, I am the co-editor! "Those damn cleaning people were like really clumsy with my desk this weekend. I got in this morning and my papers were all over the floor, so you might want to put away your stuff before you leave."

I hope she doesn't notice me blush…

"I will. Thanks for the heads up." I start back to my office as I can feel my face getting more and more red when Jennifer calls my name.

"Can I ask you a question? Woman to woman?"

I frown a bit, not sure where this is going. We've spoke maybe three times all day and now we're going to have a heart to heart. "Sure."

Jennifer bends, reaches into her recycling bin, then holds a newspaper out to me when she stands straight. "How did you do that?" Confused, I continue to look at her large teal eyes and red lipped face for a moment longer before taking the newspaper. Unfolding it, I'm shocked, taken aback… Stefan and I look so beautiful together.

My cheeks hurt from the large smile that takes over my face as I look over the black and white photo of us on the cover of the Wilmington Star News. The caption reads "Literacy Fundraiser a romantic mid-summer nights dream." The moment captured by this photograph wasn't really romantic… but wow, the way Stefan's hands are gently cupping my face, how I'm gazing up at him, I even have one leg slightly bent with my heel just off the ground. "Seriously? I've tried to get him to go out with me like fifty times and you pick him up on your first weekend in town…"

I laugh – Stefan Salvatore has never been short on female admirers. "I've known him since high school, Jennifer." Trying to roll my eyes like this is nothing, this picture of us backlit and holding each other like we're in love – I know my feeble attempt of chagrin is pitiful. Stefan and I look like the perfect, storybook couple… I'm the damsel, he's my knight. "He has a girlfriend." I try adding that to make a bigger impact.

Thankfully, Jennifer doesn't push it too much further – just gives me an 'atta'girl' kind of smile before she leaves me to stare at this photograph on my own. Once she's gone, I lock the door – leaving the alarm for later – then start back to my office, elated.

Passing Stefan's closed door, I have the idea of leaving this newspaper for him on his desk. I've tried texting him and though he doesn't ignore me, his responses have been short and to the point.

My 'Everything ok?' was met with 'Fine, u?'

When I sent 'I'm sorry.' he responded with, 'nothing to apologize for.'

I knew better than to go on that date with Blake – that's why I tried to set it up at a time when I thought I could go about it secretly…

This picture of us is so amazing – it's beautiful and sweet – he'll love it. Still staring at the closed door of his office, I decide that if the door is unlocked, then I'll do it, but if it's locked I'll just go on even though I have a master key.

Placing my hand on the brushed copper handle, I'm kind of shocked by how badly I want it to be open – I sigh with relief when the handle moves to it's full capacity and the door opens with a click.

Though his office is the same size as mine, I'm overwhelmed by the feeling of Stefan that it holds – from the walls lined with dark wood bookshelves, covered from floor to ceiling in original copy hard back books, to the clean and organized desktop, even the slight smell of him… it's like being hugged by his persona.

My initial urge is to snoop around, see what books he feels are worthy enough to be in his office for reference at a moment's notice, but I shake the thought from my head and move to his desk with the sole purpose of putting the newspaper on his seat. I don't know why, but I run my fingers over the keyboard… imagining his fingertips touching the keys. His saddle brown leather chair looks so comfortable… _may as well sit in it for a moment, I might want to get one like this_…

_Mmm it smells like him_…

I feel like a criminal, kicking off my heels and curling into his seat just before spinning it around once – wondering what it would be like to watch Stefan working, reading – Only Stefan could make reading look sexy.

On my second spin of the chair I catch sight of blond hair and grab hold of the desk top to stop the spin. I quickly hop out of the chair and move to the book shelf to get a better look at the framed picture.

Ouch… why does it make my stomach ache so badly to see he has a picture of Caroline standing in front of one of those green state signs on the side of the road – She's as beautiful as I remember; blonde and bright and sunny, smiling and using her hands to frame the road sign that says CAROLINE COUNTY, MD like a Price is Right model. WOW. I don't know if I've ever felt true, raw jealousy before… I want Stefan to have a picture of me in his office. I want Stefan to take me to find a road sign with my name on it…

Jealousy wearing through my resolve not to snoop, I let my eyes scan through the shelves – I spot another picture and move to it. I can't place the girls in the photo, but I swear I recognize them from somewhere. At first I thought he had a picture of Angelina Jolie and a young, pretty little girl, but getting a closer look I see that the Angelina Jolie look alike is probably even prettier than the real one. Still, I know them… from somewhere. Trying to push through my muddled and broken memories, all I can really pick up is some kind of field and a disco floor. The combination is weird enough that I decide it can't be anything related to these two girls and take the photo off of the shelf with the odd chance that maybe the back of the photo will have their names written on it.

As I'm taking the black, wooden frame apart, I notice his shelf has basically no dust on it and laugh to myself – wonder if he may be a little OCD as his office is perfectly organized and dusted. Finally able to pull the photo from the backing I'm thrilled to see a handwritten note in blue ink:

_Stefan,  
I found this photo you took of us at Palazzo Reale and thought you would like it. Don't worry about me, just live your life as Lindsey would have wanted you to. Love to Elena and Bambina! – Gia_

I read it over and over – Lindsey, Bambina, and Gia – I can't be certain but I swear the picture is of Lindsey and Gia. I don't know how I know this, or why I feel terribly sad when I look at their smiling faces now that I've read the note. Bambina… that name doesn't ring a bell at all, nothing comes to mind.

After reading the note so many times that I can recite it from memory, I start to put the picture back when out of the corner of my eye I see a few leather bound books with what I somehow recognize as Stefan's handwriting on the spine – moving to get a better look, I run my fingers across them… they're his journals.

The realization makes me stand straight, brings my hands to my sides even though my eyes are begging to read them. I tell myself that I can't do that – I can't invade his privacy like that. I would die if anyone read my journals… I can't do this to him. But then again, I don't think Stefan would mind if I just look at the old stuff… it will help with my memory…

When my hand leaves my side and pulls the book covering my junior year out of the collection, I push away the voice telling me this is wrong and sit on the floor. As a way to make myself feel a bit less guilty, I only read snippets from his journal entries

…_..She's beautiful – inside and out. After we stayed up til nearly dawn talking, I've slipped and there's no way to be redeemed… I love her. Elena's voice relaxes me the moment I hear her speak – it's like I have no craving, no vampire urges... the monster that lives inside the deepest and darkest parts of me is not existent in her presence. I have to remind myself that she's only seventeen, that I can't push my desires on her as she's so young, but I don't know how long I can go without kissing her…._

…_.. Damon attacked Elena's friend, Vicky. He actually tried to make me feed off of her! What's his angle, what's he playing at? I don't know what I am going to do short of staking my own brother. I cannot allow him to come into Mystic Falls and ruin these people's lives, Elena's life. She's had a hard enough time with losing her mother and father, I won't allow this. If I have to, I'll stake him…._

…_.She kissed me or I kissed her – we kissed each other and she has no idea how that one kiss beneath the light of the comet has saved me…._

…_. Elena is terrified of me. I would never hurt her, nothing could ever make me hurt her, but I am a vampire and she wants nothing to do with me. I tried. I told her everything, gave her my entire back story, less the gory details that even I have trouble remembering. I should leave town, I will leave town. I can't be this near to her and not love her…._

STEFAN's POV

After spending the entire day at Wrightsville Beach, taking advantage of the swell from the tropical storm hitting the eastern side of Florida, I'm exhausted – I mean really tired and it feels good to be so sore, a little numb. North Carolina doesn't get much surfing action unless there's some kind of hurricane on its way so when I get the chance to surf, I do. I wasn't going go to work today anyhow – Elena needed to get through her first day without me around to distract her and I don't know, maybe I'm just not ready to see her. I'm not mad about her lunch with Blake – I wasn't mad at her when I saw her really, just hurt and embarrassed and I really hate that guy.

I have a teleconference in the morning and need to pick up one of the manuscripts that I haven't looked over yet – it's already eight o clock, nearly dark, so I'm not surprised that everyone's already gone when I unlock the door to the lobby. Jennifer must have left without setting the alarm because it doesn't start it's warning beeps. When my eyes land on Jennifer's desktop, I smile to myself – I mean it ended up pretty horrible, but while it lasted, it was amazing. I can almost taste her lips, letting my memory play on, when I hear the faint sound of music coming from down the hall way.

ELENA's POV

Its like reading a romance novel… the way Stefan loves me, the danger, the mythology, the vampires and werewolves and witches. I quit reading just snippets after a few pages and haven't skipped a word, reading each sentence slowly as I can see everything he's describing just like it's a memory. I've been in his office, reading though Stefan's most private thoughts for a couple of hours – the sun is nearly set – but I can't tear myself away from this play-by-play of the life I've lost. I put my phone in his Ipod dock and Pandora radio is keeping me company as I learn of all the hell he's been through, I've been through…

…_. Klaus came for her. There was nothing I could do. I cannot fight him, I cannot defeat him no matter how hard I fight for her. Klaus is an original and by default is ten times stronger than I am, but that doesn't change the fact that I feel like I'm dying after letting her leave with him. We spent the day hiking; after Damon forced her to drink his blood, Elena was terrified of becoming a vampire… more so than dying. I can't blame her – death must be easier than having to watch each and every person you love die while you live on forever, an eternal monster. All I can do is pray that Bonnie's spell works and when she wakes after Klaus' ritual, she can go on living as a human. When she left with him, she kissed me goodbye – I can't tell you how that broke me. I've never felt such pain in all of my days… I cannot lose her. I can't lose Elena, she's my savior. I've lost the only thing that's kept me alive. I'm lost, I've failed…_

"What are you doing?" Stefan's voice hits me just about the same time as that intense current squeezes my lungs. Though I immediately feel like I've been caught stealing, his voice is calm; he's not accusing, just asking – surely he can see what I'm doing – sitting here reading his journal and listening to The Scientist like I'm some kind of teenager hiding out in her room.

When I turn to look at him, I'm breathless – he's so beautiful with his hair a sexy, damp mess and wearing navy blue swim trunks and a white v-neck with sunglasses hanging on the collar. I swear he fell out of an Abercrombie & Fitch catalog and into that doorway. The frequency of the push/pull current between us increases dramatically when my eyes _finally_ make it up his body and find his burning green gaze.

We stare at each other for a long moment – all of his words, how much he loves me, it's all running through my brain and God I want to love him too, I want him to love me like his journal says he does.

Awkwardly, we speak at the same time – the same words, "I'm sorry."

I'm sorry for reading his journals, for that stupid date with Blake, for leading him on after the fundraiser, for being such a screw up now, for whatever it is that happened that ended us…

Again, our words are exactly the same, in unison, "This is my fault."

We laugh – as weird as that was, it's helping to ease down the current between us and honestly, it was so strong at first that it made it difficult for me to think. Before he can start, I speak. "I went out with Blake because I wanted to see if maybe I was reading more into this, what I feel when I'm with you. I've been with Matt for as long as I can remember and honestly, I wondered if maybe I was just overreacting to having a new guy around."

Stefan waits a moment, makes sure I'm not going to speak again – I like how he does that, lets me speak, really listens to me – there's no one else who's ever valued my words like Stefan does. "Are you?"

I don't have to think about it, I shake my head no. I think I see his neck and shoulders relax a bit and I smile when he smiles – so beautiful. Finally entering his office, he moves to his desk and sits against the desk top, crossing his legs at the ankles – I'm surprised to see him in flip flops; he has nice, clean feet. "I am so sorry about Saturday night, Stefan."

"I shouldn't have pushed you like that, I just…" He rubs his forehead roughly with his hand, crosses his arms over his chest; he has nice arms. "I don't know, Elena, it's really hard for me… to be around you."

He looks hurt, those green eyes of his somehow sad and injured. I sit his journal down and stand. "_I_ pushed _you_. I shouldn't have used you like I did. I knew you had feelings for me. When I'm around you its like I come alive." I shrug, I can't explain it really. "I have felt so numb and hollow for so many years and then I see you and I feel this… this-" I can't think of the word to explain the push/pull current.

"Gravity." Stefan offers. I'm shocked. It's a perfect description… _gravity_.

"You feel it too?"

He nods, his teeth taking hold of his upper lip as I step towards him – our gravity really pulling at me now.

"Every time I'm with you, even hear your voice on the phone, it just surrounds me and consumes me and I'm no longer numb. I can feel – I can feel happiness and sadness and fear and joy – I laugh when I'm with you… I can actually feel that you love me - you have no idea how that makes me." I step towards him again – it's like he knows that I need to feel him, have his arms around me –he uncrosses his arms and I walk into his embrace.

Our bodies fit together like a puzzle; I melt into him and feel safe. I love the way his hand rests on the back of my neck, his fingers gently moving in my hair. I inhale him, breath him into me and wish I could remember loving him the way I know I must have. How could I not love this man with his telling green eyes and gentle hands. "I love you, Stefan." The words feel so foreign to my lips.

I feel him tense beneath me – I want to love him, I want to so badly…

Stefan's hands move to my elbows, pulling my arms from around his neck as he says, "Elena please don't do that." His voice is broken. "Don't say that to me."

I frown at him, act like I don't understand what he means… somehow he knows that I'm only saying that I love him because I love that he loves me – he deserves to be loved. "I just, I…" I feel my lips start to shake and my eyes tear up… I want to love him.

I lean into his hand when he touches my face, his fingers moving into my hair – "Do you feel that?" He takes my hand and presses it hard against his chest, right over his heart. It's beating fast and very hard, pounding against the palm of my hand in a quick unforgiving pace. "You own me, Elena."

The sound of those words gives me chills, "I'll love you until the day I die whether or not you ever love me again. Do you understand?" God his eyes are so honest and warm and so green. "You owe me nothing –you're not in debt to me in anyway. You loved me just as fiercely as I love you… I am so thankful for you, Elena" His eyes are glittering from the tears pooling up around his lashes – I want to love him. _Please let me love him_… "Every day, Elena, I thank God for you."

I can't take it anymore, his love and his eyes and his face and his voice… I fall into him again.  
I want to love him… I just don't.

(MORE TO COME – Follow me IChooseStefan & please feel free to leave a review or tweet me with comments/questions!)


	6. Chapter 6

**CHAPTER 6 – THE BROKEN**

_Tuesday and Wednesday have pretty much flown by – it's nearly two in the afternoon on Thursday and I have to say, I'm pretty impressed by the amount of business Paestum Publishing handles. If I'm not on a conference call with authors, negotiating printing prices, working out contracts for online publishing, or going through business goal meetings with Robert, Stefan, and Jennifer, then I'm at my desk nose deep into one of the many manuscripts assigned to me. Before I started, Stefan and Pepper would split the manuscripts down the middle – Stefan taking the even numbered ones and Pepper the odd. I'm sure he was just trying to keep me from feeling overwhelmed when he offered to take on more than half, but to be honest; I haven't felt this good in a very long time. _

_I enjoy having so much work to do – spending hours and hours dissecting and editing and rearranging. For the most part, I only see him at work during meetings or if we happen to be getting coffee at the same time – I get this secret thrill seeing Stefan in this environment, all confident and professional. We've spent every evening together since our talk on Monday night and it's been very light-hearted and easy. He makes me laugh and has been a huge help with getting my apartment unpacked. Not to mention, the fact that he's over 6 feet tall was a major plus when painting Allie's room. Even after I flat out told him that I want to try just being friends, he jumped at the chance to help! Really, Stefan Salvatore is .guy… with a very naughty side. _

_Yes, I told him I wanted to try being friends – mainly because I cannot live up to the Elena he knew back then and trust me, he thinks pretty highly of her – but that doesn't mean we can't flirt! It's mainly just been playful and fun, a lot of me giggling and him grinning. An inside joke between the two of us, an unnecessary touch here or a well-placed bend-over-and-pick-up-something-I-meant-to-drop there – I like having his eyes on me... I like being the center of attention when it comes to Stefan. Being able to talk and flirt and just be silly with him has really helped me to clear my head… I even went running with him yesterday morning (not going to do that again… I'm horrible!). I can honestly say I think I'm slowly but surely getting back to my old self…_

_During our heart to heart Monday night, after I got all the serious stuff off of my chest – the expectations that I can't reach, the fact that I'm scared to find out all the things I've forgot, how I'm seriously so angry with Bonnie, Jeremy, and Matt – I let it slip that I found a paperclip stuck to my butt cheek when I took a shower after our 'indecent rendezvous' on Jennifer's desk. It's nice that we can laugh about that already – see what I mean, with Stefan, things are just easy._

_But as sweet and nice as Stefan is, he has got a wicked side to him that makes my heart race! During today's morning meeting while Robert was conferencing with a printing company in New Jersey, I was doodling on my notepad and thinking about going to pick up Allie this weekend – just kind of zoned out - when I felt his eyes on me. I know that sounds weird, feeling someone's gaze, but if you've ever had a man like Stefan Salvatore look at you the way he looks at me, then you understand… anyway, I look up and across the table, meet his eyes and the air was basically sucked from my lungs. That man… wow he's gorgeous. There he was staring at me with that hungry, half-smile and burning green eyes – using his middle finger to drag a paperclip in small, smooth circles on the table top! _

_I've never thought of myself as the type of girl that would ever want to climb across a conference table – but at that moment, I was willing to do just about anything to get to him. I had to actually get up and leave the room… that's how badly I wanted Stefan. Standing in the ladies room trying to catch my breath, I let go of the whole friend's idea. I mean who am I kidding – asking me to just be friends with Stefan is about like asking the Earth not to spin… blame it on the gravity._

_When I went by his office a minute ago I could hear him on the phone, so I'll try him again in a bit – he and I need to have another talk._

_Speaking of, I have got to figure out what I'm going to do about the gang of liars in Virginia. Matt picked up Allie from Bonnie and Jeremy on Monday so I have been ignoring Bonnie's calls and I only talk with Matt to make sure Allie's doing okay. I'm going to talk to Stefan tonight, get the full story – decide if I can try a real relationship with him once I have all the details as I have a sinking suspicion that he compelled me to forget him… he must have done something terrible to me and that's why Bonnie seems to hate him – now that I think about it, he was surprised when I remembered he bit me and didn't think it was the time I let him drink my blood for strength, so maybe that's what happened? I don't know, that just doesn't sound right… anyway, once I get the full story that's when I'm going to confront Bonnie, Jeremy, and Matt. I'm supposed to go to Charlottesville on Saturday to pick up Allie… no reason to keep putting off the inevitable. My greatest concern is that after it's all laid out on the table, am I going to be able to continue on being friends with any of them like noth-_

The sound of Stefan's office door opening quickly broke Elena's concentration and she looked up from her journal just as Stefan walked by her door with long, fast strides. She didn't get a good look at his face, but from the speed of his walk she could tell something wasn't right and called out to him.

"Elena's calling for you, Stef." Elena heard Jennifer relay, but when the wooden blinds crashed against the closing door in the lobby, Elena knew he was already gone.

Standing for no reason really, just suddenly overwhelmed with a quick rush of adrenaline, maybe even a little fear, Elena's mind ran quickly through all of the worst case scenarios – from his journal entries she pictured tomb vampires, Katherine, Klaus, Elijah…

The buzzing of her cell breaking her away from her daze – seeing his name on the screen relaxed her a bit.

"Where'd you go?" Elena didn't want to sound worried or upset, but there was no covering it – her voice gave it all away.

Stefan however sounded cool – too calm even, "Something's going on at my apartment - don't worry, it's nothing."

Elena held the phone for a moment, quietly wondering why his voice sounded off; "Stefan… if something is wrong, just tell me. I can handle it."

When he gave his forced laugh, Elena was sure something was wrong, "If you were in any kind of danger, I swear I'd tell you, but it's nothing. Just something I need to take care of. I'll call you later on."

"Aren't you coming over tonight?" She knew she sounded like an insolent girlfriend, but they'd spent every evening together other than Sunday…

He sighed heavily, "I hope so. I just don't know if I'm going to be able to get away - I'll call you and let you know."

Rolling her eyes, annoyed by his evasiveness, she knew there was no reason to keep pushing as she was getting nowhere. Still, she couldn't shake the worry creeping through her nerves, "Okay. I guess. Just… be careful, or…"

"I swear, Elena." Stefan laughed, "There is nothing to be worried about. Trust me, it's nothing."

Elena was about to ask him why he was being so secretive about it if it was nothing – why he rushed out of the office without so much as a "see ya later", when Jennifer interrupted her train of thought by stranding in her doorway with a group of smiling people next to her.

Jennifer bounced up and down in her purple wedges, barely keeping her voice from a yell, "ELENA! OH MY GOD YOU WON A NEW CAR!"

ELENA's POV

I love my new Explorer – it's amazing! I mean, I loved my old Explorer too, but I've had it since I was seventeen and it had like 170,000 miles on it!

I've never owned a new vehicle before! It's so exciting to be the first person to drive it, to be the first person to put miles on the odometer! I should have known something was up with all the "how's your Ford running? Does it ever give you trouble?" questions from Stefan. Then basically running out of the office just before the dealership showed up to surprise me – I feel kind of silly for being so worried. I'm fully aware that I only won this SUV thanks to Stefan's compelling someone involved with the contest because I haven't entered my name into any sweepstakes – he's so sweet! I mean, it's wrong but still… so sweet!

Taking one last look at my hair and touching up my lip gloss, I grab the canvas bags full of what I need to make Stefan a thank you dinner and head up to his apartment. I've never been here before, but Jennifer pulled up his contact information for me. I can't wait to see him, to see his apartment and be enveloped in a bubble of Stefan.

When I step off of the elevator and see his apartment door - #1102 – I remind myself that I don't have to call before I show up. This is a surprise 'you're awesome and I really want to make out with you' dinner – besides, he came over to my apartment without giving me a heads up.

My heart is pounding now that I'm actually standing in front of his door – there's no doorbell, so I knock, then use my hands to straighten out the fabric of my sundress, the white and green one that I wore to shop for a dress for the gala. I know he really liked the way I looked in it, I even paid extra attention to straightening my hair after my shower because I know he likes it best straight.

Tonight is going to be epic.

Stefan opens the door and I hold up my new keys, jingling them as I do a silly little hip-wiggle dance thing and say "Guess who won a brand new Ford Explorer!"

I don't get the words out of my mouth before I recognize the look on his face – his lips are red, most likely from how he bites at them, I can tell by how his hair is in a mess that he's been running his hands through it like he does when he's worried, and those telling green eyes are troubled - he's really upset. Not mad or angry, or hurt – just upset. We share a look for moment as my smile fades and I try to figure out why my beautiful Stefan is frowning at me. Just as I open my mouth to ask what's the matter, he pushes the door open the rest of the way – letting it swing away from his hand.

Caroline, his girlfriend.

She hasn't changed at all – still beautiful and sunny, dressed in a pair of dark skinny jeans and a loose fitting pink and white striped top. Last I can remember she was wearing her hair in wide spiral curls, but it's more of a light wave now. Though Caroline is smiling at me with hey eyebrows raised and shoulders slightly hunched, obviously excited to see me, I'm scared. I hear Bonnie's voice in my head _She's basically an Original._ Then Matt's _if you ever see Caroline you've got to get away from her… get somewhere safe, really populated._

As Caroline's happy face begins to change to a more confused expression, I feel Stefan's hand take mine. "She's not going to hurt you." I move my eyes to him, too scared to move anything else. I can tell that he really believes that – that Caroline won't hurt me – and deep down I think I know that she won't, but I've lived with the thought of Caroline being my enemy for so long that it's hard to ignore. "Do you want to come in?"

_She's not going to hurt you_ – Stefan says she won't hurt me and he's the only person who's been honest with me so I take a step into his apartment – trusting his voice in my head over Bonnie and Matt's.

I can tell she wants to hug me and I feel kind of bad that I don't want to let go of Stefan's hand, I'm even kind of standing behind him without realizing it. She and Stefan look at each other like 'oh poor brain damaged, Elena' and it irks me that he's told her about me.

When I let go of his hand I guess he thinks that means I'm not scared anymore because he takes the canvas grocery bags from me and leaves me standing in the foyer with Caroline. Maybe I'm being silly, but I keep my eyes on him, watch him walk to the kitchen isle, sit the bags down – somehow believing that if I look at Caroline she's going to attack me. I remember my dad telling Jeremy and I to never look an animal in the eye…

"So you're just going to ignore me?" Caroline really hasn't changed at all. I mean – she's a vampire and she's in deep with the Originals, but she's still very Caroline.

Stefan gives her a scolding glare, "Caroline." The way he says her name is like a warning.

"Ugh, what?" She goes to the kitchen with him and I get a strange view into what I guess was Stefan's life before my interview at Paestum Publishing just over a week ago – they're very comfortable with one another. As Stefan is unloading the items from my bags, Caroline moves behind him, gently grazing her hand on his lower back as she passes before resting against the counter next to him. They talk quietly, stand closely. Caroline looks over the bottle of wine I brought. I may as well not even be here though I pick up my name twice in their whispered conversation. I can't quit looking at them… hating how close they're standing – it's making me feel a little sick.

This is just really strange -Stefan and his girlfriend in the apartment that they share - _I'm the other woman._

"I think I'm just going to go." What was I thinking! Stefan has a girlfriend… a vampire girlfriend who can easily rip my throat out and ruin this very sexy dress that I wore especially for her boyfriend.

They both look up at me as I turn to leave but it's Caroline that speaks, "So what, you came over to drop off some groceries?" Her tone of voice is sharp and makes my skin crawl.

"Caroline, stop it." Stefan says sternly and I can actually see Caroline back down. It's not that she's mad or anything, but it's obvious that she's a little irritated at my reaction to her. If Stefan is right and she does know how he feels about me, then it's weird that she's not more angry with me being here… strange.

Either way, her little quips are beginning to annoy me and I know I'm probably crossing a dangerous line when I respond in a bitter-sweet tone – suddenly I'm standing all cocky with one hand on my hip, "I came over to see your boyfriend? He _really_ likes this dress."

When Caroline doesn't respond, caught off guard by my attitude, I'm filled with pride – but I turn to leave anyway.

Stefan catches the door just before it closes behind me and follows me into the hallway. "Please don't go." Whatever cockiness that I had is gone the moments is sweet, soft voice flows into my ears.

I feel like an idiot all dressed up, legs shaved, and wanting him. "I shouldn't have come over, Stefan. You have a girlfriend!"

He's fighting off a smile – the fact that I'm dressed sexy and upset that his girlfriend is home tells him a lot more than I actually want him to know right now. "I know… this is kind of complicated." I should, but I don't object when he runs the back of his fingers down my arm, leaving my skin tingly as he takes my hand in his. I should stop him, but I don't, when he lifts my hand and kisses my fingers. Now _I'm_ fighting off a smile. "Please come back inside?" I know I'm going to – who could resist this man – but I fret a bit longer, look at his barely open apartment door. "Caroline is not, and never was, _with_ the Originals. There is some truth to that but it had nothing to do with you. Maybe I'm wrong, but I think it would do you some good to spend a little time with her."

_There's some truth to that…_ It's probably another sign that I'm crazy, because being on the same side as the Originals at all should be a deal breaker, but I am very intrigued to find out what that phrase means. Not to mention, this messy-haired, relaxed Stefan is pretty intriguing as well… he's so handsome.

I nod, agreeing to stay and love that it makes Stefan light up. We smile at each other for a moment before he gestures for me to go back inside, whispering as I pass, "And I do like that dress."

STEFAN's POV

So it took about thirty minutes of me forcing conversation and an entire bottle of wine, but things are finally starting to loosen up between Elena and Caroline. Caroline's bratty attitude didn't help the situation much, but when I got Elena to come back in Caroline had straightened up and was much more friendly. I'm still not sure why she felt she had to come all the way back from Dallas to tell me I need to leave Elena alone.

That prick, Blake Townley, tweeted her the picture of us that was in the newspaper – I doubt this was the reaction he thought he'd get, but still, he's succeeded in getting us in an argument. Caroline wants me to come to Dallas with her now, as soon as possible. She keeps telling me that I'm ruining my second chance at doing the right thing and leaving Elena alone – I'm sure my opinion doesn't count since I'm quite biased towards being with Elena, but leaving her has never worked out well for either of us in the past so I'm not keen on the idea of skipping town before dawn.

We'd been debating pretty heavily since she called me at work and threatened to come up to the office and make a big 'you're cheating on me' scene – I could've called her bluff, but I know Caroline pretty well and she would have done it in a heartbeat. She's not mad, there's no reason to be – she and I went into this quasi-relationship knowing that should either of us get a real chance to be with our first choice, Klaus for her – Elena for me, then we would; No regrets. Caroline loves Elena and she loves me, and I know she's just very concerned that this is going to end up with one or both of us getting hurt all over again for the umpteenth time.

So I'm working on what I think is supposed to be Chicken Parmesan while Elena and Caroline are sitting on opposite ends of my leather sectional talking. I don't want to hear them – I feel like they need some alone time but Elena would not be comfortable with that - so to help drown out their voices I've got my Iphone in the dock and listening to a shuffled version of my Itunes list. Since I had no idea Elena was coming over or that Caroline would see Elena at all, we didn't talk about what she should or should not say – so I'm a little on edge about how far Caroline's going to go… all I can do is trust her to make good judgment calls. We've spent a good 3 hours semi-arguing about my current relationship with Elena so she knows what I have avoided telling her – I was human, Allie's my daughter, she's my wife… the big, life altering things.

There's something about the smell of onions, garlic cloves, bay leaves, and olives sautéing that makes me happy and miss my mother at the same time. Chopping up the peeled tomatoes, I'm lost in my own thoughts trying to remember exactly what she looked like when I'm brought back to the moment by the laughter of the only two women I've ever loved – in very different ways, but love none the less. I don't know what Elena and Caroline are laughing at, but they're both looking at me. I return their gazes with a smile and a shrug of my shoulders, then go back to chopping and trying to ignore.

CAROLINE's POV

"She's beautiful, Elena… wow." I don't know how Stefan is keeping it together. Looking at Allie's pictures on Elena's phone, there is no doubt that this beautiful little girl belongs to Stefan. I mean, I can kind of see Elena as Allie is dainty and petite, but she's just a tiny little, feminine version of Stefan with long wavy hair. "How old is she?"

Elena looks at the picture and her eyes are just so motherly, just like how I'd always pictured Elena would be with a child – the adoring parent, "Three and a half. She's starting school Monday."

I'm heartbroken that I've missed out on so much. Time seems to be going by at lightning speed now that I am a vampire because I hadn't realized that it's been over 4 years since I was in college. I can't believe Elena and Bonnie graduated… Elena's an editor and Bonnie is a teacher. What am I? A vampire – that's it. I make a mental note that I need to look at those broadcasting jobs Stefan sent me as I'm going to live forever and probably need to try and do something other than stay up until dawn drinking and dancing and sucking on blood bags. When Elena told me about Bonnie and Jeremy getting married and now I'm looking at pictures of Elena's daughter that I'll never meet, I remind myself this seclusion was my choice and it's what got Stefan into the situation that he's in, so I can't dwell on it too much, not right now. Still, the nagging thought that if I'd _not_ made that deal with Elijah to help him get Stefan's witches to bring Klaus back, Stefan would still be human and he and Elena would probably have another kid by now.

She and I talked while Stefan cooked – caught up a little. I don't have a whole lot to say really… like I said, I've just been partying, but I did tell her about Klaus. Sort of told her I guess… I said that I found another vampire that I fell in love with but we can't be together right now. Stefan seems to think that Elena is going to freak if she finds out that I've been head over feet in love with Niklaus Mikaelson since I was eighteen. He may be right; she was pretty weird about seeing me at first. But really, here we are finishing up our meal and looking at pictures of her daughter and laughing about Stefan's choice in music and being very much like the friends we used to be… so maybe Elena isn't as far gone as he seems to think…

"Allie… is that short for something?" I feel Stefan's gaze weigh on me – I know the story behind the name, he told me, but Stefan's been curious for years about Elena's thoughts on the matter and I think he may be on to something. It's been really nice to hang out with Elena and Stefan, just be normal – I hope the somewhat crass question's I'm about to ask doesn't ruin it.

"Alexia Nicole Gilbert" Elena raises her eyebrows when she says her last name, Stefan turns his head from looking down at his now empty plate telling me he must have thought she was a Donovan. "It's just easier that way, since Matt and I aren't married."I nod like, oh yea of course that's totally how people do things, but I'm really just invigorated – Elena is a very old fashioned kind of girl when it comes to love and romance and family – one of the key reasons she and Stefan are totally perfect for her – and it's a huge sign that Elena didn't give her daughter Matt's late name whether she realizes it or not.

I've known Elena since we were in diapers and having play dates at the park – The weak, depressed, confused Elena that Stefan told me about this afternoon is not something I will accept. Stefan can glare at me with his serious-vampire look all he wants, and I'm sure he will, but I'm going to do a little investigating. "That's really beautiful. So Nicole, that was you're mom's middle name, right?" Elena nods, sipping her wine. "How'd you come up with Alexia?"

Since Elena got here, Stefan hasn't touched me, not at all, but before I can get the question completely out of my mouth I feel his hand take mine. I'm sure it looks like he's just lovingly holding my hand, but what most likely appears to be a gentle squeeze is actually a grip that's sending pain shooting up my forearm. I turn and give him a smile, gritting my teeth through the pain.

When Elena takes a moment to respond, I look back at her and find her staring at our hands and I'm suddenly filled with an even greater idea! Elena has been my best friend and biggest rival for as long as I can remember… I'd like to see what happens when she gets a little competition.

ELENA's POV

_Did he just take her hand? Or did she take his… _

"Um," Stefan is sitting at the end of the dining table, with Caroline caddy-corner to him on one side and me on the other, and I'm pretty sure he just reached across the table and took her hand. "What?" I can't remember what Caroline asked me.

"How'd you decide on Alexia?" Caroline sits back in her chair and crosses her legs, pulling Stefan's hand – _still holding hers! –_ in to her lap. The muscles that control my eyes are honestly hurting as I force them not to look down at their hands.

"I don't know, I just liked it I guess." I swallow as my throat is beginning to feel kind of restricted.

Caroline purses her lips and looks up at the vaulted ceiling for a moment, gives a little hum like she's thinking of something – all the while my peripheral vision is catching her thumb moving back and forth across Stefan's knuckes. Back and forth…. Back and forth…. _What is she trying to do? Rub the skin off of his hand? Geez! _"Don't we know someone else with that name? Stefan? What was your friends name – the really long blonde hair?"

Lexi. Alexia Bronson… Alexia… weird, I hadn't thought about that.

"Lexi." Stefan responds curtly, his eyes on Caroline's smiling face. I notice he looks at her in a different way than he looks at me – it's a more intense, stern gaze – and I wonder if he's more forceful with her since she's a vampire. The thought of them together at all makes me want to vomit the very nice dinner Stefan made for us, so I push the thought away quickly.

"Maybe that's where you heard it?" Caroline offers – finally her damn thumb has stopped the sanding of Stefan's slightly scarred up knuckles… _who in the world has sexy knuckles? Stefan, of course - ugh_. If I weren't feeling so aggravated by Caroline and Stefan's sweet little touches I wouldn't be so irritated with my realization about his hands.

I force myself not to roll my eyes and sound kind of short tempered when I say, "Maybe, I don't know."

Caroline stands to get the wine from the kitchen counter and I feel a strange sense of relief when Stefan's hand is no longer attached to her. I mean, I know they're dating and have been dating for a long while, but still… PDA is kind of tacky.

"Well, it's really cute!" She fills her glass, then mine, but when she moves to fill Stefan's she leans her hips against him and puts her arm around his shoulders, looks down at him just as his hand comes around the outside of her leg, "want some more, babe?" _BABE? _

_She calls him babe? Stefan is not a 'babe' – Stefan Freaking Salvatore is no child!_ I look away, take a long drink of my wine, think of that children's movie from when I was a kid about a piglet named Babe. I would never call him anything other than Stefan… that name carries enough connotation to the romance novel gorgeous, intelligent, well-spoken, incredibly sexy, Greek God that he is!

_ugh, babe_.

I barely hear him say no – my heart beat is so fast that I think I can hear my blood rushing behind my eardrums.

"Just a little more?" Her voice is light, teasing almost and I roll my eyes without thinking about it but it doesn't matter because they're staring at each other like they're hungry and haven't eaten in days.

Stefan's voice is quiet, but strong – sexy. "No more, Caroline."

It's kind of like that slow motion when you're driving or riding in a car and you know you're about to get into an accident – you see it, you want to avoid it, you know it's going to really hurt, but you can't stop it… Caroline smiles down at Stefan, grazes her fingers through the back of his hair, bends at the hips and leans over to kiss Stefan… _My Stefan._

The screeching of my chair legs dragging across the wooden floor is loud! I don't know what has come over me, but just before Caroline's mouth touched Stefan's, my body reacted and I stood up lightning fast. Stefan and Caroline are looking at me, waiting for me to explain my sudden burst of movement and I have nothing. I have no words. My mind is racing. So far all I've come up with is:

_Oh sorry, but you can't kiss him._

Or

_I know you two are dating, but Stefan's mine, so…_

and my favorite

_Is there a stake lying around here anywhere because I swear to God if you kiss him I'll murder you._

None of those will work – completely inappropriate – so I just open my mouth and let whatever comes out come out. "I need to pee."

Stefan is pretty straight faced but Caroline must think my need to pee is hilarious because she's got a huge grin that I wouldn't mind smacking off of her face.

Gesturing towards the hall just off of the living area, she says "First door on your right."

I think I finally start breathing once I close the bathroom door. _I have no claim on Stefan. It was me that told him I just wanted to be friends. He wanted more, I shot him down… why am I in here trembling with anger like I have any right to be upset? Take away the fact that I'm incredibly attracted to Stefan, remove the fact that I'm crushing on him like a teenager and what is there – A couple having dinner with their old friend. Stefan and Caroline are together. I am an old friend… right? No not right… I should be his girlfriend… _

I tell myself to get it together, take a few deep breathes like my counselor taught me even though I'm not having a panic attack – I'm just really pissed off and jealous. I can hear dishes clinking and water running from the kitchen and wonder if they're holding hands while they clean up… ugh.

I spend a few minutes longer hidden away and getting control of my envy, even pulling an extra-crazy-girlfriend move when I spot the blue bottle of Neal's Yard bodywash sitting in the corner of the tiled shower – yes, I opened it and smelled it, even put a little in my palm and washed my hands just to make it look like I actually did use the restroom before heading back out to the _lovely couple_. I just love the smell of him…

I've decided that if they're still basically making out then I'm leaving!

Giving me a quick look when I enter the room, Stefan is in the kitchen loading the dishwasher while Caroline is curled up in the corner of the sectional, holding two glasses of wine and gesturing for me to join her. Even though I kind of hate her right now, I go and sit.

We're silent for a moment as I look around Stefan's apartment – it's a lot like his office; muted colors and everything in its place. Lots of books, a high-end stereo system, no TV, and very Stefan. I spot a picture of Stefan and Damon standing in front of Damon's Camero and can't help but smile – they look so brotherly with their arms around each other's shoulders. Still, I'm a little hurt that there's no picture of me anywhere.

"So, Elena…" Caroline shrugs as I turn to her,"let's get this over with okay?"

The noise in the kitchen stops, less the running water. I have no idea what she means. "Caroline!" Stefan says her name in a way that makes me feel nervous – like she's about to commit a crime.

"You were compelled."

Ok.

There it is.

I was compelled.  
I was compelled.  
I was compelled.

No one says anything – all the while those three words repeat over and over in my mind until they're just a bunch of syllables and vowels and consonants and indistinguishable sounds.

Finally, seriously it could easily be the next day because I have no idea how long I've been sitting here… but I finally say, "I know." Did I know? Maybe, no, yes, I'm not sure…

"You know?" Stefan repeats my words, surprised, and his voice startles me as I hadn't noticed that he was no longer in the kitchen – now sitting in front of me on the large, wooden coffee table that the sectional surrounds - leaned towards me, his elbows resting on his knees.

I nod slowly, for some reason I'm not as upset as I thought I would be once the truth was finally out. I should be irate. I should be throwing a huge fit or crying or _something_ - but knowing the truth, no matter how invasive and underhanded being compelled feels, it's still better than living in a web of lies. "I didn't know, really. It's just the only thing that made sense once I learned that Bonnie and Matt had been lying to me about the time I couldn't remember. I mean, if I'd lost my memory because of Bonnie's spell, why lie?" I look to Stefan – I can see that he's worried about me, but I actually feel kind of empowered knowing that I'm not broken. "Then when I realized that she'd been lying mostly about you and I found that you were nothing like how her stories made you out to be, I just put it together. You compelled me to forget you. I just can't figure out why?"

Caroline sits up straight, looks offended, "What did Bonnie say about him!"

"Mainly that he was kind of a jerk; dating a bunch of girls while dating me. That he drank human blood when I wasn't around and only tried to make me believe he didn't hurt humans because he and Damon were competing over me like they did Katherine."

Stefan adds quietly, "They told her I left right after Klaus' ritual and didn't come back."

Caroline has her mean-girl face on – wide eyes and lowered brow, her mouth a straight line, "That bitch. That's not true at all! Why would she do that?"

"It doesn't matter, I'm sure she –"

Caroline cuts Stefan off, "It doesn't make sense, as far as they knew you-"

"That's enough." This time Stefan interrupts Caroline, though I'm not sure if it's his demanding tone or the way he's suddenly gripping her forearm – his fingers are pressing into her flesh and from the quick inhale through her teeth, I know he's applying a lot of pressure.

"They thought you what, Stefan?" I ask – I need to know the end of her statement – the reason behind all of this. They thought he was going to kill me? They thought he was dangerous? Still holding Caroline but looking at me, his soft gaze is contradictory to his body language – tense neck and shoulders, clenched jaw. I feel a little torn as I want to ease him of whatever is causing him to be upset by letting the question go – it's obvious he doesn't want to answer – but I can't _not_ know. I realize my questioning stare isn't working and start to get irritated. "Look, you two can either tell me now or let Bonnie and Matt handle filling me in on these missing pieces because I am sick and tired of being in the dark!" I cross my arms for good measure, "And who knows what they'll tell me, so it's your choice."

STEFAN's POV

I guess I knew this moment was going to come eventually. Elena has been avoiding it as much as I have – there's been plenty of time to ask me and I've had numerous chances to offer the information. Now that I have no way around it, I realize that I'd been hoping that she's somehow just remember everything and keep me from having to relive it. Maybe that's selfish of me, I don't know, but I still have a hard time talking about losing her. I mean, _I had her_ – we had each other in human form, married, no confusion, no outside influences tearing us apart – just me and Elena and Allie growing in her womb and the rest of our lives to love each other.

Holding her and looking out over the Tiber River – my arms around my wife - I'd actually let myself believe that we'd made it. I'd prayed that she and I would end up together and in that moment, I really thought my prayers had been answered. I guess that's why it was so unbelievably painful when I lost her, when I lost all of the things we could have had.

Caroline starts to talk, I've been misplaced in my own thoughts too long, but when my fingers tighten around her arm again, she stops – glaring at me. I should have known Caroline wouldn't be able to keep quiet. She's one of my best friends, but the girl has zero tact and never has. Giving her an equally aggravated stare, I release her arm as I turn my attention to Elena.

She deserves to know.

I rub my face with my hands, pop my neck – I'm suddenly very thirsty and wish I would have hunted before all of this got started. "They thought that…" Swallowing, I sit up straight and look around the room – it's obvious that I'm stalling. I'm not sure what I'm going to say, so I start with, "I didn't compel you."

Elena's brow furrows and she looks at Caroline. When Caroline shakes her head no, answering Elena's unspoken question, I continue, but decide to go with a cliff notes version. "Jeremy asked Damon to make you forget me because you all thought I had been killed. By the time I was able to contact you it was too late."

Oddly, Elena doesn't seem to be affected by what I've just told her. Me – I'm struggling to keep it together, my throat is tight and my chest is hurting and I swear I have phantom pains in my back right where Kol staked me – but Elena appears to be fine. That right there is the big difference in remembering what we had… it hurts me deeply while she's unscathed. "Where were you during all of this? With Klaus?" She asks Caroline.

Caroline's eyes widen, mouth gapes for a moment, "You remember Klaus and me?"

"Caroline, I've been compelled, I'm not an idiot." Elena is not only calm, she seems more like the Elena from my memories. "I've got these pieces of memories where you're with Klaus – riding in a car, dancing with him at prom or something, even making out with him in a kitchen… so is that where you've been? With Klaus until he became comatose?"

Caroline starts in on the story – telling Elena about my successful plan of taking down Klaus. How I'd used the summer she spent in Spain to gather a covenant of witchcraft and asked Caroline to get close to Klaus in order to bait him into the whole deal. When Caroline talks about Naples, I smile as I listen and my minds eye replays everything in brilliant detail - I watch Elena taking in the information like she's listening to a story about someone else. Caroline's a good storyteller – doesn't leave much out, including how I bit Elena in that vampire club as a way to convince Klaus that I was serious. When Elena's hand gently touches the curve of her neck I have to look away – I'm hungry and remembering her body in my hands as we danced is making me crave her in every way possible. It takes a moment for me to force down my thirst and when I look back to Elena she's still listening to Caroline talk about how she fell in love with Klaus, but she's looking at me with a soft smile on her face.

Her eyes are beautifully dark, like a cloudless night sky, they're endless. I try to remember if that haze was visible earlier because right now, it's completely gone and the clearness of her gaze is breathtaking. The frequency between us begins to tune up – the longer I hold her in my eyes the stronger it's getting.

"So you freak out and take off running!" Caroline hands are moving in the air as she speaks – I'm surprised by how far along Caroline is in the story – thankful that I started paying attention again just before she'd gone too far, "Like you sprint down the board walk and Stefan chases after you because you think he's dead but really-"

"I wasn't dead, it was a mistake." I give Caroline a quick look and consider grabbing her by the waist and actually removing her from my apartment if she doesn't shut the hell up.

Elena cannot know that I was human. She can't know that I was human because it's a very short line to figure out that I'm Allie's father and what's the point in that? Allie has a father who loves her and will not bring evil into her life the way I would. Elena and Matt have figured out how to raise her together and it's too late for me to step in now – besides, Elena is just getting back on her feet and that kind of news would destroy her. She doesn't love me, in her opinion she barely knows me so I am positive that she'd rather go on thinking Matt is the father of her child and not some guy she kind of knows who drinks rabbit blood to stay alive.

Elena shakes her head, "So Damon compelled me after you killed Klaus? Why can I remember us in the Lexus?"

"He didn't _kill_ Klaus because then everyone Klaus had ever turned would die – including us – but no, he compelled you after you guys went to Rome to warn one of the witches that Elijah was trying to find her." Caroline explains. I realize as I watch Elena's face scrunch up with confusion that though it all makes perfect sense to Caroline and I, without going through a step-by-step timeline with Elena she's not going to get it.

"You said he compelled me because I thought you were dead." Elena's voice almost sounds like she's accusing me of lying – I am lying; by omission, at least.

"The second time." Caroline just keeps beating me to the punch and I'm growing very tired of it. "In Rome you-"

"Let's just stop here." I stand, "it's getting late and we have to work in the morning, Caroline."

Elena takes my hand, tugs at it as she wants me to sit back down – as aggravated and bothered by all of this recollection as I am, I still have a hard time telling her what to do. When I pause, trying to decide which way to go – sit back down and let this continue on or force the night to be over with – Caroline jumps in, again.

"Stefan, you may as well tell her. What's it going to matter if she knows that you-"

"Caroline." I've had enough of this. I'm hungry, I'm exhausted from mentally going through all of this again and I want it to end. Still, I don't mean to be so forceful when I speak to Caroline, "I appreciate your input in all of this, but what happened in Rome has nothing to do with you. Nothing. So please, back. off."

Elena, with her clear eyes, gives me the push back that I'd expected from Caroline. "That's not fair, Stefan. I want to know. I have a right to know and you're not telling me anything!"

I pull my hand away from her and cross my arms – she has no idea what she's asking me to go through. What's worse, while unearthing everything that I've lost, she won't be bothered at all. The woman that I'll love for eternity and who doesn't love me, the woman who I've lost time and time again, she won't feel a thing while I fall apart – I can't rehash everything and have to experience it alone, again.

"I just can't, Elena." I barely have a voice as my throat is tightening.

"I'll tell her everything, Stefan – you don't even have to be in here if you don't want to." She's trying to comfort me, I know, but no matter if I overhear the facts of my demise or not, Elena will still be cold to the entire situation and that's a whole other kind of agony.

I turn to her, unclench my jaw "It won't matter. She's not going to remember – she won't really believe it, it'll just be a story that happened to someone else. Just, please, let it go for now!"

When she stays silent for a moment, I think I may have actually won an argument against Caroline. It would be one of the very few that I've come out the victor since she and I started dating – just as I start to feel myself relax, I hear her inhale and any thoughts of getting her to stop are crushed; Caroline does what she wants, whenever she wants.

"Then why not go get her diaries?" Caroline gives me a look – big eyes and raised eyebrows – like I'm an idiot for not thinking of that. Of course I've thought about that, but I'm pretty confident Elena would have already read through her journals if they were available to her. My guess, Damon destroyed them on his way out of Mystic Falls.

Elena exhales, shaking her head, "They got lost somehow, I can't remember. Bonnie said I took them to school with me and everyone thought I'd lost them in the move or something."

I return the 'dumbass' look to Caroline, but she smiles, "Oh no, Bonnie has them. The last time I talked with her she had boxed everything up for safe keeping."

Elena sits up, smiling brightly at Caroline, "Really?"

Caroline nods and takes Elena's hands in hers – I don't miss the fact that Elena has come quite a distance with Caroline since she showed up at my apartment a few hours ago. I like seeing Elena be just a girl talking with her friend. "I know she still has them. Bonnie would never throw your journals and keepsakes away. Never. She knows how much you love Stefan no matter how she's lied to you about him."

I don't know why, but I almost correct her – nearly say 'loved', but I stay quiet as the past tense version cuts at me.

"Then when I confront them on Saturday, I'll demand that she give me my things back. No reason to keep them hidden when I already know they've been lying." Elena's voice is light, she sounds so happy – I wish I could feel the same, but I know that it's not going to change a thing when she reads through her journals – in the end, she still won't remember and she won't love me.

They talk for a bit more and I stay close in case I need to put a reign on Caroline's loose tongue. Standing at the kitchen counter, I pick through the left over spaghetti while Elena asks questions about Naples and Caroline's relationship with Klaus. I guess this is the closest Elena has had to a girl's night since she and Caroline shared a dorm at the University of Virginia.

When the leftovers don't fill me up, I open the fridge and consider drinking one of the donor bags that Caroline keeps here. I really want to – I mean badly – my mouth waters the moment I see the crimson liquid, but I close the door after a minute or two of mental tug-of-war; my bargaining with God seems to be working and I don't want to go back on my word and risk losing Elena's clear, sharp, endless eyes.

"You don't mind if Elena stays over do you, Stef?" Caroline is looking over her shoulder at me and though her voice sounds innocent, I can see the wheels turning in her mischievous brain. "It's pretty late and we've drank way too much for her to be driving."

Caroline is ridiculous – thoughtful as I would love to burn off some of this aggression I've had pent up inside of me for well over a week, but Elena wants to be friends so staying the night is not going to help with that. "Of course not, I have an extra bedroom."

Elena stands, ready to turn down our offer, but she wobbles a bit and laughs at her condition – she's happy and she's beautiful and I love her. "I don't have anything to wear and I need to change for work. I can't."

Now more concerned about her state of intoxication than my unfulfilled desire for her, I insist she stay. "You can sleep in something of mine and I'll wake you when I go for my run in the morning so you can get to your place with enough time to change before work."

This time, Caroline's unnerving persistence pays off; she stands up and confirms our plan, "Ok then, that'll work! Come on I'll show you the extra bedroom"

ELENA's POV

There is something terribly familiar about this grey, vneck t-shirt of Stefan's. From the way it hangs loosely on my freshly showered body to the softness of the cotton and the length of the sleeves… it takes me a few moments of examining myself in the mirror before I see it. This shirt is just a newer version of my favorite old grey tshirt that I've had for years and years. It's the exact shirt, just not quite as worn and not washed hundreds of times. When I'm sad – I sleep in that shirt. When I'm scared – I sleep in that shirt. When I'm happy – I sleep in that shirt.

I can feel my heart ache when I realize that my favorite grey shirt must have come from Stefan…

I feel it break a little when I think of him leaving.

I've never considered myself much of an actress, but when Caroline casually mentioned Stefan coming back to Dallas with her I don't think I gave away the pain I felt. At least I hope I didn't. I just nodded and forced a smile, listening to her talk about their apartment and how she compelled a couple of floor seats at the Mavericks games because Stefan loves basketball… who knew?

I wish I could say that I didn't cry about it. I've gone a few days without shedding any tears – unless you count laughing to the point of crying – but once I got to the extra bedroom and hid away in the shower I did, I cried. Just like with Caroline, it's hard for me to push away everything I've been told about them for the past few years – I feel like I'm supposed to hate him. How am I supposed to hate him when he isn't here? How am I supposed to laugh til I cry without Stefan?

Stefan's apartment is very comfortable, very welcoming. Very Stefan, not a sign of Caroline really, so I wonder if he had a decorator come in to put the place together. My bedroom is painted a grey blue, with white molding and the same dark hardwood floors as the rest of the place, but with a large blue and grey rug covering most of it. The sleigh-bed faces the large windows, covered from ceiling to floor with white sheers. Turning off the lights and climbing into the bed, I'm nearly under the covers when I realize I hear Stefan's Iphone is still playing from the dock in the living room.

All I have on is Stefan's t-shirt – no bottoms and no panties – so I peek out from the bedroom door and down the hall. The living area is dimly lit from the chandelier over the dining table and appears to be empty. I feel like an underwear-less cat burglar as I tip-toe down the hall, pausing as I enter the living area to spot the Iphone dock before I continue. Moving a bit quicker now that I'm out here in all my bottomless glory, I get nearly to the bookshelf it's sitting on before I notice Stefan's hand laying on top of the couch.

I freeze, my heartbeat racing and pull at the hem of my t-shirt - willing the fabric to be longer. It just barely covers my rear end when I'm not moving…

"Elena?" Stefan sits up a bit, looks over the couch at me. I wonder if my heartbeat is what gave me away… wonder if he can hear it speeding up even more as his eyes move from my face and slowly down to my bare legs.

"I, sorry. I, the music, I was." Oh great, now I can't talk.

Like the athlete that he is, Stefan somehow clears the back of the couch in a swift, seemingly effortless motion. "Oh yea, I forgot." He's shirtless – that Greek God body of his looks warm under this dim lighting – and he's wearing a pair of navy blue boxer brief. I should look away.

I don't.

When I feel the ever-present current between us kick up to an unavoidable tension, I have to do something or else I'm going to break from the push/pull force – so I smart off at him like a teenager, "Like you forgot to tell me you're moving to Dallas?" He closes his eyes for a moment, shaking his head as he sighs heavily – guess he didn't want Caroline to talk about that either. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"I haven't decided if I'm going or not." He says bluntly – honestly.

Well ok. Guess that's a decent answer. I look away from him, notice the pillow and blanket on the couch. "Why are you sleeping out here?" He hasn't seen Caroline in over a week; one would think he'd be in bed with his girlfriend. "You shouldn't be mad at her, she's just trying to help me."

He gives a little shrug – my eyes catching how the muscles of his shoulders roll in a way that makes me want to lick him. "I'm not mad. I just don't want to be in that bed."

I hold my breath – try to figure out if he said that bed or _that_ bed – all the while our gravity is really working on me and his green eyes burning into mine are so intense that I almost want to reach out and touch him. Stefan cocks his head to the side like he does, very sexy, very charming – He reaches out and takes a strand of my hair between his fingers, letting his side out of his touch slowly. I know I can't feel my hair, but something about that was teasing, powerful even.

"Why did you come over?" He asks softly.

I'm having trouble concentrating as his eyes are watching my lips form words, "I was going to cook you a thank you dinner."

Stefan smiles, gives a small laugh, "_You_ were going to cook for me?"

Apparently he knows I'm pretty terrible in the kitchen and something about his laugh eases the tension – or maybe it just makes the gravity stronger because I find myself stepping towards him as I answer with a smile, "The plan was for me to start, then let you take over."

"I like it when you start." _Ugh, what is it with him and these loaded statements!_ It's torture when he tugs at the sleeve of my shirt, so close to touching me, but not. "You look very sexy in my shirt."

We stand there like that – just a foot of distance between our barely dressed selves and the love that we used to know. I want to touch him, I want him to come closer to me… I want him to stop looking at me like that unless he's going to make good on what his eyes are saying he wants to do to me.

Finally, Stefan moves away a bit, leaning against the back of the couch, his hands resting on his hips – he looks me over once more and I'm suddenly not concerned that he may see I'm not wearing anything under this thin cotton shirt. "Are you going to bed?"

He's giving me a way out – an escape from his implied ultimatum; either I make the first move or go back to bed.

(MORE TO COME – Follow me IChooseStefan and feel free to comment/ask questions!)


	7. Chapter 7

STEFAN's POV

I've spent the last hour or so laying on the couch replaying the previous six years of my life; opening every wound and examining it - every time I believed I had Elena, every time I lost her. Each and every kiss and touch, every argument and every tear. Watching Elena's face give no reaction to Caroline's explanation, hearing her voice without emotion talking about the things that have nearly destroyed me – I'm enraged that the universe has chosen this as it's punishment for me.

Seeing her now, half-naked and looking at me with her clear, sharp, endless eyes, I can't deny that I'm angry or that I want her. I know I'm an open book here; mentally worn out, emotionally uncovered, barely clothed. We shouldn't be in this moment – not like this - I'm a stranger and she's unreachable and cold to all the memories that bind us together.

I know I'm setting myself up for failure – for a deep and painful rejection. I can only recall a handful of times where Elena took on the role of the aggressor in our relationship before all of this mess we're in now – she doesn't remember me, she feels as though she barely knows me - there is no way this Elena will counter my come on. I guess I'm tired of being on the giving end here. She hasn't done anything to hurt me intentionally, but it's been a gutting to try and be plutonic – just be friends. I love Elena like lungs love oxygen and the Earth loves the sun – asking me to ignore my love for her is the same as letting me slowly bleed out on the floor. If we have to die, I'd rather it be quick.

Honestly, I'll be surprised if she lets on that she comprehended the double meaning to my words, at all – _Are you going to bed? _

It could be an honest question, it's late and we have to work and tonight has been pretty revealing with Caroline's overzealous mouth. I'm sure Elena is going to trot right back into my extra bedroom and climb into my bed, lay in my sheets, wearing my shirt, and toss and turn and regret walking away from me. That sounds egotistical, I know, but I'm not being arrogant in the slightest – I know this woman. From the way her chocolate eyes keep moving down to my mouth, steeling a glance at my chest and stomach. The slight parting of her lips as she considers my words. I am a stranger in her eyes, but I can hear her desire in her shaky breath and speeding heartbeat.

It'll be for the best when she does turn and leave me to sleep on the couch – I'm far too hostile tonight. I haven't hunted all day and I'm starving for blood and ravenous with the thought of being inside of her – of hearing her moan my name in that voice of hers.

_Are you going to bed? _I should be ashamed of myself for the thoughts and images playing through my mind – her flesh in my hands and my mouth between her thighs. Taking out my pent up aggression with a punishing rhythm that would leave my body sore and Elena's throat raw and hoarse from loudly urging me on. The flush of her cheeks makes me wonder if my gaze may be too intense – but I don't care. I want her. She is my wife and I'm growing tired of the agony and the despair and the continuous ripping and shredding of our love and for just one damn night I want to be her husband.

When Elena takes a step, pivoting, moving away from me, I feel that sweet anger inside of me swell. Her hands pull as the hem of the shirt she is wearing, trying to make it longer, and I shamelessly look down at her bare thighs, unintentionally lick my bottom lip into my mouth and press my teeth into it.

I knew she was going to go back to bed; I had not a single doubt in my mind as Elena doesn't love me and she's not that kind of girl – excluding her actions after the gala, of course. That night was the exception – she was drunk and coming off of some kind of pill addiction and lust is a very hard emotion to fight when you're already unstable from such things. I'm not surprised at all, but it still hurts me. I can tell myself a thousand times that Elena will remember, that she'll love me again, that we're going to make it through this, but the truth is I'm beginning to lose faith.

That familiar ache in my gums is taunting me. I'm not mad at Elena – how could I be? This isn't her fault. I'm just mad. I'm hungry in every sense of the word! I'm hungry for blood, I'm hungry for her, I'm starving to feel loved and worthy, to feel safe in her arms again!

I hang my head, inspect the floor. My neck is tense and needs popped, the muscles of my chest and back and legs are flexed in preparation – my body is steeling itself the best it can to the words that I am about to hear when she inhales to speak. "I'm going to bed."

It didn't matter that I knew what was coming or that I'd been able to prepare - Four small, quietly spoken words and I'm crushed.

Elena's fingers touch the sensitive skin just above my inner wrist, moving down and taking my hand in hers in some friendly way of apologizing – I can't look at her as my eyes are burning with the threat of tears. Even in this state of rejection the gravity that I feel for her is extreme and her gentle touch makes the muscles of my forearm ache from the teasing sensation.

Louder this time, she repeats her words, another verbal whipping, "I'm going to bed." I look at her small hand encasing mine, resting on my thigh – her skin is glowing and reminds me of the sheen of candlelight on glass. I feel hopeless… I love her to the point that I cherish the skin on her hands. "Come with me."

It takes a few seconds for me to believe that I heard right. Looking up at her with my brow low and knitted together, Elena's face is confident, subtly pleased – that sharpness in her eyes that I love so much. We don't speak, just gaze at one another for a long moment. It hits me like a clap of thunder that Elena is not the same girl I fell in love with when she was seventeen. She's a matured, adult woman with the most beautiful face I've ever laid eyes on and a deep curve to her waist that makes me dizzy with longing. The Elena from my memories would have left me here, maybe given me a doe-eyed glance as she turned the corner, but I would have spent the night on the couch. Elena has lived and grown and experienced life – developed from that somewhat shy girl to a sexy, assured woman that I've spent the last week getting to know and, if it's even possible, I've fallen for her all over again.

ELENA's POV

I let go of his hand when we entered the extra bedroom and for some reason I've turned away from him- I guess I'm nervous, or anxious… I'm not totally sure why my heart is racing like this. Closing the door as quietly as I can as if I'm sneaking a boy into my bedroom, I feel the click of the latch silently move into place. My hand guides the knob back to its neutral position and I close my eyes, take a deep breath in through my nose. The space between us suddenly has that charged, simmering feel to it like right before a cloudy summer sky breaks into a lighting storm – my skin is buzzing in response. I feel light-headed and giddy – so proud of myself for actually listening to what I want and not letting the voices in my head – Bonnie, Matt, & Jeremy – tell me what to do.

I am not broken.

Turning in place, I have to rest my weight against the door behind me when I catch sight of Stefan standing motionless in the darkness and my legs nearly fail me – he's breathtaking, artistically beautiful.

Backlit by the city sky seeping in through the white sheers, Stefan Salvatore is truly a Greek God; his tense, barely clothed body a glowing silhouette. I can't see the features of his face, but can feel his eyes on me as I look him over. I want to run my fingers through his unruly hair, graze my lips across the slight dips of his carved shoulders and arms. My legs are tingling with anticipation of wrapping themselves around his taut, v-shaped frame. Even the wide curve of his athletic calves into his slender ankles is inviting.

As my eyes trace the blackened shape of his body, it's in that moment that I decide that I'm going to do what I've wanted to do since I met him so many years ago. I was timid and inexperienced, and Stefan was more than I had even imagined a man could ever be – always in control, with a slight sense of danger, never less than perfect in the way he held me and kissed me.

I want to explore him.

I want to seduce him.

I want to touch him, taste him - learn every inch of his body.

I want to see him enjoying me.

Rallying my confidence, I extend my arm along the wall, blindly feeling the coarse sheetrock with my oversensitive fingers until I find the switch and turn on the light. My eyes are already looking at Stefan's face, but it takes him a moment to adjust to the warm glow of light from the bedside lamps – blinking a few times with his brow furrowed and lips pursed before returning my stare. He's confused, thrown off – good. It's nice to be on the other side of this game, to be in control.

"You can sit." I offer. Stefan looks almost angry and I recall how he seemed to be frustrated with Caroline and our topic of conversation.

Without pause, Stefan responds in a low tone, "I'll stand." He is angry.

I smile - I like that I have such an effect on him… the sense of power it gives me was one of the earliest reasons as to why I didn't run away from Stefan when I learned that he was a vampire.

"Thank you for the car." I stand straight; let my legs hold my weight now that I'm feeling like the one in control. "It was unnecessary, but very sweet of you to worry about me." I take a step towards him and his unforgiving stare seems to soften. "You don't have to take care of me, Stefan."

I reach out and take both of his hands in mine – he must feel it too, the charge between us flaring, because he looks at our hands and I see his chest expand from his inhale. With his head still looking down, his eyes meet mine and whatever anger he'd been feeling has disappeared. There is a burn in Stefan's gaze that makes my mouth dry and my breath shallow.

Leaning towards me, my lips begin to as I watch his mouth coming closer to mine. It's such a sweet whisper, "I like to take care of you, Elena", his soft voice wraps all around me.

I let him kiss me - my legs feel weak and my chest squeezes my lungs and the thoughts in my brain come to a halt as he pulls away. Just a simple, soft, tender touch of his lips against mine and I'm intoxicated.

When he presses his lips against mine for a second time and I feel all of my strength seeping from my muscles with each tentative kiss I know that I have to stop him. If I'm going to live out my fantasy of exploring Stefan Salvatore I've got to keep my wits about me.

"Wait." I turn my face away abruptly, release his hands.

Stefan is not a man of many words – he has this face and these eyes and this beautifully sculpted mouth that speaks volumes in silence. I can see he's confused and aggravated, unsure why I'm stopping him. Afraid it's a replay of what happened after the gala. Quickly looking away when our eyes meet, he backs away from me, moving towards the door - I know I have to explain no matter how wanton my words will sound. "I don't want you to touch me."

Oh his glare cuts me – my explanation did not come out the way I'd hoped and now he's looking at me like I've damaged him, raised eyebrows, parted lips, and a wrinkled brow. Again, I smile – I know it sounds cruel but Stefan is just so beautiful and I don't know if I've ever seen him look scorned before.

I move quickly and stand in the way of the door. Taking his hands again, I try to explain once more as I suppress a laugh. "No, I mean, I don't want you to touch me, because I want to touch you."

Registering my proposal, his green eyes turn to molten fire. I feel myself morph into someone sexier - darker -as I place his hands at his sides and return his wicked gaze. I've waited six years and in this very moment, the anticipation is killing me.

STEFAN's POV

"I can't think with your hands on me, Stefan"

My brain is in overdrive while my body is rigid. As much as I adore my sweet Elena and her virtuous ways, the seductress standing before me has stolen me for the moment. It's been many years since I've felt apprehensive, unsettled by a woman's invitation – probably 1864. The way I feel right now, with Elena looking up at me with those glittering endless eyes and reddened lips, asking me to keep my hands from her, it's more than I can stand.

My eyes are caught by her full lips curving into words, "It's not fair, what you do to me."

I clench my jaw in a way to fight off the magnetism that instantly raises my hands the moment she releases them. When she smiles at my weakness for her, it just makes it worse. I can't remember ever wanting her so badly, ever loving her as much.

"Okay," Her voice is quiet and playful as she takes my right hand with both of hers – one holding my wrist lightly and the fingers of her right hand keeping my fist from closing as a way to protect my ring – I may be a stranger to her in most ways, but she somehow knows that it would be an automatic reaction. "We'll start with your hands then."

For a moment I'm confused – I honestly have no idea what she'd want to look at my hand for – I follow her gaze, she's looking at my fingers the way I look at her… when her soft, moist lips touch just below my ring my breath catches in my chest. I think my heart catches fire when she looks at my face, silently asking permission to continue, and I see the girl I've been searching for since I lost her in Rome. This woman, the look in her eyes, she'll either save me or break me… I love her.

I think I nod, I don't know, I'm lost and focused and incredibly distracted. Elena's got this wicked smile on her face that is the complete opposite of my clenched jaw, teeth grinding, intense stare that I'm sure I'm giving her.

Turning my hand over, she runs her fingertips lightly from my wrist, gently scratching at the palm of my hand and up my middle finger. For the first time in as long as I can remember my fingers tremble. She kisses the pad of my middle finger, cuts her eyes to mine, then slowly guides the tip of my finger into her mouth. All I can feel is warmth and wetness, a gentle sucking, and I have to close my eyes to keep from breaching her no touching rule.

It's too much, the tormenting sensation – I exhale with a nearly silent groan when her lips release my finger just as I feel the blood begin to rush to my eyes. I get a moments rest – a very short repose from my body's near breaking point - before Elena starts again. She kisses my knuckles, my wrist, gives a soft licking-sucking mixture at the base of my bicep – her mouth moving painfully slow up my arm while her hand rests softly on top of my pounding heart.

Kissing my shoulder, then my collar bone, I lean into the touch of her hand on my face, closing my eyes – overheating from the warmth of her mouth against my neck. I don't mean to, or maybe I do, I can't be sure, but my arm – the one she's just electrified with her teasing kisses – wraps around her, my hand splaying on her back and pressing her body against mine. Immediately, Elena stops the amazing sucking just below my jawline. I feel her lashes flutter and her lips move on my skin as she says, "Don't."

Honestly, I don't know if I cannot touch her right now.

I swallow hard, pop my neck and decide that I'd rather die trying to experience this than stop her from doing what she's doing to me. I nod again just as her fingers intertwine with my buzzing right hand.

Harder now, Elena starts again – I feel her teeth pull at my skin and it's so overwhelmingly maddening that I release a low growl. My free arm starts to move to her – all I want right now is to pin her against the door, let my body expend it's bridled pressure and consume every bit of Elena – but I'm somehow able to control it just enough that I end up bracing myself against the door, my fingers digging into the wooden frame.

The fire in my body that her fingers leave as she moves them down my chest, sporadically kissing and licking, its burning through me – my stomach is clenched so tightly I can barely breath as I watch that beautiful face of hers. When her fingertips move across my navel, slowly sweep across the band of my underwear, she looks up at me – a playful gaze and parted lips. Elena's eyes are full of this wicked innocence that I can't resist and I move to kiss her, I just want to taste her, but she slips away – her touch moving from the lowest low of my torso to my back.

Now with both hands against the door frame, my arms are holding nearly all of my weight when she begins her assault of kisses across my shoulder blades. Again, the blood creeps into the veins around my eyes and I feel my gums ache.

"Elena, stop." I'm out of breath and even I'm not convinced by my words. I don't want to hurt her, I just want her. In any and every way possible. I want her. I lay my head back when I feel her hand slip into my hair. "Elena."

I'm about to beg her to stop, to let me touch her – I can't take another second of this, but her touch is gone and I'm cold without her and my body is aching and stiff.

I have to take a couple of deep breaths; pushing oxygen into my muscles and clearing my eyes before I can turn to her. Elena has backed away from me, standing by the unmade bed and watching the effect she has on me with a pleased smile - that wicked innocence in her endless eyes. I love her.

I want to go to her. Honestly, I want to hold her down on that bed and give her some of that sweet torture she's just given me, but I'm scared to move. She's asked me not to touch her and I don't know what she'll allow me to do. We stand like that for what seems like an eternity while I fight the gravity that pulls me to her, always returns me to Elena.

My thoughts are confused with images of making love to Elena and memories of her hurting me – telling me she couldn't be with me because I was a vampire, before Klaus' ritual when she told me she didn't want to be a vampire, she didn't want to spend eternity with me… Damon… Damon and Elena, Elena and Damon. Damon. After the gala…

My voice, thick with emotion and raw, comes from my mouth before I can stop it – "I can't do this. I don't want to be a one-night thing for you, Elena." God how I wish I could… Elena means too much to me to cheapen everything we had with what would be a quick, meaningless fuck in her eyes.

Without hesitation, Elena responds with a gentle shake of her head, "That's not what I want, either."

I'm confused – I can't follow her anymore. She's so hard to predict. Trying to decipher what she said about us being friends and what I've just heard, what she's just done to me, I stand quietly and watch her move onto the bed – Elena's clear eyes never leaving mine. "What do you want from me?" I hate how tortured I sound, but I can't hide it – I'm coming undone.

She sits back on her calves, "I want you to come here, Stefan"

I swear she's got some kind of a spell on me – my legs move without my brain ever telling them to, closing the distance between us even as I continue to verbally protest. "Elena, please, _I can't do this_. I can't be _just_ a friend to you." Thankfully, the mattress against the front of my thighs stops me.

Elena moves to her knees, comes to the edge of the bed – we're eye to eye. I can smell her; in my shirt, on my bed, after taking a shower in my soap, she smells like me and for some reason it makes me crave her even more.

The frequency between us is alive, effervescent, sparking – nearly igniting when her hands come to my shoulders and glide across my skin - her fingers slip into my hair, her soft, sweet lips leaving a slow kiss on my mouth. "Because you love me?"

I can't open my eyes for a moment, savoring that kiss – I don't know if I'll ever feel it again, I don't know where she's going with this. I nod, my voice barely audible "Because I love you."

When her hands leave my face, I open my eyes somewhat fearful that I'm going to find her in pain from hearing me say I love her, like after the gala, but Elena's eyes are still clear and sharp and so beautifully dark and endless. She gives a sweet, small smile. I want to touch her so badly, hold her face.

It's like the unveiling of the sunrise when Elena slowly peels my tee-shirt from her body – completely uncovered, she is supple and warm. No longer under my control, my eyes move from her thighs, up her body at a wonderfully slow pace, etching the curve of her hips and the soft glow of her skin into my mind. I have to bite into my bottom lip painfully hard when my mouth wants to taste her breasts and my palms begin to sting with the need to feel her. When my eyes find her face, everything increases tenfold – my pulse, the electricity flowing through my veins, the aching pressure in my body – Elena's face sets me on fire. "Then love me, Stefan."

ELENA's POV

I can't think, I can't breath – it's just all sensation and heat and his breathing and my whimpering. Stefan is amazing. He's breathtaking and overwhelming and all consuming. I've never been kissed like this – I've never been touched like this. This is what making love is supposed to be – a mindless and full utopia.

He's moving fast and hard – I keep thinking I need to quiet down; Caroline is a vampire and can surely hear this but I can't control my vocal chords, my brain has lost its power and I'm calling out his name and begging and pleading. My hands fisting in his hair and grasping at the skin on his back – there's no doubt, not a shadow of fear in my mind, this is what falling in love feels like.

I can't remember loving Stefan before, but I know I am head over heels, hopelessly in love with Stefan now.

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	8. Chapter 8

ELENA's POV

My eyes spring open – I'm completely out of breath, my throat is dry and from the smile on Stefan's face, the mix of terribly naughty scenes my mind was playing out in dreams while I slept must have bled over into reality. Last night, on Jennifer's desk, at my parent's lake house, in his bedroom, in a kitchen, in what appeared to be hotel rooms – just a bunch of mixed up memories and images that left me arching and moaning and oh God I hope I didn't say his name out loud for real…

I'm still naked from our incredible love making that lasted well into the night and grab at the white sheets to cover myself better. It's not even full-light outside and Stefan is already dressed for his morning run; I feel a little embarrassed of my state of undress.

It hits me that vampires can infiltrate minds and direct dreams, "Were you… did you?"

He gives a little laugh, runs his hand through his hair when he takes a seat on the edge of the bed, "No, but I kind of wish I would have." I roll my eyes; I'm too tired from our aerobic session that has left me feeling limp-muscled and too relaxed to think of an equally flirty comeback. "You're insatiable, Elena." He teases, brushing my hair down with his fingers.

I take his hand from my face and kiss his palm, "Only with you, Stefan."

His emerald eyes watch my lips kiss his fingers again and just as that frequency starts to rev up, Stefan stands – closing his eyes for a moment. With a wicked smile and eyes shining brightly in the morning sun, he puts his hands on his hips and says "You've got to get dressed for work and I've got to get away from you… otherwise we may not get out of this bedroom all day."

I just smile and curl up into the pillow he slept on – it's all I can do. I cannot remember ever waking up so happy! I finally get my Allie back! I may even get to read my journals! I am so in love with his green eyes and Roman face and deep voice…

I watch him slip on his running shoes, bending at the waist and pulling each leg up to his chest – perfect balance and fluid movements – I'm in awe by his athletic body. He gives me a quick kiss on my forehead, heads to the door and says "I'll see you at the office."

It's just normal – us being like this… it's so nice and comfortable… and he's supposed to move to Dallas.

"Don't leave!" It just comes out – bluntly and blurted from my lips with a desperation in my voice that makes me blush.

Stefan stops, holding the door open, "Elena, I have to." He laughs, "I haven't hunted in a couple of days and you really did a number on me."

I shake my head, push my hair behind my ears, "Don't go to Dallas. Stay with me?" I'm terrified of the thought of him leaving me, of losing this amazing man that I love.

Stefan's smile is almost biblical – it moves me and melts me and inspires me to make him smile like that more often. "Elena," He looks at me like I'm silly, gives a little shrug of his shoulders, "how could I leave you? You own me."

The morning is quite cool for the end of August and I move quickly from the parking garage and its wind tunnel-like design as my white and lime green dress is not much help against the chill in the air. I could've asked Caroline for a jacket, but when we crossed-paths this morning in the kitchen of Stefan's apartment there was a definite awkwardness between us that wasn't there last night. It could've just been my imagination, I guess. She was sitting on the counter, drinking blood from a hospital bag and the sight was repulsive – I'm not great at keeping a straight face… I'm sure she could see how disgusted I was. Not to mention her knowing glare – I'd just made incredibly passionate love with her boyfriend of 2+ years. The pre-vampire Caroline from my memories would have been irate! The Vampire Caroline I remember would have ripped my throat out! It's an understatement to say that I was terrified! As quickly as I could, I collected my things, wrote out a quick note for Stefan, then got out of there.

Entering the lobby of my apartment I'm still on edge and distracted and I walk directly into this girl on her way out. She's stout – just a bit thicker that I am, we're probably the same age and height, she's maybe a few years younger - but the centrifugal force knocks me down while she stays on her feet.

It was like I walked into a brick wall!

"Oh my gosh, I am so sorry!" I try apologizing as I make my way to my feet, but she's glowering at me. Flipping her long blonde hair off of her shoulders, she takes a step towards me – very aggressive. I step back, confused… I'm the one who ended up on my ass while she didn't even look to be affected. I try again though I don't sound quite as apologetic now that I'm feeling a bit irritated with her rudeness. "I wasn't looking where I was going, I'm very sorry."

Staying silent, she looks me over as her glare softens – she purses her full lips and gives me her best mean-girl smirk as I feel for my cell phone inside of my bag. "You are as ignorant as you are useless."

I don't know why having some stranger insult me with a refined British accent scorns me so, but it does – it really bothers me. Luckily I don't have to worry with it much longer as the bad-mannered girl gives me a vicious smile, and then leaves me in the lobby to stew.

CAROLINE's POV

There's a strange feeling between us now that he and Elena have reconciled. Don't get me wrong, I completely understand – I'd go back to Klaus in a millisecond if I could, but Klaus is vampire while Elena is human and she's mortal and Stefan, no matter how good he is, is and always will carry a darkness.

I'm sitting on his bed when the shower water turns off and moments later a naked, un-ashamed Stefan enters the bedroom we've somewhat-shared for a few years now. Closing the bathroom door behind him to contain the steam of his shower, Stefan gives me a quick glance before running his towel roughly across his face and wet head of hair – just that tiny moment of eye contact and I know he knows what I'm going to say. He doesn't stop me; that in and of its self lets me know that he agrees with me.

"This is dangerous, Stefan." I'm not trying to talk him out of it – I guess I just want to make sure he's aware of what he's getting himself, and Elena, into.

He responds too quickly, letting me know he'd prepared his side of this debate before the morning broke, "No one knows I'm alive, Caroline. Other than you and I, no other vampires know that she's even in Wilmington."

Flipping Elena's note over in my hands – I read it, of course – my rational/vampire side is fighting with the seventeen year old romantic girl that's inside of me and trying to decide if I'm going to give him the letter, at all. Stefan drops the towel on the carpet and disappears into his closet. I speak louder, "What's your plan then? How long are you going to stick around?"

I already know the answer.

Now in a pair of dark blue jeans and a grey button up, Stefan leaves his closet and begins to work on his hair – delaying his response I am sure.

I sigh, aggravated, and snap at him with a cynical voice "She's got a kid to think about too, Stefan."

When his head quickly turns my way, those eyes of his infuriated, I regret my tone of voice immediately. Sometimes, times like this, I forget that I'm a vampire too and just feel intimidated by him. It's always been so odd to me how Stefan can be this humane, caring, moral man one second and the monster of all monsters the next.

"You think I've forgot that Elena has _my_ daughter, Caroline?" Turning to face me, his voice is quiet – dark. "I haven't gone a second without thinking of _our_ daughter since I found out Elena was pregnant. This isn't easy for me, Caroline. I know - I know I should leave. I need to pack up and leave now, _yesterday even_!" Shaking his head, he shrugs with a frustrated exhale. "But I can't. Caroline, I can't. I love Elena and I love Allie without ever even meeting her." Stefan pauses and I see the pain wash over his face – he's torn. "I'm in too deep now. I just can't."

Really and truly, I get it. I hate it for Elena and I hate it for him because no good can come of them getting back together, but if the tables were turned, I'd do the same thing – I'd stay.

Extending my hand to him, I give a friendly smile and feel a little relieved when he comes to the bed and sits next to me. He's my best friend in the world – my only family - I'm going to miss him terribly. "She left you a note."

I smile at his ridiculousness when he stares at the paper in my hand like it's a Dear John or something. "Stefan. Surely after all that last night you can't be worried she's changed her mind." His expression softens and I can't help but mock. "Oh Stefan, Yes, yes, Stefan, Oh God." When he gives a smiling frown, rubs his hand across his face, I know I've got Good Stefan back from his darkness. "Just read it."

I lay my head on his shoulder while he reads the three sentences that Elena wrote as she scurried out of the door acting like I was going to eat her!

_Pack a bag. You're coming home with me & I'm leaving right after work. I want you to meet Allie.  
xoxo – Elena_

"I packed a bag for you while you were in the shower." Stefan kisses my hair and puts his arm around my shoulders, resting his head on top of mine – he knows this is our goodbye, too. "I almost forgot what you looked like when you're with her." I sound sad. I guess I am. I'm losing Stefan and I do love him in some strange mix of boyfriend, sibling, friend, and mentor. However, I can't deny the way Stefan comes alive with Elena. All of the time they were together everyone thought Stefan was saving Elena after losing her parents, from tomb vampires and Katherine, from Klaus and the Originals…

…the truth is Elena saves Stefan.

"You don't have to leave, Caroline." He squeezes his arm around me a little; it's nice to know that he's sad about this ending too.

"I do. I need to get busy living and traveling and doing things. I've only got eternity!" I try a laugh even though we both know that the real reason I can't stick around is because I'm still heartbroken over Klaus and that's why Stefan and I worked – we were a set of broken things that made sense when put together.

I feel Stefan's hand brush down my hair and he kisses my head again – Caroline and Stefan are officially over.

I miss Klaus.

ELENA's POV

Checking my phone, I'm getting kind of worried – I haven't heard from Stefan since he left for his run this morning and it doesn't feel right for him to be late for work. We've got a conference at nine and it's 8:46. Distracted, I decide to check with Jennifer – maybe he's called in for a vacation day. Maybe he's decided that I'm not that great afterall and Dallas seems like a better option.

The moment I exit my office I hear Jennifer give this giggly laugh; rounding the corner into the lobby, I catch her intently gazing up at a man standing in front of her desk. He is really attractive, for some reason I think of Elijah – maybe it's the light skin tone in such contrast with his dark eyes – but I quickly shake the thought from my mind when he turns to me as I enter the room and I'm met with his kind smile. This guy is the exact opposite of Jen's boyfriend, Liam, who's kind of dingy and tattooed. There is something about this guy, the way his eyes trail over me like he's looking for something in particular that makes my skin crawl.

"Um, Jennifer," I don't know why I'm thrown off while under his pressing gaze, but my heart is beating faster now. It's got to be the Elijah resemblance. "Have you… did –"

"Hold on, Elena." Jennifer holds her finger up to me without looking my way. I'm interrupting her flirting, I guess. Only because I'm not one-hundred percent sure about the levels of management at Paestum Publishing – am I her boss? Is Stefan mine? I have no clue – I refrain from reprimanding her no matter how badly I want to. I listen for a moment; Jennifer is giving him directions somewhere and he's looking at her then looking at me and I'm just trying not to cringe. I hear my cell phone ring and thank God for the escape.

"Hello?" I answered my phone without even looking at the ID – just glad to be away from that guy and back in my office.

"Mommy!" Allie's voice is excited and sweet – my cheeks hurt from the wide smile that takes over my face. "Hi Mommy!" I can hear Matt telling her to give him the phone.

"Hey little lady! I can't wait to see you!"

"I miss you, Mommy! When are coming home?" I've talked to Allie on the phone atleast twice a day since I left her with Bonnie a week ago today, but it still feels like I've been on the moon – a million miles away from her.

I miss her horribly, it's gut-wrenching – I say through my weepy smile, "I'm leaving right after work, but it will be late when I get there so I won't see you until in the morning."

"In the morning?" She sounds so disappointed. "Daddy, can I stay up and wait for Mommy?"

I start to try and explain but I can hear the phone changing hands and Allie's chipmunk-like voice is quickly replaced by Matt's. "Hey."

I've been keeping my conversations with him, Bonnie, and Jeremy very short – I don't think I can talk to them for long without confronting them about their lies and I want to look them in the eye when it all goes down. "Hey."

"So you're coming up tonight, then?"

"I'm going to Mystic Falls tonight, actually. With Jeremy and I selling the house I want to go through it once more to make sure I have everything. I'll be by to get Allie in the morning, though. I just figure it will be nearly midnight when I get to Charlottesville; may as well wait til the morning." My tone is somewhat clipped, I'm sure Matt senses that I'm mad.

"Yea, that's fine." He swallows, clears his throat, "I was, um. With your birthday next weekend… do you want to meet for dinner? The three of us and Bonnie and Jeremy?"

No. I do not. "Maybe. We'll see. I'll let you know."

Matt clears his throat again, nervous, "Yea, okay, so you're going to call me in the morning then?"

I hear Stefan's office door open and the anger I feel for Matt is washed away by Stefan's presence.

STEFAN's POV

The gravity surrounds me the instant Elena steps into my office – I'm gathering the manuscripts I need for our meeting and trying to find my cell phone charger, running late leaves me kind of frazzled - but the instant she's near I sense her and my mind clears. I love her.

I look up at her and smile when my eyes find her beautiful face. She's wearing a snug fitting black skirt that stops just above her knees and a white top that's unbuttoned at the collar – it's very 'sexy librarian', the way she's got her hair tied up along with those crimson red heels from the gala. Elena lets me look her over – I think she may even be posing a bit and the thought makes me hungry for her.

I know we've got the same kind of thoughts running through our minds when she closes the distance between us quickly – walking directly into my arms and I kiss her like I haven't seen her in years, holding her tightly against me with my arms wrapped completely around her waist. The kissing gets harder and more passionate when I pin her against my desk and she starts to unbutton my shirt. Something falls to the floor, clattering against the hardwood, as she slides onto the desktop and my mouth finds its way to her neck.

She laughs – it's a beautiful, captivating sound. "Stefan. We can't! Not here!" As she's protesting her hands are un-tucking my shirt from my pants so I continue.

I push the rest of the clutter off of my desk with my arm in a quick sweeping motion and lay her back – this is extreme and sexy and a fantasy held by every single man on Earth since the creation of desks. My hands are pushing up the fabric of her skirt, my mouth working at her chest and neck and she's half moaning, half laughing when Robert knocks loudly on the door frame of my office.

Elena and I freeze – she falls deathly silent – and we look up at our boss, Robert Dexter, standing in the open doorway.

Elena's heart races and I feel her tense beneath me, but I can see on Robert's face that he's kind of amused. I've known him for going on two years – he's kind of an easy going guy and if he's anything like the type of manuscripts he champions, he's a bit of a romantic. Just before he speaks, I'm pretty sure I spot a smile threatening at the corners of his mouth. "Break it up you two. We've got work to do."

I bite my lip to keep from smiling back at him – I love this girl and to be honest, If I want to have her there is nothing that will stop me. Robert doesn't stick around. Just as soon as he finishes his sentence he's gone. Elena's hands cover her blushing face and she laughs – that laugh, it's consuming me – I love her.

Pushing myself off of her, I begin to straighten myself up – tuck my shirt back in, button it up. Elena sits up and smooths the fabric of her skirt. Our eyes keep finding each other – its sweet and kind of shy and I love her. Unable to resist, I run my fingertips through her silky hair, cup her face with my hands and kiss her softly. Last night, this morning – her asking me to stay, asking me to meet Allie – it's everything I've ever wanted. Elena can't possibly know how happy she's made me.

Pulling away from our kiss, I look at her and smile – wish I could explain how much she means to me, but I settle for kissing her forehead, then help her off the desk.

"Where were you?" I must look like I need more information because she continues. "You're late."

"I got your note." Shoving my hands deep into my pockets, I shrug and look at the floor trying to hid the grin on my face. "I went by Target and got some things for the drive." I nod to a plastic bag sitting on the floor, just a few feet from Elena. I'm sure she can see that it's mostly kid stuff and figure that's why she reaches for the bag, looks through it with wide eyes and a suppressed smile.

"Stefan." She looks up at me trying to be firm, but really she's not hiding her amusement very well as her eyes are sparkling. "The coloring books and snacks are a great idea, even the doll, but a Nintendo DS? That's way too expensive."

I shrug, shake my head. I'm so happy, ecstatic about getting to actually meet Allie - The amount of anxiety that I feel is tenfold. I keep thinking that she's not going to like me. I mean, I have zero experience with kids, little girls especially. I read classic literature and drink animal blood – what could we possibly talk about?

Elena sits the bag on my desk and comes to me, slips her hands around my waist and gives me a soft, sweet kiss. "She's going to love you, Stefan. Okay?"

I nod even though I know I'm not pulling off the confident guy act very well.

I've been waiting almost 200 years to have a family. I've waited 6 years to be with Elena like this. I've waited 4 years to meet my daughter… I'm terrified.

ELENA's POV

After our meeting this morning, when Stefan and Robert got into a pretty heated debate over a manuscript that Stefan wants published and Robert wants reworked, Stefan's been in a funk. It doesn't bother me, really. I like seeing these different sides of him, learning how passionate he is about his authors and their work - I love it. Their semi-argument lasted well past our meeting – they even went to lunch together to discuss. The consensus that they came to was that I would read it and give input from a female perspective at next week's meeting. I don't know if Stefan came up with that idea or Robert, but he seems to be happy with it and now that we're on the road he's loosening up.

We stopped for gas and snacks – even had an awkward little moment where Stefan picked out my drink and granola bar while I used the restroom. I kind of laid into him about it… I don't like that he knows so much about me while I'm still in the dark. He's a good sport though – putting the bottle of Smart Water back in the cooler and returning the almond granola bar to its box. I felt like a brat when I met him in the checkout line holding the same bottle of Smart Water and the damn almond granola bar – he just gave me that champion smile of his and a quick kiss on my cheek.

He's speeding – going much too fast in this sports car and weaving through traffic but I'm having a great time. The windows are down and I have his blue baseball cap on to help restrain my hair from the warm wind. Stefan's hand is resting high up on my thigh and his thumb is keeping beat with the Neon Tree's song he has blasting. I feel young and I feel loved. For the first time in forever I feel like a girl in love on a summer afternoon! Summer feels like summer! When the chorus kicks in and Stefan scrunches up his face, gives his best rock star impersonation as he sings along I laugh uncontrollably. He's beautiful and I love him. When the lyrics say "_and that was when I kissed her_" he leans over and kisses my neck.

Playful Stefan – exactly what my life has been missing!

Wow, I love this man.

BONNIE's POV

Ever since I learned about the evil this world holds I have been a light sleeper. When I was a kid, just ignorant and naive and innocent, I could sleep through anything! I'm a witch and the darkness is my friend, but it's also pretty helpful to the more malicious side of the supernatural world. The moment the bed rocks from Jeremy sitting up, my eyes open and my heart is in my throat. It's got to be almost one in the morning – nothing good comes from a phone call at this time of night.

"Yes – No, no one. – Upstairs? – Yea. Okay – I'll check it out. – Thanks, Mr. Rhodes"

When he stands, I turn over to face him just as he flips on the light. "What's wrong?"

Slipping on his tee shirt, then jeans, Jeremy looks a little worried, but more sleepy than anything else. "That was Mr. Rhodes, he lives next door to my parents' house. Apparently there is a strange car parked outside and one of the lights upstairs is on."

I frown at him, sitting up with a rush of adrenaline. "And what are you doing? Just call the police, Jer."

He goes into the closet to put on his shoes. "It's probably nothing, babe." He can be so thick-headed sometimes… when he comes out of the closet he's carrying his crossbow and I glare at him.

"Nothing doesn't need a cross-bow!"

"It's precautionary, Bon." I get out of bed and reach for my hoodie – there is no way I'm letting him go by himself.

ELENA's POV

"Are you sure you're okay? We can go…"

Stefan keeps stretching his neck, rubbing his temples – he didn't do well during his hunt this morning and he's fighting off a headache from hunger. It kind of worries me how he won't stand near me, keeps looking away or pretending to be interested in the contents of a box or bag. We've been looking through the attic at my parents' house for close to an hour and I think he's really starting to have trouble.

"I'm fine. Let's just keep looking." His voice sounds dry and he responds without looking at me. I know I shouldn't ask right now – I couldn't have chosen a worse time to get curious, but my brain sends the words to my mouth before I can stop them.

"Have you ever fed from me?"

He's kneeling on the floor, in the middle of going through a box of what appears to be some school stuff my mom kept of mine and Jeremy's. Stefan stops moving as soon as my words are in the air. I watch his neck tense. "Yes."

I think about it – try to remember anything that relates. The best I can come up with is when I would prick my finger and let him drink tiny amounts in order to stay as strong as the vampires he was fighting. Still yet, I feel a tingling at the curve of my neck and my fingers instinctively move to touch it, protect it. "From my neck?" I tell myself to shut up. Just stop it – but when he gives a slow nod, my mouth opens again. "Did I cry?"

He exhales, rests his arms on the sides of the cardboard box, rocks his head back and forth then pops his neck. "The first time."

"The _first_ time?" What in the hell? He fed off of me more than once? Putting the photo albums back into the cedar chest, I move to Stefan and take a seat beside him on the floor. I need to know more…

"Elena." Stefan turns away from me a bit – his saying of my name supposed to be a warning – somehow I know he won't hurt me.

"Why did I cry? Tell me." He just shakes his head. Stefan's brow is deeply furrowed and that beautiful mouth of his a straight line on his face. I want to stop pressing him about it, but I have to know - by the looks of things I'm not going to find my journal's and he's the only person willing to tell me the truth.

When I open my mouth to ask another question, Stefan's head snaps towards me, his eyes cut to the exit. "Wha-" He presses his hand over my mouth before I can ask him _what?_

I must be looking at him like he's crazy, but then I hear it – someone is in the house.

BONNIE's POV

_Just stay in the car. _

I tried to listen to Jeremy and stay in the car, but he wasn't in the house for more than a few minutes before I just couldn't control myself. There is a dark grey brand new Ford Mustang parked in front of the house and the light to Elena's bedroom is on. Why would anyone want to break into Elena's bedroom unless they are looking for the doppelganger? I know it's Katherine or Rebekah – maybe Elijah – either way, it's bad and I can help against vampires so I'm not going to sit out here and let Jeremy take them on alone.

The house is dark – like really dark – but I spent many many years coming and going in this house with Elena and it's easy for me to find the stairs. I know which steps creak when they are stepped on, being careful to skip them as I ascend to the second floor. I know that the banister rocks a bit at the very top so I don't touch it – hugging my arms to my body. Coming to the top of the stairs, I can see in Elena's room as the light is on, but her parents room to the right is dark and Jeremy's room down the hall can't be seen from here.

I whisper as quietly as I can – "Jeremy?" Tiptoe past Elena's room. "Jeremy?"

Looking into Jeremy's old bedroom, the light is off but it's dimly lit by the street lights coming in through the windows on each side of his bed – I can see it's empty. I exhale a nervous breath as I step through the door and start towards the jack-and-jill bathroom Jeremy and Elena shared.

JEREMY's POV

Just as I thought the house was clear, I hear a footstep and now my heart is beating so hard I can barely hear a thing. I've killed vampires before – hell I've decapitated hybrids… but its been a long time and I must be out of practice because my nerves are shot.

My best guess, it's in my bedroom – unless its Damon Salvatore or Caroline Forbes, there is no way that it would know that there is a bathroom connecting Elena's room to mine, so that's going to be my best chance at staking it.

I wish this damn light was off. I'd have a much better advantage if I could stalk my way through the bathroom and into my old bedroom, but I'm just going to have to take it by surprise by leaning against the door frame and jumping out – ready to shoot.

BONNIE's POV

I'm holding my breath. My hands are shaking as I turn the knob to the bathroom door. I almost have the door pulled away from the frame – nearly completely soundless – but the door sticks just the slightest and what would be a quiet scratching of wood on wood sounds more like a gun shot in the thick silence of this house.

I hold the door in place for a moment.

I can't stop now. If there is something on the other side of this door then it's fully aware where I am at so I may as well continue.

I know what's happening the instant I see Jeremy pivoting into my line of sight, his cross bow aimed directly at me. If I wasn't already holding my breath I would gasp – I'm frozen and can't scream… I don't have time. The string of the bow snaps and I see the wooden bolt coming at me – its streaming right at my face… I am going to die.

I am going to die.

I am going to die.

The next thing I know I am on the ground, the air knocked out of my lungs and I finally scream – there are strong hands gripping my upper arms and a heavy body laying on top of me. I scream and kick and punch as I try to wiggle out from beneath this body that has saved my life and is attacking me at the same time.

I hear Jeremy call my name and I'm still screaming – "Get off of me! GET OFF! JEREMY! GET HIM OFF!" I'm still kicking, nearly out from underneath the attacker, my legs tangled up with theirs, when the light flips on.

Jeremy calls my name again – "Bonnie!"

I kick once more and I'm free. I scurry across the floor and curl up against Jeremy's bed – the attacker is on his stomach and there's a wooden stake in his back. He's not moving.


	9. Chapter 9

CHAPTER 9 – THE BROKEN  
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BONNIE's POV

I wish I could say that I am in shock. I'm not.

I mean, I am shaking and upset – riding a high rush of adrenaline from seeing my life flash before my eyes as the wooden bolt of Jeremy's crossbow flew directly at me, then my kicking and screaming reaction to being pinned on the floor beneath his body weight – but it doesn't take me long to recognize the long, muscular frame of Stefan Salvatore.

When Jeremy drops his crossbow on the floor, I jump at the clattering sound, instinctively crawling further away from Stefan as Jeremy moves quickly – kneeling beside Stefan just as he releases an animal-like growl that may actually be him saying Jeremy's name, but he does not move. Jeremy gives me a quick glance – cutting his wide, brown eyes towards me, looking for some kind of permission.

I wish I could say that I am in shock when I nod – I am not in shock. I am fully aware of what Jeremy is asking me and I am of sound body and mind when I nod _yes, finish him off_.

I've had my fill of vampires and werewolves and hybrids.

Elena is just getting back on her feet and the last thing she needs is Stefan coming back into her life. Don't get me wrong – I'm curious as to how he's here at all! But I am not going to keep him alive long enough to ask.

Pulling a second wooden bolt from his pocket, I don't look away when Jeremy rears back – his fist tightly around the bolt pulled high in the air. I want to see Stefan die. This time Jeremy will not miss his heart.

ELENA's POV

It was like a scene from a movie!

I nearly jumped down the folding stairs from the attic when I heard Bonnie screaming, I sprinted down the hall; turning into Jeremy's bedroom and finding my brother with a stake in his hand – held high above his head – aimed directly for Stefan's back. I didn't stop running – it was instinctual to protect Stefan – and I tackled my baby brother, who is twice my size, with full force.

Jeremy was so focused on staking Stefan that he didn't hear me coming – but I heard him.

_Sorry, Stefan…_

Just before my hands grabbed his arm and my body collided with his – that's what Jeremy said, _Sorry, Stefan._ There was no mistake in identity – no confusion and no threat. Stefan was laying motionless on the floor with a stake in his back! Jeremy was going to kill Stefan and it would not have been an accident.

Kneeling beside Stefan where Jeremy had once been, I am furious, shaking with anger and can't control my hands, but Stefan needs me to remove the stake.

"Just do it, Elena." He groans, his hands in tight fists on the floor on each side of his head. "I can't move until it's out – it's too close to my heart."

Registering his words – the stake _nearly_ pierced his heart - I glare at Jeremy and Bonnie, now standing a distance from Stefan and I, both wearing the expressions of children awaiting their punishment.

Focusing on Stefan, I'll deal with my _family_ in a moment; I try to be gentle as I wrap my fingers around the dowel-like wood protruding from Stefan's grey shirt. The moment I touch it, he winces and grunts loudly through clenched teeth. I jerk my hand away – I don't want to hurt him.

"Stefan, I…" What am I going to say I'm sorry that the stake my brother shot through your back is hurting you? I'm sorry that my brother, fully aware of who you were, attempted to stake you a second time?

"I'll do it." Jeremy takes a few steps my way and I can't believe he actually thinks I would let him touch Stefan.

"Jeremy!" It's a warning. Yes, my little brother is no longer little and it would take atleast two of me to make one of him, but there is something between us that keeps the pecking order with me on top. I am his older sister and size difference or no, he'd better not test me. Stopping in his tracks, Jeremy gets it and gives a huff in protest.

"Elena, please!" Stefan's voice is raw and there is sweat beading up on his forehead. It's evident in his grimaced face and blood shot eyes that he's in incredible pain.

I reach for the stake again, but my hands stop just short. "I don't want to hurt you!"

He inhales a ragged breath, his forehead pressed against the floor when he speaks. "It's hurting me _now_! Please, Elena, just pull it out."

I inhale deeply and hold my breath, my lungs ache from the stretching capacity. Squinting my eyes just as I feel the stake against my palm – I hold it tightly and pull straight up. I swear to you, the force pulls Stefan's chest off of the floor and he gives this loud, deep cry as it exits his body.

For a few seconds, my eyes are stuck on the bloody weapon in my hand and all I hear is Stefan's rough breathing. I jump when Stefan's fist cracks loudly on the floor; it's a release of aggression that leaves the planks of hardwood flooring that he punched splintered and broken. I watch him morphing into another person. He uses his fists against the hardwood to balance and his long legs quickly push himself off of the floor. Standing, he looks down at me - he's no longer my sweet, loving, Stefan.

There is no sign of his grass green iris' – moving from me to Jeremy and Bonnie are burning, crimson eyes. Just below the skin of his cheek bones are dark red, nearly black veins fading in and out of sight. I watch the pink flesh of his tongue run across his snow white, perfectly formed top teeth, grazing the razor sharp white fangs as his upper lip curls back. Jeremy steps in front of Bonnie, using his body to protect her, he's looking at Stefan with wide, fearful eyes – but I am not afraid. I don't know why this monster in front of me doesn't scare me, but I have full faith in Stefan even as he slowly moves towards Jeremy, shoulders tight and back bowed a bit.

Less the waggling of his fingers at his sides, Stefan stands motionless in front of Jeremy who's cowering away from him. If it were possible, I think he and Bonnie would have burst into flames from Stefan's intense stare. When he extends his open hand to Jeremy, somehow Jeremy knows what Stefan is wanting and quickly hands over three wooden stakes.

With a nod, Stefan turns towards me and his face is clear again – I feel myself relax, hear Bonnie exhale loudly. I had no concerns that Stefan would kill Jeremy and Bonnie, but Jeremy kind of deserves to get his ass kicked for this… _Sorry, Stefan._

"I need to go outside, Elena." I can see it in his dilated pupils and hear it in his dry throat – the way each word is formed with choppy cadence– Stefan hasn't ate in days and his anger and his wound are making being around us humans very difficult.

His control, his incredibly dominant persona – I have to suppress a smile from coming to my face as I am so proud of Stefan. Anyone else, vampire or no, would have lost it. They would have torn into their attacker, my little brother, without batting an eye. But not Stefan Salvatore, my Stefan – I love him.

I nod that I understand and Stefan quickly leaves the room, heads down the stairs. I'm lost in my thoughts of appreciation for Stefan when Bonnie's voice cuts through the silence.

"Are you kidding me, Elena?" She steps in front of Jeremy, throws her arms up in the air as if I've somehow upset her! I'm in awe of her audacity! "So that's why you broke up with Matt and moved to North Carolina? For a vampire!"

I fake surprise – wide sarcastic eyes and a gaping mouth. "_A_ vampire?" I do my best to accentuate A. "That vampire that you tried to murder has saved my life more times that I can count! Stefan has saved _all of our lives_, Bonnie! He's not _A_ vampire!"

She scrunches up her face and yells back, "That doesn't give you any right to sneak off! And if you're so proud of your _vampire_ why have you been lying about all of this? Your job – moving away!"

I've never wanted to hit her before.

I turn away a bit, look at the floor – if Stefan can keep from attacking Jeremy after nearly killing him I can make it through this confrontation. Through gritted teeth I say, "That's a funny thing for _you_ to bring up to _me_, Bon-E."

Bonnie opens her mouth to respond but my words register in her mind and nothing comes from her lips – I see her eyes cloud. My best friend's face loses the edge of anger and is slowly turning into something more apologetic, guilty.

Jeremy says my name and I instantly fill with anger for him – "And you, my own brother. Lying to me about all of this? Why Jeremy? I've been dead inside for years and no one thought to fill me in as to why? You just let me suffer! You just let me writhe in some unknown depression, let me think I was going insane!"

"We were worried about Allie." His voice is strained. Jeremy has been compelled so I know that he understands what I am saying. All those dark and depressing feelings without any single memory to attribute it to – I've been grieving for Stefan, desolate without him for years and didn't even know it.

I shake my head, "No, don't use my daughter in this. You compelled me – okay, I get that you did it to keep me from having trouble during my pregnancy." I raise my pointed finger at him, at them both. I hate how my loud voice is telling of the tears in my eyes, but I can't help it and continue to scream at them - "But you've had over three years to tell me what happened – to clue me in as to why I've been broken for so long and you did _nothing_. You stood there and you lied to me – over and over you've lied to me! You just stood there and you watched me dying a little more every day and you. did. nothing." As I say the words and I recall Jeremy's _Sorry Stefan_, I finally understand their reasoning. "You hate him so much, just because of what he is – what he can't help being! You hate him so much that you let me pay the price of your hatred so you two could get rid of him."

I turn to leave – afraid I'm about to lose my strong-girl act and start sobbing in front of them. Nearly to the stairs, Bonnie follows me and her argument, her only response is, "Elena, he's a monster!"

Stopping on the second stair, I feel my fingers grip the handrail tightly and my reply slips from my lips in a hateful, vile tone – "And you're a witch, Bonnie – stop pretending like you're better than him, you're not."

STEFAN's POV

Even though I am trying not to listen to their argument, Elena's voice is loud and I'm having trouble ignoring it as it's the only thing keeping my mind off of the pain in my back, radiating through my chest. That piercing, splintering ache was like déjà vu. Too much like what I experienced in Rome – so much like it that I nearly lost my control with Jeremy. Had it been just the accidental crossbow bolt in my back I think it would have been easier to keep from ripping into him – but the fact that he was actually planning on killing me – that bullshit apology just before Elena entered the room, that's what set me off. If Elena hadn't been there, if he'd been anyone other than Jeremy Gilbert, I'd be full of his blood and sitting here in the pitch black night experiencing that rush of pleasure that only blood can deliver. The slack joint, reverberating, warm feeling that is only surpassed by making love with Elena. Don't get me wrong – I love Elena for a million reasons. She's brilliant, selfless, quick-witted, innocent, loving, beautiful… but the pure ecstasy of her is what pulled me in - the only thing I've found in this world that I crave more than blood is Elena. Not just sexual… her laugh, her voice, those eyes, the way she looks at me like she's proud of me… it's every ounce of her that I adore.

When I hear her coming down the stairs, the screen door slapping shut as she exits, I toss the bolt into the passenger side floor board of my car and get out. I can't be in this car with her, not like this – I'm starving, famished.

I don't mean to – I don't want to worry her - but my body aches as I exit the drivers seat and an uncontrollable groan escapes my mouth. Until I feed this wound is going to be slow healing. Elena's voice saying my name is barely audible through my rash breathing and the blood pumping through my body at an alarming rate. I feel her hands against my shoulders, then my chest, as she pushes me upright. My weight is against the car but I'm having trouble standing without hunching over – the close range of Jeremy's crossbow sent that stake nearly through my body and it was maybe half an inch from my heart. I can feel my lung trying to repair the puncture the bolt left in it – too much like Rome.

"Stefan, I am so sorry." She's using her body to help hold me up, her hands cupping my face though I keep trying to look away from her as I can feel the bitter-sweet ache in my gums growing stronger. "What can I do?"

The most rational part of me wishes she'd move away.

At the same time I like having her near – the human side of me likes having her caring for me, holding me. The vampire inside of me likes her being so close, as well, but it's because I can smell her blood. I can hear it just below her skin – flowing through her veins, the thumping of Elena's heart may as well be a lullaby to my ears.

I swallow though my mouth is as dry as sandpaper, my throat threatens to stick together - "I need to go." When I take a step away from her, my leg gives beneath me and I start to slide down the door panel. Thankfully, I didn't get more than a few inches from Elena and she uses her arms to pull me back to her and her body pressed against mine to keep me in place.

She struggles for a moment before I'm pinned against the car by her warm, svelte, blood-filled body. Elena takes my face in her hands again and forces me to look at her. "Stefan," before she even speaks I can see it in her clear, sharp gaze. I'm so sure that I know what she's about to say that I feel saliva begin to seep from beneath my tongue, wetting my dry mouth just as her lips part to speak. "Drink from me."

ELENA's POV

I should be paying better attention to the road – it's very dark and the highway to the Salvatore Boarding House is quite rural and Stefan is kind of ridiculous about this car – but I can't stop thinking about my Vacation Bible School teacher, Mrs. Opal Fell. My eyes keep drifting out of focus – the white lines blurring and my hands directing this vehicle as if I've driven down this road a hundred times…

I'll never forget Mrs. Fell – she was in her late sixties and I was maybe nine. With her short, curled, cotton white hair and thin, nearly transparent skin, I remember thinking she had to be close to a hundred! My young, silly self figured that's how she knew so much about the bible… she was so old she might have lived during the times of Babylon and Kings and public crucifixions! She wasn't extra sweet or extra cruel, but I'll remember Mrs. Fell because she told us the best stories from the Bible.

While the other teachers at Sunday school would give us the inspirational tales of David & Goliath, Noah and his ark and all the animals, Mrs. Fell read to us the stories of death and war and bloodshed – all very scandalous to the eyes and ears of a bunch of 3rd graders. I can remember Caroline being too scared to go to her class with us – I can see Bonnie's wide hazel eyes looking at old Mrs. Fell and listening intently. I'll never forget Mrs. Fell because she told me of Satan – of Lucifer.

"Oh Lucifer was God's favorite angel," She said in that southern sway of a voice that she had. "God gave him many gifts and many talents. Lucifer was the most beautiful of all of God's angels!"

At nine years old, I thought that was the most ridiculous thing I'd ever heard – Satan being beautiful – that was the most absurd tale Mrs. Fell had ever told us and the old lady had told some crazy stories! I can even hear myself disagreeing – what a tiny voice I had, still a little raspy but much higher pitched, _"Monsters are not pretty, Mrs. Fell."_

Now at twenty-four, I finally get it.

Maybe it's the final nail in the coffin – proof that I have lost my mind – but when I offered my blood to Stefan and I watched his face turn, completely vamp out within seconds, I found myself looking at him not with fear in my eyes, but desire – a deep appreciation of his terrifyingly alluring face. Somehow, the deep crimson that took over the leaf green eyes that I find myself daydreaming about stole my breath away – the redness filling the whites of his eyes seemed to accentuate his long, soft lashes that lay heavy from his eye lids. The way those veins rippled in and out of view just below the smooth skin of his face – just threatening enough to make the muscles in my body clench with the same kind of fear one would experience on a rollercoaster – it's not real, you know you're not going to get hurt, but it is exhilarating! Maybe I've seen him look like that before? I can't say… but even his full lips seemed to be softer as they curled back from the protruding fangs.

Stefan, even when he is a monster, is beautiful, absolutely stunning.

I pressed my wrist to his mouth and he argued back, turning his face and telling me no. Taking both of my hands in his, forcefully pushing my arms to my sides. His restraint did nothing but motivate me to continue. He was hurting, bleeding and struggling – there was no way he could hunt like that – he had no choice. At least that's what I was going to say if anyone asked me why I was forcing myself on him – because I wanted to help him. And that's true, I did. But deep down inside of me, secretly hiding behind my darkest and naughtiest desires is the real reason… the thought of my blood inside of Stefan's body sets me on fire! I wanted to be his life source the way he has become mine! I wanted to flow through every fiber of Stefan Salvatore in the same way he courses through my muscles and my nerves and tingles through my skin.

I can't believe he resisted! Honestly, I'm a little heart broken by his extreme control while at the same time I have never been more proud of Stefan, _my vampire_ as Bonnie called him.

I wonder what she thinks about him now?

Standing on the porch of my childhood home, she and Jeremy had a birds-eye view of just how amazing Stefan is. I wonder how she feels about _my vampire _after watching us. I wonder what she thinks about crazy Elena now! After seeing me trying to force a starving, injured vampire to feed – offering him blood from my wrist, then once he had pinned my arms down, seeing me toss my hair back from shoulder and lean my open neck into him. My vampire, my Stefan wanted me, wanted my blood. I felt his shaky breath against the sensitive skin just at the curve of my neck – shivered when I felt his warm mouth kiss, then suck at my unbroken skin. Even the sharp scrape of his fangs against me turned me on… I know, it sounds crazy – but it was so hot, so erotic – ten times as sensual when he pulled away and kissed my cheek, denying me the pleasure of giving myself to him. Tantric, that's the word, prolonged and delayed pleasure – I cannot wait to see him as I'm liquefying with the thoughts of having him all over me.

When the tires of Stefan's Mustang crunch into the gravel driveway, I slow down and try to look out into the dark woods for any sign of Stefan. Going to hunt, he left me his keys and asked me to meet him here once I finished with Bonnie and Jeremy. It didn't take long to _finish_ with them – they didn't have much of an argument and I'd lost all of my anger for them to my want for Stefan.

Bonnie paused, almost denied having my journals when I told her I wanted them back – but after a long moment of us staring one another down, she nodded, conceding. She's going to get my things and bring them to Stefan's once it's daylight. I know Bonnie, she's going to try and reconcile when she comes over – right now, I can't say I'm interested in her friendship.

There is a strange familiarity to this large, classic mansion – I haven't felt that warm, inviting sensation of coming 'home' since my parents were alive, but as I move through the Salvatore House, my fingers grazing against the dark wood walls, this is as close as I've come to feeling like I'm home since the night Jena died. It's almost as if I am in a trance as I to go to the staircase, my eyes admiring the carved banisters, my legs taking me further and further up the stairs – turning right when I reach the crest. My body knows where it's going while the rest of me is just mindlessly along for ride. I continue for a few feet down the hallway until I stop abruptly. There is a door to my right and a door to my left, both closed, neither telling of what might lay behind them.

I look at the door on my left for a long moment – examining the frame, the brushed copper handle, it's carved four square design. All the while my stomach feels kind of tight, maybe a little queasy even. Without realizing it I grind my teeth – something I did when I was younger when I'd get in trouble or feel guilty about doing something I shouldn't have.

Turning my gaze to the door on my right – it's an exact replica of the other, but my body is almost instantly calmed, my jaw releases the pressure against my teeth. I feel warm from the inside out, I feel… right. I can't explain it, the gentle flutter of butterflies in my tummy and the easy smile that forms on my lips as I reach for the door handle. Stepping inside and flipping on the light, I inhale that unique scent – leather, body wash, warmth… this is Stefan's room.

There are books and books and more books on shelves on nearly every wall! A desk with what appears to be some writings of his - a couple of his shirts are thrown over the back of the desk chair and I have to stop myself from picking them up and smelling them – I'm seriously crazy for him! Moving further into his room, I run my fingertips up the dark blue blanket – I don't have many memories of Stefan and I, but one in particular occurred on this very bed almost six years ago exactly – the thought makes my smile widen. When my hand grazes his pillow and my eyes catch sight of a dark wood frame laid face down on his bedside table, I can't stop myself from picking it up – curious to see what kind of picture Stefan would deem important enough to have by his bed in his home. Caroline had his office, I saw a couple of pictures of Damon and Lexi and Caroline in his apartment in Wilmington…

If my heart could burst with joy, it would right now with me standing in Stefan Salvatore's bedroom, looking at a picture of _us_ that he keeps next to his bed. I blink away tears and try to focus on the picture but my smile is pushing my cheeks up and making it difficult to see through my wet lashes. Quickly wiping at my eyes with the palm of my hand, I look again. He must have taken it with his phone as he's got one arm around me, pulling my back against his chest and, while I'm smiling for the camera, Stefan's eyes are closed and he's nuzzled against my neck, planting a kiss just beneath my ear. I think we're at my parents lake house, maybe – I've got a blanket wrapped around me and he's wearing a red hoodie… we're perfect together!

I look so happy.

I wish I could remember taking that picture.

I wish I could remember feeling that kind of happiness… Trying to recall how long it's been, I feel a lightness about me when I realize that on the drive down here, holding his hand and singing stupid songs and talking about our manuscripts… I was just as happy.

I am falling _hard_ for Stefan Salvatore.

After spending a long time looking at that photo, sitting on his bed and using all of my willpower to not curl up in his sheets – seriously, that's a crazy girlfriend move, right? – I find myself curious about the other room. Wonder why it held such ominous feelings while this one was like a nirvana of joy. Deciding that whatever is behind that other door, I can handle it, I sit the photo back in place like I found it and quickly close the distance between myself and the closed door.

Kind of like taking off a band aid, I decide to do it quickly in case I find something painful behind the door… maybe some kind of feeding room or a bunch of pictures of Stefan with other girls – my mind recalls the Fifty Shades of Grey conversation and for a moment I worry that it might be Salvatore Red Room of Pain - I have no idea what to expect!

Flipping on the light, I feel like an idiot… it's just Damon's room. Nothing scary, nothing menacing – just Damon's ultra-tidy, OCD like room with zero books and zero pictures and zero anything that catches my eye or makes me smile. I start to turn off the light, turning towards the door, when I see a piece of paper folded in half and sitting on the bed – squinting my eyes a bit, I recognize Stefan's handwriting on the front - _Damon_.

Moving towards it, I decide I shouldn't read it. A note from Stefan to Damon is none of my business. Leaning against the tall wooden post of the footboard and letting my fingertips pick up the note, I tell myself I'm just going to hold it, I'm not going to read it. Even as I open it, I'm denying that I'm snooping…

_Nice job with the compulsion, dick. I'm not dead.  
Call me when you get this.  
-S  
Oh, and not that you've ever done what I ask of you,  
but please stay away from my wife. _

STEFAN's POV

The blood from the body of herbivore animals is bitter and thin – the only comparison I have is this cough medicine I can remember nearly gagging up whenever my mother would force it on me. It's simply horrid. Much worse while my mind is berating me for turning down Elena's offer. It took a little while to successfully capture my prey, but I've drank enough to heal my wound though my temper is still pretty hot. Slowing my vampire-speed run as I reach the entrance of my home – I haven't been back since I came to Mystic Falls looking for Damon after waking as a vampire in Rome – I can't believe how relieved I am to see this place. It helps, that feeling of coming home, as my temper feels a bit less looming and I start to think of other things than Elena's blood.

The moment I step into the house, I know something is wrong. I can feel it, I can sense her tension and the weight of her stare. She appears to have been pacing, now standing in a somewhat offense stance, her shoulders squared and arms crossed. Closing the door behind me without taking my eyes off of her, I find myself feeling a little disappointed that the Elena that was pressing herself against my mouth has been replaced.

Now that I'm not so incredibly hungry, the idea of controlling myself while drinking from her seems much more plausible and if she were to offer again, I'd have a very difficult time turning her down.

"Better?" Elena's voice is curt, kind of sharp sounding to my ears – she's angry.

I nod, closing the distance between us with slow, cautious steps while at the same time, evaluating this very empty, very untouched house. There is a layer of dust on the floor and furniture, I spot an empty bottle of Guinness on the kitchen island countertop and wonder if it could be the same one that I'd left so many years ago_… surely not_.

"What is this?" She uncrosses her arms, holds out a piece of paper nearly directly in front of my face.

I take it from her and as I read the note I left Damon over four years ago, my stomach tightens with concern for my brother. "Where did you find this?"

Elena raises her eyebrows at me, "That's what you're worried about? Me snooping? Not that I know you've been lying to me?"

Maybe I didn't hear her right, I'm not sure, but I ignore her attempt at picking a fight. "Where was it? On his bed?" …..Right where I left it?

"Yes, Stefan it was on his bed. So what?" She shrugs, snatching the note from my grasp and holding it in her fist, smirking at me, "So… you're married?"

I must look at her like she's speaking a Mandarin – My mind is trying to find some kind of an alibi as to why Damon hasn't been home in four years and my ears are hearing Elena asking me if I'm married - the two topics are so opposite that I can't delve into either.

Elena picks up my state of confusion and reads the last line of my note in a deep, mocking tone. "Stay away from my WIFE."

I watch her mouth moving; her teeth pressing into her bottom lip when she accentuates the end of the last word she speaks – but I don't hear her, not really. All I can think is that the Originals have killed Damon. Kol came after me in Rome, which left Rebekah and Elijah to take down Damon… I move past Elena, filled with adrenaline and awash with fear that my brother is dead – looking for any sign of Damon.

"Stefan!" Elena yells my name when I quickly turn up the stairs, taking them three at a time. The door to our rooms are open, the lights on, but nothing has changed… Damon's room looks exactly the same as I left it. Even the slim black tie hanging from the door knob of his closet. "What are you doing? I want to talk about this!" Elena is still talking about something that I can't deal with right now, coming to the top of the stairs just as I head back down to the first floor.

I hear her give a loud exaggerated sigh as my feet hit the floor of the den, stopping to evaluate the room. Again, nothing has changed. I drank half of Damon's decanter of bourbon while waiting for him back then, left my empty tumbler on the leather ottoman directly in front of the fireplace – I clench my jaw so tight I worry my teeth may crack when I see it sitting there and covered in a layer of dust.

Elena inhales to start in on me again about whatever she's wanting to discuss, but I turn to face her and cut her off before she can start, "When was the last time you saw Damon? Or heard from him? Have Matt or Jeremy, Bonnie… has anyone mentioned him coming around or contacting them?"

Furrowing her brow at me – she's not following my terrible thoughts. "What? Why?"

I don't think I've ever truly experienced a break down. I mean, I've seen my brother shot, I murdered my own father before feeding on him, witnessed Damon stake Lexi… watched Klaus drink from Elena's neck during the Sun and the Moon ritual… that was probably the closest I ever came to losing control of myself, really just crashing down, but I knew she was going to come back… from Bonnie's spell or Damon's blood, I knew Elena would be there in the morning after Klaus had gone, I knew I hadn't lost her.

Right now, with my heart palpitating out of any kind of rhythm and my lips shaking even under the pressure of my teeth biting into them, I feel like I may collapse.

Forgetting whatever it is that she's mad about, Elena comes to me – the instant she's close enough I just fall into her arms, clinging to her body and sobbing.

I've lost my entire life.

Elena doesn't love me, my daughter doesn't know me, and my brother is dead.

"Stefan…" She holds me and I just go deeper into some kind of a mess of regrets and memories and guilt for all the ways I've crossed my brother.

Damon must have been staked before I made it back from Rome – we should have died together just as we turned back in 1864. I replay the facts in my mind – the bottle of beer in the kitchen, the undisturbed house, the note I left on his bed, my glass on the ottoman… blood.

If Damon has been back at all, he would have stocked the deep freeze with blood. It's a long shot… he surely would have at least gone into his bedroom if he'd come back at all, but I have to check, I have to see the empty deep freeze for myself.

Somehow filled with a very weak hope, I release Elena and take off towards the basement cellar – praying once again, praying that I'll find some sign of my brother, my ally, my best friend.

MORE TO COME -

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	10. Chapter 10

CHAPTER 10 – The Broken

_**note – this series of books begins after Season 3, Murder of One. Therefore some references may not be in line with how the show has progressed**_

ELENA's POV

"You need to go." Stefan's voice is soft, monotone – not demanding, yet stern.

He moved too fast and by the time I made it down the concrete stairs, into this dungeon-like basement with its cinder block walls and barred doors, he's completely controlled and blocking me from going any further down the narrow hall. From the tight crossing of his arms over his chest and furrow of his brow, I know Stefan is back to business. Whatever that was earlier – holding me like he would crumble without my embrace – it's completely gone.

I'm still kind of angry with him, but the way he seemed to need me just moments ago has softened my temper. "What? No." This is all too strange – his mood swing, us standing in the dark, damp, underground cellar. I feel like I've spent a lot of time here, like I should have memories of what appear to be make-shift jail cells. I keep picturing Stefan laying in the small room just off to my right, on some kind of a cot and looking quite ill – it doesn't make sense… still, I feel the need to look down at his lapis lazuli ring to make sure he's still wearing it – I feel an odd comfort in my gut when I spot it on his finger.

I crane my neck, stand on my tip-toes and lightly hold his forearms to steady myself as I try to see over him. "Please, Elena, I need you to go."

Frowning at him, I give a quick shake of my head, "Look, we are either in this together or we aren't." My turn for an ultimatum –"No more protecting Elena, no more leaving Elena in the dark…" If Stefan and I are really going to give this a go, if we have any chance in this working, then I've got to be let in on all the secrets, including the whole _wife_ comment – I remind myself to revisit that subject at a later date. "You decide." Stefan's arms unfold and I take it as a good sign; he's opening up to me, letting me in. I know he's told me that rehashing everything he's been through will be hard on him and I want to reassure him. "I can go back to my parents house and wait for you," As I speak our hands magically find each other. "Or I stay – you and I are a team. It'll be you and me, Stefan. But you've got to let me in, okay?" Even in the darkness of this basement I can see a warm glow in Stefan's happy eyes.

He smiles, does this very charming look away and nod his head thing and I just want to hug him… so I do.

I wrap my arms around his neck, relish in the way our bodies fit together – he's somehow the perfect height for a hug. I nuzzle even closer into his chest, my face perfectly nestled at the curve of his neck and his strong arms make me feel safe and cherished. I think I'm just going to exhale, give a small sigh in relief – it's been a difficult night for me; going to my parents void home, Stefan getting hurt, the argument with Bonnie and Jeremy, finding that note and then watching Stefan nearly have a panic attack… I really believe it's just going to be an exhalation of pent up stress when I close my eyes and open my mouth, "Mmm, I missed your hugs."

I think we're both in shock by my whispered words. Stefan's hand at the back of my neck stops its soft kneading and for a moment I fear that he's thinking that was some kind of a line – like how I told him I loved him after reading his journal in his office.

It's not a line. Honestly, it's probably the most candid thing I could have said to him in this moment. With my lost memories, I don't know how I could've missed his hugs, this warm and incredibly intimate embrace, but I know for certain that out of all the things my brain is unable to recall, Stefan's arms around me and my body pressed against his is the one thing that my life has been barren without. When I feel his smile against my shoulder, I start breathing again – I'd been holding my breath without realizing it.

I kiss his chest through the fabric of his shirt, move my fingers into the short hair on the back of his head – even in this dark damp, subterranean crypt the gravity between us is alive. What starts off as just a sweet pressing of my lips against him is quickly amping up into something more meaningful as my kisses move to his neck, to his jaw line – I feel his hands slip just beneath the hem of my shirt, callused fingers against the skin of my lower back. Stefan turns in to meet my mouth and I get a kiss in on the corner of his lips before he turns away. "I could hold you forever, Elena." – he's distracted by whatever is down the hallway or in one of the holding cells and he's telling me that he can't do this right now...

Without thinking about it, I put my hand to his face and bring him back to me, kiss his lips slowly; just a tender kiss on his full bottom lip. I feel his hands press against my back, pushing me against him. When I move away and look up at his beautiful face – eyes closed and a gentle furrow to his brow, stilled by my kiss – that's when I decide I'm going to tell him I love him. Not in the middle of passion and lust, not when I'm feeling guilty for how much he loves me… but right now, while we're holding each other and the gravity between us is wrapped tightly around our bodies.

Before he cuts himself open and tells me everything that has hurt him, the things that must have torn us apart. Before I learn about his wife, before I know anything more than the kind and sweet man that is standing in front of me – the man that makes me feel like I'll never be alone again. Stefan deserves to know that I love him _now_, for what he is _now_ and for what we are _now_. Stefan should know that I've fallen in love with him without any influence from the past that he remembers and that I've been compelled to forget.

I'm scared to say it – I know it's ridiculous to be afraid of telling someone how you feel, especially when you already know that the feeling is reciprocated… In my entire life I've never said those words to anyone but Stefan, the night I gave myself to him - and in my mind, he left me and cheated on me and lied – even though I know none of those memories are true, the words catch in my throat… I wait too long.

"It's Damon… it's really bad."

Trying not to show her repulsion, nauseated by the sight of the mummified, stone-grey body encased in chains and ropes, Elena stands just outside of the cellar room as Stefan works silently to free his brother's emaciated body. Something like a car accident, Elena cannot look away – feels an urge to watch Stefan untie the knots, unwrap the braided fiber rope from around Damon's desiccated torso, pinning down his dried arms. A sign of just how long Damon has been tied up and starved, removing the rope pulls and tears at the black cotton tee shirt and after removing the rope completely, most of the Damon's clothing is tattered – as if the rope and the fabric had fused together as they dried out and aged.

"You can stay, if you want," Stefan stops working at the chains – bent at the waist and his feet straddling Damon's body, "but I'll have to feed him blood and it's not going to be pretty."

Nodding that she understands what she's agreeing to witness, Elena folds her arms over her chest – swallows hard, "Is there something I can do to help?"

For a moment, Stefan fights at his frustration with Elena's strong willed ways – there is a starved vampire about to be brought back to life and she's full of warm, iron rich blood, but she decides to stay… but when he remembers the Elena he knew years ago, one of the main traits that he recalls is her stubbornness. With a smile at the thought, the new similarity between the two Elena's in his life, he responds, "Check in the deep freeze for a donor bag. If there isn't one, then I'll need to hunt for him."

"I can gi-"

Before Elena can finish her offer, Stefan stands upright and deeply frowns, "No, no way, Elena." Dropping the heavy chain to the floor in a loud clatter as some kind of an emphasis on his taking a stand against her proposal.

Rolling her eyes at Stefan's firmness, Elena moves to the deep freeze – cautiously stepping over Damon's paralyzed and petrified legs, "I just want to help. I don't want you to have to go out."

"Then he can stay like this til morning. He's not drinking from you."

Pulling the lid of the freezer open, Elena wonders if the reason behind Stefan's insistence is for her safety or for a more selfish reason… jealousy or possession, maybe. Easy to find in the mostly empty space, Elena's eyes quickly spot two plastic bags filled with a thick red liquid.

STEFAN's POV

I wait until I hear Elena slide the bolt lock into place before I even pick up the plastic bag – Damon's been here for over four years and I've never experienced desiccation personally, so I have no idea how he's going to respond. Thankfully, Elena agreed with my concerns and is now safely watching from the other side of the barred door.

Don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled that Damon is just emaciated, that he's not dead – but as I worked to free his body from the chains and the ropes that were once soaked in vervain, my mind recalled how he and I left things… how he and Elena left things and to be honest, I'm not only concerned that he's going to be too hungry to control his thirst, but I'm a little worried about how he's going to react to Elena. I'm guessing he probably feels the same way about her now as he did when Elena and I left for Rome that April… I'm feeling pretty unsure about how Elena is going to respond to Damon's sure-to-come advances when she's not committed to me in the least.

"What are you waiting on?" Elena asks, her voice breaks my daze. Moving my stare from Damon's sunken eyes and protruding cheek bones to her face looking in through the barred window, I try my best to shake the insecure thoughts no matter how right I know I am.

I recall what she said to me earlier, about how I have to start opening up to her and decide this is as good a time as any. "He's in love with you, Elena."

Elena looks completely lost, "What?"

I nod, start in on the cliff-notes version – not sure if Damon is able to hear me or not. "You loved him too. You need to know that. When he wakes up he's going to love you just like he did before he compelled you and before he got into whatever happened here."

Like I've just told her the world is flat and the sky is black – she doesn't believe me.

When she doesn't respond and I don't want to talk about it any further, I rip the tab from the donor bag – less than a second later from the scent of blood alone, Damon's foot moves, scraping against the concrete floor. The unexpected sound causing Elena to quickly gasp and jump away from the door. It is an amazing smell – even close to frozen and much too old to be called fresh – it's still causing my gums to ache and my mouth to water.

I take a few drops on the pad of my thumb and wipe it on his lips, let the liquid seep into his mouth through the cracks in his dried lips. When he responds with a minuscule drop of his jaw, creating an opening into his mouth, I hold the bag upright and squeeze the fluid out and onto his tongue. It's weird, feeding Damon – it's too intimate, I don't like how weak this makes my brother appear – so when his hand grasps for the bag I don't resist.

Damon doesn't speak – neither do Elena or I.

Quickly finishing off the first bag, I toss him the other and he jumps to his hands and knees, biting directly into the plastic instead of messing with the tab. After a few gulps, that mummy version of Damon is long gone and he's exactly as I remember him – dirtier and he smells like moss and mud, but it's nice to see him. Resting my back against the door frame and listening to Elena's shallow breathing as she looks through the door, I can't resist the smile that comes to my face when he looks up at me.

With his arms resting lifeless at his sides, Damon sits back on his calves, exhales with a smile that reveals his blood covered teeth, "Brother."

DAMON's POV

I'll never admit it, but when I realized that the doe-eyed girl behind those bars was Elena and not Katherine, I was disappointed.

Sure, Katherine got me into all of this mess in 1864, fucked me over for 150 years, strung me back into her bullshit and then vervained me – left me to dry out in the cellar of my own home, but still, when I first woke and caught sight of Elena, I was so happy to see her… Katherine, not Elena.

Don't get me wrong, I was happy to see Elena and Stefan, but I wasn't surprised that he was alive because I was still conscious enough to hear but too weak to call for him when he came home looking for me after Rome. As far as Elena goes, with my compulsion she's just that scared little girl that I flirted with just to piss off my brother when she was seventeen. The times she and I spent together, whatever we had is gone.

I'm guessing that's why Stefan is waiting for me in my bedroom – to discuss my intentions, the compulsion.

Maybe I read him wrong – I doubt it, but maybe – things are strange between them. Stefan seems reserved, kind of walled off around her. It's odd to see him acting scared of her when the last time I saw them they were all over each other.

Finishing up a lengthy hot shower and long-overdue bit of maintenance on my now blood-filled body, I give one last look in the mirror before stepping out into a very heavy atmosphere… no one broods like my brother.

"What happened to our girlfriend? Afraid I was going to eat her?" I tease and wonder how it is that Stefan's eyebrows can sink so low on his face.

"She's asleep."

Grabbing a dusty teeshirt from my closet, I just can't help but dig into him a bit – it's been far too long since I've seen my brother and short of actually hugging him, getting a couple jabs in is as close as I'm going to get to telling him that I missed him. "We have six other bedrooms little bro, so before you ask, no you cannot sleep with me."

With a sarcastic, very small laugh – Stefan just loves it when I aggravate him – he moves quickly into his desired topic of conversation…. Elena, of course.

"I need you to uncompel her, or redo it. Just reverse it." As some sort of a payoff, maybe a bribe, he holds out a tumbler filled to the brim with bourbon.

"I don't know, Stefan." I take the glass, pull a slow drink from it just to irritate him – think of Alaric and wonder where my day drinking buddy is now. "I kind of like how we've got an even playing field now… might be kind of fun to see who comes out on top this time around."

Stefan stands from where he'd been sitting on my bed. My brother is no good at giving a poker face. I swear, if you know Stefan at all he's an open book of anger and guilt, shame and martyrdom – right now, it's mostly just anger with me and my teasing about Elena. "Was it Katherine that chained you up?"

He may not be great at hiding his emotions, but he knows how to play on mine. I nod, gulp at my drink, "In more ways than you'll ever know, brother."

"When we left for Rome, I thought you two had come to some kind of a truce. What happened?"

That's a good question – what happened?

Katherine cried, actually cried… apologized to me for all she'd done and how she'd hurt me. We made love on the floor of the foyer, in the shower, on my bed, on the stairs… we couldn't get enough of each other. Then I get that call from Elena telling me that Stefan was murdered by Kol and everything changed. I didn't realize it at the time as I was pretty messed up over Stefan, but being imprisoned in my own body for four years I've had a lot of time to think. I have no idea what happened…

"All I know is if she wanted me dead she would have staked me instead of vervaining me and letting me desiccate in the basement." Stefan doesn't say anything, but I can see his question lingering on his frowning face so I continue. "I'm going to find her."

"Damon, come on, not this again. You've spent the majority of your life chasing after her." Stefan unfolds his arms and puts his hands on his hips – Mr. Self-Righteous is looking down his nose at me for going after my girl for the umpteenth time, guess he doesn't realize how similar he is to his older brother.

"Uncompel her, Damon." I use my best Stefan voice. "I love her, Damon. I can't even die properly."

His deep furrow and narrowed eyes just make me smile. I've been fighting with Stefan since he was old enough to fight back – I'm not intimidated by him any more than he is by me.

"The difference is Elena wants to be with me, Damon."

Ouch.

"Hmm." Giving him a smirking look, I know I'm about to cut a little deep but whatever, he started it. "I'm going to call your bluff on that one, brother. Otherwise you wouldn't be in here begging me to uncompel her." The quick blink gives him away. "I'm right, aren't I?" He pivots away from me – that must have hurt. I'm feeling pretty pissed off that all of my shit is dusty and Katherine isn't here, not to mention his unkind comment about her not wanting to be with me so I goad on a bit more. "Having trouble winning the girl now that she's an adult and not quite as caught up in the whole my parents just died and you can save me from all of this? Let's face it Stefan, when she's not wrapped up in a bunch of depression, Elena goes for the bad boy and not the brooder."

He shakes his head just as I move past him and start to pull the bedding off of my mattress. It takes him a few seconds to respond… I regret everything I said as soon as I register his words. "She tried to kill herself." It stops me in the middle of my movements.

I want to be able to not believe him, but Stefan is usually not one to lie. "My compulsion took away her memory of you dying…"

Stefan turns to face me, pulls the fitted sheet from the corner of my mattress, "Yea it did. But she's been on anti-depressants and popping pills from some plastic bag for years."

Elena on drugs – prescription or not – it just feels so out of character. I immediately wonder about her pregnancy, Stefan's child. "And the baby?"

I feel better as soon as Stefan cracks a smile. "She's three. Allie."

"Then what's the problem? You're not dead, you've got your little family and hey, your big brother is back. Fun Uncle Damon can take Allie for the weekend and let you two get a little alone time" I sound sarcastic, but I'm only half joking. I'm dying to meet my brother's daughter, my niece, Allie. "Tell me she got Elena's looks…"

"That would be great, Damon. But I've never met her." Man he is full of surprises tonight. My eyes are so wide that it hurts my face a bit. "I left Mystic Falls after coming back to find you, right after Rome. I'd thought you'd gone off with Katherine and Caroline heard about your compelling Elena from Bonnie. What could I do? I left. Until about a week ago Elena and I hadn't even spoke to each other."

"YOU LEFT?" I wad up the dusty bedding into a tight ball instead of punching Stefan in the face for being such a dumbass. He shrugs, holds his hands up in the air. "How could you leave her and your daughter, Stefan!"

"I'm a vampire, Damon. The last thing that Elena and Allie need is a blood sucking monster hanging around when I mean nothing more to her than some asshole who screwed around with her when she was a teenager!"

His phrasing confuses me – if Elena thinks he's an asshole it's not because of my compulsion. "All I said was that she didn't love you and that we left after Klaus' ritual so don't blame me if she doesn't like you."

"I know. I know it wasn't you, still Damon I-"

I cut him off, "What wasn't me?"

Bonnie couldn't sleep for the majority of the night, her mind filled with fears for the future and regrets from the past. The moment she noticed the sky lightening with the rising sun through the bay window of their bedroom, she woke Jeremy and they'd set out to the old well on the Lockwood property to retrieve the box of Elena's things.

A well full of vervain water was the safest place she could think of to hide Elena's journals – with Stefan human and dead, that only left Damon and Caroline to return to Mystic Falls and ruin everything. They would have suspected the Witch House or even the tomb below Fell's Church, but even if they did guess that she and Jeremy put everything into a water proof safe and lowered it into the well, the vervain would keep it safe.

They'd been pretty quiet most of the morning. Trudging through the damp, ankle high weeds to and from the well, then keeping their mouths full with a drive thru breakfast and coffee while on their way to the Salvatore house. Pulling to a stop behind the Mustang that Stefan left for Elena to drive last night, Bonnie and Jeremy shared a troubled look at one another – Jeremy's hand finding Bonnie's and giving her a reassuring squeeze.

"We don't have a choice, Bonnie. I'm sure Stefan has told her everything, so we may as well come clean."

JEREMY's POV

Bonnie is so nervous that she's shaking. I've got my hand on her lower back and can feel her trembling – the plastic bag with Elena's things is rattling in her hands. If I hadn't already rang the bell, I'd say we go back to the car and do this another time. Maybe ask Elena to come to our place to pick it up.

I don't have time to offer that we leave – Stefan Salvatore opens the door and gives me a quick once over before moving back and gesturing us inside.

"Elena's asleep upstairs." We follow behind him, cautiously. "I'll run up and get her." He doesn't turn back to nod or tell us to have a seat, just starts up the stairs leaving us in the den with the glowing embers of the reminence of a fire in the fireplace.

Bonnie jabs me in the ribs and nods her head to the couch – there is a pillow and a blanket laid out as if someone was sleeping there – we are both wondering if it was Stefan and why they didn't share a bed when Elena starts down the stairs.

"I was doubtful that you'd show up at all. At least you told the truth about that." Elena crosses her arms and glares at the both of us. I want to respond, tell her she's not being fair, but she's cranky when she just wakes up – plus, Bonnie speaks before I can.

"Elena, please. Can we just talk about this?"

I feel Stefan staring at me and try to nonchalantly look over at him. I wish I hadn't because even though he appears relaxed, leaning against the wall of the staircase, he's full on glaring at me.

"Talk." Elena shrugs, her voice full of attitude.

Bonnie opens her mouth to speak, but stops, swallows hard. "Can we go outside? I'd like to talk to you alone."

The door isn't closed behind Elena and Bonnie for more than a few seconds before the tension between Stefan and I multiplies. Last night, when I was going to stake him, I was just lost in the moment. Filled with adrenaline from thinking someone was in the house, nearly killing my fiancée, then pretty surprised to find Stefan alive – I wasn't thinking rationally. Even in Stefan's darkest times he never tried to hurt Bonnie or Elena, or me. I really have never had a reason to fear Stefan – it was always Damon that pushed me around and threatened us.

After staring at the closed door for far too long to be casual about us now being alone, I turn to face Stefan, ready to apologize for my actions. Just as I open my mouth, a strong, vice like grip takes hold of my throat and I'm pressed against the wall with my toes barely touching the ground – gasping for oxygen and looking into the cold blue eyes of Damon Salvatore.

BONNIE's POV

Once we get far enough from the house that I feel pretty confident no one can hear us, not even a vampire, I start off with an apology. A real true heartfelt apology. "I'm so sorry, Elena." She doesn't seem to hear me, looking off into the woods with a scowl on her face. "We had no right to lie to you. When Stefan died and you came home from Italy, we didn't know what to do. We were so worried about you and Allie."

"I get that, Bonnie." She shrugs, finally looking at me. Her eyes seem different… "But once I made it through the pregnancy and Allie was born, why not tell me then? Why would you let me go so long thinking I was going insane? Depressed for absolutely no reason! Do you know how guilty I felt? Everyday, I'd wake up sad and feeling alone even though I had Allie and Matt? I felt like a horrible mother that I couldn't just be happy!"

"I don't know! I don't know why we kept it up. I…" I'm lying, I know why. I just feel too ashamed to say it. Unfortunately, Elena knows me very well and can tell I'm being untruthful.

"Either apologize and be honest with me or leave my things and go. I've had enough of the lies, Bonnie."

Feeling too hot, I wonder if it's the late August sun on my extreme discomfort derived from what I'm about to say. I swallow, lick my lips, look around a moment, buy as much time as possible – but Elena grows tired of my delay and takes the plastic bag from my hand then turns to go back to the house.

"I was jealous!" There it is. Elena stops and looks at me like I have three heads. "You and Caroline were in Charlottesville and I was still here, in Mystic Falls. You were traveling back and forth to Italy and living this amazing life with Stefan and Caroline and I felt left out. Ever since when Stefan showed up junior year I've felt left out – used only when you guys needed to get out of a bind. I'm the witch on call…"

Elena seems to have softened towards me a bit and I could probably stop talking but now that I've started it just keeps spilling out. "I missed you and Caroline too, but it had always been you and me, ya know. I know I sound like a spoiled brat but when you came back from Rome and Damon compelled you I enjoyed having you to myself. I hated seeing you hurt and depressed but I thought that you'd get better with time… after a while I realized you were just getting worse but it was too late, we couldn't back out of lies."

"Bonnie…" Elena reaches out to me and takes my hand. A moment later we're hugging and both of us are half sobbing on one another shoulders.

JEREMY's POV

"I steal away the memory of my brother. I give up my niece. All as a favor to you and what do you do?" Damon may as well be growling at me –so close that he's spitting on my face as he speaks. "You make him out to be the bad guy! You lie to her and tell her he wronged her and crossed her… then you try to stake him!" Damon's grip tightens around my throat and I feel the pressure of blood trapped in the veins of my face. "You ungrateful little bastard."

"Damon." Stefan comes between us, pushing Damon away and I begin to cough uncontrollably. Thank God, Stefan was near. Damon would have killed me – I know it. He's wanted to kill me for as long as I have known him – hell, he did kill me. He broke my neck when I was fifteen!

Gaining my balance and catching my breath, I start to step away from the wall when Stefan uses his fingers to push me back against the wall – I hate how strong vampires are. With just the ends of his fingers pressing against my chest I thud back against the wood and feel some of the air in my lungs forcefully leave my body. No matter how strong I get, I'll never be a match for a vampire.

I'm caught off guard – not used to fearing Stefan, but there is no confusion in Stefan's burning, narrowed eyes and cool tone of voice. "_Sorry, Jeremy_..." Stefan uses my words from last night as he sarcastically apologizes for the shove, his fingers digging into my chest bone, "If you ever try something like that again, it will be the last thing that you do. Do you understand?" I nod – somehow this eerie calm, very controlled Stefan is much more threatening than Damon has ever been. "Because of how much Elena loves you and Bonnie, I'd lay down my life for you, but I won't allow that kind of a transgression again." He puts his hand against the side of my face roughly, holding my head in his hand and I'm reminded of The Godfather, I realize that this is a way of showing me he's the alpha. I nod again as Stefan gives me this unnatural smile that doesn't reach his dark eyes. "Okay, then. Can I get you a drink?"

ELENA's POV

"Klaus did it. He un-compelled me." Stefan argues, obviously frustrated but keeping a calm demeanor.

Bonnie and Jeremy are sitting together in the leather arm chair looking quite uncomfortable being here but trying hard to play it off. I sat next to Stefan on the couch and find it comforting how he immediately responded by leaning back and slipping his arm around me, resting one foot on the coffee table even though Damon gave him a glare about his dirty boot on the furniture. Caroline is nearly here – apparently Stefan has decided it's best if he and Damon go back to Wilmington and let me pick up Allie alone. Damon's old Camero has weather-checked tires and won't start from sitting so long. Stefan called for Caroline early this morning. I know I shouldn't be upset with him – going back to Wilmington without meeting Allie, but I am a little. He said he doesn't want Damon around her since he's still a little off from going so long without blood and he and Caroline don't really get along, but I can't help but wonder if maybe Stefan doesn't want to meet Allie at all.

We've been trying a little small talk – discussing Bonnie and Jeremy's wedding, I told them about work and my manuscripts – it's been a strange morning. Bonnie and I are okay again, but she told me some things that I need to talk to Stefan about. I don't know if she's trying to create some doubt in my mind or what, but I keep replaying what she said after I told her about how Stefan and I found each other again: _I should have known your job in Wilmington was too good to be true – the covered moving expenses, that awesome apartment, the salary even… I should have known a vampire was involved._ Add that to the list of things I need to get Stefan's side on, right after I learn about his wife.

It didn't take long for Damon and Stefan to go off onto a side conversation about my 'condition' as Jeremy called it. I'm beginning to get used to being confused about what people are talking about so I don't even ask about Stefan being compelled by Klaus though Jeremy and Bonnie seem to be keeping up.

"You were dead-dead, Stefan. I didn't see a reason to throw in a disclaimer like Klaus did." Damon has already started drinking and is filling his second glass of bourbon as he and Stefan talk about why un-compelling me isn't an option.

I know Stefan wouldn't lie, but it's difficult for me to believe that I loved Damon. Don't get me wrong, he's strikingly handsome – he's got the tall, dark, and handsome thing down – he just seems so cruel and cold, maybe even unfeeling…

"How about compelling her to remember?" Jeremy offers but Damon quickly smirks. His attitude towards my brother really irks me. "So you know that won't work or you aren't willing to try?" Jeremy responds in an equally as irritated tone.

"I could just turn her." Turn me? What? Turn me into? A vampire? My eyes move from the cup of coffee in my hands up to Damon as I register his words.

Stefan's arm around me tightens somewhat protectively. "Absolutely not, Damon." His voice is very stern, "That's not an option."

"What's so wrong with that?" Caroline's voice rings into the air and we all turn in unison to see her coming up the foyer. I shouldn't be jealous, but I'm in some old clothes of mine that I found in Stefan's room while Caroline looks like she fell off of a page of Elle – she's wearing a loose pink and white scarf dress that is very flattering and very short – I just know Stefan's eyes are on her legs, but when I cut my eyes at him he's already looking at me.

Damon says something about how vampirism suits her and they give a quick embrace – looks like they get along fine to me… she and Bonnie have a short hello, she just smiles at Jeremy. It's when she runs her hand across Stefan's shoulder and scratches the back of his head with her fingers that pisses me off. "Hey babe."

Again with the babe… I cross my arms and feel my body tense.

Thankfully, she sits near Damon – Stefan and I share a look at one another as Bonnie, Jeremy, and Damon catch Caroline up on all that she's missed.

"Don't do that." Stefan whispers to me, his thumb slipping up and down my bare arm. I look at him like I'm unsure about what he's talking about. "You have nothing to worry about." Ugh, he can tell I'm jealous of Caroline – that just makes it worse.

I just shrug. How can I not be jealous – look at her. She's immortal and seventeen. There is not a blemish on her skin, her hair is perfect and she hasn't had a child. I know that everyone tells me that I look the same as before, I still fit into all of my pre-baby clothes, but I have a scar from the c-section and some faded stretch marks… I guarantee you Caroline's body doesn't have stretch marks. I feel a little queasy when I realize that Stefan could probably tell me whether she does or not. If he's anything like he is with me, then I'm pretty sure he has spent quite a bit of time inspecting her body with his hands and his mouth and those eyes of his.

My eyes are on Caroline's bare thighs when Stefan's hand comes to my face and he pulls my gaze to him. He's got this half smile, half frown on his face and looks amazingly sexy, confident. "She could never compare to you, Elena."

My heart skips a beat and my tummy tightens – I think I might be blushing with this wide grin that takes over my face. Immediately, I feel silly for being jealous. Stefan loves me.

"So why not turn her? That would solve everything." Caroline bringing up me becoming a vampire steals Stefan away from me – he turns away from our loving gaze but Jeremy answers before he can say anything.

"What about Allie? She'd grow up with a mother than never ages and drinks blood?"

"Elena can't cook anyway." Damon quips. I give a fake frown, but he's got a point. Even Stefan suppresses a smile about his joke. When I nudge him with my elbow, he shrugs and pulls me close. Laying my head over onto Stefan's shoulder we sit quietly and watch our vampire friends debate with our human friends.

So far it's Team Human 1, Team Vampire 0.

"She's done fine for going on four years now." Bonnie says, finally seeming to be getting a bit more relaxed. "Allie would end up older than Elena!"

"Maybe Elijah could help." Jeremy gets everyone's attention when he mentions Klaus's brother. "I mean, we don't really know what kind of powers they have."

"No way. Nope." Damon shakes his head at Jeremy like he's an idiot. "If any of the originals find out about Allie or learn that Stefan is alive, we're going to have a war on our hands."

I'm just barely listening as I trace Stefan's hand with my fingertips, lace our fingers together and pull away, then lace them together again, enjoying the contrast of his rough hands against my smooth skin. I look up at him, his eyes are closed with his head resting on the couch, but I can tell he's awake so I give him a kiss on his perfectly sculpted jawline. Immediately he smiles in response and rubs his hand up my back.

"How are they going to be together if it's dangerous for Allie?"

"That's why she needs to turn."

"Or he needs to be human again."

"We already talked about that… he tried, can't happen."

"Then they can't be together. It's too dangerous."

"It's dangerous whether they are together or not."

"She needs to move home. That way we can all protect her and Allie."

"Coming back to Mystic Falls is a terrible idea, Jeremy. No one knows that he's alive or that they are in Wilmington."

I'm growing tired of hearing their debate – as if what they come to decide will have any play on what Stefan and I end up doing. I know that I'll always be in danger, I'm the doppelganger and I'm tied to about a million curses and spells, but Stefan and I will decide what's best. It's me and Stefan.

I scoot up closer to him, nuzzle my nose and lips against his neck, whisper in his ear. "Let's go back to bed."

Giving me a beautiful, champion smile, he stands and extends his hand to me. I don't think Team Human and Team Vampire notice we're leaving.

Reaching the top of the stairs, Stefan playfully smacks my bottom and I laugh loudly, but Damon doesn't skip a beat talking about how me being a vampire could work.

**MORE TO COME – FOLLOW ME IChooseStefan – I love feedback so please feel free to tweet and/or leave a review. **


	11. Chapter 11

**THE BROKEN – CHAPTER 11****  
****Trilogy begins after Season 3/Murder of One**

_Something very strange happened to me today. It wasn't the morning I spent hanging out with vampires and a witch and a brother who can see ghosts… it wasn't the hour I spent giggling and making out with a man who's well over 165 years old… it all revolves around a flower._

_Let me give a little bit of backstory and I think you'll see why I'm feeling a bit odd about the star gazer lily that I found tucked beneath the windshield wiper of my Explorer when I got home from Charlottesville. _

_Matt is not romantic. _

_He's very much the good ole boy, country music loving, beer drinking, hardworking, loyal to a fault guy that he appears to be. I've loved Matt in one way or another since I was five. He was my first boyfriend -in first grade when having a boyfriend meant you sometimes traded lunches and had someone to push you on the swing. The most romantic things Matt had ever done was let me have his Strawberry Passion Awareness in 5__th__ grade after I spilled mine, and point at me in the cheerline after he'd thrown a long touchdown against the Desoto Dragons when we were sixteen. At the time, I thought that was amazing – Matt was dedicating an amazing football throw to me, his girlfriend, cheerleader Elena. It was pretty much downhill from there though and we quickly fell into a very casual, dispassionate relationship that made since because he was Matt Donovan; handsome blond haired and blue eyed quarterback - and I was popular, and a cheerleader, and a shoe in for Miss Mystic Falls – the now long gone, never to return, Elena Gilbert. Pre-wickery bridge accident, non-orphaned, vampire-free, Elena. _

_Skip to the end of all of my memory loss and Matt was suddenly a closet-romantic. I can't tell you how many times that out of the blue, I'd find a carefully placed envelope with my name on it. Be it a handwritten note telling me that he thought I was beautiful and strong and intelligent, or a very sweet and insightful comment about something I'd written… even a mixed CD once – Matt would deny that he left it, just laugh and say I had a secret admirer – until that first time in April that I found a bouquet of pink Stargazer Lilies. He fessed up after that, or at least__ he didn't deny it__. I say first time in April because it became an annual thing –April 30__th__. Every April 30__th__ I'd get a bouquet of my favorite flowers… _

_I didn't question it – mainly because I figured April 30__th__ must have been an important day in our relationship and I didn't want Matt to know that I couldn't remember anything special about the date at all! And I never wondered why Matt wouldn't just accept that I knew it was him leaving me the little gifts – books, pieces of lyrics… a $100 Starbucks gift card during every finals week – I chalked it up to him being kind of shy and the romantic thing not something that was easy for him to do. _

_So, knowing that there is no way Matt was in Wilmington, in the parking garage of my apartment, or that he could've known that the new grey Ford Explorer with dealer tags and parked in the unmarked spot was mine… I am paused. Puzzled… maybe a little angry even. Stefan is not being honest with me._

_Something I'll never admit – those sweet, loving gestures were the only thing that I was afraid of losing whenever I'd think of ending things with Matt… I was confident that Matt and I would stay friends. We'll always have Allie to bond us together so I was sure I'd never really lose Matt. But of all of the aspects of our romantic relationship, those secret-admirer gifts were a sign that he really knew me, really understood me… it's nice to know that there is another person in the world who truly gets you – a perfect compliment._

_When Stefan came over to pick up his car, I think I played off my not wanting him to stay as me just being tired and Allie having trouble getting to sleep in her new room. I didn't even let him in the house and now that I'm in my bed alone and experiencing my first bout of insomnia since I moved here - the night we slept on the floor was my first good night's rest in so very long – I regret not letting him come in. I should have asked him to stay with me; I should have talked through my frustration with him keeping secrets from me… my mind is muddied with Bonnie's voice talking about my 'too good to be true' job and apartment and that note Stefan wrote for Damon… he has a wife and he has Caroline._

_I just handed him his keys and after giving a fake yawn, I thanked him for the flower. With this very sweet smile he confirmed that he left the lily for me, confirmed what I had already figured out – Stefan has been in my life, hiding in my peripheral vision all along. My perfect complement – that one other person in this huge world of six billion strangers that knows me to my soul is Stefan Salvatore._

Elena regretted looking at the time on her phone as soon as she saw the numbers – 12:11am, Sunday 8/22. There would be no sleeping-in come sunrise. Allie would wake with the dawn and expect Elena to keep her promises of breakfast on the beach and then a trip to the library. With the weight of what Elena knew to be the first signs of a sleepless night, she sat her journal on the bedside table and reached for the bag of items Bonnie brought to her.

She hadn't had time to really go through the bag, but she'd done a quick inventory of the contents before she left Stefan's and though she was aware of the six stakes rubberbanded together, it still felt odd, a little scary even, to have them in her possession. Touching them with just the ends of her fingers as if the white wood may dirty her skin or transmit a disease, Elena quickly removed them from the bag and shut them up in the drawer of her bedside table. For a girl who was supposedly in love with two vampires and had a slew of supernatural friends, it seemed odd to Elena that she'd have stakes at all. She wondered if she kept them because deep down she had been fearful of Caroline, Damon maybe… Stefan?

Releasing the thought with a quick shake of her head, Elena turned the large Gap bag on its end and emptied the rest of the items onto her comforter. It was like going through someone else's purse, or picking through their room even though it was her face in the pictures and her handwriting on the spines of the leather journals. Somehow, Elena still felt like a voyeur as she inspected a framed photo of her seventeen year old self with Stefan's arm loosely over her shoulders. Seeing him in a football jersey made her smile, almost laugh aloud – but she pursed her lips together, held her breath to stay quiet as if someone may find her snooping. Letting her eyes move across every color, every shadow of the photo, her hand moved to her chest, blindly feeling for the antique silver pendant in the picture – wondering where it had gone.

It was the first gift he'd ever given her – the first piece of jewelry Elena had ever received from a guy. Daydreaming about the day, Elena smiled to herself, remembering how it felt when she was just a naive girl falling in love with just a normal guy. It was a good memory. A heart-warming and youthful memory that Elena was happy she hadn't lost.

Sitting the silver frame on her bedside table and giving those grass green eyes of his one more look, she turned back to the pile of things in front of her. The cell phone was interesting, but as she pressed the power button, nothing happened – no light, no vibration – just a dead battery. Setting it aside, Elena reached for a crushed and deflated brown paper bag, surprised by its weight when she took it in her hands.

ELENA's POV

Maybe it's the appearance of this bag, the way it's discolored and stiff from age. It even feels gritty and dirty as if it is in the early stages of decomposing… but I can't shake the feeling that there is something bad in this bag. My stomach is suddenly knotted and my chest feels too stiff. To be honest, I kind of want to sit it aside and go back to looking at the picture of us before the football game, but I remind myself that I'm tired of being in the dark and unroll the crumpled paper bag. I don't know what I'm expecting, but I look into the darkness of the bag as if a jack in the box may pop out at me, ready to toss it across the room at a moment's notice.

Nothing happens.

The bag is open and nothing jumps out at me or crawls out of the blackness – still I wait a moment longer, notice my fingers are lightly shaking. I consider dumping it out like I did the plastic bag, but this one is seems dirtier somehow and I don't want to deal with anything gross on my bed, so I take a deep breath and reach deep into the bag – grab a big handful of fabric and pull it out.

It's just a piece of clothing.

A yellowish white and rusty brown shirt folded tightly. It must be old because it's stiff and crusty. I don't know what I was so worried about… releasing my grip on it a bit, the fabric unfolds and I notice the zipper – it's a dress. Unfolding it all the way, it's a BCBG empire cut, sleeveless summer dress with a very strange pattern… why would anyone buy this?

It's got this large, shapeless, blotch of rust brown all the way down the front. There is really no rhyme or reason to the design of the fabric and I have no idea why it's so stiff. It's so ugly… I mean, it's got a pretty shape to it, and maybe if that weird design wasn't there and it was just the snow white that I imagine it once was…

Pulling the dress into my lap to inspect the fabric closer, I run my fingertips across the soft white lace overlay and onto the stiff brownness… it feels like dried paint. Leaning over it now, I decide it's a stain of some sort, but not paint because it's too dry where paint would have a latex feel to it. When I scratch the rust brown with my nails, it flakes off into tiny flecks and I take a few pieces between my thumb and forefinger – rub them together and watch the flecks turn into a thin powder. I have no idea. But whatever it is, it's gross and old and dirty so I push the dress and the covers from my lap and head into the bathroom to wash my now stained hands.

It takes a second of my eyes watching the water run across my discolored finger and thumb before I notice how the rust brown is much more red when it's wet… my brain feels foggy, I know what that is but I can't place it… I know what turns water into that thin shade of red, what shines in complete contrast of the pure white porcelain of a sink – it's blood. The dress, my dress, is soaked in blood!

With my heart in my throat and pounding like a train, I scrub at my hands until the dried blood is gone and my skin is pink and raw, stinging beneath the scalding hot water. I don't even dry my hands – I have to find out about the dress and the blood. No longer worried about dirtying my covers as there is a blood covered dress laying on my bed, I turn the paper bag over and let its contents fall into the pile of my other items.

There's a lacy red bra – very sexy, naughty even… more Frederick's of Hollywood than Victoria's Secret – but it too is stained with the rust brown of blood. I know it's mine because I have the matching bottoms are in my chest of drawers - buried beneath my much less scandalous, everyday underwear…

I find a credit card-sized plastic card – "Hotel Travi" I read the cursive, red font aloud and though the name sounds foreign, I swear I know it. My mind's eye is flashing like a strobe light, broken pieces of memories; a large ancient stone building, a sun filled hotel room, violins, and Star Gazer lilies.

With my neck beginning to ache, I can sense a migraine threatening to move in so I stop trying to fight my memory loss – the compulsion. I want to look through all of these pieces of my puzzle and know that attempting to break through Damon's compulsion will end up with me curled into a ball with a horrible headache.

Sitting the hotel key card next to the picture of me and football-jersey-Stefan, I notice a second cell phone – it must have fallen from the bag because it's caked with dried, coddled blood. I guess it's my desperate need to understand what all of these things mean that keeps me from throwing up when my fingers wrap around it and I use my thumbs to try and clean the screen. I'm sure it's not going to work when I press the button, but it lights up – the old Iphone4 quickly boots up to a homescreen of nothing but the basic apps. There's no Twitter or Facebook, no Tumbler or Instagram… my thumb taps the only app that seems interesting at all – Messages.

Me: That took longer than I thought. Meet me in the lobby? 5min?

Elena: Can't wait! xo

This is Stefan's phone… this is Stefan's phone covered in Stefan's blood. Even though I know that vampires don't bleed like that; healing far too quickly to lose the incredible amount of blood that is absorbed into the fabric of the dress, I know it's ridiculous to think it's Stefan's blood – but it's a fact. It's something that I know… the rust brown all over the dress, staining the sexiest lingerie I'd ever purchased, caked into the crevices of the phone, it came from Stefan's body.

There are no other texts between us, so I flip back to his message history – there's nothing. Almost like this phone is brand new… still, I wonder if I can find anything else of use and move back to the homescreen, tap the Mail app.

There are quite a few unread emails, mostly automated ones from ESPN, CNN, Charles Schwab; there are two with subjects written in Italian. I don't see anything that seems like it would apply to me, to us, and I don't want to be nosey – snooping through his things for nothing, so I flip back to the homescreen and open the Gallery.

There are 22 pictures – all of us, mainly me; My face, smiling like an kid on Christmas morning, making goofy faces at his camera, blowing him a kiss. One of him making a mustache by holding a lock of my hair over his pursed lips – eyebrows raised and his green eyes wide and round… he looks so happy! I hurt with longing to see him that happy in reality.

More of me – I'm laying on a bed, pretty sure I'm naked… I hardly recognize myself but know the just-epically-sexed-by-Stefan look in my eyes – it's like peaceful tranquility and exhilaration braided together… I don't know how else to explain it. Looking through his pictures, I'm reminded of Stefan's deep, sultry voice in my ear – against the fender of his car after the gala, when he told me how much he loved my face. Seriously, nearly all 22 pictures are of my face – Two or three of us, there's one of my hand wearing the ring – my engagement ring … flipping to the last picture, that's when I stop breathing.

I'm in the sun filled lobby of Hotel Travi… I know it's the lobby because of the pieces of memories that rattled through my brain when I found the key. I see two men in the background holding violins at their sides… just like in my broken memories.

I'm completely dolled up – hair perfectly straightened, as I know that's how Stefan likes it – and I have a bit more make up on that usual, telling me it must be a special day. Still I look flushed, smiling brightly but almost shyly looking at the camera.

The now yellowed and blood stained BCBG dress looks beautiful on – in the picture it's perfectly white and snug around my torso, belling out over my hips a bit and just long enough that it hits mid-thigh.

I'm holding a huge bouquet of pink Star Gazer lilies… my wrist bent just-so, showing the camera my beautiful ring.

I look like a summer bride from a magazine.

The date capture at the bottom right explains so much, explains it all.

_April 30__th__, 2013. _

Every year on April 30th I've received a bouquet of flowers just like the one I'm holding in the picture – Bright pink Star Gazer Lilies tied together with a white satin ribbon…

If Stefan has a wife, then I have a husband.

STEFAN's POV

It's a nice couch – Ethan Allen I think, the decorator said it was top of the line, not that I cared really – but I still feel uncomfortable, a little stiff when I wake to the sound of my phone rattling on the hardwood floor and vibrating against the metal of my watch. Caroline is in my bed and Damon's in the extra bedroom. He's been laying on concrete for over four years, it was a no brainer to give him the bed.

Caroline insisted I come to bed with her even though I'd already gave her a bit of a work down about her greeting this morning – the 'hey babe' and the touching. I know it was just out of habit that she acted like that, but I felt Elena tense the moment she laid eyes on her. Elena being jealous of Caroline started soon after I found Elena in Miami and she saw the friendship that Caroline and I formed during my play against Klaus - for the life of me I just don't get it. To me, it seems absolutely ridiculous that Elena would feel threatened by my relationship with Caroline. I love Caroline, of course I do, but there is no one that could ever take the place of Elena… for me, it's always going to be Elena.

Still groggy, I don't even open my eyes. Laying on my stomach, I let my hand fall to the floor, fumble around until I feel the book I'd read into my deep sleep, my watch, then my phone just as it gives another buzz. I'm not terribly worried about receiving a call this late, or early I guess – opening one eye I spot the time on my phone, its 2:59am – over my long life I've acquired quite a few acquaintances around the world and in different time zones. Still, when I see Elena's name on the bright blue screen I feel a tight knot in my gut and use my thumb to quickly flick the phone active.

"Hey"

There's a short pause before she returns mygreeting and the silence instantly shoots a rush of adrenaline through my dormant body – I'm moving to sit up, get to my feet when she finally speaks, "Hey… what are you doing?" I'm trying to read her voice – I can't tell if she's got that rasp in her voice because she's sleepy or she's been crying. I guess I wait too long to answer her, "Sorry, that's a dumb question. I didn't mean to wake you."

I'm happy to hear from her no matter what time it is. "It's fine. I wasn't sleeping. I was reading." That may be the first lie I've ever told her – I just don't want her to hang up.

"It's like three am. You should be asleep." Her light hearted reprimand makes me smile.

I give a small laugh and sit back on the couch. "So should you."

I close my eyes and picture what she must look like – messy hair, heavy eyes, wrapped up in her blankets… honestly the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.

"Touché" I can almost hear her smile. I miss her. "I miss you, Stefan. Would it be weird if I asked you to come over? I know it's late, but I want to see you."

I'm expecting the sleepy girl I'd imagined while we were talking on the phone, but when Elena opens the door I'm surprised to see she's wide awake – her eyes are bright and alert as she places her finger against her lips to shush me before I speak. Waving me in, I step into the dark room and let my eyes adjust as Elena's fingers slip between mine. We're being quiet as not to wake Allie, but I can hear her bare feet padding against the hardwood floor – I don't know why the soft sound makes me happy. Sneaking me in, inviting me over in the middle of night; I like that Elena seems to feel comfortable with me.

These last couple of weeks – since Elena's interview – have been like an emotional rollercoaster for me. One minute I can't be happier and the next I've hit the bottom again – I went from four years of doing my best to force myself to be numb, ignoring the anger, ignoring the loneliness to sudden highs where I think I can feel myself coming to life again - and epic lows where I wish I'd turned away as soon as I realized it was Elena in that conference room. There have been so many quick turns and sharp drops that I'm feeling exhausted both physically and mentally. The moment I step into Elena's bedroom and my eyes spot all of the items spread out on the floor next to her bed I immediately crash down hard.

On the drive over here, coming up the Elevator, standing at her door – I'd let myself get too happy, too excited. My mind was buzzing with thoughts of sleeping with Elena in my arms, of making breakfast for my wife and daughter… You'd think by now I would have learned my lesson; when I get close to the edge, too close to feeling whole again, I get shoved off a cliff and every time it just hurts worse.

Elena shuts the door and comes to stand next to me, my eyes trailing over her opened notebooks, pictures, the dress she wore the day we married is laid out flat on the floor – I feel my stomach turn at the sight of my blood stained into the fabric. Every book and note that I'd secretly left for her over the years is mingled together with the items stolen from her in a way to keep her from knowing me. In my mind, having all of these pieces of what we used to be perfectly placed across this Elena's bedroom is enigmatic – it shouldn't be, these things cannot be in the same universe in the same time, but oddly enough, here they are. Somehow, the Elena that does not love me is looking at me with love in her eyes and I'm struggling to remember to breathe as my past and my present have collided in front of me.

"I wasn't sure if you would have come if I would have told you what I was doing." Elena puts her hand against my bicep as a show of support, but I can't really feel her touch as my back is aching – phantom pains ripping through me as I remember being stabbed, phantom pains of the way it felt to watch Elena cry for me, trying to hold it together and comfort me as I died in her arms… phantom pains of feeling my heart ripped in two.

I remember every memory attached to the items laid out in display. I remember my concern about Damon trying to pry his way into my new life in Mystic Falls, leading me to give Elena the vervain filled pendant she's wearing in the picture of us before the football game. How could I forget that hotel room key? Elena was standing behind me, flush against my body with her arms wrapped around my waist as I paid for the room. Her journal… she was writing in it when I ran into her in the graveyard. I still wonder if she left it in some sneaky way of getting me to bring it back to her… opening the door to the greatest and the most painful moments of my entire life. I see the note I left for her after she and I reconciled from the fight we had outside of that 70's club the night before. There's my tie from the 1960's Decade Dance – I still don't know why she insisted on keeping it back then. It takes a minute for me to register that the pillow laying amongst the items is mine – I can't help but smile through my frowning face as I recall Elena telling me she stole my pillow after I left for Italy.

"Stefan?"

"I can't…" She wants me to explain the memories attached to these items, but I don't think I have the strength. Right now, I can't even bring myself to look away from them, to look at the woman I love who doesn't love me. I feel her hand gently move against my face, pulling me to her. I close my eyes, "Elena, stop."

"Stefan I know you think you're in this alone. I know you're afraid that you're going to have to relive all of this alone, but I'm here, Stefan" Elena moves in front of me, takes my face in both of her hands and uses her thumb to pull my lip from my teeth. "Don't do this. Don't close up on me. I'm here, Stefan. I can't remember, but I'm here now. I don't remember what I felt for you back then, but I know what I feel for you now and I'm here, okay?"

I try to turn my face away from her – her dark, endless eyes are drawing me into her, weakening my resolve… there's nothing I wouldn't do, no amount of pain that I wouldn't endure to make her happy. "I know, I do, Elena. I just," This happens too often, the way I lose control of my thoughts and my words spill too honest and too raw from my mouth – it's what she does to me. I can't hide from her. I love her. "I feel like at any minute you're going to break me. I'm barely together as it is, Elena…"

If I didn't know better I'd say that the way she's looking into my eyes, that flicker of emotion deep in the dark brown that I used to be able to read from fifty feet away… if I didn't know better I'd say Elena is looking up at me like she loves me, like she feels the same for me as I do about her. "We're almost through this. We're so close to getting through this last hurdle and then we can put all that behind us. We can start again and I know we'll make it, Stefan… we've got to keep going, we can't stop now. I know it's hard, I get it and I hate that it's hurting you, but if I can ever feel whole again I have to know. I can't keep living without my past. I know it's a lot of me to ask, but please, please Stefan don't give up now. We're so close, please don't give up on me."

Pulling her against me, I pray for strength – I'd walk through fire if Elena asked me to, I'd die a thousand deaths if it meant I'd get to feel her arms around me like this just one more time. I love her.

We hold each other for a long moment and it helps, when I finally release her I feel resolute, committed. Elena is smiling at me and her hair is reflecting the light from the bedside lamps – reaching out to her, I take a strand of it between my fingers, let the silkiness slip between my fingertips. I love her.

It doesn't matter that I already know how this is going to end – how many times have I believed that we were almost through the darkness, we were almost there… just a bit more and we could finally be together… it's just not in the cards for me. Being allowed to love Elena, being wrapped in Elena's love, it's far too great of a gift for any man, much less a monster, a ripper… I know I'm going to end up shredded and dead inside all over again, but it doesn't matter. I love her. "Where do you want to start?"

Sitting next to one another on the floor, always managing to be touching – Stefan's arm laying over Elena's lap, Elena's arm looped through Stefan's, holding hands, resting her head on his shoulder – they spent the rest of the night meticulously going through each item. Explaining the gifts Stefan had left for her over the years brought moments of laughter and teasing, securing them into the present moment, while Stefan would almost disappear into his thoughts, lose himself in his memories while Elena read passages of her journals.

"It's just not the same, the way I love Damon. It's like he's a piece of me. I love Damon like I love Matt – he's constant and he's easy to read – but he is not Stefan. I love Stefan in a way that I never even knew was possible and somehow, every day, even with us apart and me engaged to his brother, it just gets stronger. Every day I love Stefan more. Every breath that enters my lungs fuels me to love Stefan even more with each exhale. Its probably not healthy, loving a man who has asked me to be with his brother… but I've known for a very long time that fighting what I feel for Stefan is futile – no one is strong enough to resist this kind of love." Pausing, letting the words float in the air a moment, Elena smiled as she looked over to Stefan. With her feet in his lap, he was trying his best to appear as though he was intently focused on rubbing her ankles and arches, but Elena could see his flexed jaw and tense neck. "Wow."

Giving a shrug, he said "I told you, you loved me just as much as I love you."

Considering telling him that he should stop using the past tense version, explaining that though it was a new feeling, she loved him just like that now, in this moment… yet there was something about the heaviness of the night, the fact that whether he was playing it off as nothing or not, Elena could see the strain in his eyes and it was enough to make this the wrong time to declare her love. "So this is when you and I were hooking up behind Damon's back?" With a nod, Stefan kept his eyes on his hands; not looking toward her and hoping she couldn't feel how much he missed her love. "How long did that last? Us sneaking around?"

"From the night we came back from Miami-"

Interrupting, Elena nudged his stomach with her toes playful, "The Vegas night."

Finally cutting his eyes towards her, Stefan's jaw relaxed, falling into a wicked smile as he recalled her 'what happens in Vegas' proposal. "You seduced me." He teased, letting his hand up move her leg, resting just below her knee as they shared a knowing look at one another. She'd read through all three journals before Stefan came over and was quite surprised by how descriptive she wrote about their love making – that night in the Salvatore house with Human Stefan was four pages long. "Then you ended it in a parking garage in Charlottesville four months later."

"The last thing in my journal is me being upset with myself for nearly getting us caught by Damon. I was really mad about the fake-sex between you and her. Apparently, I've suspected something was going on with you guys for a while and didn't like how real it looked when you kissed before you left our dorm. I was kind of a jealous mess! Lindsey was on her way to the states and I did not want you to go anywhere with her!" Elena tried a laugh, but Stefan could tell that even though she didn't remember feeling jealous about Lindsey, the emotions were still evident – unattached, but there. "Did you guys date after you and I ended?"

ELENA's POV

"Did who date?" I don't know what I've said, but Stefan looks really baffled.

Giving him a _duh_ look, I say, "You and Lindsey?" I remember looking at the photo in Stefan's office of the Angelina Jolie-look alike and how I said nearly the exact same thing in my journal four years ago. Even now, my stomach wrenches at the thought of Stefan touching her in any way.

"Damon k-" Stopping mid word, Stefan reaches for my journal. I give it to him without protest as he's in every single entry, not to mention he's just spent the last two hours pouring his memories out to me – some made him smile, others made him gaze at me like I was an angel… the dress, the phone, I hope I never see his face look so sad again. "So the last thing you read is that Damon wants to go out and you were too tired… that's got to be the night…"

"What?" Stefan is flipping through the last few entries of my journal as if he's looking for something.

"Do you not date these?" I shake my head. I never have, I don't know why, it's just something I've always done, not dating my entries. Stefan gestures to my bloody dress, "All of this, started the night you wrote this. April 28th. You and Damon met Katherine, Lindsey, and me at a disco club in Charlottesville," A flash of that disco dance floor I remembered when looking at Linsdey's photo comes to mind – it's been a long night, but I can't explain how good it feels to be putting these things in order. "That's the night you broke up with me, or told me you didn't want to keep going behind Damon's back. I understood, I mean, honestly I was kind of surprised you did it at all – but still, I was pretty crushed. I was sure you were going to marry Damon and as a human, I knew I only had a few decades to try and win you back."

"How did me ending things end up with us married and you getting stabbed?" It doesn't make sense and I have to know, though I wish I would have chosen a more subtle way of asking for more information as Stefan's eyes narrow for at the sound of my words. In once sentence I've mentioned two things that hurt him… I remind myself to do a better job of filtering my thoughts.

"Katherine and Caroline were working with the Originals –"

To clarify, I interrupt again, "Klaus, Elijah," those two I remembered, "Rebekah, Kol, and…"

"Finn." Maybe I'm reading too much into his softly spoken response, but I swear I hear guilt in Stefan's voice… My Stefan feels remorse for having a hand in killing an Original vampire. It's a tale-tell sign of just how much guilt those emerald eyes of his must hold, how weighted down his moral and kind heart must be from all the things he's done in pursuit of blood.

Recalling what I'd read in my journal about Klaus compelling Stefan to bite me, drink from me until I passed out, I want to tell him it's okay, that even back then I'd forgiven him almost immediately after waking in that hospital. I want to tell him I forgive him and that I know who he is past his bloodlust and his dark past – I want to tell him that I love him… I force the thought away – remind myself to stay on point. "Finn, he's the one Matt killed and we learned that killing an Original killed the entire blood line."

Nodding, Stefan continues, "Caroline just wanted Klaus back and she'd worked out a deal long before I came to Miami where Elijah would keep Klaus from using your blood for hybrids and everyone would be safe and left alone so long as she helped Elijah get Lindsey. I'm not totally sure how it all went down, but Katherine was in my hotel room trying to distract me so that Elijah could take Lindsey when you show up and after a huge misunderstanding where you think Katherine and I just slept together, we learn that Damon killed Lindsey before Elijah could take her." I try not to, but can't stop myself from cringing at the thought of Katherine and Stefan together, "He's a vampire, Elena… so am I." I'm confused for a second – oh, he thinks I'm repulsed by Damon killing Lindsey… no… I probably should be, but that's not what is making me want to cross my arms and pout. I just nod, like yea your right, and Stefan continues. "Elijah's next step was to get Gia, Lindsey's little sister, so I asked you to go back to my place in Mystic Falls with Katherine while Damon and I got things together to go to Italy in order to find Gia – warn her, protect her, whatever we had to do." The sound of birds chirping with the sunrise stops Stefan, turning his head to look over my bed, I follow his gaze. It's still night out, but the dark silhouette of the building across from my apartment and a couple of trees in the distance is outlined by the black sky turning an eggplant purple as the day slowly comes to dawn. When Stefan looks back at me I know he's thinking the same as I am – this night is almost over. Allie will be waking soon and I don't want her to find a stranger has stayed the night with Mommy. It's a new day and I've finally got all of the information I need to fill in the gaping holes in my memory. "I should go."

He should go. But I'm not ready yet. There's more to this story and honestly, I don't like being without Stefan. Having Allie home, sleeping soundly in her princess toddler bed, having Stefan here with me – us sitting in the floor, leaning against my bed, talking all night long – greeting the morning with my daughter in the next room and this man that I've grown to love maybe more than I did when I wrote in the journal laying in Stefan's lap… this is the way I want all of my mornings to start. I want to wake up and see Stefan's green eyes and heavy lashes and those nude-pink lips for the rest of my life. I'm not ready for him to leave. I don't think I'll ever be ready for him to leave me.

I shake my head very casually; hoping he doesn't see the very serious, very committed thoughts running through my mind – I know he loves me, but I'm not sure if he's in love with the Elena in this room or the Elena from my journals. "Finish the story."

He clears his throat, "Damon and I got into a fight – he figured out that you and I had been sneaking around. I was human, so I took a beating, I mean my face was pretty messed up and I had a busted lip. When I got back to the house you freaked out and followed me up to my room – we, uh, made up." As if he's uncomfortable talking about it, Stefan gives a little shrug, rubs his forehead with his fingers – all the while he's got this sly grin on his face and I'm a little jealous that I can't remember whatever it is that involves us 'making up' and is causing him to blush a little. Stefan Salvatore blushing is a sight that I've never seen… it's quite becoming. I'm about to ask him to tell me about our making up as I'm dying to know what's causing my strong and unbendable Stefan to flush, but he starts into the story again. "Anyway, Bonnie came over and helped with a locator spell and don't ask me how it all happened," Stefan takes his hand from my leg, crosses his arms tightly over his chest. "it's seriously kind of crazy how fast everything was moving at this point, but while you and I were getting back together, Damon and Katherine reconciled and" he clears his throat – looks away from me. "by the time we left for Italy it really felt like things were going to be okay."

"Did we find Gia? Was she alright?"

Stefan nods as he pretends to be inspecting the sleeve of his black shirt. I watch the shadows on his face alternate between flexed jaw and clenched teeth, flexed jaw, clenched teeth. "She's fine. I still speak to her – every couple of weeks I call just to check on her. Gia's not worried. She is very powerful, but I worry about her. She's just a girl, ya know."

"Then we got married on a whim?" I probe, taking in the subtle changes in Stefan's body language and wanting him to continue though I see him closing off, tuning out.

Doing that slight tilting of his head, popping his neck, Stefan presses his mouth into a straight line – his brow furrowed and I swear I can see anger in his eyes even as he's looking away from me. I can feel the tension in his body. "Pretty much."

"So one minute I'm engaged to Damon and the next I'm agreeing to marry you in Rome?" I want to believe that what I'm seeing is Stefan having a difficult time going through all this again, but I know better. I know Stefan. I know upset Stefan and I know heartbroken Stefan… this is a different Stefan, one I'm not used to - He's not telling me something, I'm sure of it.

"Yep." Swallowing hard, Stefan says very detached like, "So we get married and maybe five minutes later Kol stakes me – thinking I was still a vampire. I die. You go home to Mystic Falls. Damon compels you, and I wake up in a morgue, in a body bag, wanting blood all over again."

I know this is hard for him and I hate how spiteful I sound as I huff and say, "You're lying to me, Stefan." The words just came out, I didn't plan to accuse him of flat out lying, but he is lying! Maybe I'm too sleep-deprived to filter my words, or it could be that my mind knows what's missing and this is it's defiant way of getting the truth.

With a very pensive expression Stefan looks towards me – not at me, but in my direction – he won't even look at me. "Elena…"

"There's something you're keeping from me. I know it. I go from telling you I don't want to sneak around behind Damon's back to marrying you within twenty-four hours… what happened to change my mind?"

Pausing for a moment, I can see he's really fighting with himself about whether or not to continue – when his chest tightens and I see his teeth press into his bottom lip, that's when I know I'm losing the battle. It's an automatic reaction, how I move to him – straddling his thighs and taking his face in my hands. "Look at me."

"It's not going to matter now, Elena. It's been four years, it won't make a difference." Stefan keeps trying to move away from me – honestly, if he wanted to remove me from sitting on his lap and take my hands from the sides of his neck he could, but he doesn't. So I keep at it.

"Look at me, Stefan." He licks his lips, rolls his eyes, then finally meets my gaze – his burning green eyes tell me he's angry, hurt. I'm sorry for prying but I need to know… I can't turn back. "Tell me. Whatever it is I can handle it, we can handle it. It's you and me, Stefan." I can't figure out why he's not telling me what made me marry him – it can't be bad! But why would he be hiding something good? None of this makes sense all of a sudden… there's something wrong, the timing of the story versus what I know… I can't place it, but I can feel the discrepancy.

"Bonnie, Jeremy – they're right you know. We shouldn't be together." This sudden change of subject knocks me off course – really tightens into my muscles as I register what he's saying… "It's too dangerous. All I've ever done is bring darkness and death into your life - We shouldn't have dated when you were seventeen and I shouldn't have come to find you in Miami…" Pushing my hair back from my face with one hand, his other resting at my waist, Stefan's words really cut at me when he says, "I should have left right after you're interview. I shouldn't be here now."

Not letting him out on a technicality, I remind him of what I read in my journal. "With or without you I'm tied to Klaus. Whether you would have come to Mystic Falls or not Klaus was looking for the doppelganger – for me." I know what he's doing. As I speak my vision is getting blurry from the tears forming in my eyes. "I wrote in my journal that Bonnie's mom trapped Klaus' father when he came for me… if he found me it was only a matter of time until Klaus would have."

"Maybe, but it's because of me that you and Allie are in danger now. I went too far trying to get revenge on Klaus – I just want to you know that you and Allie are okay, that you're both safe. The only way I can be sure of that is to stay away from you. I guarantee you Elijah has been keeping his eye on you for the slight chance that he may find a way to wake Klaus. If he learns that I'm alive, that I'm with you…"

There's no need to finish his sentence, I know what he's going to say – The Originals will kill me, they'll kill Allie. He might be right. For all I know Elijah is waiting for me downstairs! But this pulling away that he's doing, how he's trying to make sense of his removing himself from my life, it's hurting my soul and making me angry all at the same time. "So what now? You stay here long enough that I can't imagine not having you around and you're just going to leave?"

STEFAN's POV

I wish I could bring myself to tell her the real story of Rome – how Bonnie sensed she was pregnant, that Allie is my daughter – I wish I could tell her about how I ran through the streets of Rome trying to put together a scene with violins playing her parents favorite song and find a change of clothes and get those lilies. I wish I could tell her how I found her ring in the square. I want to tell her about the way she laughed as we said our vows… but all of that is pointless, without meaning when I'm the only one of us who still feels the breeze over the Tiber – when I'm the only one that can still hear the violins and the applaud of the crowd when she said yes.

Allie has a father – she has Matt. Matt is a good guy. He's human. He's wholesome. He's loyal and I know if there is anyone in the world who can love my daughter close to the way I love her, it's Matt.

Telling Elena that Allie is my daughter, _our daughter_ – it will only make this harder on all of us.

Maybe I'm jaded with the memories of how painful it was to lose Elena over and over again. I don't know – maybe I'm finally seeing clearly! These last two weeks I've let myself play ignorant to the looming threat of the Originals, somehow believing that I could figure out a way to be with Elena and Allie.

Surrounded by all of these memories, tangle items of the joy and the pain of what I lost, it makes the Originals a risk all too real once again.

I'll die. I'll bleed out over and over again. I'll burn in the sun or turn to stone with a wooden stake through my heart – I'll give my life in a second, but I will not chance Elena and Allie's safety. I love them too much.

I love them so much that I know I can't be with them.

I will go back to being numb and let the loneliness take me under. Allie can grow up and marry and have children of her own. Elena can…. I have to stop my mind, keep my brain from imagining Elena marrying, having children with another man – just the _near_-thought wrenches inside of me

"I want to stay with you. I love you, Elena. You cannot understand just how deeply I love you… but it's for the best. For you, for Allie – I can't stay. You and I can't be together."

Elena looks at me like I've just spat in her face. Sitting back onto my lap, she says "That's a cop out. That's a cowardly way of breaking up with me."

I start to argue with her – try to explain, but she cuts me off before I can even start – standing as she verbally cuts into me. "Fine. It's fine. You go on to Dallas or Italy, or wherever you're going to go this time." WOW. She may not remember what all has happened to us, but she definitely knows how to dig into my biggest regrets – leaving her. "Allie's going to be waking up soon and if you're leaving me, there's really no use in her meeting you, so…"

And just like that – Elena and I, whatever was forming between us, it's over.

I'm telling myself this is for the best, it's the right thing to do, the only way to keep Allie and Elena safe, but the instant she shuts her apartment door behind me I hear her cry – it's just a soft, nearly silent whimper – and I already regret leaving her, again.


	12. Chapter 12

**CHAPTER 12 – THE BROKEN**

DAMON's POV

Stefan's been ultra-broody today.

I mean, he's hardly said a word to me or Caroline all day. Really, I've only seen him a handful of times as he's been out on the balcony reading and closed off from us with earbuds in his ears. Caroline says he and Elena had a _falling out_.

I'm not surprised. Stefan probably pulled the whole _you're too good for me and I'm a monster who doesn't deserve anything good, ever._ That's my brother for you – he's either on or off. The kid has never understood the idea of 'middle ground'. It's why he's such an incredible moper. It's what makes his bloodlust take him over and ta-da, he's off the rails and ripping bodies into pieces. It's also what makes every single girl he comes in contact with swoon over him – very James Dean. Stefan is intense, too intense if you ask me… but then again, Stefan seems to be the one that gets the girl so…

The delivery guys are just finishing up hanging the flat screen TV when Stefan notices them. Tossing the hardback copy of Edgar Allen Poe's collection of short stories onto the couch as he stomps into the living room, I give him a sarcastic smile as I know he's about to complain.

"Consider it an early birthday present." I tease.

Without adjusting his pissy expression in the slightest, Stefan says, "If I'd wanted a TV in _my_ apartment I would have bought one."

"Don't be a literature snob, Stefan." Grabbing his shoulder, I give him a light shake, "besides, I didn't buy this, so don't you worry about paying me back." Stefan and his playing human! I can't recall the last time I bought anything.

When his eyes glaze over with irritation, I can almost hear his voice in my head; my too good for his own well-being brother doesn't agree with using compulsion for such frivolous things. I can't help but chuckle as he heads into his bedroom – it must suck to be Stefan, with his morality getting in the way of having any fun.

Caroline gives me a shrug when I look to her for a clue as to what's got him in such a bad mood. I know they talked when he got in this morning – I could hear them, but I didn't care to listen so I went back to sleep. I start to call her out for lying to me when the delivery guy asks for my signature on some papers and shows me how to use the remote.

I'm just getting settled in on the couch with a glass of bourbon and opening scenes of The Hangover on my new plasma TV when Stefan stomps out of his room. I don't turn to look at him but hear him give a disapproving sigh about Caroline and I staring at the screen.

"Are you going to run, _again_?" Caroline asks, her focus moving to him now instead of painting her toenails.

Stefan's voice is more gravely than usual and the sound of it catches my attention, "I'm hungry."

"Me too. Why don't we head out and find a couple of Latinas… I can never turn down Mexican cuisine." It's supposed to be a joke – I'm fully aware of Stefan's diet… but Stefan just glares at me as he plugs up his cell phone.

Turning towards Caroline, he asks, "Can I take your phone for the music? My battery is almost dead."

She nods, tucking her blonde ringlets behind her ears, "I got you a ticket. I fly out Friday morning, but the flight was booked. The best I could do was Saturday. When I get the confirmation I'll email it to you."

Stefan nods – now I really wish I would have eavesdropped this morning instead of sleeping in. "Where are you going?"

"We're moving to Dallas!" Caroline smiles brightly and though I'm looking at her pretty little face, Stefan's aura is thick and tense in the room – now he's glaring at her.

I try to lace it together in my head, but it's not coming out right – "Surely you aren't leaving Elena and you're daughter in North Carolina and going to Texas!" Standing, I feel myself getting angry with Stefan – he has a shitty track record of decision making and if I'm figuring right, this is going to go down as another crash and burn disaster. "I heard that wrong, didn't I? Elena is coming with us, right?"

"I'm a vampire, Damon."

"SO WHAT?" I roll my eyes, throw my hands up in the air. "You're a vampire, we're all vampires! Elena knows, she doesn't care!"

"If Elijah finds out that I'm alive. If he learns that Allie is my daughter, you know what he'll do." Stefan bends to tie his shoes, trying to keep himself busy so he doesn't have to look at me. He's ashamed, I can read it now – how he's been avoiding me all day.

"Good idea, Stef – leave her here to fend for herself, then!"

"Damon, he's right." Caroline says from the couch. I use my hand to wave her comment away. This is between my brother and I – we don't need her opinions.

"There is no threat if I'm not in the picture thanks to Caroline's deal."

Okay, he may have a point there. Still, it's not right. "Then let's get Team Salvatore back in the Original killing business! Brothers in arms once again!" I'm trying to be light hearted about it, but honestly, this is one of the major points of contention between Stefan and I – whether right or wrong, he leaves while I stay. He plans while I kill. Stefan feels guilt while I numb it all way. When he heads towards the door as if we're finished with this conversation, I speed to block his way – stopping directly infront of the door.

"Get out of my way, Damon." It's a piss poor, half ass threat – I look him up and down like he's small even though he's a bit taller than me.

"You can go, but I'm staying with Elena… and Allie." I see him fume up a bit when I say Elena's name, but it's when I drop Allie's name in the mix that he really beings to burn. "It won't be the first time I've _gladly_ consoled her after you left, brother." I don't mean it really, but for once I want Stefan to fight for her. "And we both know how well it works out for me when you skip town."

I barely finish my sentence before Stefan is bowed up and steaming, stepping up to me with wide sharp eyes. "Damon, I swear to God if you touch her."

"Then, what? You're going to be in cow town Texas doing the electric slide and writing in your little journal."

"Do you not get it, Damon?" Stefan points his finger into my chest. "Are you really willing to put Allie's life in danger so you can sleep with Elena? Do you not care for her at all? She's you're niece and you can't put her ahead of your own desires? Really? You're that cold that you can't back off and let them live their lives in peace?"

I know I asked for that by antagonizing him, but it kind of hurts that he thinks I don't care for Allie – I've never even seen her but just the fact that she's a Salvatore, that she's my brothers little girl, I love her more than I've ever experienced loving anyone.

Slapping his hand away from me, I snarl. "Believe it or not, Stefan, Elena means nothing to me." He rolls his eyes like he's sure I'm lying – I'm not. "The moment she married you, she became something else to me. And you know what, it kind of bothers me that you think so little of me. Sure, I've messed around with your girlfriends in the past but this is different."

Stefan smirks at me, rolling his eyes and slipping Caroline's cell phone into his pants pocket. "Oh yea, how?"

I'd kind of like to punch him. It's been a few years since I've hit my brother and I probably owe him a couple of ass whippings for being such an idiot – I settle for just being honest with him. "Because she's your wife. Maybe you should think on that for a while, because obviously you don't remember what that means!"

To keep from following my want to punch him, I move aside and open the door – let it swing open as I gesture for him to go run, go hunt – he needs to reconsider his moving to Dallas and leaving his wife and child plan…

"You're too hard on him, Damon." Caroline is back to painting her toenails – it's a bright orange color that reminds me of Africa for some reason. "You don't know him like I do –"

"That's bullshit, Caroline." I interrupt her as I drop back on the couch, silently hoping it messed up her paint job. "I know him just fine. He's beat down and he's tired, and you know what - he probably has every right to be withdrawn about the whole thing, but you're too easy on him. He has a wife and he has a daughter. Where we come from – back when we grew up – that meant you stick it out and you work through it. You didn't run away when things got hard or people died. Back then, marriage was forever and Stefan and I may look like we're in our twenties, but deep down those old ways are engraved in us… so if he's feeling guilty it's not about being a vampire or bringing danger or whatever else he whined about this morning – it's because he knows better than to leave them but he's too weak to stay."

Feeling pretty good about my observation, I grab the remote and turn up the volume – I've seen this movie a couple of times and already feel a laugh coming on when they're about to find that baby in the cabinet, but Caroline voice interrupts it.

"It is kind of heartbreaking that he can't let himself love them… it just hurts me to think that Allie will never meet him. She'll never even know how great her dad is."

It is. It's fucking horrible. In a way, it's my fault.

Had I not agreed to Jeremy's plan – had I not compelled away all of Elena's memories of Stefan, he could have come back to Mystic Falls right after he woke up as a vampire and Allie would know Stefan.

It takes a few minutes of my eyes out of focus but looking at the TV, of listening to the noise coming out of the speakers but not really hearing the words… but I come up with an idea.

I messed it up, I'll fix it.

I sense Caroline's eyes on me as I hop over the back of the couch and head to the kitchen, grabbing Stefan's phone and taking the power cord from it.

"What are you doing?"

ELENA's POV

When my phone starts chirping from inside my bag I half run from outside of Allie's bedroom – after hours at the beach, then another hour and a half at the library, lunch at Chik-fil-a, a trip to Target where we bought her very first backpack for school, then three books and a game of I Spy With My Little Eye, she's finally down for her nap. I'm practically walking dead from zero sleep and a very numb heart, but the day has been really nice. Going more than a week without my baby girl was terrible and I'm thrilled to have her back with me. Allie has kept us pretty busy all day, but now that she's asleep and I'm left to my own thoughts, I just want to call Stefan. I want to ask him to reconsider…

Taking my cell from my bag I'm really surprised – extremely happy – by Stefan's text messages.

Stefan: I don't know what I was thinking. I'm sorry. I didn't mean any of that.

Stefan: Why don't you and Alexia come over for dinner tonight? 5ish?

Stefan: I've missed you all day. I really want to meet Allie. Forgive me?

I don't even have to think about it… my mind is going through my closet searching for something to wear and picturing which dress I should put Allie in.

Me: I'm sorry too. We'll see you at 5. Xoxo

STEFAN's POV

I've drank too much blood today.

Quantity versus quality… it's an age old question but I think I've found the answer today. Not that it matters – I'll never drink human blood again as I've bargained with God for Elena's clear, sharp eyes – after hunting twice, both times I took down a large amount of kill… I'm still hungry.

Quality wins.

I've ran close to thirteen miles today on absolutely no sleep, but I'm still hungry. I took a scalding hot shower in hopes of burning through my cravings, but I'm still hungry. I've wrote in my journal, now I'm laying on my bed with my skin still damp from the shower… I'm still hungry.

Blood won't do. I need Elena.

I'm not craving blood.

Damon's right. I should stay.

I'm right. I should go.

There's no answer here – the fact is Elena and I never should have happened. I should have died as a human in the early 1900's and Elena and I would have never met.

We're an impossible to solve equation because I'm algebra and she's calculus... we're not the same, we aren't supposed to be together in any way.

It's late afternoon and I'm worn out – my body is aching from my running and my soul is basically worthless with fatigue. I consider just going to bed now – I'm already in here. The lights are off and the room is a faded blue from the sun shining through the window shades. I could just change out of my jeans and tee shirt, lay on this bed and let myself really wallow in my misery, but the smell of sautéing onion and paprika catches my attention… I'm hungry.

I stop just as I enter the living room – Caroline is cooking. I can hear Damon talking on his phone somewhere.

Something is… different.

There's a feeling – it's kind of a chest pressure, tingling… I swear it's exactly like what I feel when –

"Elena!" Caroline's voice chimes through the air just as my eyes find Elena walking into the living room.

She's beautiful and when her eyes find mine she smiles this soft, sweet smile that instantly softens whatever rage I had inside of me – I'm immediately calmed with just her presence. Elena is beautiful and she fills with me joy, but it's when I notice she's holding a tiny little hand in hers… it's when I let my eyes trail down her arm and I spot my daughter standing next to my wife that I stop breathing.

Our little girl is perfection – there's never been a more flawless thing on this earth. With her soft, wavy, light brown hair hanging loosely down her back and perfectly green round eyes, I swear to you she looks just like my mother. I've seen Allie before – from a distance, I've observed… but nothing like this… I love her.

What was I thinking? I can't leave.

ELENA's POV

"Allie, this is Caroline. We went to school together." It's kind of strange, the way Caroline and Stefan, even Damon – the way they're looking at Allie. I can't explain the looks in their eyes… like it's hard to look directly at her. Maybe it's the white and yellow polk-a-dot dress, but Caroline can't even speak – she's got tears in her eyes as she bends to meet Allie's hand.

My three and a half year old daughter is not shy, not even a little bit. The moment I introduce Caroline she goes to shake her hand – silly little thing thinks she's so grown up.

"You look like a Barbie doll!" She's not shy and she says exactly what she thinks. Luckily, telling Caroline she looks like Barbie is a huge compliment in Caroline's eyes.

Still Caroline doesn't say anything – she just laughs and wipes tears from her eyes, then looks over at Stefan. He hasn't moved. Still standing at the hallway entrance… does he have teary eyes too?

"I'm Damon." He squats down in front of Allie and I can't help but smile when she curtseys and says "Good day, Sir Damon."

Caroline, Damon, and Stefan laugh like she's just told the funniest joke they've ever heard. Okay… this is weird.

I explain her greeting, "She's really into Princess' and knights, right now. One of her books has a knight named Damon and that's how everyone says hello."

Damon bows with a huge smile – playing along, "Good day, Princess."

He's really looking at Allie as she adds, "It's a very good book. Mommy can read it to you if you want."

Again they laugh – big, real laughs.

Stefan hasn't moved – frozen in place with this champion smile on his perfect face, watching us from a distance. I wait a moment to see if he's going to come closer, but he's almost in a daze…

When he doesn't move, I go ahead and introduce him, "And that's mommy's friend that I told you about, Stefan."

It's a good thing Allie is so outgoing, because I don't think Stefan is breathing – this is strange. Allie walks directly to him and stands in front of him for a long moment, her head tilted all the way back and his looking all the way down as they stare at each other. Out of the corner of my eye I see Caroline and Damon share a look, a smile… what in the hell?

"Hello, Stefan."

Grinning, he replies, "Hello, Alexia." And I wonder why he used her full name – I like the way it sounds coming from his mouth, with perfect inflection.

"You have pretty eyes, Stefan." Allie says in her best _I'm not a baby_ voice that she uses when she wants to be taken seriously.

Stefan's smile somehow gets brighter, more magnificent as he kneels down – now eye to eye with my daughter. "So do you."

I'm trying to figure out why his voice is so… I can't explain it, his voice is thick with this emotion that I can't quite place.

"Thank you." I'm so proud of Allie right now, you just have no idea. She's being the perfect little lady, using her manors and being very friendly. "My mommy has brown eyes and my daddy has blue eyes. You have green eyes like me!"

Just as I'm feeling ultra-proud of Allie's manors, she says "Can I touch your hair?"

Everyone laughs… why is that so funny?

Stefan and Damon are basically 200 year old children.

We've been here a little over and hour and after a quick nod hello from Stefan, he and Damon have been busy building a blanket fort with Allie in the living room. It's funny to hear them playing along – taking turns chasing Allie versus saving her from the dragon. I know I shouldn't be thinking this far in advance, but at one point Damon was the dragon and chased her right into Stefan's arms, knocking him off balance and he fell from his kneeling stance and onto his back, holding Allie against his chest as they laughed and I swear to you in my mind I saw that as my future. I had to physically shake my head to get the 'Stefan would be a great dad' thought out of my head.

"Want more?" Caroline asks, gesturing towards my wine glass. When I pause, she knows what I'm thinking and adds, "Stefan isn't drinking… he can drive you two home."

I don't really want another glass of wine, but I do want him to drive us home so I give her the glass for a refill.

I'm still watching them play when Caroline returns, sits next to me at the dining table. "So you guys had an argument?"

It shouldn't bother me that Stefan talks to Caroline – I read all about how Caroline gave up Klaus to keep me safe, how she helped us when we were sneaking around behind Damon's back, but there are four years of Caroline and Stefan that I know nothing of that digs at my psyche. Still, Stefan is a guarded person by nature so if he trusts her I should too.

"He just won't open up to me." She frowns like she needs more information, "Last night he told me everything. Everything except why I went from I can't be with you to lets get married right now."

Caroline cuts her eyes to Stefan and Allie playing in the floor – I follow her gaze and catch Stefan lifting Allie into the air on his feet and making airplane sounds. Allie is laughing like she's at an amusement park! The mingling of Allie's high pitched giggle and Stefan's deep, smooth, laughter, Damon's Godzilla impression as he grabs her from Stefan's feet… I just smile. This is right.

"Have you tried to think of what it could be? Maybe tried to look at the timing of things?"

She barely gets the last word out before Stefan calls to her –I'm reminded that he and Damon can hear everything and roll my eyes at his interruption. "Caroline, I think the food is done."

Obviously aware to Stefan's ploy to shut her up, Caroline responds light-heartedly as she heads towards the kitchen, "Then get up and take it out of the oven!"

"Can we go out to the porch?" Allie asks, looking out of the large windows, her hands splayed on the glass – I cringe at the thought of her little hand prints smudging the glass but Stefan doesn't seem to care as he moves to the window and stands in exact replica as Allie – flush against the glass with his hands open on the window pane, his six foot two versus Allie's barely over three feet tall frame.

Caroline made gyros – apparently Stefan loves them, who knew! I don't know why I find that irritating. Caroline is being nothing but sweet to Allie and me – she even made homemade macaroni and cheese for Allie since she figured Allie wouldn't eat the gyros.

After we ate, Damon, Caroline and I sat at the dining room table and talked while Allie kept Stefan estranged from the group looking at books, out on the balcony, playing in the fort. I still don't get the whole I-loved-Damon thing. I mean, he seems like a decent enough guy, but I feel nothing when I look at him. I don't feel the gravity like I have with Stefan. I don't feel that yearning to know him, to remember every color in his eyes, or learn every single detail about him. And really, I don't think Damon feels any special way about me, either. I mean, he's very interested in what I've been up to in the last few years, but his questions feel more like he's gathering reconnaissance rather than having a get-to-know-you conversation. He seems to be crazy about Allie, though.

She's sitting in Stefan's lap, looking quite drowsy with her head against his shoulder as he reads The Steadfast Tin Soldier from a Hans Christian Anderson book. I'm not surprised that Stefan has a book of fairytales… the man is as good as a fairytale prince could ever be, it's only fitting he'd have a book of them amongst his large collection of literature. There's been a couple of times that I should've been listening to Damon or Caroline speaking, but I'd fade them out and listen to Stefan's voice reading… another sign that I'm head over heels for that guy – his voice sounds so soothing.

I'm daydreaming about Stefan's voice and imagining some unrealistic future where I have his children… impossible for vampires, I know – when Allie calls to me.

"Mommy, I'm sleepy." She's curled up into Stefan's chest, his arms around her and his green eyes are burning into mine even with the distance of the room between us.

"Wow, it's almost nine!" Caroline says with a very fake yawn. Even Damon looks at her like she's ridiculous but she hits his arm with the back of her hand.

"Yea, it's _late_." Damon plays half-heartedly, really over doing it as he accents his words. "We're all _way_ too drunk to drive. So you'll have to drive them home, Stefan."

Score one for Team Vampire – this was a bit of a set up. Looking at Caroline and Damon and their goofy smiles, I realize that the look on Stefan's face when I walked in was surprise! He was surprised to see me because he didn't invite me. Explains why Caroline cooked a food that Stefan probably knows I don't like.

I don't call them out on it, but I know Caroline gets my 'very funny guys' look when she shrugs and gives me a hug – quickly whispering "it's all about the timing."

Damon is hugging me – very carefully, not at all personal, just a quick one armed embrace and he kisses my hair – I don't get to think about Caroline's whispered words. "This was fun."

"Yea it was!" It was fun. I mean, I didn't get to talk with Stefan much and now that I know this was a set-up, I'm not so sure where we stand, but it was amazing to see him and Allie interacting.

"Call me sometime this week and we'll go to dinner – just us girls!" Caroline says as Stefan joins us, then she gives a little tug on Allie's dress hanging over Stefan's forearm – Allie is clinging to his neck, her head on his shoulder and her weight is resting against his arm.

Maybe I'll get over my strange jealousy I have for Caroline – at one time she was my best friend in the world…

"Can Stefan come to the beach with us tomorrow, Mommy?" Allie's little voice sounds so sleepy as I turn to look at my sweet little girl, now facing me.

This may be the first time I've seen Stefan and Allie right next to each other like this… it's funny, they have the same color of hair – that dark golden brown. Stefan even has a gentle wave to his…

Allie liked seeing someone else with green eyes – believe it or not it's kind of a unique eye color. They both have green eyes – it's just a small connection for Allie to have with Stefan but its nice.

I've never really noticed before, but they've got a very similar shade of green even… a pure, grass green, rimmed in a dark olive, even their lashes…

I must be frowning at them – everything seems to be slowing down… really coming to a crawl, slow motion movements in my peripheral vision as I see Stefan's mouth, the shape of his lips in exact replica, scaled to size on my daughters face.

Timing…

Think about the timing…

Stefan was human from February to April. A little more than four years ago I was sneaking around with Human Stefan from February to April. I was sneaking around with Human Stefan. Allie is three and a half. Allie is a little over three years old. Her birthday is December 4th. Allie looks an awful lot like Stefan. Stefan was human four years ago.

Allie has green eyes.

Her birthday is in December… she would have been conceived in March.

Think about the timing, "Oh my God, Stefan…"

**~MORE TO COME!~ Follow me IChooseStefan**

**Love questions/reviews/comments!**

Would love to know what you think of The Broken so far!


	13. Chapter 13

**CHAPTER 13 – The Broken**

DAMON's POV

Granted, I can't be one hundred percent sure that Elena's OMG moment was her actually putting one and one together, but either way, Stefan's broody glare as he followed her out the door means he's going to be in an excellent mood when he gets back from taking Elena and Allie home. It's been this way between my brother and I for as long as I can remember – Stefan is too scared to rock the boat, too afraid to go against the grain… that's what I'm here for. Then when I push it too far or get an angry mob after me, my little brother has my back and we level things out together. I'm one end of the spectrum – Stefan is the other, but we always meet in the middle when the time comes that one of us needs a brother-in-arms.

So he can be mad – who am I kidding, he's going to be pissed. I may even get a good old brotherly scuffle in before morning! We'll throw a few punches and he'll say I'm irresponsible and crude and I'll call him a wimp and an idiot; we'll sleep on it and then we'll be fine.

That's how it works with me and Stefan –The brothers Salvatore – we argue, we fight, it's forgotten.

So as you see, I'm not worried about his wrinkled forehead and narrowed eyes. I don't care that we're going to get into it when he gets back because it was worth it.

Allie is a Salvatore.

I don't care what her last name is – that little girl is my brother's daughter. She looks just like my mother, who Stefan also resembles, and I know he'll never admit it, but I think Allie's got a bit of my personality in her. For a four year old she's very funny – she's got great comedic timing, much like her Uncle Damon.

_Good day, Sir Damon._ Ha! That girl, she kills me!

Caroline are both listening – wondering how long Elena is going to work the silent treatment – but just as the elevator makes it to the lobby I lose Allie's high pitched voice.

"Wow. He. is. mad." Caroline says each word like it's a big deal. So what?

Moving to start the kitchen clean up, I give her a wiggle of my eyebrows and dramatically say "Ohh, scary!"

She rolls her eyes at me, but I can tell she's amused. "Well I plan on being asleep when he gets back, so he's all yours."

Shrugging, I smirk at her as I take the stack of plates from her hands and sit them in the sink. We work quietly for a few minutes – she gathers the glasses and utensils from the table and counter while I rake any left overs in the trash, rinse the dirty dishes and organize each piece in the dishwasher. Caroline is much different than she was when I met her six years ago – she's smarter, more self-assured, stronger. In appearance, she hasn't aged much but she's matured. From the clothing choices to her makeup, Caroline has become an elixir of a woman – both classically beautiful and demure mixed with a bit of mean-girl naughtiness. I noticed it when she came to pick Stefan and I up from our home in Mystic Falls yesterday morning. At the time I ignored it – but when Caroline reaches in front of me to grab an empty wine bottle and I inhale the scent of her hair, very summery and clean, that's when I really consider making a play for her.

"So, you and Stefan have been shacking up for four years now?" Don't ask why my first move on Caroline involves Stefan… maybe I do have a complex – a weird need to steal my brother's girl.

Nearly through cleaning the kitchen and dining area, Caroline is wiping down the counter behind me and doesn't pause as she responds. "I wouldn't say we've been shaking up, but yea, we've been together ever since Rome."

"That was convenient, for you _and_ Stefan." I turn off the water and use my foot to kick the door of the dishwasher shut, turn to look at Caroline who is facing away from me. Crossing my arms and giving her body a quick once over – she's dressed down in a loose white cotton tank top that ties behind her neck and yellow canvas shorts that stop just below her rear. "But I've got to wonder how you're taking this little reunion – it's kind of sucks for you. Losing, being the second runner up."

Caroline doesn't miss a beat – she's always been good to banter back and forth with, "I'd think you'd know more about being second place than I would." Feisty – I like that, reminds me of Katherine. She pivots in place, resting against the kitchen island and me against the opposite counter. In a sarcastically sweet tone, she says "But since I know you're very concerned about how I feel, I'm fine. I want Stefan to be happy and I want Elena to be happy – ergo, I want Stefan and Elena to figure this out."

"And what about Caroline Forbes?" Tilting my head down a bit, I raise my eyebrows and let her get a good look into my very blue eyes… women love my eyes. "What about you being happy?"

She frowns at me, looks right at my face and huffs, "Tell me you aren't trying to hit on me, Damon."

I'm persistent – it's just something that I can't help – so I flex my hips to push myself off of the counter I'm leaning against and take a step to close the distance between us. "Tell me you haven't thought about it, about us." Remembering how her hair smelled like oranges, I take the end of one of the curls laying on her shoulder between my thumb and forefinger and pull it straight. "We had some pretty good times…"

"Uh, no. You vamp-roofied me and fed off of me." Caroline tilts her head to the side so that her hair is released from my fingers, springing back into a golden spiral. "You had a good time. I was compelled."

Its one thing to get rejected – fine, I'm just horny and she happens to be the only girl in the room – it's a whole other problem that Caroline is pretty much telling me I raped her. I try not to sound too pissed off when I say "I never compelled you to have sex with me."

"True." Caroline reaches up to fix my collar, brushes down the fabric of my shirt over my shoulders. This confidence, it's another huge change from the human seventeen year old Caroline I met so long ago. "But you compelled me to not be scared and to let you bite me. You could have just tried talking to me, explaining and who knows, Damon – whatever it is you're trying to do here might've actually had a chance of happening. Instead, you screwed with my mind." Even through her smile I can hear cruelness in her voice – despite myself, I like it. "And you were very mean."

One last try, I counter her throwing in my being an ass back then with,"Klaus tried to kill us all but here you are, four years later still hung on him."

I recognize the change in her eyes when I say his name, it's the same way Elena's eyes would fade out of the moment, her mind leaving me when Stefan was mentioned or even referenced. Blinking a few times, Caroline gets her wits about her and simply says, "Klaus apologized."

Okay, fine. I'll apologize. "I'm sorry I was mean to you and fed on you against your will." It doesn't sound very heartfelt, but it's the best I can do. I'm not really sorry. I just want to sleep with her.

"Thank you."

Caroline steps away from me, taking her glass of wine and heading towards the living room. I'm confused – I apologized, she accepted. Am I supposed to follow her? "So…"

With a lighthearted tone, she calls over her shoulder – turning on the TV as she curls into the corner of the couch. "It's still a no, Damon"

Whatever – I roll my eyes and decide I'll go out and find a girl who isn't hung up on a desiccated old vampire who'll never come back to life. Heading to Stefan's room to try and find something that will actually fit and is appropriate for picking up a woman, I wonder if the youngest Salvatore is doing any better than the eldest.

STEFAN's POV

She hasn't said a word.

Not to me at least – while she buckled Allie's car seat she talked to her. I don't think Allie made it more than a minute or two before she fell asleep. Maybe a hundred yards down the street I looked up at the rearview mirror and got a glimpse of her sweet little face – eyes closes, mouth slightly parted, and head resting against the carseat.

I'm hoping that Elena stayed quiet this entire ten minute drive for sake of not waking Allie, but I know better. She's looking out of the passenger side window – her head completely turned away from me and her dark hair is a black curtain keeping me from being able to read her face. I should try to be less obvious, but I'm beginning to realize that there's not much point in fighting back how I feel around Elena… it's a lesson I learned a long time ago but the years we have spent apart must have made me forget – I can't keep anything from her. She knows me through and through.

So I don't even attempt subtlety when I look over at her – taking my eyes from the road just long enough to trail down her bare arm. Road again.

Look over the gentle curve of the profile of her flat stomach meeting her breasts. Road.

Back to Elena… her left hand is in her lap and you have no idea how badly I want to reach over and take it in mine. I stare it a long time… I know I shouldn't be so aggressive – not now, while Elena is mad or hurt I should do as her body language is telling me she wants me to do and leave her alone. My hand is tingling, sitting on the console between us and yearning to touch her.

I stare at her hand too long – the rumble strips on the side of the highway make a terrible rattle when the tires come in contact with them. I feel Elena's eyes on me as I straighten the SUV, jerked away from my Elena-induced haze and my eyes now straight ahead. I remind myself to stay focused on driving, deal with Elena and my body's desperate need for my wife when I get the SUV parked and my perfect little Allie is safe in bed.

Finally, we make it into the garage of Elena's apartments. It took everything I had to keep myself from talking to her, to keep my hands off of her. It's not sexual – or it's not _just_ sexual… more than anything it's the intimacy that I crave. Being able to touch her, hold her, kiss her without any hesitation – that's what I miss most, that's what I hunger for.

Six years later and she still owns every bit of me; I'd just like to believe that one day she'll belong to me like she once did.

Putting the SUV in park, I look to Elena for an idea of what I'm expected to do here. I want, at the very least, to walk them to her apartment door.

"Can you get her?" Elena is trying to look busy, messing with some things in her purse, gathering her hair into a pony tail – but that little whisper means more to me than about anything else she could have said. In four words she's basically said – I'm not so mad that I want you to leave, I'm not so upset with you that I'm not willing to discuss this.

Yes I can get her. I will get Allie. I can't think of a single thing in the world I would like to do more than pick up my sleeping, perfect little girl, hold her against my heart, and carry her to her bed. I try to play it cool, though. Giving a small nod, I whisper back, "Sure."

Watching Elena take off Allie's tiny little white sandals, tuck her bare feet under her lavender and brown butterfly comforter – I realize that standing in this doorway with my wife caring for our sleeping daughter, it's a scenario that I'd dreamt of a million times but knew without a shadow of a doubt I'd never experience… yet here I am. I get to see Elena being the amazing mother that I knew she would be. My ears get to hear the small, shallow breaths coming from Allie's tiny little button nose. I've been in Elena's apartment before, of course, but never like this – with Allie here there's a warmth and deep feeling of love flowing through the space, through me... it's healing to my once split in-two heart.

When Elena kisses Allie's forehead and comes into the hall with me, closing Allie's door, I look away from her, close my eyes and send a silent, short 'Thank you' into the universe.

Still not speaking, Elena looks at me quickly, then heads towards the kitchen – I follow.

I stand in the entry way – pretty much exactly where I stood that night that I demanded that she give me her engagement ring back. I don't know what else to do but wait for her to go one way or the other – start talking and let's work through this, or tell me to leave.

Elena removes a glass from the cabinet, fills it with water from the faucet, and takes a sip. Then another… when she tips it back and gulps the rest of it down I start to get an idea of just how upset she is.

Sitting the now empty glass in the sink, she rests her hands against the edge of the counter top and bows her head – I watch her small frame expand with her inhale, relax when she breaths out. Focusing in on my hearing, her heart beat is out of control – going at a rapid pace like never before.

I'm worried – I'm worried that she's going to pass out or that she's so angry with me that she's about to explode so I speak. It's quiet, and my voice is rough from not being used in the last half hour, but I say her name. "Elena?"

Still leaning against the counter with her head down, Elena lifts her hand into the air as if to say 'halt'. It's probably because I feel incredibly guilty for keeping this from her, because of how Elena found out that I'm Allie's father, but I say her name again – this time it's more apologetic than concerned. "Elena…"

"Stefan." Elena says my name loudly, sharp and short. "Just give me a minute, okay."

We stay like this a long time – me standing and afraid to move, Elena against the counter, facing away from me and head down. It starts to feel awkward. I start to wonder if I should just see myself out… I've just about decided that I'm going to let her have the space she's needing and go back to my place when Elena suddenly stands straight and turns to me – her face is unreadable.

"Are you tired?" I haven't slept since the couple of hours I got before Elena's phone call woke me – That was late Saturday night and it's after nine Sunday night. I ran thirteen miles today trying to rid myself of this demanding need I have for Elena – I knew it wouldn't work, nothing ever will, but I just needed something to ease the pull for a bit… I've spent four years missing her, missing Allie. I've spent four years fighting everything inside of me that screamed GO TO ELENA. YOU CAN'T LIVE WITHOUT HER. GO TO ELENA. I've fought every second of every day for four years… Yes I am tired – I'm exhausted.

"No." I lie.

What can I do? Going with the other option would have led to something like _then we can talk about this tomorrow_. I don't want to wait. I can't wait another day, another second. The moment I saw Elena and Allie in my apartment, actually in the same room as me, I knew how I wanted the rest of my life to be.

I'm not willing to wait anymore.

I'm done fighting it off… I want this life, my life with Elena and Allie.

ELENA's POV

I know he's lying – he hasn't slept much since Friday night and neither have I. I only asked to give him an out as I know that there is no way I could sleep now. I'm not mad or upset, or anything really. I'm numb. My mind feels like it's been electrocuted; struck by lightning that burnt away the dull haze that I'd been enveloped in. I still can't remember… my compulsion isn't cured, but the holes have been filled and the gaps are closed and the timing finally makes sense.

"Say it." I command in an easy, quite voice. He frowns, confused. "I want you to say it, Stefan. I already know, but you need to say it to me. I don't think it will feel real until I actually hear you say it."

Shifting his weight from one leg to the other, Stefan runs his hand through his hair then rests them on his hips, "Elena, I'm sorry, I-"

Shaking my head, I interrupt, "No, Stefan. Don't do that. Just say it. That's all I'm asking. I want you to take away even the shadow of a doubt."

He inhales deeply, slowly – his honest green eyes are glassy and shining, if it were possible I'd say they are actually making this dimly lit room brighter. "Allie is our daughter."

Stefan is so good with words. He could have said _I'm Allie's father _or _Allie is mine._ Somehow, hearing _Allie is our daughter_ in Stefan's soothing, deep voice makes it easier to mentally grasp. Allie is not his, she is ours.

Allie is our daughter. Stefan is my husband. Allie is ours.

Ok – then that settles it. I know what I have to do. Walking fast, I move past Stefan and head to the hallway closet. I feel him looking at me – I must seem like I've lost my mind, pulling out a box, searching for another.

"What are you d… can I get those?" Stefan asks. Ever the gentleman, he's worried that the boxes are too heavy for me. It's charming but I'm far too over-stimulated to appreciate it. Instead, I ignore him. He waits a moment, then comes to the closet. I waste no time and hand him one box, then stack the other on top of the one in his hands. He's a vampire – very strong – he can handle it. Shoving the items I had to remove in order to get to what I needed back into the closet, I pick up the third, and lightest box - use my foot to close the closet.

Stefan follows as I move to the living room.

He follows when I sit my box on the sofa table.

I don't know what to say so I gesture to the boxes. He looks confused.

"What is this?"

"This… is your Bonnie bag." Numb, yes, but I see the irony and can't fight the odd smile I feel curling at the corners of my mouth. It's not funny. Not in any way. It's heartbreaking! Maybe my brain is so zapped that it's sending the wrong signals… but the realization that our situations are incredibly similar makes me feel less alone. Stefan and I have lost four years that we'll never get back. I had my four years with him stolen from my mind while Stefan sacrificed four years with his daughter… all because of one lie. One quick moment of eye contact with Damon and everything was rewritten and this tragedy was set on course. "Everything you've missed with Allie is in these boxes." I have to fix this the same way Stefan helped me.

I'll deal with the residual effects of my newfound information later – Matt, the obvious threat of the Original's, telling Allie. All I want right now is to piece together what Stefan has missed in the same way that he walked me through the gaps in my mind.

I'm not mad at him, not really. I mean I'm angry that he couldn't come right back to Mystic Falls after he woke up in Rome, but I know that would have been bad for everyone! The Originals would have killed us all – made sure Stefan was actually dead that time, and we wouldn't be here now.

Opening the box I carried, I smile when I see the tiny lavender dress on top. "This is the dress I brought Allie home in."

You'd think I was handing him a block of gold, the way his steady hands hesitate just centimeters from the fabric, how his eyes widen and lips part a bit. I watch him holding her dress in his hands. Watch as Stefan fists his hands into the cotton as if he's trying to absorb the texture into his body and all I can think is how much I love this man that loves my daughter to the point that her dress brings him to a state of reverence.

My staring must be making him uncomfortable, as he explains "It's just so… it's tiny." And there's that champion smile of his, the one that makes my heart nearly jump out of my chest and tempts my lips to touch his – I want to kiss his smile.

Reminding myself this is not an appropriate time, I nod and we look at each other for a long moment – sharing smiles over the love we have for Allie, our daughter.

"This box is full of pictures," I open the cardboard flaps, take one of the scrapbooks from the bunch. "Everything from my belly growing into an enormous globe to ultrasound shots to her last birthday party at the lakehouse." Flipping it open, I can feel Stefan's body tensing as he takes in the pictures of me and Matt during my pregnancy. We're at least two feet apart, but I can truly feel the change and start to explain as some kind of an apology. "I was, um Matt… we –"

"You're so beautiful, Elena." Even though I can hear his honesty, I look up at Stefan like he's crazy. I'm between seven and eight months pregnant in these pictures, at least forty pounds heavier. "I can't believe I let all of this go."

It wasn't jealous tension I felt, it's regret – Stefan is regretting not coming back to Mystic Falls. "You had no choice. What could you have done?"

"I should have come back, fought for you, for Allie. I missed so much" That scratch in his voice is back, the one that tells me he's straining to keep it together.

Closing the scrapbook and sitting it back into its box, I lace my fingers with Stefan's and bring his hand to my face, kissing his fingers – a gesture of love that he's done to me so many times. I wonder if he feels the tremor of warmth flow through him like I do when I'm on the receiving end. "Everything you've missed is right here. You've got four years worth of scrapbooks and home videos and keepsakes to go through. I know it's not the same, but I think it will help." He smiles, cups my face in his hand and the warmth of his touch reverberates down my neck and into my chest. "When Allie is a bit older, we'll tell her the truth… I want you to know her and I want her to know you. You're not going to miss anything ever again, okay?"

Narrowing his grass green eyes a bit as if he's inspecting my face, like he's not certain if I'm real or not, Stefan scrapes his teeth over his bottom lip, looks at my mouth. "Thank you. You have no idea how badly I want this life, with you and Allie."

For the first time in as long as I can remember I'm not in the dark, I have all the information I could possible want and all I feel is gravity. Stefan pulls me against him, encompasses me in his arms and the frequency between us is warm and mellow and gently flowing through us. It feels like love… like a never ending, never failing, all-consuming connection.

I love Stefan – I've never known a love this strong, this powerful, could exist outside of the pages of a novel or the lines of a sonnet. I love that he's Allie's father. I love that I am his wife. I love that I am the mother of his child.

I love Stefan Salvatore. He's my best friend. He's my savior in so many ways. Stefan makes me whole… it wasn't the memories that I needed, it was Stefan. I'm whole, I'm not broken, because of Stefan, because of this once in a lifetime kind of love that we share.

"Stefan," This must be what it feels like before you jump off of a cliff – I'm tingling all over my body, my lips are buzzing against his shoulder –I'm going to tell him now. I love him, I'm just going to say it, just blurt it out. With my heart pounding in my chest , I turn to face him, pulling away just enough so I can look into his eyes when I tell him. "Stefan, I –"

The words are stuck, captured in my throat just a millisecond from my vocal chords! I can't even breathe! I feel like I'm choking on the four letters! I'm suddenly terrified of how Stefan is going to react! I can't love him like he loves me…

I love him for the two weeks I've been with him in North Carolina while he's loved me for six years – it's not even comparable!

With his soft green gaze burning into me, I know I can't give him my puny little declaration of love – he deserves so much more! – but I can't just stare at him… so I kiss him.

Its just a slow, indulgent slip of my lips against his, but I feel the strength of my legs give and Stefan's arms tighten around me. My lungs are stiff and oxygen seems in short supply, sucked out of the room by such a small kiss – the gravity more pressing now, forceful. "Stefan, I-" I try again, try to force it out of me. Nothing…

I feel the first signs of tears as my brow furrows and my lips begin to shake, all the while Stefan is looking at me with a gentleness in his eyes, his hands moving to each side of my face as he kisses my forehead and pulls me against him again – hugging me tightly.

"I know, Elena. It's okay, I know."

STEFAN's POV

Hearing her tell me she loves me would have been incredible – an inconceivably perfect ending to what has turned out to be the single best memory of my life. Meeting Allie and getting to know my daughter and her outgoing, sweet personality – there will never be anything to top it. From the way she laughs to how she rubs her nose when she's sleepy… I am in awe of my daughter. How could I ask for more? I know Elena wanted to tell me she loves me – and I'd die to hear it – but she's been compelled not to love me and I've already told her I don't want her to just say it to make me feel better… so in a way I'm glad she didn't go through with it. I'll love Elena until I no longer exist and I guess I've come to terms with the fact that she'll never be able to love me back. Besides, after telling me that she wants me to know Allie – that she's going to tell her that I am her father – I probably would have let myself believe her!

I've gone through all of the keepsakes; got to hear the stories attached to each item and hear Elena laugh and watch her eyes sparkle and glitter as she told me of her memories of Allie learning to walk and her first bath, did an impression of how she sounded when she was learning to talk. Halfway through the box of scrapbooks, Elena fell asleep on the couch and now I'm sitting here beside her watching a video on mute of Matt feeding an eight month old Allie and listening to Elena's heartbeat and gentle exhales and thanking God for her.

Maybe it's because I am exhausted and hungry, but even with Elena's feet in my lap and my hand on her shins, I'm beginning to feel lonely. I never really knew what I was missing and now that I'm seeing Matt living the life I could have had, it's ten times as painful.

Letting my heavy eyes move up her body to her beautiful face – she's like holy water, the only thing that can save me. I lay my head back on the couch and wonder if we might actually make it this time… _Stefan, Elena, and Allie Salvatore. _My eyes close, Elena's face etched into the back of my eyelids and I smile as I feel myself falling asleep – Elena can't love me, but she wants me in Allie's life… this is as close to the life I've always wanted as I am going to get.

"Stefan." Coming out of a very deep sleep, it takes me a moment to realize that it's not dream Elena whispering my name and brushing my hair back over my ears, "Stefan, wake up."

I don't know how long it's been since I've woke up smiling – elated – but that's what seeing Elena's face does to me. Her hair is a mess and she's got the red, slightly swollen eyes that comes from getting just barely enough sleep, but honestly, she's beautiful.

"Come on, you've got to go before Allie wakes up." She tugs at my hand, looks towards the hallway with a worried knitted brow. "She could be up any minute and I've got to get her ready for school."

Standing, I move to hold her but she's distracted by the threat of Allie waking up and turns away too quickly for my slow movements, still not fully awake. I watch as she moves towards the door, notice she's put away the three boxes of memories I'd gone through just hours ago. The room is still dark, barely any light at all coming in from the large windows. "What time is it?"

"A little after five." Elena says as she unlocks the deadbolt and slide lock on the door, then turns to me, gesturing for me to come to her - to leave.

"I'd like to go with you." Elena looks at me with a half-confused, half-irritated expression on her face – it wakes me up, sobers me from my slumber… there's been a change that I wasn't aware took place. Something is different now. "I mean, would you mind if I went with you to take Allie to school?"

With a heavy exhale, she gives a stern whisper, "That's not a good idea. She barely knows you and it's not safe."

_Not safe_ – "What's not safe?" Nearly fully alert now, I take a few wide strides and close the distance between us, notice that Elena is avoiding looking at me.

"Stefan, she's going to wake up any minute."

I can see the worry in her eyes, feel the anxiety in her body. When I reach out for her hand and she crosses her arms, looks at the floor, I wonder if she's changed her mind – feel the anger begin to rumble deep inside of my stomach. "I thought you wanted us to know each other…" I know my voice sounds like I'm accusing her, and I guess I am.

The moment she opens her mouth, the second I hear the coldness in her voice I know my accusations are spot on. "I was wrong. That's not going to work." She's changed her mind… "I mean, maybe we can work something out but this is far too dangerous, Stefan. Bonnie and Jeremy weren't talking about the Originals wanting me because I'm a doppelganger – they were talking about Allie. And that's why you didn't come back to Mystic Falls, isn't it? You knew the Original's would kill Allie if they ever learned she is yours…"

Elena is absolutely right. I know this is dangerous, it's incredibly risky, but I can't not take the chance. I can't let her go… I can't lose Allie. Nodding for an answer, I bite down and clench my teeth; the anger swelling as I absorb Elena's words – _This is not going to work. Work something out…_

"You have to go, Stefan." She's still not looking at me but her voice is stern as she opens the door. "You need to go home and tell Caroline you're coming to Dallas with her."

I'm losing again. My soul is cracking and there are no words to explain how painful it is to feel yourself breaking at each syllable. My mind's eye quickly pictures what my life would look like in Dallas… how I'd be dead inside, hollow and alone. "No. I'm not leaving you again."

Even though she's rejected my attempt at touching her once already, I can't stop myself from trying again – she pushes my hand away before my fingers can touch her face. "Stefan, please stop this. I have to do what's best for Allie."

"Elena…" I hate how in a single word my begging for her is evident, completely obvious.

Finally looking at me, it only hurts me worse when I see her endless brown eyes are glittery with unfallen tears, "They'll kill her, Stefan."

"I promise you, Elena, I'll never let that happen. I –"

In a quiet whisper, she cuts into me "They've killed you twice, Stefan, there is nothing you could do to stop them and you know it."

I've often heard the term _the truth hurts_ – never knew how true those words were until I hear Elena's faltered confidence in me. What can I say? They have killed me, twice! Once Rebekah just outplayed me at my own game and pawned my life for Elena's… the second time Kol stabbed me… maybe it's replaying the Temple and Rome in my head that fills me with anger, or the fact that the Originals are once again out maneuvering me without even playing against me – successfully taking Elena and Allie from me for a second time without even trying – but the anger that was seething in my gut has quickly boiled into my blood and I'm alive with fury. I can't speak – looking into Elena's clear, sharp eyes… she's not confused, she's not fighting with that haze that sometimes clouds her mind.

The sound of a door opening down the hallway – Allie is awake – turns both of our heads in the direction of the noise.

I want to stay. I want to see my daughter. I want to love my wife.

"Stefan, please… you've got to go, now."

ELENA's POV

"Mommy, look – My Little Pony!" Allie doesn't seem bothered at all about starting school, running off into her classroom the moment she spots the plastic tub of toys. Waiting on her teacher, I'm watching her go through the toybox with two other children and listening to their sweet conversations.

"Miss Gilbert?" Mrs. Wallace's voice is an audible smile – light and easy-going. She even looks the part of a pre-K teacher, dressed in an ill-fitting long blue jean dress and a flowered soft pink under shirt, her hair in a long braid down her back. Mrs. Wallace is probably no more than thirty-five, but her choice of clothing and unkept hair puts at least eight to ten years on her.

Sort of hating myself for making such a quick, and somewhat negative, observation on the woman smiling sweetly at me from behind her desk, I nod and do my best to return her smile with an innocent look in my eyes…

I've been in an extra vile mood since my epiphany this morning when I woke up and watched Stefan sleeping. Walked through my new-found information and abruptly came upon an unavoidable truth – I'd thought all along that when Bonnie and Jeremy mentioned Stefan and I together being a risk, too dangerous, that they were talking about me. When Stefan said it was _too dangerous_ for him to come back to Mystic Falls after Rome, I thought he meant he was worried the Original's would kill him… all along they've been talking about Allie. Allie's life is in danger because of how much I love Stefan. It doesn't matter how badly I need him or how I know my life will be a faded version of what it could be… Stefan has to go, he can't stay here. We can't be together… it's not an option, choosing Allie's safety over my deep need to be with him.

"Just look over these documents and make sure everything is correct." Mrs. Wallace scoots a few papers to my side of her desk. "If there is anything wrong, just scratch it out and write in the correct information. We'll change it in our database before class begins tomorrow morning." I look over the papers without picking them up as I've already double checked everything when I registered her. "Does she go by Alexia or a nickname?"

"Allie."

"Alrighty, Allie Gilbert it is then."

I've heard Allie Gilbert thousands of times… maybe a hundred thousand times… but now, knowing what I know, it sounds so wrong. So foreign. Allie's laugh catches my attention and I turn my head, find her sitting in the floor playing dolls with another little girl. Allie looks up at me, our eyes catch, and I see Stefan's green eyes looking back at me. She is not a Gilbert…

"Salvatore."

"Sorry?" Mrs. Wallace asks, confused.

I can't be with Stefan. Hell I can't even tell him that I'm in love with him… but Allie is his daughter and coming from seventeen years of deceit while believing I was the child of John and Miranda Gilbert, I will not allow my daughter to be deceived in that way. She'll know her father.

We may have to sneak around. He'll have to go to Dallas - we can talk on the phone, Skype, meet up periodically - but Allie will know the truth and she'll know she belongs to Stefan.

"Allie Salvatore. Her father's name is Salvatore."

**MORE TO COME! Follow me IChooseStefan on Twitter! **

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	14. Chapter 14

**CHAPTER 14 – THE BROKEN**

"Screw that!. Just stay." Damon had heard enough, his irritation with Elena's switchback and with Stefan's moping quickly reaching a fever pitch. "She has no idea what's best so you should do what you want to do."

Try as he might, Stefan could not pull his eyes away from the tumbler of blood – trailing each movement of Damon's hand. From the arm rest, to his lips, switching hands – Stefan's throat tightened with the craving, mouth watered from the scent. Even through the thick want that clouded his senses, he knew Damon was toying with his drink in a way to antagonize him, tempt him.

Turning his body completely away from Damon, from the red liquid calling out to him, Stefan tried to busy himself with fastening the buttons of his shirt. "I can't, Damon. What I want doesn't matter. I've got to do what's best for them."

Growing tired of the 'dangling carrot' game he'd been playing with Stefan as he slowly sipped at his glass of blood, Damon tipped it back and swallowed the remaining amount in a large gulp, letting it wash through his entire mouth before taking it down. "What's best for them is us staying here, is you sticking around."

Stefan looked at his brothers reflection in the mirror, lounging in the leather arm chair next to his bed, staring right back with an equally as aggravated expression. "I know that. I know I should stay… but Elena wants me to leave, so I leave."

Giving a dramatic roll of his eyes, Damon huffs loudly, "That's bullshit, Stefan. If you love her, you fight for her."

"That's the thing, you don't understand how I feel about Elena, about Allie – you _can't_ understand and that's fine, but I need you to stay out of this. This is between me and Elena –"

Feeling the verbal smack from Stefan's words, Damon cuts him off, "I know if I were in your shoes I'd be over there right now. I wouldn't be leaving. End of story."

With a nod, Stefan tucked in his shirt, fastened his pants and belt – already running a bit late, he knew that he and Damon would not come to any kind of resolution no matter how long they debated. "You're not in my shoes, Damon. You'll never have to face leaving your daughter and wife so you have no right to tell me what I should be doing!"

"Whatever," Damon followed his baby brother from the master bedroom, down the hall and into the living room. "Just don't expect me to follow you to Texas. I'm staying." Feeling Caroline's eyes on him and watching as his words stopped Stefan in his tracks, Damon inhaled deeply to continue, "That's my niece. Besides you she's the only family I have and I'm not leaving."

Pivoting in place, Stefan turned to face Damon with a frustrated, somehow false smile, "You think you're being strong – like you're the tough one because you're going to stay. But the truth is Damon, this is just another sign that you're too weak to put their needs in front of what you want!" Using Damon's words in reverse, Stefan tries again to make his brother understand, "If _you love them_, then you'll let Elena decide what is best. You'll leave here and let them live their lives the way they want to… without me, without you."

"Martyr yourself all you like, brother, but don't kid yourself… it has nothing to do with loving Elena." Even though he was stinging, registering his brothers statement as the truthful, yet sharp insult it was meant to be, Damon waved his hand at Stefan as if to brush off his words, dismiss them as insignificant.

Raising his voice a bit, growing tired of Damon's attempted interference, Stefan says, "It has everything to do with loving Elena! I will _always_ put her first, Damon. Even when I know she's wrong… without a shadow of a doubt I know that what she's asking me to do is wrong, but I'll always let her decide _because_ I love her enough to suffer through it."

Unable to come up with a response, Damon glared at his brother for a long moment – taking note of his furrowed brow, slumped shoulders, and tired eyes. Arguing with Stefan about all of this now, with Stefan wrapped up in the fresh ache of rejection was useless. Besides, he was losing the debate and would need to consider a different angle before taking on the subject again. "Just go to work. Go on, play human."

Stefan didn't respond – just headed towards the door, slamming it shut behind him.

He could feel Caroline's disapproving gaze and though Damon tried to ignore it, going to the refrigerator and filling his glass with blood for a third serving, she continued to stare at him. "What?"

She gave an over-pronounciated shrug, crossing her legs and leaning against the kitchen island countertop. "You know what or you wouldn't be asking."

Damon rolled his eyes and gave a loud, exasperated sigh, "He's going to hate himself for this, Caroline." Even he was surprised with the blurted out explanation as to why he'd been at Stefan with such determination. The truth of it all was that Damon wasn't so much concerned with Allie or Elena, but worried about his brother… the tired eyes and the fatigue he saw in Stefan's usual square shouldered stance, it was bothersome, upsetting for Damon to see Stefan like this.

Softening to Damon a bit as she absorbed his concern for Stefan, Caroline nodded in agreeance, "I'll talk to her."

STEFAN's POV

I'm not going to be able to stay here all day. I'm starving.

I'm so hungry that I can almost feel my veins drying up and even in my office with the door shut and shades pulled all I can hear is the rumbling of human hearts beating – Robert's is faster and has a deeper thump to it as if his heart is working a bit harder than it should have to. Jennifer's is the loudest though, a flittering heartbeat that reminds me of a butterfly's wings. It's not fast, just a light, short pulsating that makes my stomach growl. When I heard the very slow, weak, almost rhythm-less pounding – like a clock running out of time, too slow – I had to find out who the heartbeat belonged to. It didn't take long to pick up Pepper's voice and match the weak tone to her weak pulse.

I shouldn't be eavesdropping, but I promised myself I'd step in if it got too bad –

Robert is trying to sound unconcerned, removed from the situation as he asks Pepper about her appointment with the oncologist, but her response -"Just a few weeks."- makes Robert's heart palpitate, actually skip a few beats and puts it out of rhythm for a few seconds.

Robert and I share a lot in common – we both love to read, any and everything, we truly love literature. We've found a comradory over basketball and football, he even enjoys cooking for his family in the same way I do – yet, the main link between Robert Dexter and I is the fact that we both have shitty luck.

Robert has been married twice.

At nineteen, his first marriage ended after only six months when Robert and his wife got into a terrible car accident that threw her from the front seat of his newly purchased 1986 Firebird. Normally a dedicated, unfailing wearer of a seatbelt, Amy – his first wife – had only unbuckled long enough to look in the backseat for her jacket… long enough for a logging truck to pull out in front of them.

Robert remarried at thirty and he had three children with his second wife, Teresa. His youngest daughter died from a heart condition she had from birth… they buried their four month old daughter and a week later Robert found Teresa's body, nearly completely drained of blood in their master bathroom. She'd cut her wrists and bled out her pain, leaving Robert to raise their remaining two children and grieve for his wife and their youngest daughter.

"She was like a cleansing rain." I can still hear Robert as he said those words to me, explaining how he knew the instant he met Pepper that she was the love of his life – I remember how I pictured Elena's eyes as he spoke.

He and I were discussing a manuscript just a few weeks into my first month as editor when he told me his life story… telling me how he'd been in a state of grieving since he was nineteen in some way of trying to explain to me why he and Pepper were dating – as if he was afraid I would judge my boss for dating the co-editor.

I didn't judge, honestly I didn't really care that Robert was dating a staff member. He was atleast fourty-five and Pepper, nearly fifty. They weren't children, by any means, so what they did on their own time was none of my business. But I listened to Robert tell me how they met at a conference in Chicago. Pepper divorced an abusive husband in her thirties and never remarried. By the time I was hired at Paestum Publishing, Robert and Pepper had been together for three years and when she was diagnosed with the late stages of pancreatic cancer I'd just hit my one year mark.

Over the next fourteen months, Pepper went through chemo-therapy, radiation, trial drugs, and various studies. The treatments and trials took her smooth red hair, dulled the radiant blue in her eyes, and gave her skin a yellowish gray tint, but even today – with _just a few weeks_ to live – Pepper is a beautiful woman.

She smiles as soon as she sees me enter Robert's office and it hurts me to notice that smiling seems somewhat laborious for her now. Robert and Pepper took to Caroline and I with open arms and over the few years I've worked for Robert, nearly all of my memories of Pepper include her easy, bright smile and youthful laugh.

"Stefan, how are you, dear?" I go directly to her without looking at Robert. I know what it's like to feel like everyone is watching you as you break down and I don't want to have any part in that.

"I'm fine, I'm good." There's no point in asking her how she is… she's lost every ounce of extra weight she once carried that gave her face a sweet softness and gentle curves to her once fit body. I hope she doesn't feel me examining her now angular cheek bones and pointed shoulders.

Kissing my cheek as I hug her, she coos into my ear just as I hear Elena give Jennifer a good morning. "Robert tells me you're in love!"

I give a nod, a shrug – what do I say? Yes, I am in love but it's worthless… Thankfully, Robert moves quickly and catches our attention.

"I need to talk with Elena about that manuscript." Still not looking at me, I can see Robert's brown eyes are wet and I watch his hands instead of his face as he speaks. "You're author is flying in on Wednesday night to discuss our suggestions on Thursday."

Pepper and I stay quiet, let Robert gather a few papers and head out towards Elena's office before we speak again. "He's very upset. Take him out for lunch, will you?" I turn back to Pepper, imagine what her bald scalp must look like beneath the teal paisley scarf she has tied around her head… even in this state so close to death, Pepper is a very pretty woman. "I would, but I tire so easily. I'd probably fall asleep in the middle of my salad!"

Her forced laugh cuts at me deeply and any shadow of doubt that I had about my decision is dissolved.

With a nod, I move to shut Robert's office door so I can speak with Pepper in private. I can't force Elena to let me stay, I can't expect her to ever love me again, but at the very least I can keep Robert from losing his soulmate.

ELENA's POV

Robert isn't really making sense. I mean, he's telling me that author of the manuscript Stefan is championing is coming in for our meeting on Thursday instead of Friday, but other than that he's basically rambling and flipping through pages of an unrelated book.

I barely got into my office before he followed me in and I've been standing here, holding my purse and my just-in-case umbrella, listening to his almost incoherent sentences for close to ten minutes. Just as I'm about to ask him if he's okay – there's a thin sheen of sweat on his forehead and I've just noticed the shaking of his hands – Stefan comes to my door.

Even after sleeping sitting up on my couch with my feet in his lap, then my terrible attitude and our argument this morning, Stefan looks completely put together – very GQ in his black button up shirt and dark grey slacks. I don't miss that Stefan's eyes never once look at me.

"Rob, I'm going to walk Pepper out to her car, I'll be back in about half an hour."

Stefan doesn't wait for an answer, just says his piece and leaves my door just as quickly as he came to it. Pepper is here? I've never met her and I'm curious to see this woman that Stefan is going to use a full thirty minutes to walk to her car.

Robert nods an _ok_ well after Stefan has gone and the front door of the office closes – the shades slamming against the window of the door is Paestum Publishing's version of a doorway bell.

"Ok, so Thursday then. Okay?" Robert finally finishes his mess of a one-sided discussion and leaves my office before I can even confirm that I understand – which I don't. But that's okay, because I'm being eaten alive by the thoughts racing through my mind of a newly single Stefan and a woman with a name like Pepper… who names their kid Pepper?

Moving quickly, I peek out of my window, trying to spot them, but the street is empty of any parked cars. I try to fight it, ignore my desperate need to spy on Stefan and _Pepper_, but it's knotting inside of me, almost painful jealousy. The very small window in the ladies room has a somewhat decent view of the parking lot behind the building and I make a beeline for the restroom in order to ease my frantic mind – by the time I make to the window I've already convinced myself that I'm going to find Stefan pinning her against the car with his hands working their way over her body.

It doesn't take but a second to spot them, leaning against a silver Jaguar and smiling at one another. Stefan is tall and has a lean, long build, but compared to Pepper, he could be a giant! She's probably my height, but even from this distance I can see she's nothing but skin and bones – the scarf on her head tells me she must be ill and I feel a bit sick to my stomach for the terrible thoughts I'd been thinking about her – Pepper doesn't seem like such a terrible name now that I see her.

I'm intently watching them and trying to read their lips, wishing I could hear the conversation that is causing Pepper to cover her mouth with her hand. Standing on my tiptoes, trying my best to see her face when Stefan moves in front of her, his shoulder blocking my view, I see Stefan bring his hand to his face –

"What are you looking at?" Jennifer's voice startles me and I nearly fall off of my Steve Madden cork heels.

I don't know if its just my guilty conscience making me feel like Jennifer's crossed arms, pursed lips, and sharp tone are blaming, but I feel my face flush – I've been caught red handed. "Um, the weather." I spit out and it's actually not a bad excuse, "It's supposed to rain."

"Hmm." That's her response. I know she knows that I was spying to Stefan and Pepper, but I'm sticking to my story. Jennifer doesn't move as I look at myself in the mirror, quickly run my fingers through my hair, then move past her and back to my office, quietly cursing myself for being a crazy-girlfriend… ex-girlfriend.

_There is something about interfering with fate that makes me feel quite un-nerved… like I've painted a large target on my back by changing the course of God's plan. I wouldn't say I feel guilty for what I did with Pepper – I mean, I explained everything to her, fully vamped out in Robert's office to prove to her that I wasn't just a lunatic with a Twilight obsession… then I gave her a choice. She didn't even have to think about it. The moment I told her that she could drink my blood and the cancer would be gone by morning I saw the radiant blue in her eyes spark like fire – Pepper wants to live. She wants to be with Robert. So no, I don't feel guilty at all, but I know that playing God is a dangerous game… but what do I have to lose now?_

_I didn't go back to the office – instead I drove Pepper home and put her to bed, sat out on the dock and kept a look out just in case something might have threatened to go wrong. I've never changed anyone into a vampire and didn't want to take any changes with Pepper. Besides, I've got a lot on my mind and there is something about salty sea air and grassy beaches that help me think clearly. I've been reorganizing and shifting my thoughts around all day, ignoring Elena's phone calls and not reading her texts… and I keep coming to the same conclusion – I don't want to leave. _

_It's selfish to stay. I get that, I really do… but in six years I've never once forced my wishes on Elena, not one time have I asked her to do something she was against or uncomfortable with – I kind of feel like if I am ever going to play that card, this is the time to do it. My only hang up is I can't equate the risk involved for Allie – will my being in her life increase likelihood of the Original's making a move against her? Or does it make sense to have me around as a buffer… if they come, I'll gladly die for her. I'll fight until my heart is pulled from my chest or they're all dead – whichever comes first. _

_Maybe Damon is right… going on the offensive might be the right move here. I just don't know yet, I can't figure out my next move, so until I come to a decision, I'm going to Dallas._

I don't even have to look at my phone, I know it's Elena. Closing my journal, I toss it onto my desk top and lay back on my bed, digging my toes into the carpet.

Elena: Ignoring me? Really?

Stefan: Still want me to go to TX?

It takes a few minutes for her to respond and the buzzing in my hand pulls me from a near-sleep fog.

Elena: I still say it's the only option we have.

She can string it out in as many words as she wants to. Try to dress it up and make it look like something other than a brush off, but the fact remains, Elena does not want me in their life. I wish I could just accept it, be okay with her wishes, but I'm not the same guy I was when Elena and I met six years ago. I've been scarred and bent and broken time and time again… the pain inside of me is no longer as easy to keep contained.

Stefan: Then I don't see any reason to prolong it.

I've just set my phone on my chest and closed my eyes when it rings. Flicking the screen with my thumb, I bring it to my ear and start out a 'hello' but Elena cuts me off.

"What does that mean?"

I match the irritation in her tone – she has no right to be angry with me. "It means if I'm leaving on Saturday – might as well end it now."

"No one said anything about ending it, Stefan. We can work something out. I'll keep you updated on things going on with Allie and you and I can meet up on weekends that she's with her da—when she's with Matt."

"We can meet up on weekends?" I am beginning to wonder if Elena's major need for me is more physical than anything else. It makes sense… she isn't able to love me because of Damon's compulsion, but she feels something for me I know. I can see it in her eyes sometimes and it looks so much like love that it's fooled me more than once… but telling me she'd like to hook up every now and then, that's kind of insulting. "So what? Do you think we need a nice hotel or would something on an hourly rate work just as well?"

"What are you talking about?" I can feel myself about to go off the handle – the tension in my neck and shoulders is only beat out by the ache in my gums – I need to pull back a bit. I stay quiet, my body stiff and the misguided anger flowing through me like venom. After a long moment, Elena speaks again, "You know that's not what I'm saying, Stefan. I want us to be together and if we have to sneak around then so be it… I lo-"

Allie's voice interrupts her - "Mommy, can I have some water?" - Despite the rage coursing through me, the deep pain that my mind is morphing into anger, I smile the instant I hear her – feel my body ease a bit.

"Just a minute, sweetie, Mommy is on the phone." When she speaks to me again, I notice that Allie's presence has removed the sharp tone in Elena's voice, "Can we talk about this in the morning? Please, Stefan?"

I don't agree, just give her an open-ended, "Okay." Less the meeting on Thursday, I don't plan on going to work at all this week. I emailed Robert a resignation letter before I wrote in my journal and I'm pretty sure that Pepper has probably told him the truth about me – that I'm a vampire with real fangs and veiny red eyes and magical blood that will cure her cancer by sun up… the last thing I want to do is have Robert look at me like I'm some kind of a freak and help Elena work out some kind of a weekend fling schedule.

I'm either staying here – one hundred percent committed or I'm moving to Dallas and leaving her behind once and for all… I cannot do a middle ground, never could – not with blood, not with Elena.

ELENA's POV

"Where are you? I thought we were going to talk! Stefan you can't just ignore me… please, call me back."

I've lost count of the voicemails I've left for him. It's just past noon and I should be eating my leftovers from last nights take out, but I have zero appetite and cannot concentrate on the manuscript that Stefan wants published and Robert wants edited. It's three hundred and thirty eight pages and I've made it fifty pages in with less than forty-eight hours to go before our meeting with the author.

I should be eating lunch - instead, I'm sitting outside of Stefan's apartment building. I can't get into the parking garage to see if his Mustang is here, so I may as well get on it with it – stop prolonging what I know I'm going to do and get on with my crazy ex-girlfriend move.

By the time I make it up the elevator and my very heavy legs take me to his door, I've completely committed myself to what I know is going to be a show down between Stefan and I – I've got to make him understand my point of view. I love him. I can't imagine not being with him… but I have to choose Allie. Over and above all else I am a mother and my wants and needs come second to what is best for my daughter. I just hope he's willing to take-on a long-distance, nontraditional version of a relationship… Knocking on his door, I literally ache with fear that he's going to tell me no.

When Caroline opens the door, I can see she's been crying and my train of thought is lost in concern for her… a vampire I've thought to be my enemy for years. Through the compulsion, through the lies, my heart knows Caroline is not my enemy.

"Hey, Elena." She tries a smile as she wipes at her wet cheeks with the back of her hand. "Stefan's not here; he and Damon went-" Her voice catches and I see her chin quiver a bit and suddenly I'm not here for Stefan.

It's instant and automatic, reaching out for Caroline and hugging her to me. I don't know why she's crying, but without a doubt I know she is my friend the same way that I know I belong to Stefan.

CAROLINE's POV

It's been kind of therapeutic – spilling out all the memories of Klaus for the first time. Even though I know Elena feels nothing but hatred for him, she's listened to me replaying the summer I fell in love with him without any kind of judgment or criticism. I've never been able to tell anyone these things – how Klaus treated me, how he made me feel, how I knew within days of leaving with him for France that I was in way too deep. He and I had a connection from very early on and, while I told Stefan that I was sure I could string him along and lead him to the Temples, there was a part of me that just wanted a reason to explore the pull I felt whenever he was around. Stefan's plan to have me befriend him, lead him on, lead him to his being captured, it was all just an excuse – a ruse for me to justify spending time with him.

No one will ever know Klaus like I know him – not his siblings, not Stefan. When I woke up this morning, after a night full of dreaming of his bleached sky-blue eyes and that smile, and I saw the date on my phone, I held it together just long enough for Stefan and Damon to leave and I've been bawling ever since.

"…I half expected him to cough out yellow tweety bird feathers, the way Klaus smiled at me sometimes." I sniffle and laugh and smile and cry all at the same time, my thumb grazing back and forth over the engraved words on my watch. Elena laughs with me, cries with me, gives my leg a squeeze. "I know this probably seems crazy to you – he was awful to you and I'm sorry for that. But I just really, really miss him, Elena."

"No, I get it." She sighs, brushing my hair back. "In my journals I wrote over and over how you and Klaus were perfect together. How I didn't understand until the weekend in Naples and how everyone was giving you grief about it, but Stefan and I understood why you loved him. I wish there was something I could do, you know." There is nothing that she can do. Nothing that anyone can do – it's for the best, really. For everyone but me and Klaus that is… I'm lost in my thoughts of how being without Klaus is a kind of payback for how snotty I was as a human, how terrible I was to my mom and more than anything, for that man I killed the night I transitioned, when Elena says, "I'm sorry. For how I treated you the other night, when I came over. I don't know why, I just feel this really intense jealousy about your relationship with Stefan."

I knew she was jealous, even suspicious of me and Stefan, but hearing her actually say it sounds silly – I can't help my chuckle when I say, "Elena, he loves you."

I wonder if she knows what that means – that Stefan loves her… Elena used to know Stefan the way I know Klaus, Elena knew at one time in her life that Stefan was ultra-guarded and quite closed off… allowing himself to love her the way that he does is serious and probably difficult for him to do. She nods, tries to fight of that warm smile that you get when you think of someone you really truly care for, "I know. I know he does. I love him too… I love him so much, Caroline."

Now she's getting teary – our roles reversing as I lean over to her and take her hands, "Then what is the problem? You love him. Work it out."

"I'm scared. I'm terrified of how much I love him, of the Originals killing Allie. I'm so scared that they're going to find out that Stefan's alive and I'm going to lose him once and for all…" Her sobs are really beginning to pick up and for the first time since we've re-entered each others lives, I really feel like the Elena I once knew is back and gone is the girl on pills and waves of anxiety. "I don't know if I can make it through losing him again."

_I wish I could remember the Klaus that sang along with Guns-n-Roses, danced into the night, rooted for rugby games, and loved Caroline the way Stefan loves me… he sounds like a great guy. The same vampire that killed Jena and John, the same vampire that drank from my neck and released his hybrid gene… the very same one that compelled Stefan to hurt me and turn off his humanity… I would love to remember the Klaus that Caroline loves._

_I re-read my journal entries and today, four years ago, I came back from Spain and Caroline returned from a trip to France with Klaus… I was trying to weave my way through cheating on Stefan with Damon while, though I didn't know it at the time, Caroline was working with Stefan, falling in love with Klaus, and leading him to his demise all at the same time. _

_She and I talked for a long while – I said to her all the things I should have said to Stefan. I told her that I loved him and how I couldn't bring myself to tell him. How I feel like my love is small and insignificant compared to how he loves me. Caroline thought that was hilarious, saying 'Stefan would burn in the sun if it would lead to you telling him how you feel!"_

_Though I apologized for my jealousy, it's still around and I can't shake it, but she answered a lot of questions for me. One in particular I'm still struggling with… Yes, she and Stefan have had sex. More than once. I tried my best not to stare at her with hate in my eyes, but I don't know how well I played the 'I'm totally okay with this' act… I know, I know. Stefan and I haven't been together in a long time and I've slept with Matt many times, but Stefan is mine! If I get to sleep tonight (I've been battling insomnia again and I'm doing my best to ignore the coincidence that it ended when Stefan came into my life and has picked back up now that he's leaving) – if I get to sleep I know I'm going to have nightmares of his hands on her body and her mouth on his skin…_

_I also learned that he's never told her he loved her. She said she knows he doesn't love her any more than she loves him. Thinking about it now, he hasn't told me he loves me either – not really. I don't count the lust induced 'I love you' simply because we were lost in the moment – crazy with impulsive desire for one another… I'd burn in the sun to hear him say it too._

_Caroline seemed to be rooting for me to go to Stefan and confess my love and steal her boyfriend. It's closing in on midnight and he still hasn't returned any of my calls or text messages and I'm tempted to call him and beg him to come over… the only thing stopping me is how he accused me of wanting him for sex… Calling him up at midnight and inviting him over could easily be taken as a booty call, so I've turned off my phone and left it in the kitchen to keep me from doing it anyway._

_I miss him so badly… I haven't seen him since Monday morning and I'm praying that I'll get to work in the tomorrow and smell that Stefan smell and hear his Stefan laugh and be wrapped up in the Stefan gravity._

I'm really down this morning. After I dropped Allie of at school, I went by Stefan's coffee shop – hung around as long as I could as I very slowly sipped my coffee and ate tiny bites of my muffin… just begging God to let me 'run into' Stefan. He never showed and I already missed half a days work talking with Caroline and couldn't risk being late for my morning meeting with Robert and Jennifer. Since the meeting ended, I've been holed up in my office, listening to James Morrison and fading out from my reality – Stefan is leaving on Saturday, on my birthday, and I've got very little time to fix this and an even smaller chance of getting him to understand if he won't even pick up the phone!

DAMON's POV

Stefan is so. depressing. to be around.

I'm talking a real beating to just be in the same room with. Luckily, most of the time he's been in his room or reading on the balcony, but it's started to rain out and Caroline is getting ready to go to a bar in his room so he's slumped over on the couch while I try to catch up on Tosh.O

When I'm in the middle of laughing at some dumb ass on TV and I notice that Stefan is staring at the screen but has no reaction, I decide I need to run a little interference. I know my little brother, if there's a way out of going to a bar with me he'll take it – he prefers to wallow in his broody little mind all alone – so I jump in the shower and get changed before I even bring it up to him.

When I come out of the extra bedroom, the TV is off and he hasn't moved – he's just watching the rain and it takes all I have not to smack him. "Come on, get up. We're going to get drunk."

Stefan sighs, rolls his head from side to side as he starts to object, but Caroline chimes in from the hallway as she saunters into sight – she's wearing a black tank top with a red lacy bra peeking out of the top and a pair of barely there red shorts. Stefan is oblivious to everything around and doesn't even take a minute to look her over – I do. "Yea, Stef, come on. Come out with us."

_With us_ – alright, so it'll be the three of us.

I grab Stefan's shoulders and give him a little shake, "We'll get drunk off of our asses like we did when we were kids. Come on, it'll be fun, you need to get out of the house."

"I have to work in the morning." Stefan leans over, rests his elbows on his knees. "You two go on, I'm fine."

Caroline has emptied a bag of blood into two glasses and rolls her eyes behind Stefan's back as she hands one to me. I nod as a thank you and a 'he's an insufferable bastard', then take a long drink.

"It'll be our last time to go out in Wilmington, please Stefan!" Caroline asks so sweetly, that I'm surprised he's able to resist. When he stands and heads to the hall, I decide I need to take drastic measures if I'm going to get him out of this funk.

"Tell you what, brother, I'll come to Texas and leave Allie and Elena here if you'll come out with Caroline and me tonight." Stefan looks at me like I'm lying – I guess I am because I was planning on going to Texas with them anyway, but he doesn't know that and my offer is rolling around in his brain… I can see the change in his eyes when he smiles and nods, taking my offer.

By the time Stefan has showered and changed, Caroline and I are already pretty buzzed on a box of wine and Stefan is immediately the odd man out – sober and depressed. I'm surprised when he accepts the full-to-the-brim tumbler of tequila that I hand him and he downs it without even looking at it. This guy, this version of Stefan, it's my absolute favorite. He is one hundred percent the brother I remember from 1864 – ready to drink and happy to fight.

He even gives a decent laugh when on the way out of the door I say "Do you know the best way to get over a girl? Another girl."

STEFAN's POV

I know Damon is trying to get me laid by bringing all these girls over here but I'm not even entertaining the idea. Caroline can tell I'm not into it and she's sticking pretty close by and playing the girlfriend role whenever one of Damon's very stripper-esque women doesn't seem to get the point – I'm not interested.

Don't get me wrong, I'm having a good time, I guess. I mean, the music is good and I'm really incredibly drunk – drunk like _left Elena with Damon and I'm in Naples_ drunk – and just like in Naples, the more I drink the more I miss her. Luckily, I'm a happy drunk and I don't even feel tempted by the smell of blood when Damon pins a girl against the bar and bites into her neck. I've been pounding back shots of tequila and glasses of vodka and orange juice and I think I've counted six bottles of Guinness... finishing up my seventh, I refill my shot glass and do one last hit of Petron before I stand and head towards the door. I've fulfilled the requirement to get Damon on board for Texas and now I want to see Elena. It took quite a bit of alcohol, a not-so-elaborate plan to kill Elijah and Kol and Rebekah with Damon's help, and three days away from her, but I've come to a decision and I need to see Elena. I love her.

"Where are you going?" Caroline asks in a laugh. Dancing on top of the table, she falls easily onto my back as I pass. I scoop my arms under her knees and she hugs onto my shoulders and I don't even slow down, I just want to see Elena.

We aren't but a few feet into the cool night air before Damon is beside us, bottle of whiskey in hand… I have my brother and I have my Caroline, now I need my wife and my daughter.

I know I should call – it's after two in the morning, but my mind is drowning in tequila and adrenaline – I just want to see her.

Caroline, now walking, slips on the wet pavement and falls on her ass and Damon and I laugh and he helps her up, and I just keep walking. I need to see Elena.

By the time we make to Elena's apartment building, Damon and I have polished off the whiskey and I feel like a million dollars – I'm indestructible. I need to see Elena. I love her.

ELENA's POV

"E-Ley-naaahh!" Damon's voice is carrying through the walls. I'm moving as fast as I can, moving my journals off of my lap, getting out of bed, and making my way to the front door while Damon calls my name in a sing-songy voice and I hear Caroline's muffled giggling.

Just before I open the door, I catch Stefan's half-hearted, laughing reprimand, telling them to be quiet. The moment I see him, leaning against the door frame with his sly smile and burning eyes I know he's drunk. It doesn't change the fact that I instantly want to kiss him. I haven't laid eyes on his beautiful Roman face and V-shaped body in days – the frequency revs up the moment our eyes meet.

"E-Leynah!" Damon cheers, twirling a drunk Caroline around in place as she continues to giggle.

Looking back at Stefan, the way he's gazing up at me with his head tilted down a bit and his hands deep in his pockets, I just smile at him. "I should have called I'm sorry I shouldn't have ignored your calls and texts but I was thinking about us you know." WOW, he's very drunk. Stefan's words are slightly slurred and he's speaking in long, punctuation-less sentences.

"Come in." I gesture for them to come inside as Damon and Caroline are quite loud and the last thing I want is for someone to call the police about my three drunk vampires.

"I'm not going to stay Elena I just need to tell you something okay." Stefan reaches for my hand and brings it to his mouth, kisses my fingers, my inner wrist. He's an absolutely adorable drunk! "I'm not leaving okay I'm going to stay because I want to stay and I hate leaving you"

"Stefan," I'm going to tell him that he can't stay. That we'll work out a way for us to be together but he has to go and that we'll make it because we love each other, but he continues.

"We are so good together. You make me feel like a good person and I'm not a good person but you make me feel like I'm not a monster and like I'm alive and I can't let that go again. I can't lose you Elena because I love you so much and I need you and I want to be a good father to Alexia because I want her to know how to swim." He laughs and I'm trying hard not to look frustrated with Drunk Stefan finally telling me how he feels in incoherent sentences. "I mean, I want to teach her how to swim and I want to take her to school and read her books."

"Stefan, you have to go. We've already talked about this, The Originals-" again he interrupts and again Damon is twirling Caroline and their dancing without music.

"No its okay I'm going to hunt them down first okay." Stefan moves to kiss my hand again but I pull away from him, I'm suddenly tense with fear. This is exactly what I didn't want him to do! I can live with seeing Stefan on alternate weekends and summer getaways. I can make it until Allie is grown and able to take care of herself to be with Stefan but I cannot deal with Stefan getting killed. I was in a deep, horrible depression for four years without being aware that it was because of losing Stefan… I may actually die if I lose him again. "Damon and me we're going to find them and kill them, so it's going to be okay. We can be together and Allie will be safe. I love you so much. I'm sorry I didn't answer when you called and sent text messages. I love you."

My mind is muddled with hearing him tell me he loves me and images of that crossbow bolt in his back and the blood covered dress – I barely feel it when he reaches for me and pulls me against his chest. I barely hear myself when I say, "Stefan, stop."

"It's going to be okay, really I know it is. I love you and I'll do anything to get to be with you and Allie." Cupping my face, Stefan looks into my eyes and even though I know he's well past intoxicated, I feel it deep in my soul when he says, "Elena, I love you"

Holding onto that moment, I try to etch the way he's looking at me into my mind – the light green of his eyes, his heavy eyelashes, the nude-pink of his lips smiling at me… I love him. I love him and I can't let him get himself killed! I'm not sure what to do or what I'm going to say but I open my mouth and just start talking as I pull his hands from my face – "Stefan I'm sorry, but you have to go to Dallas. I know you love me and I wish I could remember everything that you do, but I don't love you, Stefan. I don't want to be with you. You need to go to Dallas and move on. I'm so sorry, but I do not love you."

Damon and Caroline stop laughing, they freeze in place – I feel them looking at us but all I can see is Stefan's grass green eyes turning from happy and excited to hurt and confused. He takes a step back, puts his hands on his hips, presses his teeth into his lip and looks at the floor,

"Elena, I…" He sighs, his shaky breath hurts me and as badly as I want to go to him and hold him and tell him that I'm lying and that I love him I know I have to stay the course – I have to go through with this in order to keep him from hunting the Originals. "Maybe one day you will love me?" His voice is almost pleading as he looks up at me with tear-filled eyes.

Stealing myself, I cross my arms tightly across my chest, shaking my head. "I have a great time with you, I mean you're lots of fun and a nice guy, but I just don't see it happening. I'm sorry."

With each word I see him implode a bit more. I watch his heart breaking through his telling green eyes. When his lips begin to quiver and he bites at them I have to look away – I don't want to see him losing control. I don't want to be the person responsible for breaking Stefan Salvatore.

I'm still staring at the carpet when he leaves. I can't bring myself to look up at Damon and Caroline even when I hear the door to the stairwell open.

"What the fuck was that?" Damon nearly hisses at me. "I thought Stefan was wrong when he said you weren't the same girl you used to be… but damn was he right."

I don't need a work-down from Damon right now and snarl at him, "Don't get any ideas Damon. One major difference is that I'm disgusted by you."

"Oh trust me, Elena, there's only one Salvatore brother who gives a damn about you and rest assured it's not me. I know you like to have a couple of guys on the side, so you might want to start looking around."

I'm not completely sure what he's talking about but it pisses me off nonetheless. I almost scream at him as he turns to follow Stefan, "Go to hell, Damon!"

Caroline watches Damon leave, waits for the stairwell door to shut before she looks at me. I just shrug. She knows I'm lying – Caroline knows that I love Stefan and she knows what its like knowing that she'll never be able to see Klaus again. With a barely-there nod, Caroline tells me she understands why I had to do it – why I had to end things with him.

DAMON's POV

I hear the glass break before I find Stefan standing in the shards – the moment I exit the lobby I see Stefan's bloody fist and the broken car window. At the same time, we both pick up the sound of a woman's voice no more than a few hundred yards away and I react as quickly as I can, moving to block his way.

Pushing me, Stefan tries to get by me – his urge to kill multiplied by Elena's cruel words. "You don't want to do this, brother."

I'm half talking about killing the woman down the street and half talking about fighting me, but he doesn't seem worried about either and he pushes me again – this time much harder and I'm reminded of the last time we fought when he was human and his strength was almost more than I could handle. I shove him back with as much force as I can muster. When he only moves back a few feet, I start to question if I may be outmatched. Coming at me again, his face rippling with the veins around his eyes, I decide I need to try and calm him down versus trying to fight him.

"Stefan!" I grab his head, make him focus on me and not the woman who is getting closer with each step of her heeled shoes. "Stefan, get it together!"

Digging his hands into my shoulders, I try not to wince from the pain and give him a rough shake. "You've got to calm down, Stefan. Look at me!"

I'm staring him down as his eyes begin to fade into their normal shade of green and the veins disappear beneath the skin. I'm holding my brothers head in my hands when the anger in his face slips away and the pain he's feeling takes over. "Damon…"

He says my name like he's asking me for help.

I've lived over a hundred and fifty years looking forward to this moment – when Stefan would finally get what's coming to him. When his version of Katherine Pierce would tear him into shreds the same way Katherine tore into me. But now that I'm seeing my little brother's wet eyes and furrowed brow, now that I am looking at Stefan's face and I can sense the pain he's in – I just want it to end. I wish I could fix it somehow, swap places with him maybe. Stefan's too good to have to experience this kind of agony.

"It's okay, you don't need her, Stefan." It's all I've got and even I know it sounds like bullshit right now.

"I love her."

I nod, "I know. But you've got to let her go, brother."

**MORE TO COME! Follow me IChooseStefan**

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	15. Chapter 15

**CHAPTER 15 – THE BROKEN**

ELENA's POV

I never thought of myself to be the kind of girl who would cry herself to sleep. I never thought I'd ever be so invested in a guy that I'd sob uncontrollably, gasping for air and fighting the urge to call out his name, and cry until my body shut down as a safety measure… but I am that girl.

Dressed in all black and my hair pulled into a low pony tail, I know I must look terrible. I tried my best to look presentable when I got ready for work this morning, but I'm shattered and I'm so nervous about seeing Stefan that I couldn't even keep a cup of coffee down. I'm sitting in the conference room with Jennifer on one side of me and Robert on the other when I hear Stefan's easy laugh – the sound weighs so heavy on my chest that I have trouble inhaling.

It only gets worse when he enters the conference room and he is the epitome of cool while I'm struggling to keep myself together under the pressure of our gravity. As per usual, Stefan looks amazing, dressed down in a pair of dark jeans a light blue button up shirt, he gives the room a blinding white smile as he steps aside to allow his author and Pepper to come in.

"Nate, this is Robert Dexter," Stefan gestures to Robert, standing to shake Nate the Authors hand. I can't take my eyes off of Stefan. The drunk, heartbroken man I saw standing outside of my apartment is long gone and in his place is a well-rested, smiling, always-charming, business Stefan.

He looks right at me – bright emerald eyes into my tired brown – and nods, "This is Elena Gilbert, she's the co-editor and resident heartbreaker."

Everyone laughs. Stefan is looking right into my eyes and laughing as his little joke.

"I can see how that might be true." Nate the Author takes my hand like I'm a medieval Lady, holding my curled fingers instead of an actual handshake. I realize that he's trying to give me a compliment, but this words and strange handshake rub me the wrong way.

"You've met Jennifer, and Pepper. So I guess we can go ahead and get started." Stefan closes the conference room door as Pepper moves to the end of the table and Nate the Author waits to see where Stefan is going to sit before choosing a seat.

I find it a little challenging that Stefan chooses the seat directly across from me.

Pepper chimes in and for a woman who is obviously sick with cancer, she has great color to her skin and she's smiling like she's won the lottery when she says "The Art of Terrible Timing – I love the name, Nate!"

Nate the Author nods with a shy smile – it's Stefan who responds, "It is good, huh."

He actually winks at Pepper… he winks his sparkly green eye at Pepper! I don't know if I've ever seen Stefan give a wink to anyone and he chooses her?

When Robert speaks, Jennifer stops typing on her laptop and Stefan and Pepper stop eye-balling each other – we all turn our heads towards him.

"Nate, really it's a damn fine story, but we're a small company and when we send a manuscript to print we've got to be pretty confident that it's going to sell like fresh bread. So what I'm saying is, there are a couple of things that we'd like you to look at and maybe reconsider or adjust a bit."

Again, shy Nate the Author just nods and Stefan takes the lead – leaning back in his chair emitting an air of confidence that seems so real but I know must be put on… surely he's not this okay about what I said to him just a few hours ago. "Robert, I like it the way it is. I don't see any changes that need to be made."

"Just hear us out, Salvatore." Robert gives a laugh like he and Stefan have already had this conversation a hundred times before. Stefan nods, then cuts his eyes to me, looks at my mouth then back to my eyes and I swear to God he's not doing this now… he's not giving me that _the things I could do to you_ look now!

"Elena, you can throw in your points whenever you like," Robert says to me and I give him a nod but the truth is I haven't read the entire thing and what I have read I liked… a lot. "for me, a major concern is in the instant relationship between Sean and Emily. I mean, I see that you're going for a love at first sight, immediate attraction, but I'm not comfortable with their first conversation. He's barely sixteen and already he's telling her they're meant to be? It doesn't sit right with me."

Pepper gives a playful role of her eyes, "Robert, I swear you act like you don't have a romantic bone in your body."

Stefan looks to Nate, giving him a moment to respond, but when he doesn't Stefan once again takes the lead, "Did you read the entire manuscript, Dex? You can't get four chapters in before you start to get the notion that this kid is an old soul, he's lived and he's experienced a lot in his life… you can't not like him because he knows what he wants."

"When I was sixteen all I wanted was to get lucky… I wasn't looking for a woman to have my kids and thinking of," Robert stops for a moment as he flips through the pages, reading a direct quote "the way she would look with my last name and my heart in her hands – come on now, sixteen year old guys don't say things like that."

"That's why it's a book! We're selling these YA books to young women who presumably want a man to spill their heart to them and say romantic things like that, right Elena?"

I'm so taken aback by the casual way he says my name, like we're just buddies, that I can only nod as an answer. It takes a moment or two of half listening to Robert to realize that Stefan is flipping a paperclip over in his fingers, not looking at me but I know that smile of his… that naughty thoughts smile. It hits me like a snare drum when I realize that almost everything he's done, almost every word he has said has been dualistic – directed towards the room and aimed at me at the same time.

I wish I would have kept my mouth shut the moment I say, "It's the way he says it to her, the situation I guess, that I don't care for." Two can play this game but Stefan's glare is burning hot as he licks his bottom lip into his mouth, dragging his teeth across it.

Leaning his weight onto his elbows resting on the table, Stefan says, "And what exactly did you not like about it?"

Luckily, I read this far and know that the main character Sean basically uses his talent with words to seduce Emily… the truth is it was kind of a hot scene and I have zero problems with it, but I'm confident Stefan knows I'm talking about us and not the kids in the book. "It's just difficult to take him serious when, most likely, Emily is already fighting with the thought of Sean just wanting to _get lucky_… if you're going to tell someone you love them you should wait for the right moment."

He's playing with a paper clip – fine, I'll bring up the I love you he said to me on top of Jennifer's desk.

Stefan and I are staring one another down – he looks amused and I hope I don't look as lustful as I feel – when Robert adds, "That's a good point. Also, he only says it maybe two other times in the entire book… over fifteen years Sean only tells her he loves her three times total?"

Pepper nods, agreeing silently and waiting for Stefan to respond with a glow in her eyes that I wonder what would happen if I threw my notebook at her.

"Twice. He only tells her twice." Stefan says as if he's only speaking to correct Robert – like it's no big deal.

"So he's sixteen and he's sure she's the love of his life and he says things like _my heart can only beat if she loves me, my lungs only perform their proper duty when Emily is in my arms._ But he says I love you twice?" Robert raises his hands, palms up, and shrugs.

"It's a statement that is overused in our society. I love burgers, I love my cell phone, I love these shoes or that song… in every move that Sean makes, in everything that does and all the decisions he makes over their fifteen years together he's telling her he loves her with his actions. Sometimes, saying I love you isn't enough because it's been said too much."

"How many times had you told a girl you loved them by the time you were sixteen, Stefan?" Robert asks in a way to point out that young people say it all the time because they have no other context, but Stefan's response puts an end to his confidence.

"I've only said it to one girl my entire life" Those green eyes of his cut in me again, "and probably not more than a handful of times, but she knows how I feel about her."

Pepper giggles, Robert releases an exasperated sigh, and Jennifer gives a flirty – "A guy like you doesn't have to say it to get laid though… Sean is supposed to be an outsider, right?"

After I pick my jaw up off of the floor – I call him out on his lie. "That's not true. What about Katherine?"

Shrugging, leaning back in his chair and popping the paperclip in his mouth, Stefan just shakes his head, no.

"Who's Katherine?" Jennifer whispers to me and Robert starts on this next concern.

I don't know what I decide to say it loud enough for Stefan to hear me, but even though I'm looking at the screen of Jennifer's laptop I feel Stefan's eyes on me the moment I say "Katherine was the love of his life. She broke his heart and really messed him up."

I hear him inhale to say something to me, but Robert interrupts, "And the proposal. For a guy as slick as you make him out to be, that proposal is weak!"

Finally, Nate the Author speaks, "Stefan and I have talked about that. I'd like you're input in adjusting that scene a little."

"Stefan, have you done much seen Serendipity?" Pepper asks, "The proposal scene is just beautiful!"

I've seen it and I know that Stefan doesn't watch movies unless he's forced to so I answer, "I've seen it and I thought it was terribly cheesy. The rose petals and all the boxes… that doesn't fit Sean and Emily at all."

Jennifer pops up from her laptop, "Oh the proposal in Sweet Home Alabama where he takes Reese Witherspoon to that ring store and says 'pick one!', oh that was so perfect."

Again, it doesn't fit the twenty year old loner who's working as a roofer to pay his way through college, but I don't say anything because I like Jennifer and I was quite crass with Pepper. Stefan shakes his head no, dismissing it as he knows it doesn't fit either. "It needs to be real; something a poor college kid could actually pull of."

Robert stands and stretches his large, bulbous body, "We finally agree to change something and we can't figure out how to change it. I'm going to get some coffee and let my crack staff figure this one out."

We're all quiet, trying to think of a good reference point – I run through ever romantic comedy I've ever watched, I see when Monica proposed to Chandler on Friends, and I replay the scene from Love Actually where the guy proposes to his girlfriend and when she responds in English he's surprised.

"How about this," Jennifer offers, typing away at her laptop, "I'll search on youtube for romantic real life proposals and we can edit and tweek what we find?"

It's actually a great idea. We're looking for a real-feeling proposal, we should look at some real proposals. Pepper scoots her chair around to get a view of the laptop – Jennifer, Pepper, and myself are crowded around the screen while Stefan and Nate the Author talk quietly amongst themselves.

The first couple are kind of ridiculous – one guy jumps out of a gutted refridgerator and nearly scares the bride to be to death! Another has a guy from Star Wars helping, the next couple are just kind of boring… romantic to the people involved I am sure, but we need something really crazy romantic.

"This one is in Italian, I think, but let's see…" Jennifer clicks on the still shot of a shiny tiled floor and one shoe.

I'm pretty sure this one is going to be a bust too, but don't say anything, decide I'll use this time to get a good look at Stefan as he's not paying attention to me and I can't help myself.

"Hurry, hurry up!" A males voice from the video says and Pepper makes note that their speaking English – _duh._ There is some garbled words that I can't make out and then the male voice says, "He's American, I think. We say him getting the flowers and paying for the violinists."

I'm salivating at the stretch of fabric over Stefan's well-formed chest when it what the male voice from the video said registers with me. My eyes immediately find Stefan's, now looking back at me.

"No, I think she's going to come out of the elevator." Adds the male voice and Stefan's very cool, ultra-swagger exterior cracks a bit as his brow lowers and his eyebrows knit together. I can't help it… I have to see this.

The video is moving haphazard and jerky still as if the person recording is trying to get into place – "Shh, hush, the elevator is nearly here." Says the voice and the camera falls on Stefan.

He's standing in what appears to be soft, spring sunlight and it's reflecting off of his golden wheat hair and bouncing off of the shiny tiled floor. He's biting his lip and smiling, staring ahead… waiting for me with one hand holding a bouquet of pink Star Gazer lilies and the other clasp around the ring I have on my finger as I watch the video.

Jennifer gasps, recognizing Stefan. Pepper sighs an _oh my God_ as her hand comes to her lips. I can't look away even when I hear Stefan stand, I can't stop staring at the sunlight Stefan on the laptop screen to watch my real life Stefan walk away from me.

"There she is!" It's like a mantra, being said by so many people all at once as the camera swings to the left and the violins start Unchained Melody and I walk out into the lobby wearing a pristine white version of the blood covered dress I have stuffed into a plastic bag beneath my bed.

I swear I remember that feeling… I know its not possible but I swear to you I remember feeling the sun on my skin and the buzzing frequency between Stefan and I as I registered what he was doing. Blinking away tears to see the screen clearly, I shush Jennifer when she says, "Elena!" and I hear the blinds crash against the door of our office.

Coming from the Elevator, I take a few steps with this huge, wide smile on my face and Stefan meets me half way – I laugh, look around at the crowd of people, even catch eyes with the person recording this video as I ask Stefan, "What are you doing?" I cover my mouth with my hand for a second, then take the flowers from Stefan and gaze up at him like he's an angel… he is an angel.

Ever so softy, Stefan's fingertips find my face and again, I swear I remember that tingling feeling against my cheek… I somehow know what's coming when I see Stefan take my left hand in his, lift to his mouth and kiss my fingers… I know I'm not crazy, I know that I am actually remembering what I'm watching when he starts to speak and I can mouth each word right along with him, "You are every color my eyes have ever seen, every note my ears have ever heard. I've never seen a sight as beautiful as your smile, nor tasted anything as sweet as your kiss. I've spent my life loving you before even knowing you, searching for you endlessly, day after day; I've belonged to you, Elena, since the moment I was born. And now that I've found you, I'll spend the rest of my life making myself deserving of you and your laugh and your selfless love." He stops, uses his thumb to wipe tears from my cheek… then he kneels. I close my eyes – as badly as I want to see this it's killing me to know that this is the man that loves me right now, the man I've sent away and the man that believes I do not love him… "Please, Elena, be my wife? Let me love you for eternity"

As I stand, determined to find Stefan, I hear my own voice from the video, "Yes, yes Stefan!"

"Stefan!" I move quickly to his office, open the door – call his name to an empty space. The office is completely void of him. There are no books, no pictures… the desk is bare and the shelves empty.

I don't know how long I stand there and look at the first piece of evidence that Stefan is really leaving, but I feel like I'm about to faint when Pepper takes me by the arm as I am wobbling in place.

"Sweetheart, are you okay?"

I gasp like I've just ran a marathon, my chest heaving and my mouth dry, "I need to find Stefan!"

"Robert said he left before the video was over… sweetheart what is going on?" I stare at her blankly, unable to speak for a moment. "Come on, let's find you a seat." Pepper leads me to one of the leather chairs in Stefan's office, then closes the door to give us some privacy. I cry for a few minutes – tears of joy from reliving, actually remembering Stefan's proposal in Rome, tears of sadness for what I've done, what I'm losing… "Sweetheart, you can tell me. Stefan is a good good friend of mine." Smoothing my hair down, very motherly, Pepper cups my face and makes me look at her, "He's probably the oldest friend I have."

The oldest friend she has? She's like fifty and he's twenty six… he's one hundred and seventy one… when I frown at her, Pepper nods with a knowing smile. "How do you…?"

"He told me about himself, about who he really is."

Pepper goes on to tell me that Stefan's walking her to her car was actually Stefan explaining the way vampire blood heals. She'd been fighting cancer for two years and had been given a few months to get things in order when Stefan approached her about digesting his blood… "Three days later and I feel spectacular, I haven't felt so strong in years!"

God, I love him more… if it's it all possible, I somehow love Stefan even more…

_I keep telling myself that this hasn't changed a thing. Elena seeing a video of me proposing to a woman that loved me in Rome means nothing to her… all of the phone calls and texts, if anything she's probably confused and feeling guilty – it doesn't change the fact that she doesn't love me and wants me to leave. To keep myself from falling prey to every fiber of my body telling me to go to her, I gave my phone to Damon. I heard him talking to her earlier and though I was kind of pissed off at how rough he was with her, I'll deal with it later. _

_It's a little past midnight, Friday morning. I have one more day to make it through before my flight to Dallas and I plan on spending it in the ocean. For once I've got lucky and there is a hurricane hitting Cuba and sending disbursed storms up the US east coast… I'll spend my last day in North Carolina fighting gravity pulling at me and pushing the ocean. _

_One of these days I'd like to see that video… it's the only way I'm going to see the girl that loves me, but I can't handle it right now. I'm barely hanging on to my diet, my beliefs… whether Elena loves me or not, I've made a deal with God and I'll stick to it because I love her._

"Stefan?" Caroline says my name so quiet, like she afraid I'm going to break… I might. "I got you something to eat…" Giving her best forced smile, Caroline comes to my bed and flips on the light. I'd fallen asleep with my journal on my chest and Caroline doesn't hesitate to remove it – sitting it on the night stand. "Rabbit! Yay!" Her voice is comforting, even as she gives a playful sarcastic tone of excitement as she shakes the plastic bottle full of blood at me.

She's wearing a nice pair of slacks, barely tan enough to be called brown, and an emerald green silk button up top. "You look nice." It's a compliment and a question.

Caroline smiles like she's surprised to hear she's attractive, smoothing the fabric of her pants over her thighs. "I have an interview in Dallas with their local news station!"

I'm kind of caught off guard… Caroline has shown very little interest in doing much more than drink and travel and party, "I'd hire you." Its not meant to be flirty and anyone else would have taken it that way, but Caroline understands me and just nudges my stomach with her fingertips as I take a long swallow of the rabbits blood. "What time is your flight?"

"Seven forty something," Pushing her hair behind her ears, I can tell she's about to bring up Elena. "I'm about to leave for the airport, actually." I take another long pull from the bottle in preparation. "Are you sure this is what you want to do? Coming to Dallas? I'll be okay Stefan. I can do this alone if you want to stay here."

Like I have a choice… "I'm coming to Dallas, Car. I may be a hopeless romantic but I'm not so hopeless that I can't take a hint. A very, painfully, obvious hint."

"Damon told me about what happened yesterday, with the video…" I look away when she gives me her _that's too bad_ smile. Wishing I would have never told Damon about it, I don't want to discuss this with her, or him, or anyone really – it's the whole reason Damon has my phone. I don't even want to rehash it with Elena. "I was there. In Rome, in the lobby when you proposed." I'm not surprised really – I was too absorbed in Elena and wasn't paying attention to what was going on around me… it's how I drank wine laced with vampire blood and how I ended up with a stake through my chest. "If it makes you feel any better, Elena really and truly loved you Stefan. All that Damon stuff, it was just an inexperienced girl trying to figure out what was right for her… in the end, it was you. You and Elena are meant to be together."

Clenching my jaw in an attempt to keep my emotions in check, I shrug, "Maybe." I used to believe that… I just don't know anymore.

MATT's POV

Elena and I are have been kind of distant – only covering easy topics like the weather and the hurricane hitting Cuba and things that involve Allie like school and her first play-date in Wilmington. At some point, I'm going to have to tell her about Laura and she's going to have to fess up about Stefan. Surely she knows that Jeremy and Matt have already laced into me about it – about I need to _put my foot down_. When I see them coming in the entrance of Chuck E Cheese, I can see the determination on Bonnie's face and know we aren't going to get too far into Elena's birthday lunch before she starts it up again.

Allie takes a break from the ballpit long enough to get covered in kisses from her Aunt Bonnie and drag Jeremy off to the jungle gym, leaving me, Elena, and Bonnie's determined face around a pepperoni pizza and a bunch of paper Chuck E. Cheese tickets.

"So, the fitting is week after next right?" Elena asks, sticking to the easy topics like Bonnie and Jeremy's wedding in October.

Bonnie nods and see it in her eyes, she's found an opening to mention Stefan. "I'll have to rearrange the seating if you bring Stefan, so would you let me know as soon as you can?"

Slick Bonnie, really great job at being subtle.

Elena drops the pizza slice from her hand like she is about to slap Bonnie. "Don't worry, Bonnie. He's going to Texas."

Feigning surprise, Bonnie says, " I was just asking, Elena! Chill out!"

Elena rolls her eyes and crosses her arms, looking away from Bonnie – trying to make it look like she is searching for Allie. After a few minutes of silence, I decide someone should say something so I try, "You know there are like 6000 germs in a ball pit."

"What's your opinion, Matt? Aren't you going to lay into me about Stefan and how dangerous it is for him to be around?"

Elena's tone is very sharp, angry – it matches the was she's staring at me. I look from her frowning face and narrowed eyes to Bonnie's frowning face and narrowed eyes… women. I shrug as I want no part in this, but Bonnie eggs me on. "Surely you have some kind of an opinion regarding your daughters safety and the kind of people Elena brings into her life."

"You're looking to the wrong guy if you're hoping I'm going to bash Stefan with you, Bonnie." Both sets of narrowed eyes widen with surprise. "I wouldn't have agreed to raise anyone else's kid as my own. Other than Jeremy, Stefan is the only guy I'd do this for. He's a good guy, so don't look to me to tell you what to do."

Stefan and I may have started off on the wrong foot, competing for Elena… but in the end he was one of my best friends – he even helped me train to play college ball and I know more than once over the past four years the cash that popped up in the console of my truck or inside my gym bag came from him, so if he wants a part in Elena and Allie's life, that's up to them.

"So you are okay with him wanting to get to know Allie?" Bonnie acts like I'm giving Elena consent to feed our kid to a python.

I shrug, give her a smirk, "Am I okay if Allie's father wants to get to know her? Really, that you're question, Bon? The three of us are poster kids for screwed up families – our mom's were hardly around and Elena grew up without knowing she was adopted… vampire or no, you think you'd want Allie to have what we didn't."

ELENA's POV

This is why Matt Donovan has been in my life for so long – he is the voice of reason when facts and rumors and fears and concerns are clouding my mind. I'm kind of shocked – no I'm really shocked at how he's kind of pulling for Stefan. How he's going up against Bonnie without even flinching.

Bonnie seems to be wavering a bit, "I do, I'd love for her to know her father and trust me, I know that Stefan is a good guy… but he's a vampire and the Originals are after him. It's a real threat no matter how nice Stefan is!"

There it is again… the one piece of this puzzle that I can't get around – The Originals.

"And who's to say they don't figure it out on their own? I mean my God, Bonnie, she looks just like him – it doesn't take a DNA test to see that Elena was dating Stefan when she got pregnant and now here is this four year old little girl that's the spitting image of him." Matt should have been on the debate team instead of the football team – I make a mental note to have Matt fight all of my battles against Bonnie.

"But it's going to be a whole lot more obvious if Stefan is walking around all alive and not dead." Bonnie spits out yet another fact that I can't seem to detour around…

"All I'm saying is in a battle against a bunch of vampires, I'd think we'd all have a better chance of making it out alive, that Allie would be safer even, if we have a vampire or three on our team."

And there it is. There is my answer. My detour. My epiphany. My Ah-ha moment!

Even Bonnie can't respond, she has nothing to say because Matt is completely right! The Original's are a threat no matter what – to Allie and to Stefan, both… it only makes since that we a stick together and fight as a team!

Filled with adrenaline I jump from the booth and grab my purse. "I've got to go!"

"Where are you going?" Bonnie asks, pressing her crooked lips into a straight line.

Looking at my phone I try to calculate my drive – we'd met halfway to exchange Allie and have a mini-birthday lunch for me. It's just after three, so If I leave now I can be back in Wilmington by five-thirty. Stefan's plane doesn't leave until tomorrow… that gives me plenty of time!

"Matt, thank you!" I kiss his forehead, hug his shoulders, "Thank you! Thank you! Give Allie kisses for me, okay! I've got to find him before he leaves!" I call over my shoulder, "Bye Bonnie! I love you!" and run the rest of the way to my SUV.

**MORE TO COME – FOLLOW ME IChooseStefan**

**I love feedback so please feel free to msg me on Twitter or leave a comment/review! Thanks!**


	16. Chapter 16

**CHAPTER 16 – THE BROKEN**

DAMON's POV

Stefan's phone has been buzzing and rattling inside of the kitchen drawer for over an hour with barely more than a few minutes between each alert. If it were my phone, I'd just toss the damn thing in the toilet and be done with it, but Stefan is already wobbling back and forth on the proverbial line of ripperhood, so I decide to just turn it off.

I don't need to look at it to know it's Elena, but when I pick it up to shut it down and see her name on the screen my day-drinking interferes with my rational thoughts as I decide to give her a piece of my mind. My meddlesome ways have never worked out well, but the decent amount of bourbon coursing through me lets me forget about those times and I ignore the small, nearly silent voice in my mind that cautions, _stay out of this_.

In a very secretary like tone I coo into the receiver, "Stefan's phone."

"Damon, please let me talk to him!"I pick up the sound of an engine – Elena is driving. She sounds frantic.

I'm sure she is – Stefan is supposed to be back from Wrightsville Beach by seven and he and I are going to roadtrip it to Texas together instead of taking separate flights. We're coming down to the eleventh-hour and that means Elena is about to lose her back-up boyfriend for good… I learned the hard way that Elena does not like to be alone.

"Sorry, who is this?" I toy with her in my sickeningly sweet tone. "Who are you looking for?"

"Can't you be serious for just one minute?"

I huff, "Sure, let me be serious for you, Elena. I don't want you screwing around with my baby-bro's head so no, I'm not going to let you talk to him. Bye now."

I start to hang up but for some reason, the tone of Elena's voice stops me. "Please, Damon!"

"What?"

She takes a long moment to respond like she's working on playing her best hand of cards before making a last ditch effort at winning the pot, that's all this is – a game, a hand of poker. "If it were reversed and it was Katherine calling, begging Stefan to let her talk to you, wouldn't you at least want to know what she has to say?" Elena is used to always coming out the victor. Whether she knows it or not, whether Stefan has realized it or not, there is a whole lot more that Elena shares in common with Katherine that just appearance.

I can answer that without even considering it, "Elena, I know what Katherine would say – the same bullshit you're going to pull. _Stefan I'm sorry, Stefan please stay, Stefan don't go…_ and just like I know what you're going to say, I know you're full of shit."

"Damon –" I hang up without waiting for her response and press the power button, wishing I would've had the balls to give that same speech to Katherine instead of falling back into her snare. Taking a long pull from my glass of whiskey, I wonder how long it's going to be until Salvatore brothers can finally free ourselves of our own version of the doppelganger curse.

CAROLINE's POV

"You have already verified my education and experience; I am the perfect choice to fill the investigative journalist position. You don't even need to consider any further applicants. You have decided to hire me, I will start on Monday."

I've lost count of the amount of people I've had to compel since landing in Dallas. I'm worn out. Using compulsion is kind of like cramming for a test or working through a Good Will Hunting kind of mathematical equation – while it's not physical exertion, the amount of focus and concentration required is exhausting.

First it was the TSA agents who did a random bag check to find the donor blood – "You didn't find anything. My bag is full of clothes, and shoes, and makeup. I am clear to go without any further questioning."

Then came the taxi driver. I guess I should start paying for things… I have money, thanks to Stefan, but compulsion just seems easier somehow.

The lobby attendant and the Resident Manager at TheW in order to get our apartment set up took the longest. After over an hour of things like "You have already received payment for twenty-four months – Stefan Salvatore and I have cleared the background checks –You will grant us complimentary access to the Bliss Spa, full housekeeping, and the largest apartment available", I finally got my two sets of keys. By that time I had to hurry over to the NBC building for my interview with KXAS News without even checking out my new home. I guess I should have taken care of all of this last week when I was here, but honestly I didn't believe Stefan would leave his precious job… if Elena hadn't broke his heart I'm positive I'd only need a one bedroom.

After yet another cab ride that I should have paid for, I've had to compel the lobby guard, the executive secretary, and now the Human Resources manager. I guess I could have just applied for the job opening that I saw on the Dallas Morning News website – but this is much easier than getting shut down trying to land a job that I am totally not qualified for!

Mrs. Sandra Bayne gives me a hollow nod of acceptance – I'm tired, but she's absorbed all of my commands – then stands like she's just had a wonderful idea. "Caroline, I just have the most wonderful feeling about you. I don't need to consider any other applicants," extending her hand to me, she adds "can you start on Monday?"

I'll never get tired of this little vampire mind-hijacking talent. With my best beauty queen smile, I meet her handshake, "It would be my pleasure!"

And just like that, I am now the Investigative Journalist for the Dallas, Texas NBC affiliate.

Caroline Forbes is going to be somebody!

ELENA's POV

I've given up on trying to get Damon to let me talk to him… given up or maybe I know that it's useless because now when I call it goes straight to voicemail like the phone is off. I'm so angry with him, both of them! Why would Stefan give his phone to Damon? What kind of move is that?

It's a little after six and the storms coming in from Hurricane Jorge are a wall of the smokiest grey haze you can imagine, ominous and creeping closer and closer to land as they gain strength from the sea. His car wasn't at his apartment, I've checked the few places in town that I know he likes – the coffee shop, the state park he hunts at, the wine bar where we had our first date… pulling into the ten-minute parking infront of Paestum Publishing, I'm thrilled to see that the lobby lights are still on as I hop out of the SUV.

"Hey…" Jennifer sighs, packing her purse to leave.

I don't waste time with the niceties – I need to find him – the words rush out of my mouth "I'm looking for Stefan," Pepper comes into the lobby from the hall and I can see she's improved in her color and overall appearance of health even more since yesterday. "Have you seen him?" Even now that I like her, I'm bothered that she's moving into Stefan's office… it's too concrete, too obvious that no one plans on Stefan returning.

Pepper shakes her head, scrunches up her nearly-wrinkleless forehead and Jennifer gives me a smirk, "I thought you were going to meet your friends and take your kid to see her dad? You've barely had this job for more than a week and already playing hooky?"

She's still angry with me for avoiding her questions about me and Stefan and the youtube video – I finally had to flat out tell her to drop it, that I wasn't interested in discussing it and that it was none of her business. I didn't mean to hurt her feelings, but how do I go about explaining Stefan and me?

I don't know what to say and just stare back at her with the same pissy expression she's giving me – I don't have time for this.

"He came by this morning and said goodbye to Rob and I." Pepper offers, "I can't be for sure but I think he was wearing dark blue swimming trunks… have you looked at Wrightsville Beach?"

The storm – the waves – my journal entries about being surprised at learning that Stefan loved surfing… I see him the night he found me prowling through his journals in his office in his white v-neck and navy blue shorts, hugging him with my face against his neck and the salty taste of ocean water on his skin.

"How far is that?" I ask, the sound of wind whistling past the lobby windows sends my sense of urgency up a notch.

"It's not far, maybe ten minutes, but you shouldn't head out there now," Pepper gestures towards the storm billowing in. "Just give him a call or wait til the morning." She urges with a fretful look upon her face.

I consider it, waiting til morning, looking out of the lobby windows and noticing a few sprinkles of rain beginning to fall. I could go home and wait out this coming storm, then go to his apartment very early… that seems like the most rational thing to do. I've nearly convinced myself when Jennifer says, "He's leaving tonight." No, his flight is tomorrow. That's what Caroline said. Stefan's Delta Airlines flight leaves at 10:02am. I'm positive of this because I've read Caroline's text over and over! My wide eyes and gaping mouth must tell Jennifer to continue, "Stefan said that his brother couldn't get a flight out until Monday so they decided to drive together."

Before she's finished her sentence I am out the door, head first into the strong winds and stinging rain drops.

STEFAN's POV

I'm not sure how happy Elena is going to be once she gets back from Virginia and figures out I've been in her apartment, but honestly I don't care. I mean I do, but what's the point? I'm doing as she has asked and I'm leaving… that was the plan all along, wasn't it. I'd just got mixed up and pulled from the course by my love for her and Allie. After that revealing doorway conversation, with me drunk off my ass and Elena brutally honest, I've recommitted myself. What choice do I have?

Elena and Allie deserve a life without me – without the monster that I truly am. I'll go back to the way things were, taking care of them from afar and keeping myself just numb enough that I can go through the motions of day to day living.

It's fine. I'm fine.

I got out of bed this morning with a renewed sense of purpose and have been working towards leaving Wilmington since. All of this is much easier to handle now that I've shut it off – turned off the rabid emotions running through me, threatening to break me down. I sold my Mustang and cashed the check; when Elena gets back from Virginia she'll find a birthday card on her kitchen counter holding $31,000.

Saying my goodbyes to Robert and Pepper was actually pretty sad. I didn't realize how much Wilmington felt like home until I've nearly completely removed myself from it. Damon stayed back at my apartment to supervise the movers while I went out to Wilmington Beach. I was going to surf for a bit, but I ended up sitting in the sand, watching the storm cloud creeping up, and really thinking over my next move.

I could stay here and keep trying with Elena. Against her wishes, I could continue to fight for us… really that's all I've known for so long, fighting for her – I guess that's why I fell into that role so easily, paying no matter to my original intentions. Fooling myself into believing that she'd love me, that I could be a father to Allie… I may have been quite intoxicated but I heard every word from Elena's mouth.

I'll go to Dallas. I'll move on. I'll never stop loving Elena, I'll never forget the way she loved me… but that girl, the one that made me feel like I was a good man, like I had a soul and like I worth being loved. The girl with endless brown eyes and a laugh that made me feel alive, the Elena that loved me through my darkest times, through my bloodlust – that's who died when I asphyxiated in my own blood over the Tiber River.

I'm just so angry about how all of this has turned out – the way the universe has given me everything I could have possibly asked for in Elena and Allie, dangled it within my grasp, then took it away from me and left me cold and mourning. I've given it a full six years. I've loved her and fought for her and given up everything for six years in an attempt to make it work with Elena. I'd do it for eternity if I thought there was a chance… but I can't beat the compulsion, I can't win against fate. Damon and Caroline, they're right… It's time for me to let her go.

I take one last look around Allie's bedroom, smooth the comforter on her bed where I'd been sitting, and put the koala bear and Hans Christian Anderson book that I read to her against her pillow before stepping into the hall. At least I got to meet her. The end of my relationship with Elena may be breaking me, wrenching inside of me, but at least I got to hold Allie and watch her laughing and playing. It's the best memory of my entire life, playing with her, reading to her, carrying her to bed as she slept against my chest. Allie will forget me – she's so young that I can't imagine she'll remember me at all when she's older – but I'll never forget her and the few hours I had with my daughter.

"A pickup, Damon?" I laugh, climbing into the passenger side of Damon's newly purchased F250. It's big and lifted with mud tires, and it's painted a bright, apple red – it took me a minute, looking through the window of the coffee shop where we agreed to meet to recognize my own brother as this truck is probably the last kind of vehicle I would imagine him driving.

Taking the large black coffee from my hand, he says, "We're going to look like huge douche bags in our leather jackets and biker boots in one-hundred degree heat, Stefan. When in Rome…"

"So what, we should pick up a couple of cowboy hats, too?" I joke, brushing the raindrops off of my arms and running my hand through my damp hair as he pulls onto the nearly empty street, the rain beginning to fall in heavy sheets.

I've barely sat my coffee in the cup holder and fastened my seatbelt before we're caught at a red light and I feel Damon looking at me. Turning my face to him, I raise my eyebrows as if to ask 'what?'

"She's called a lot." Immediately I want to call her back. I want to go to her apartment and take the birthday card and extremely icy note I left in it and throw it in the fireplace. I was so angry, so incredibly hurt when I wrote it… "Are you sure about this, brother? We can stay here. Just because she wants you to go, that doesn't mean you have to, Stefan. You can do what you want to do just once, you know."

Looking away from my brother and his concerned face – it's not an expression I'm used to seeing from Damon and it makes me feel uncomfortable in my own skin – I let his dry, monotone words roll around in my mind for a long moment as I stare at the glowing red traffic light. I want to be sure about this, about leaving her and Allie, but if I think about it for even a minute I know that if given a choice, I'd stay. If I thought that Elena would want me, if I could believe that Allie would be safe, I'd stay… I keep hearing Elena's voice _I don't want to be with you._ Not just I don't love you, or I can't remember you, but _I don't want to be with you_ – the anger inside of me flaring again and I have to remind myself to keep it together_. _I've got a long ride with Damon and I do not want to talk about this with him… it probably wouldn't take a whole lot of hearing his side – _Stay with Elena, don't leave your daughter, do what you want to do, Stefan_ – for me to change my mind completely. The light turns to green, but Damon keeps his foot on the break, waiting for me to respond. I pop my neck and reach to turn up the Guns-n-Roses song on the radio in hopes of drowning out the sound of Elena's rejection playing on loop in my brain, "It's a long drive, Damon, let's get on the road."

ELENA's POV

_Elena,  
I'm sorry for my late night visit – I was drunk and much too forward. I realize how ridiculous I must have been and I apologize for putting you in such a difficult position. I knew from the beginning that you'd never be able to remember me and I shouldn't have let myself get so wrapped up in my own wishes and desires. Really, I should thank you for bringing me back to reality with your honesty. Everything you said was right. I knew it before you said it but actually hearing the words come from you has opened my eyes and I feel as though I can finally move on. I've spent so many years loving a girl that can not love me back… it's a weight lifted from my shoulders. Thank you for that. When I really think about it, I'm still in love with the girl I knew in Mystic Falls and I shouldn't have tried to use you to satisfy my longing for her… it's not fair to either of us, really, as you are not the girl I married in Rome.  
I hope you have a wonderful birthday! I'd planned on giving you an actual gift, but the money enclosed will serve the same purpose. Obviously, you're free to use it as you please, but my hope is that you'll use this money to travel… anywhere you want, just go. Remembering the look in your eyes when I told you about our trips to Italy, I knew immediately what I would get you for your birthday – I want you to be able to see the world and remember it all. Use this money to take you to where you most want to be, the place that you've dreamt of going, have an adventure in Africa or experience Carnival in Rio – wherever you want, just go. You're a great girl and deserve to have a bit of fun.  
I would like to keep in touch regarding Allie. I love her. I've loved her from the moment I learned you were pregnant and I'd like to at the very least know her from a distance. The threat of the Original's and my being a vampire is probably weighing heavily on your mind, but I ask that you consider it. Hopefully, you've got to know me well enough in the past couple of weeks to understand that I'd never do anything to put either of you in danger.  
Damon and I are leaving for Dallas tonight – I'll give you a call sometime next week to see what you've decided about my request regarding Allie._

_Speak with you soon,  
Stefan_

I am a weight on Stefan's shoulders… I am not the girl he married in Rome… he's still in love with the girl he knew in Mystic Falls…

I'm a great girl… he can move on…

Speak with you soon…

I've read this cold piece of shit letter over and over. I've dissected each sentence, even the pressure of the ink pen into the paper, and it's had the effect that I know he was hoping for… tick for tack. I hurt him and now he's hurt me. It seems so unlike Stefan, but I've never purposely wounded him so…

Deep down I know what he's doing. I realize he's just angry with me and I know he has every right to be, but I think this is the first time I've actually had my heart broken… and what's worse is I did it to myself! I don't know why I couldn't see this coming from miles away! I've read my journals over and over again! The _confused-girl_ act is par for course for me! It's what I do when I get scared or when I'm feeling weak… I look for a problem and fixate on it. Back then, I was scared of losing Stefan to Klaus, to his bloodlust, so I clung to his brother, then made an issue out of being confused about which one I wanted to be with.

In almost every journal entry it's clear as day that I wanted Stefan and I was using Damon as a buffer. If I hadn't been such a child, If I hadn't been so immature for so long – dragging out my inevitable choice – choosing Stefan the moment he came back to me, he wouldn't have left for Italy to take down Klaus and in turn, I would have never have been compelled.

Now I've done it again! I focused on finding the right time to tell him, the perfect moment, the perfect place to tell him that I love him… now he's on his way to Dallas and I'm finally seeing that it wasn't the time or the moment or the place, it was the words. I should have just said the words! I should have just told him. I should have just said the words – I love you, Stefan.

Looking at this letter, honestly I don't know if he would believe me if I called him up and told him right now.

CAROLINE'S POV

I slept great in my new apartment in my new pillow top bed! I woke up early, drained a few bags of blood, and have spent most of the day shopping. It was strange to use a credit card to pay for things – it felt almost as foreign to me as it did when I first used compulsion - but after compelling my way into a great job and probably the nicest apartment in Dallas, I felt kind of bad. Stefan won't mind that I used his Black Amex, honestly he'll probably be happy that I didn't just take what I wanted, but I plan on paying him back for the $6300 worth of clothes I have in my shopping bags as he may be a little fretful about the amount of money I spent on clothes.

I'm planning out my speech, how I'm going to tell him that I have to be very well dressed and really look the part if I'm going to be successful at my new job. How I'll pay him back just as soon as I get enough paychecks when I step off the elevator onto the floor of our apartment and spot his long, lean body leaning against the door frame. His head is resting on the door and a tired, half smile comes to his face the moment he sees me.

I've been with Stefan – we're each others only friends – for four years now, I know him extremely well and already know the answer but ask anyway, "Are you okay?"

Standing straight, he nods his head yes – furrowing his brow and looking like he's about to collapse, his eyes are bloodshot and wet, "No."

I hate this for him. I hate this for Elena – but I completely understand her decision. She doesn't want to end up like me – loving a dead man. Endlessly devoted to a ghost, to a memory, to something that can never be. Elena truly believes that the Originals will kill Stefan – and she's right. The moment they find out Stefan survived Kol's murderous attempt, they'll kill him in a way that will leave no doubt that he's dead. Stefan staying with Elena raised the chances of that happening to a nearly certain level. Still, it doesn't change the fact that I hate it and I sit my bags down and pull him into a hug. Stefan grasps into me tightly, squeezing me against his body with his face in my hair and fisting his hands into the fabric of my shirt against my back.

"You've done this before, you can do it again." I say quietly into his ear. "It's no different."

"I wish that were the case." I'm not sure what he means, but my attempt at comforting him has either failed miserably and he's pulling away from me because I'm not doing the job or it's worked and he's feeling better. Trying to decipher what he means, I'm quiet as he grabs his duffle bag from his feet . Our eyes meet for a brief moment before he looks down at the floor, "It's harder this time…" he adds, "I've always known that she loved me, that we were in it together, you know. It's much worse when she doesn't even want me around."

_As per usual, Stefan is true to his word. It's been exactly a week since he left for Dallas – since his back-handed Happy Birthday note that said he'd call me in a week. I had just ordered dinner for Allie and I, talking with Jennifer and Pepper about a new manuscript I received when my phone rang._

_I was so happy to see it was him – I'm talking, butterflies in my stomach, huge grin, wide eyes happy when I saw 'Stefan Salvatore' on the screen of my Iphone. I regretted it the moment I heard his voice, but I didn't leave the table to answer._

"_Hi." Not hey or how are you or even a hello. His response to my high pitched, too excited, "Hey Stefan!" was a very short, flat, single syllable, hi. _

_I was deflating as Pepper and Jennifer watched my smile fade. Busy absorbing all that his dispassionate greeting held and I didn't respond – I guess he heard the restaurant noise because he followed with, "Would you prefer if I called you back later? Or you could call me to discuss Allie at a time more suitable for you."_

_Business Stefan. Cold, detached, somewhat intimidating Business Stefan. _

_So here I am. Phone in hand. Allie is in bed, I've showered and have stared at my phone for half an hour… what in the world am I going to say? _

Elena: Are you awake? I'm home now. Thought we could talk about Allie.

Yea, I wimp out and text Stefan instead of calling him. If you could have heard his voice, the emotionless tone in his words like he was talking to someone about getting his oil changed… you'd understand.

It takes him about twenty minutes to respond and I'm covered up to my neck laying in the dark of my bedroom and listening to James Morrison in my earbuds when I get his text.

Stefan: Let's talk another time. I'm out with Damon.

I don't know why his brush off stings so badly – I know he's mad at me, that I hurt him terribly, and I fully expect it to take awhile for us to smooth out, find a happy medium, but I'm pretty sure this is the first time he's ever flat out said 'not now, Elena – too busy for you.'

Just finishing up my leftover take out for lunch, I wiggle the mouse to activate my screen and plan on starting a review for an author that I've taken a liking to when my office phone rings. I don't recognize the 972 number and consider ignoring it, but I've got a few new manuscripts in the last couple of days and wonder if it might be a new writer.

"Elena Gilbert" I'll never get tired of saying my name like that – like I'm a business professional and you've just reached me in my business office during business hours.

"How's Allie liking school?" That voice of his, I swear to you… I know he's in Texas and I shouldn't be so sensitive to Stefan as I've made love to him and kissed him and touched every inch of his body with every inch of mine, but I immediately turn into a teenager at the sound of his deep voice.

My heart is racing and my stomach muscles ache, "She's uh, um, she's likes it." _She's likes it?_ "I mean, she loves her teacher and especially likes the Italian classes."

"Good, I'm glad." He pauses and I wait for him to ask me how I am doing, but he doesn't. "Have you had time to consider my request?"

It bugs me, irks me, the tone he's using – like we're working out a business deal. This Business Stefan is my least favorite of all Stefan's. "I told you I wanted you to know her, Ste-"

He cuts me off, "True, but you've told me a lot of things that I can't depend on so I'm sure you understand why I need to clarify."

Stefan speaks each word slowly, deliberately – like he wants to make sure I hear and feel each cut. I'm quickly losing the butterflies, but the ache in my stomach is getting worse and I'm beginning to lose my patience. First he leaves me that letter, then brushes me off when I tried to return his call… that was Friday and he waited until Wednesday to contact me – with this attitude!

When I respond I have to mentally keep my tone calm and voice at its normal volume. "Just tell me what you want and we'll work it out. Easy as that."

He huffs – a sarcastic chuckle. "I think we both know I don't get to choose anything when it comes to me and you, Elena, so you let me know what kind of relationship you want me to have with my daughter and I'll take what I can get."

Clenching my teeth, I exhale into the receiver, glare at my computer screen and consider the best way to respond. Jennifer taps on the open door of my office and mouths 'visitor', and I open my mouth and let whatever comes from my lips go… Stefan is already pissed off at me, how much worse can it get if I throw back some of his attitude. "Fine. Write up a proposal of exactly what type of contact you'd like to have with Allie and what I would need to provide you as far as updates and what not. I have an appointment, so I'll have to cut this very sweet conversation short, but please email me your proposal by Friday."

"Fine."

"Fine." I hang up.

Slamming the receiver into the cradle way too hard. I'm wondering if it's broken when I leave my office and head to the lobby, nearly breathless and shaking from anger, to find Jennifer cooing up at that young guy that she gave directions to. Again, the darkness of his eyes as they move from Jennifer's face to me reminds me of Elijah the instant I see him, but I'm so angry with Stefan that it doesn't affect me this time.

Ignoring him, I look to Jennifer with a 'well?' expression on my face.

She smiles at me like I've just won the lottery when she says, "This is Mr. Michaels, he's from the University of North Carolina."

_Mr. Michaels?_ He looks to be about eighteen, not a day over twenty! I'm looking at him with a frown on my face, what must be a skeptical look in my eyes, when he hands me his card.

Kolby V. Michaels, C.P.L.P.  
Student and Alumni Services  
University of North Carolina

Feeling quite rude for my frown and less than welcoming attitude, I force a smile when I look back at him and extend my hand. "Elena Gilbert. How can I help you, Mr. Michaels?"

His very dark eyes look down my body quickly, but I catch it, and despite myself I stand a bit taller – I can see why Jennifer oogles him, he is very handsome. "I was hoping to interview someone from your company regarding the job market for English majors and the like." And he's got a very sexy British accent to boot! "Would you be free for dinner sometime this week?"

_Why does it seem like every journal entry starts off with Stefan?_

_I love him. I know I do, but I've got to start opening my horizons a bit! I got his proposal… I got his email at 11:59pm Friday night. I said I wanted it by Friday, so what does he do, he sends it to me with less than a minute to spare. I realize that it's petty, but OMG that pissed me off so bad! Luckily I was in a pretty good mood when I got home tonight. My meeting with Kolby ended up lasting until the restaurant closed as he's very funny and had lots of questions about me and my education, the manuscripts Paestum Publishing usually champions, and the history of the company. I had a great time, it was nice to have a one hundred percent innocent, drama-less, tension free (both good and bad) dinner with a guy. Kolby knows nothing of vampires and Originals and compulsion… he has no knowledge of what my life consists of, there was no gravity pulling at me… just a couple of bottles of wine and a lot of laughing. When I got back to my apartment, Jennifer was waiting eagerly to hear how the dinner went as she has a huge crush on Kolby. I didn't tell her that he asked me out – like on a date, asked me out. I told him no and don't see the point in bursting her bubble. Besides, she and Allie get along great and I don't want to lose her as a friend or a babysitter._

_After I showered and got in bed, I checked my work email on my laptop and found Stefan's proposal:_

_To: Elena Gilbert  
From: Stefan Salvatore  
Subject: Written Proposal as Requested  
Date: Sept. 11th, 11:59am_

_I love her. She's my daughter, too. What kind of relationship to do you think I want?_

_Thank you,  
Stefan Salvatore  
McBride, Murphy, & Wallace Publishing  
Dallas, Texas  
Houston, Texas  
Seattle, Washington_

_The normal practice for manuscript proposal decisions is four business days. I plan on waiting 3 days, 23 hours, and 59 minutes. I'd hoped that this rift in our relationship would be rolled out by the time Stefan's birthday came around, but it's six days away and I don't see an end in sight… I'll have to think of another time to give him his gift._

STEFAN's POV

I almost hate to admit it, but I really do not like my job. The publishing company is huge, owned by McGraw Hill, almost every meeting we've had has been about finding the next big trilogy, finding that next cash cow – a new Harry Potter or Twilight, even another Fifty Shades – they don't care about the integrity of the storyline or developing the writers. It's all about the money. I hate it here.

I like Dallas ok, I guess.

It's big, probably six times the size of Wilmington and it's a lot of traffic and expressways and buildings so tall that it's hard to see the horizon. Dallas, Arlington, and Fort Worth are basically merged into one huge metro and even in the night, the sky is too lit by the lights of the three cities to spot a star – it's a thick blanket of purplish grey with no moon and no stars.

I'm splitting my time between Caroline's uptown apartment in Dallas and the foreclosed house Damon 'acquired' in Southlake. If Damon would lay off the Elena bashing I'd prefer to stay with him - _you know Elena, likes to have a guy around at all times. Don't let her fuck with your head, brother_- if Caroline would lay off the Elena sweet talk I'd prefer to stay with her –_maybe just give her some time, she's been through a lot… you know she loves you, Stefan_.

It's a little past one in the morning and Caroline has some co-workers over. I'm playing the boyfriend role the best I can. She knows I'm not into it and really, she seems kind of distant with the idea as well. Rolling over, covering my head with my pillow to try and drown out the sounds of glasses clinking and The Black Eyed Peas playing from the Ipod dock, I decide I need to get my own place. If I'm to go to that terrible excuse for a publishing house, if I'm to carry on with my all or nothing plan regarding Elena, if I'm going to keep my bargain with God, I'm going to need to be able to sleep. It's all that's keeping my anger controlled… just the slightest things have been really tugging at me. From Damon's constant berating of Elena to the weather being so damn hot, I'm on edge pretty much all day. All day, tense neck and shoulders. That ache in my gums and the dryness of my throat, that unquenchable thirst… it's every second, all the time. I can feel myself getting closer to it. Like it's an actual ledge, a real true hole, I can feel it beckoning me to come a little bit closer – consider a taste of human blood. Just a drop to ease the ache, the craving. Just a drop will lead to a drink, a drink to a gulp, a gulp is very quickly morphed into the biting of an artery… and well, we already know where I go from there.

Sleep is like a cat – I read that in a book a couple of weeks ago and that line has stuck with me, every night I remember it as I try to force myself to rest.

The more you want it to come, the further away it is. If I could ignore it, stop paying so much attention to the fact that it's nearing two in the morning and I am very tired – staying pissed off for more than two weeks straight takes a lot of work – I'm sure I'd be sleeping like a baby by now. I guess my other alternative is to stop being so angry… but my anger is a cover for my pain, for the loneliness, it's a way to avoid how much I miss her. Down to my bones I miss Elena.

I knew this would happen! I knew it the moment I saw her in the conference room… it would end, and it would end with me back at square one, broken and alone and trying to weave through the pain of losing her. Once more, right person-wrong time. The story of my life.

Closing the door behind me, I lock the handle for good measure… I have to start taking the stairs. I can't be closed up in that elevator with all of those heartbeats and human bodies full of human blood. It was okay until the third floor – about seven people crowded in with me and the other four humans heading up. Even with my earbuds in and my Iphone playing loudly, I could hear the swooshing of their blood through their veins… by my floor, the nineteenth floor, I had to cover my mouth with my hand and keep my head down; my fangs were pushing from my gums and the veins around my eyes pulsating, so very close to vamping out.

Telling myself to get it together, I check the clock – I have a mid-month meeting with the supervisors of the interns in half an hour. Apparently, every month on the sixteenth I'm going to have to meet with supervisors and discuss which interns we'll be keeping and which ones we'll fire. It's an ever revolving door – the publishing house likes to keep them moving so they don't have to offer the interns any benefits, health insurance and whatnot. The way I feel right now, I may just go home… the idea of firing some kid from what is probably their dream job in order to save this Fortune 100 company some money sounds like it might be the last proverbial shove over the edge for me.

God, I miss Paestum Publishing.

When my desk phone rings, I grab it out of habit – "What?"

It's silent for a long moment and I'm about to hang up when I hear my name said in the sweetest voice, like what I assume a cherub must sound like, "Hi Stefan, it's Allie and Mommy."

I can't speak. I have no air in my lungs and my only response is silent – a smile takes over my face and my eyes close as I picture them, both of them… my wife and my daughter, the loves of my life.

"Stefan? Are you there?" Elena asks. I can tell they are on speaker phone from the gentle buzz in the reception, but her voice still sounds warm and… I know it's just wishful thinking, but it sounds loving.

"Yea, yea I'm here." My voice is scratchy now, too much emotion too quickly has caused my heart to move into my throat. "You, uh, you surprised me."

"Mommy said we should call you because it's your birthday!" Allie claps and I know it's ridiculous but it breaks my heart - the sound of her happy voice – it brings tears to my eyes. I can hear her smile, imagine her little hands clapping. "Happy Birthday, Stefan!"

"Yea, Happy Birthday!" Elena adds with that laugh that flows through me.

Again, I can't speak. If I open my mouth, I know I'm going to tell her I love her. I know it. I can feel the words on my tongue fighting to get past my lips. I've been alive for one hundred and seventy-two years - my birthday is something that passes by without me even noticing it most years. The fact that Elena remembered, that she and Allie are calling me, that Elena wove me into Allie's morning like this… it means more to me that you could possibly imagine. I love her. I love her so much.

I've been quiet too long, leading Elena to continue. "I was going to send you an email back, responding to your proposal…" The way she says 'proposal' tells me that it had the effect I was hoping for when I sent it. I was angry, and I think I was at Damon's so that means I was most likely drunk amped up on his _screw her_ soap box. Right now, in this moment where for the first time in over two weeks I'm nothing but happy – I'm not hurt or mad or angry or thirsty – right now, I regret the way I've been acting. "But, I thought instead of us just talking about it, we should start it up… so, here we are, on our way to school!"

Allie giggles, "Mommy bought us a birthday cake! It's blue and has little cars on it because you're a boy! When are you coming over to eat it?"

I laugh, "You'll have to eat it for me. I'm," I can't bring myself to tell her I've moved – left them, "I'm out of town right now."

I listen to Elena explain to Allie that she and I will try to plan a weekend together so we can celebrate – I laugh to myself when Allie insists that wherever we go there must be a pool – then Elena asks me to hold on while she drops Allie off. It's like being a fly on the wall, listening to my wife being a mother to our daughter,

"Did you remember your lunch?"

"Yes, Mommy."

"I'll pick you up this afternoon, then we'll take off to go see Daddy okay? Gimme a kiss. Have a great day, sweetie!" I know she means Matt – they'll take off after school to drop Allie off with Matt, but for the slightest of moments I wondered if she referred to me as 'Daddy'. It's both heartbreaking and heartwarming – completely contradictory emotions filling me as I picture them.

I'm lost in my thoughts, my minds eye creating images of Allie trotting into her classroom with her backpack bouncing as she runs and Elena, smiling that infectious smile of hers as she waves bye, when I hear the _thump_ of her door shutting.

"So is that what you had in mind?"

I'm about to apologize for the bad-mannered telephone calls and emails that Elena and I have exchanged over the past couple of weeks, when one of the supervisors I'm supposed to meet with waves at me through the glass of my office wall. "That was perfect, Elena. I can't thank you enough for that, really." I'm feeling rushed, checking the time on my watch. It's nearly time for my meeting… my apology will have to wait. "Can I call you tonight?"

ELENA's POV

When my phone buzzes, I know it's Stefan – I've been looking forward to his call all day. That's what he does to me. Just the promise of a phone call and I can't concentrate on my manuscripts, I drive the two and half hours to the halfway point Matt and I meet at listening to the Neon Trees songs that we sang along to on the way to Mystic Falls – remembering his rock-star face and easy way he smiled, his hand on my thigh.

Already in a terrible mood from finding her boyfriend of three years cheating on her, Jennifer gives me a furrowed brow scowl when I answer it, quickly leaving the table for some privacy. "One second." I say to him, moving through the crowd. Once I'm in the ladies room, it's a bit quieter but still pretty noisy with voices and giggles bouncing off the walls in echo. I cover one ear with my free hand the other with my phone. "Hey, how has your birthday been?"

I can barely hear him, but catch "…good…" and "…bad time?"

A girl comes from one of the stalls and I jump infront of the line of women waiting to use the restroom, hoping that closing myself up will make it easier to hear him – we've been on a tight rope with each other for far too long and I'm ready for the irritation between us to finally fade away. "I'm at that brewery on Front Street. Jennifer found Ross with her best friend! Can you believe that! Anyway, I was planning on going home after dropping Allie with Matt, but Jen begged me to come out with her. Did you do anything fun?"

I know I'm rambling, just trying to keep him on the phone until I can find a decent spot to talk. When he responds, it's choppy and the reception is cutting out. "I - that guy - Damon - sketball tick - fun."

Obviously, I have no idea what he's said – maybe something about basketball – but I don't want to take the chance of him hanging up so I laugh like I understood every word, taking a chance that what he said was something good. I'm giving a very generic response, weaving through the line waiting outside the restroom as the women glare at me for cutting line and leaving the restroom without washing my hands. I'm nearly to the exit door, going on about Jennifer and Ross in long run on sentences in a way to buy some time, when I walk directly into Kolby Michaels; his glass of amber liquid spills onto my shirt and I gasp when the ice cold drink runs down my chest.

"Elena?" Stefan's voice is clear – the reception much better – but I can't respond to him because Kolby is quickly apologizing to me and trying to hand me napkins and wet naps from the table he's standing next to.

"Hang on, Stefan." I press the phone receiver to my shoulder for no real reason – the last time Kolby and I spoke we were quite flirty and, though I'm really not interested in him at all, he picks it back up instantly. He's very handsome with his dark eyes and boyish face, and that accent is adorable, but the flirting was innocent – for me atleast.

"Wow, you look good enough to eat, Elena." Kolby smiles up at me, gathering the ice from his spilled drink off of the floor at my feet. When he stands, his eyes move up my body, finally landing on my face, then back down to my wet, satin blouse I'd worn to work. "I apologize for my clumsiness, but I must say you're working the wet tee-shirt look quite well."

STEFAN's POV

I can't really hear what the male voice is saying, but when I hear Elena laugh – when she gives her best 'that's just adorable and look how pretty I am when I giggle' laugh – I clench my jaw so tightly that my ears pop. The male voice says something else; I think he's offering to buy her a drink –

"I need to step outside and take this call really quickly, but I'm here with Jennifer. We're over near the pool tables if you want to join us." They talk for a minute or two more – Elena and the guy she's flirting with – she tells him she's drinking white wine, then a few seconds later it's my turn… I guess she's found some time for me after all. "Sorry, I ran into a friend."

My insolent tone is automatic, I can't stop it – it just comes out, "You don't have any friends in Wilmington." I hate being this guy, this jealous, insecure, I don't know where I stand with Elena guy. The only people that Elena knows in North Carolina aren't in the group of folks that Elena would give that flirty laugh to… except, maybe Blake Townley. Blake knows Jennifer. Elena's already been out with him once that I know of… the anger inside of me is beginning to seep into my muscles, slowly spreading like hot tar. "Who was that?"

"Just a guy that I met last week. Why?" Elena's frustration with me and my tone is evident and I do everything I can to pull back, hold my tongue. I'm so hungry. My veins feel like they are wrapped in sandpaper.

Taking a long pause – eyes closed and my body tense – I finally say, "No reason." It's all I can muster. Two words in a raw, strained voice. My minds eye filled with images of Blake and Elena in the coffee shop – his arm around her.

She sighs, a real loud, dramatic huff into the phone, "Are you going to be angry with me forever? I'm trying here, Stefan."

I know she's right – I've got to get myself together. I knew that I couldn't do this, a casual relationship – even Damon has said it… _you're not one for doing things half way, are you, brother?_ No, I am not.

Moving my head from side to side, popping my neck, I run my hand through my hair. "You're right, I'm sorry." I remind myself that I'm supposed to be recommitted to my plan of taking care of them from afar. After my birthday phone call from Allie this morning, I'd once again lost sight of that. "We can talk later."

"Wait, don't hang up." I'm so weak when it comes to Elena that I can't even get off of the phone when I know I should. "I promised Allie that I'd work out a weekend visit with you."

"Is that a good idea? I mean, if we're worried about the Originals figuring all of this out, I just can't see us taking a weekend trip together being a smart move." It's true; as badly as I want it to be a factless line coming from a man fighting with jealousy and one-sided feelings, I know it's true.

"One weekend isn't going to cause any harm, Stefan. It'll be fun. I miss you." I hear her smile, feel it inside of me when she asks, "don't you miss me at all?"

My entire being misses her. My ears miss her voice and my hands miss her skin. My eyes miss the way she moves and, God more than anything else, my body misses holding her… that gravity. "I'm not good at this, Elena I can't play middle ground when it comes to you. It's too hard on me, it hurts me. You're right, one weekend will probably not lead to the Originals finding out about Allie, but one weekend will never be enough for me." I hate how I can't stop talking – once I open up to her, it's over… it just spills out of me. "I'll do whatever you ask –whatever you want me to do, Elena, I'll do it, but please consider my side of this."

She takes a moment before she asks, "So what are you saying?"

I turn to face Damon when I hear him at my door, he's got a Guinness for me in one hand and a tumbler of blood in the other – it should bother me that he's obviously been eavesdropping on my conversation, but what does it matter? "I'm saying I can't give you what you're looking for – I'm not an _on the side_ kind of guy." I look at my brothers eyes when I use his words and he gives me a supportive nod.

Standing in front of Damon now, I pause, considering the options he's holding, when Elena says, "What happened to the 'I'll wait' guy? Where's he at?"

I'll wait.

I'll wait for you figure out if you can be with a vampire.

I'll wait for you to decide if you still love me after learning that I'm the worst kind of vampire – a ripper.

I'll wait for you decipher your feelings for my brother.

I'll wait for you work through your engagement to him.

My hand has nearly taken the tumbler of blood from Damon, my mouth watering for the red liquid, when Elena adds, "You've changed too, Stefan. I've read my journals a hundred times and that guy loved me to the point that he was willing to wait til eternity…" my fingers wrap around the bottle of Guinness, "so I may not be the same girl you married in Rome, but you're not the same guy, either."

Elena is absolutely right. Trust me, it hasn't gone unnoticed – my nerves are raw and my anger is constantly on edge after being burnt and broken so many times. Losing Elena again and again has turned me into a gun-shy, guarded, cynical version of the man I once was. "Is that what you want – for me to wait?"

I pick up Jennifer's voice calling to Elena and know that our conversation is about to be cut short – it's probably a good thing as I'm feeling like packing my bags and flying back to North Carolina or raiding Damon's freezer full of donor bags – either will suffice. "I want to see you. Past that, I don't know. I want to look at you when we're talking about this… I need to go, but just think about it, okay?"

**MORE TO COME - Follow me IChooseStefan on Twitter!**

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**Thanks for reading!**


	17. Chapter 17

**CHAPTER 17 – THE BROKEN**

To: Elena Gilbert  
From: Stefan Salvatore  
Subject: Re: Wedding  
Date: Sept 29th, 3:21pm

I can't – Damon and I are going to London next week, but I have to ask, is that invitation from you or them? Sorry to sound skeptical, but the last time I saw Bonnie and Jeremy they were intent on staking me so I'm sure you can see why I'd question being inviting to their wedding.  
BTW, I dropped a package in the mail for Allie. Should be delivering by Friday. She doesn't have an American Girl doll already, does she? They're huge down here; apparently they are all the rage with the it-girls in Pre-K.  
Haha

-SS

London? I almost hate to ask him why they are going to London… my gut is tight and stomach churning with what I already know to be the answer. He and I have talked a few times and though our conversations are getting easier, much closer to how they used to be before I pulled the 'I don't love you' card, they're still kind of edgy. This is the third time he's found a way to get out of meeting up somewhere despite agreeing to a visit. Caroline seems to think it's Damon giving Stefan reason for pause… remembering his callus rejection of my phone call the day they left for Texas, I know Damon's feelings towards me - I'm sure she's right. It's funny how my preference of who Stefan stays with has changed.

Don't get me wrong, I still feel that strange jealousy about the way Stefan leans on Caroline, opens up to her… but atleast she's on my side! Not to mention, with her new job she says she's hardly ever home so that squelches my fears of them being more than friends… well, for the most part atleast. I can't figure out why she won't friend me on Facebook. Her Instagram and Twitter are both private too. The other day, I just flat out asked her 'why don't you want me to see your profile?' Her answer made sense I guess, but I'm not ignorant! I realize that she and Stefan dated for years and though it would probably sting to see the pictures of them together, it's not like it would be a surprise.

When I hit reply, I consider basically begging Stefan to come to the wedding with me. Matt is bringing his girlfriend, Laura, so on top of the fact that I really, really want to see Stefan, him coming would also serve the purpose of keeping me from being the odd-girl out – the _ex-girlfriend, still single, poor thing_.

To: Stefan Salvatore  
From: Elena Gilbert  
Subject: Re: Wedding  
Date: Sept 29th, 3:29pm

Allie loves the American Girl dolls, but no she does not have one. Thank you for sending it and ensuring our daughters' status as a Pre-K it-girl, it's never too early to start hanging out with the right crowd. ;)

London? England? Or is there a London, Texas? Please tell me you aren't going to London, England for what I think you're going to London for. Please tell me you two aren't trying to find the Originals…

You realize by not coming to the wedding you're breaking a very important tradition of the Maid of Honor getting drunk at the open bar then hooking up with the hottest single guy, right? I mean, I'm sure they'll be other guys up for the job, but really, I can't even consider downgrading now that I know what Stefan Salvatore can do.

Xoxo – Elena

PS: I'm very aware of just how good you are most everything you do, but I must know how did you become so well-versed in the high end requirements of kindergarten girls?

I realize it's nothing really, the fun banter that Stefan and I have, but I'm smiling as I remember the emails that we've been sending back and forth all day – his suggestion of that dress he likes so much when I told him I didn't know what to wear to the rehearsal, my subtle mentioning of how I can't even look at a paper clip without thinking of him – when my phone rings and a 972 number flashes on the caller ID.

I answer it in a playful, suggestive tone – sure that it's Stefan. "Did the promise of getting laid change your mind?"

"It might," Caroline's voice is sunny and happy, as usual – even though I'm flushing by my very forward come-on meant for Stefan, I can help but laugh at her response. "Who did you have in mind?"

_I haven't doubted my move to Wilmington, not since the night that Stefan and I slept on the floor of my empty apartment, but it's been just over a month and I have to say I am so happy with my decision. Things could be better – Stefan could be here. But Pepper and Jennifer have become such great friends of mine. They love Allie so much and out of the blue, we'd just finished eating dinner and The Bachelor was just about to start when Allie says to me, "Can I call Miss Pepper grandma?" I didn't have time to answer – Pepper swept Allie up off of the floor and hugged her tightly. A woman who tried unsuccessfully for years to have a child of her own now has a grand-daughter… and a me. I don't know what I am to her, but Pepper has become my closest confidant. She knows everything – literally, ever single step that I've taken since I met Stefan. She just listens, doesn't preach, doesn't offer advice without being asked, she just listens. Pepper is the reason I bypassed my plan of responding to Stefan's emailed proposal with an equally as crude return – taking her suggestion of 'just weaving him in' – 'making it seamless', ie – the Happy Birthday phone call. Since then Allie and I have Skype'd with Stefan at least five times and twice now, I've fallen asleep with him on the phone… we might make it after all. He asked me if I wanted him to wait, I just want him to have enough trust in me to offer. _

_Caroline and I have rekindled our friendship, as well, and I must say I had no idea how much I missed her! It's kind of weird – her being with Stefan, but she ensured me that they're just roommates now. Very plutonic even though she tells her co-workers they are dating. I don't really get it, but she seems to think that they'll take her more serious if they think she's with him. In my opinion, if she's already having trouble with a bunch of girls being jealous of her high-rise apartment, the BMW she's driving, and the ultra-sharp clothing she wears, I cannot see how having bar-none, the hottest guy alive as a boyfriend would make her any more likable… but whatever. What can I say? Stefan says that she compelled her way into a job that she's not qualified for, but she's actually doing a really great job… so if she feels like it will help, by all means – pretend like you're dating Stefan._

_I knew it before Caroline clued me in today, but she confirmed my fears about Stefan and his blood issue. She says that he's 'straddling the fence'… better when he stays with her, but it seems like he's spending more and more time with Damon. From reading my journals I know where Damon stands regarding Stefan's choice to consume only animal blood and it's not sitting very well with me. After Pepper and Jennifer left, I sent Stefan a text message asking him to call, but it's been a few hours and still nothing._

_I don't want to be the jealous ex-girlfriend. I don't want be laying here and imagining the worst of the worst – The Salvatore brothers painting the town red… drinking too much alcohol and too much blood – but every time I close my eyes I see Stefan and Damon with blood red eyes and blood stained lips. I wish he'd call…_

My feet are aching from the terrible heels that Bonnie picked out for me to wear and I'm still kind of sleepy from driving in so late last night, but I'm trying my best to pay attention to Robert going over the rise in printing costs.

Their wedding was beautiful, low-key, but really sweet and fitting for Bonnie and Jeremy. That was the first visit that I've had with Bonnie since learning the truth that she and I have not argued and it was nice. They did their best to not mention Stefan at all, but almost every one I ran into from high school asked if we were still together – bug eyed and gaping mouth shocked when I'd shake my head no with an _it's okay, though_, unconvincing smile. I felt so out of place with Jeremy and Bonnie gazing at each other all night and Matt and his girlfriend, Laura still in that touchy-feely, new relationship stage. Don't get me wrong, I am so happy for Matt. I really like Laura and am totally okay with him introducing her to Allie… I just felt like the third wheel. It's a very lonely feeling.

Jeremy and I spent most of the day going through our parents things – there is a pending purchase for our house and anything we leave will be trashed. So on top of spending a night surrounded by people in love who could actually be together, the next day was spent going through memories of my mom and dad and the childhood that Jeremy and I lost much too quickly. There were only a few things that I wanted that I'd yet to take – six boxes containing all of my mom's journals, a blue button-down shirt that my dad is wearing every time I imagine him, and their wedding bands.

You have no idea how proud I was of myself for holding it together – no panic attacks, no crying fits… my only very close call came when Allie pointed to a picture of my mom and dad and said "Who is that?"

"Elena?" Pepper's voice startles me out of hazy, out of focus, daydream. I wonder how many times she's called to me as all three sets of eyes are on me. Giving my head a quick shake, I force a smile and focus on Pepper, noticing the red hair peeking out from beneath the scarf on her head. "I'd asked if you'd let Stefan know about Nate's book getting printed. Are you okay?"

I shrug, "I'm fine, just tired." Sipping my coffee for good measure, I add "He's in London, but sure I'll let him know next time we speak."

Jennifer huffs, "No he's not. He's in New Orleans with Caroline." I guess I'm looking at her like I feel, like that can't be right because he sent me a text message on Friday telling me that he and Damon were leaving and asking if Allie got her doll. "I saw the pictures on her facebook."

STEFAN's POV

To: Stefan Salvatore, Caroline Forbes  
CC: Damon Salvatore, Matt Donovan, Bonnie Bennett-Gilbert  
From: Elena Gilbert  
Subject: Getting tired of lies.  
Date: Oct 18th, 1:51pm

This email is directed mainly for Stefan and Caroline, as they are the most recent of my _trusted_ friends who have lied to me, but since it's become such a wide spread trend, I decided to get the message across to you all at once.

The next time any of you lie to me will be the last time.

I do not need anyone to sugar coat or pad the facts for my sake. I am a grown woman and, had it not been for the first of the hundreds of lies I've been told in the last four years, your opinion regarding my mental strength and ability to handle the truth wouldn't be in question at all.

Bonnie and Jeremy, hope you guys are having a nice time in San Diego.

Matt, tell Laura hello for me.

Stefan and Caroline, you two looked so cute together in the pictures on Facebook – really you're an adorable couple.

All my love,  
Elena

I'd just got back to my office after firing three interns and about the only thing that could make this day worse was the email waiting for me. I've been out of town for the last week – a quick trip to New Orleans to help Caroline out then to London – and it goes without saying that I've been avoiding Elena. I almost fell back into it, the natural role of being in love with her and trailing behind her every move, her every request, but my concerns about her only wanting me around when she's looking for a hook up were reiterated by an email a few weeks ago. Since then, I'm back on the all or nothing plan and scooting closer and closer to breaking into a donor bag.

After I read her email, I probably should have let it go – all or nothing, Stefan – but I couldn't. Maybe it's because I love her or maybe I'm just a dick when I'm feigning for blood like this, but I had to call her.

I waited until I got to my car in the parking garage before dialing her – as I sit here, waiting for her to answer, I'm stone-still, less the rhythmic bounce of my right leg.

"So now you call." That's how she answers.

I swallow hard before I speak, "How could I not, your email was such an eloquent way of calling me a liar I had to congratulate you."

Elena's immediate response clues me in to just how angry she is, "Writing the truth is pretty simple… just state the facts and let the chips fall where they may."

Fine. I'm just as pissed off. I have not lied to her. I have not led her on. I have not crossed her in any way, ever… "I guess the problem arises when you don't have your facts straight."

"Oh?" She asks in a too-high of a tone, very sarcastic. "Were you not in New Orleans with Caroline, dancing the night away on a riverboat while I went to our friend's wedding alone?"

"Our friends? I think you and I both know how _your_ friends feel about me, Elena so I see no reason in pretending like there is any kind of a relationship there at all."

Elena gives a huff right into the receiver, "At least you aren't calling to deny that you lied to me."

Pursing my lips for a moment, I remind myself that the vile feeling coursing through me is not attributed to Elena… I'm hungry. I'm very fucking hungry. "I went to New Orleans with Caroline for a retirement party on Friday night, then flew out of MSY on a red eye flight for London. It wasn't planned. She got invited at the last minute."

I hope the pause in Elena's response is her registering that I'm being honest. I've never lied to her… I've told her I wasn't tired when I was exhausted, I've said that I wasn't hungry when in reality I was famished… but that's about the extent of my untruths.

"Well, either way you two looked great together. Such a happy couple." When she finally responds, it's less anger and more hurt that I hear in her words. I sigh, looking for something to say – I honestly do not feel like I've done anything wrong by attending a retirement party with Caroline. We drank some, I danced with her once… other than that it was a lot of standing around and talking to people I don't know and will never meet again. "I need to go, Stefan. I have plans for dinner and it's almost six thirty my time."

"Elena, I don't know what you want me to say." Resting my head against the head rest of my Audi G7, I exhale loudly, totally confused about how I am supposed to be. "You tell me you don't want me around, ask me to leave… then you say you want me to wait, you're pissed off about some pictures of me standing next to Caroline. What is it that I'm supposed to do here, Elena?"

Her tone is suddenly much cooler – like she's delivering a line from a script. "It doesn't matter to me what you do, Stefan. If you want I'll call you back later tonight when I get back from my date, but I really do need to go." Absorbing her words, I know she's been planning on saying that to me for quite some time.

"You're going on a date?" That's all I can squeeze out of my constricted throat and clenched teeth.

"Yes, and I need to get going. I'll give you a ca-"

I interrupt her; my voice is so rough that it scratches the walls of my throat, "You realize we're married, right?"

She takes a beat – a long moment to think of a response and I have to give it to her, it's perfectly cruel… probably the worst pain I've ever endured from a linguistic attack, "I am not your wife."

She may say something after that, I can't be sure. The anger that has been inside of me for as long as can remember is like fire, burning through me, ringing in my ears and pulsating behind my eyes and in my fists. I surprised that I can speak at all, as the monster that I've fought for the majority of my life has taken over, finally won the battle – I can sense its tar like tentacles weaving through my body, taking hold of my muscles. "I'll believe that as soon as you take of my ring."

I hear her inhale. I know she heard me. Elena hangs up without a response and I sit in my SUV for a long while. The sun is low in the sky shining directly into my windshield like a spot light. I can feel the evil approaching, sense the darkness inside of me rising to greet the night, my mind giving way to memories of blood filling my cheeks and my teeth pressed into soft, salty skin… I smile with the promise of the night ahead of me. It's all or nothing.

ELENA's POV

This would be so much easier if I wasn't so upset. I'm trying to pay attention to Kolby, doing all that I can to respond correctly to what he's saying and the topics of conversation, but I'm completely sidetracked by my argument with Stefan.

"Would you like another glass of wine, ma'am?" I haven't quiet emptied this one yet and already our waiter is asking if I want another – that's a sign of a good waiter, isn't it? When they pick up your pace and keep your drink filled… Kolby and I haven't even received the appetizer that he ordered and this is my third glass of chardonnay.

Tipping the glass back, I gulp at the wine and nod yes at simultaneously - I am determined to have a good time!

STEFAN's POV

I've decided that if I am to really enjoy this, finally quenching my thirst, I need to take it slow… ripping into a random throat would be fine, it would suffice, but I'm looking for something a bit more, um, pleasurable. So I'm knocking back tequila and bourbon, drawing out the night for as long as I can…

When I stay with Caroline, I pass this bar every morning. Of course it's closed by that time of the morning but for some reason it just looks like a place that someone like me, looking for what I'm looking for, should go. This neighborhood is probably one of the more slummy in Dallas and the police don't do much patrolling… that'll make it easier.

ELENA's POV

The drunker I get the more I'm convinced I'm ready for this…

"I've had a really nice time, Kolby." Giving him my best smile, tilting my head down a bit I look at him through my eyelashes, "You should come up to my apartment."

When he returns my smile and gives me an eager nod, I push away the thought of Stefan – of how his eyes burn for me, those telling green eyes.

STEFAN's POV

Ripping the label of my Guinness into smaller and smaller pieces, I think I've drank too much. Alcohol helps ease the cravings and I've been sitting in this dark booth drinking for close to three hours. I've nearly lost my edge; almost beat down the cravings, my mind diluted from the alcohol and feeling weighted with the thoughts of Elena, on a date, not my wife.

"They say peeling at the label of your drink is a sign of sexual frustration." Her voice light, soft and swirling into my ears. Turning my head, I let my eyes trail up her body, across her bare midriff, exposed cleavage, and dark blond hair laying against her shoulder – framing the curve of her neck in strands of honey – my appetite is immediately aroused.

I smile, wonder what her blood is going to taste like, "I'd say they're right." She'll do.

ELENA's POV

I don't waste any time at all after inviting him in – closing the door behind him and pinning Kolby against the wall. I want to feel the gravity, the sparking and buzzing tension. I'm kissing him and he's kissing me and I want to have that pure taste in my mouth from his tongue. When Kolby turns, taking the lead and moving us to the bar stool in my kitchen, I want to feel the roughness of his hands as they slip up my dress, grabbing at my thighs. I want to be breathless and uncontrollably moaning and so incredibly lost in the sensation of him that I can't control my body – I just don't.

He's doing everything right – I mean, it's somewhat choppy and a bit awkward here and there as this is our first time, but Kolby is plenty experienced. I find him very attractive. I want to feel the gravity and I want to feel his rough touch and lose control… but the further this goes, the more I'm convinced it's not going to happen. All of the things I'm looking for, everything I'm craving, and it's all because of Stefan… only Stefan.

Picturing the image of him and Caroline smiling for the camera on facebook, I recommit, reaching to unfasten Kolby's belt… remind myself that I am not his wife.

STEFAN's POV

"Wow, an Audi!"

I barely hear her, my hearing focused on her heartbeat and whooshing sound of her blood. I think she told me her name – Hannah, Anna, I don't know. I don't care. She smells like pineapple and coconuts – my guess is it's from a tanning lotion as she's bronzed to a dark brown, but it's making my mouth water nonetheless.

When I open the door to the backseat, she quickly gets the idea. I'm not taking her to my place, no hotel… this is going to be rough and dirty. Emotionless.

I watch her climb into the backseat of my SUV. Getting a good look up her skirt, my eyes focus on her inner thigh – my gums ache. That's what I want. There is something about the curve of her leg, the sheen of the street light against the flexing muscle as she moves… from the soft warm flesh of her thigh, I'll drink until I'm full, until I'm numb and that slack-joint, fully satisfied feeling is washing through me – until she's completely empty.

ELENA's POV

"Where's your bedroom?" Kolby asks, his mouth in my hair as I kiss his neck, my hands moving against his bare back.

I don't want him to talk. Every time he says something I feel my commitment to this weaken. "Just do it here."

My dress is on the floor next to his shirt, and his pants are unfastened – I should be really into this, right? I should be feeling those nervous tremors and shaking as he touches me, kisses me…

"Take off your bra." I hate it, truly hate that my mind silently responds_ If Stefan wanted it off, he'd take it off. _ I know it's loud and full of attitude when I sigh and reach around to unfasten it.

He's too aggressive – too rushed now. I'm really just not into this. When I should be lost in too many sensations all at once, begging him to make love to me, there is nothing… my only real feeling is on my left hand, around my ring finger. It's a burn, or a weight, it's hard to explain. But even though I've worn this ring every day for four years and hardly even remember it's there most of the time – almost like it's a part of my body – right now, I can't stop feeling it!

"Wait, stop, Kolby."

STEFAN's POV

This girl must think I'm mental; I keep pushing her hands off of me. I've managed to keep from kissing her, avoiding her many advances. Working my way down her body, she keeps putting her fingers in my hair- I grab her by the wrist and fling her hand away. Licking at the skin of her stomach, I feel her hand against my face and swat it away.

"Oh my God, please!" I wish she'd shut up. I know what she thinks I'm going to do… I've got her laying on her back across the seats and as I move off of her, sit back on my knees and lift her leg over the front seat, she groans out that loud, forced beg. For the first time, I wonder if she might be a hooker. "Seriously? Oh God!"

"Hannah,"

"Amy." She corrects me, her hands covering her mouth and a wild look in her black-lined eyes.

"Amy, don't talk." She's not even compelled, but she nods her head quickly, agreeing to stay quiet. She's not a hooker… she's much too eager. Leaning down, running my lips across the artery I'm after, I consider actually doing it, going down on her as I can' t help but think that she's only this overzealous because she's never experienced it. The pulse against my mouth steals away the thought of giving this girl a bit of pleasure before I kill her.

I'm prolonging it for my own selfish liking, teasing myself by stretching out how long I can avoid biting her as I kiss and lick and suck at the skin of her thighs, my fingers moving in slow circles against her panties for the sole purpose of speeding up her heart rate and keeping her from growing suspicious about the amount of attention I'm paying to her inner thigh.

I used to do this same thing with Elena… more when we just started dating and I wasn't used to being with a human in such close proximity. In the middle of making love to her, or making out even, I'd start tempting myself – trying my self-control as I sucked at her skin and imagined biting her, listening to her pulse and absorbing the beat of her heart into my body.

It sounds horrible, I know, but for a vampire, blood is more than just nutrition – it's sensual and erotic and sexy even. I had no plans of ever biting her, ever, but that little game I'd play made my side of our love making ten times better… just the thought of biting her, just the sensation of her pulse against my tongue. It was almost as erogenous as her face and those clear, hauntingly dark eyes.

Damn it…

I sit up, my fangs in full view and my eyes completely veined. "You need to go, now."

**MORE TO COME! Follow me IChooseStefan on Twitter**

**Love feedback so please feel free to tweet me and/or leave a review!**


	18. Chapter 18

**CHAPTER 18 – THE BROKEN**

ELENA's POV

Stefan and I haven't spoken in three weeks. Not an email, not a text message. There is nothing louder than absolute, deafening quiet.

For a relationship that lasted barely more than sixteen days you'd think that, plus the two months that we've been apart would be enough and by now I'd be over him, right? I wish that was the case. I can only blame it on the fact that my brain knows that Stefan and I were more than two weeks at the end of August, more than two guarded people afraid to tell how they were feeling, and more than that argument we had that has led to this three full weeks of silence.

I've talked with Caroline and wow, that old saying about hindsight being 20/20 is so very fitting. My jealousy caused me to over-react to a very plutonic, very nice thing that Stefan did for Caroline by going to New Orleans with her. I know that feeling of being out of my league and I can see how having a friend with her probably made it a much easier company function to endure. If there is ever a next time, I'll remember this lesson that I've learned: ask questions first, send out scathing emails second.

Luckily my renewed friendship with Caroline has at least kept in the loop as far the Original hunting goes… she doesn't "feel comfortable" discussing Stefan's personal life. I took that as a bad sign to my question of _is he seeing anyone?_ But, maybe she'll give Stefan the same treatment if he asks about me. I've gone out with Kolby a few more times, we're going to see a movie tonight – but if I'm being honest with myself it's obvious my dates with Kolby are just to pass the time.

I know he's spending the first two weeks of November in Amsterdam with Damon, but I've decided to put my toe in the water with an email…

To: Stefan Salvatore  
From: Elena Gilbert  
Subject: Allie's Halloween Pictures  
Date: November 5th, 2:47am  
3 Attachments

I took some pictures of Allie dressed up as The Little Match Girl from the book you left her. We read it every night and she's been sleeping with that American Girl Doll that you bought her. Needless to say, I got a couple of 'bad mother' eyebrow raises from the other parents at the schools costume party when Allie showed up in her dirty and torn up 19th century dress carrying around a box of matches – but what can I do, she's just like her father, loves books.

What are you doing for Thanksgiving?

See you soon?  
Elena

Three days later, I get this reply.

From: Stefan Salvatore  
To: Elena Gilbert  
Subject: Re: Allie's Halloween Pictures  
Date: Nov 8th, 6:11pm

Thanks.

-SS

STEFAN's POV

Even though I technically live here, I've spent so much time at Damon's or traveling that I felt like I should knock. I feel the relief that I usually feel when I see her, opening the door and smiling at me like a kid that's found her favorite, long lost toy.

It irks me that I hear Damon's voice in my head as I am truly not interested in exploring his idea– _you're a vampire, she's a vampire… wouldn't let that go to waste _–but I'll blame it on the fact that she's wearing a school-girl skirt and knee socks with a white top tied-up and her hair in pig tails. I don't even have to ask, the question is obvious. "It's a Britney Spears costume."

His words are still ringing in my head when Caroline very casually gives me a kiss on the cheek, and pulls me into her apartment. I make a joke in hopes of clearing past Damon's suggestion. "Okay, that's normal for a Thursday in the middle of November…?"

I wonder if Caroline is feeling weird about the outfit and me being here too as she quickly leaves me to go change – I've barely had enough time to get a bottle of water from her fridge before she's back in the living room and explaining. "A couple of weeks ago, some of the girls at work were saying how we don't get to dress up for Halloween any more now that we're _adults_ and_ professionals_. It hit me, like that –" She snaps her fingers, then picks up my water bottle a takes a sip before continuing – it's a small gesture between two people who are very comfortable with one another. "I think to myself, hello… throw a costume party! I mean, I'm good at my job, but you know I am an epic party planner, right?"

We've spent four years pretty much attached at the hip, but I've only been forced to attend one of the many Caroline Forbes parties… I ended up with henna tattoos up both of my arms and getting bit by a cobra snake. Epic is an understatement. Still, I can't help but wonder if the girls that she's trying to impress are closer to interns than fellow journalists – she can see my concern on my face. "I'm talking the Vice President is dressing up like Cher and making her girlfriend come as Sonny Bono."

I laugh, take a drink of my water and begin to plan how I'm going to get out of attending this epic costume party. "When is it?"

"Thanksgiving weekend! You should come, you could be Edward Cullen!" I roll my eyes at her, picturing how I know she'd most likely cover me in glitter and make me wear orange contacts. "Oh, no you should be Justin Bieber!"

"As much as I'd like to dress up like a thirteen year old kid,"

She cuts me off with a huff, "He's like twenty-two, Stefan!"

I shrug, try to make sure my voice doesn't give away how happy I am that I've got plans, "Damon and I have a pretty decent lead on Rebekah. I'm only in town for a couple of days to pick up some things and get a fresh set of clothes… we're planning on leaving Friday."

Caroline pouts for a long moment, frowning at me and hugging a pillow to her chest – I give her another shrug, like _can't help it, it's out of my hands._ Finally she says, "Why are you even bothering with this? I thought you were all or nothing, Stefan. Washed your hands of Elena and ready to move on."

I steal myself to these questions just like I have done with Damon for the last few weeks – I don't want anyone to know I'm still holding onto hope that one day things will work for me and Elena. I know how truly sad that is, but I can't help how much I love her – it's useless to fight.

Elena has a boyfriend and the last thing I need is to catch shit from Damon about it so I've kept that to myself as well, though I'm pretty sure she has probably told Caroline about her date and our argument. Still, I know better than to tell Caroline everything… I tell her more than anyone else by far, but she's pretty loose with her tongue by nature. Still, I'm not lying when I say, "It's for Allie."

CAROLINE's POV

It's really sad how things have turned out, but Elena has made her choice and we all know Stefan isn't going to give much push back. As much as I hate this 'let's get the Originals' plan, it's good that he's staying busy and not delving back into his usual way of dealing with things – I haven't asked him directly, but Stefan is a completely different man when he's on human blood. Even his appearance changes! It's like he walks around with dilated eyes and a cocky expression when he's on it. I know he would never hurt me, but the few times that I've actually been scared of him, he was off of his diet.

He's just left to go back to Damon's and I am positive that he's still holding to his commitment to drink animal blood, keeping a grasp on his humanity – his eyes were soft and green and the entire hour and a half that we spent together was relaxed and friendly. I gave him the same answer I give Elena when she asks about him – I don't feel comfortable talking about her personal life. It's kind of weird, the way I've become a kid of divorced parents for a second time… can't talk to Elena about Stefan, can't talk to him about her – no way could I invite Elena to a party that Stefan might have attended.

The moment Stefan shuts the door behind him, I take off to my bedroom and grab my phone.

"Hey Car, hang on just a sec." Elena answers in a rushed tone, I hear her tell Allie bye, wish Matt a Happy Thanksgiving, and set a pick up time for a week from today. When she gets back on the phone, I'm smiling as my only other hurdle was if she was going to have Allie for Thanksgiving, but now that I know Matt is keeping her until Sunday, there's really no way for her to get out of coming. "What's up?"

"I think it's time for you to have a little fun, Elena."

ELENA's POV

"Elena." Pepper cups her hands around my face. "Stop being so stubborn will you. We insist."

Today is the first day that Pepper has gone without a scarf over her once hairless head. It's very Halle Berry, just a bit shorter and the color of cayenne pepper powder – she's absolutely beautiful with her glowing skin and ocean blue eyes… every time I see her I picture Stefan. He gave this to her, he gave her a second chance – just like he gave me when he held me over the bathtub and watched me throwing up the person I'd become.

I have to look down at my canvas messenger bag and pretend like I'm looking for something to keep my eyes from tearing up at the sight of her and the memory of him. "I just don't want to be a bother – I feel like I'd be imposing on you all."

She huffs, lifting her hands in to the air – like my mother, she talks with her hands, accenting each word with a move of her fingers or a swipe of her hand. "Nonsense. We would have asked you weeks ago but we weren't sure about your plans with Allie and her… father." the pause is very telling. Pepper doesn't like referring to Matt now that she knows Stefan is Allie's father and is very much Team Vampire whether she has said anything to that matter or not; it's written all over her face every time he is mentioned. Despite myself, I smile at her hesitation. "Kennedy and Carter will be there – they're both about your age and it'll be good for all three of you to meet. I've told you about Kennedy and that terrible excuse for a boyfriend of hers, and Carter doesn't know anyone here anymore."

I've heard their names before, but hearing them together like that makes me wonder if Robert is a closet Poli-Sci lover – I open my mouth to object to her friendly demand or ask about their names, I'm not sure which, but she turns on her Jimmy Choo and exits my office with a, "it's settled. You're coming to our place for dinner." tossed nonchalantly over her shoulder.

I feel my smile widen with the ridiculousness of her.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

The moment I see him I regret coming home. I'd totally forgot about my dinner plans with Kolby, as well as forgot to call and cancel with him as I'm not feeling like going out… especially with him. He's brought flowers, waiting for me outside of my apartment door… I can't get out of it now.

"You're late, baby." Kolby gives me that eerie, empty stare as I come off of the elevator, searching for my keys and trying to think of an excuse.

_Baby._ Maybe it's because I'd never heard my mother and father use pet-names, but it just makes my skin crawl anytime I hear someone use a goofy nickname as a term of endearment.

"My phone died or I would have called." I sigh like I've had a rough day when in reality the sigh is from the thought of spending a couple of hours pretending to be interested in whatever it is that he and I have going on. "You know how short weeks can be!"

Kolby took the quick turn in my mood pretty well – stopping us from going any further towards having sex that night… or any time since. He's kissed me a couple of times and we've held hands, but other than that, our dates are very basic, very detached. I don't like discussing Allie or my friends from back home, and Kolby is either pretty guarded or he's really got no one to talk about… anytime I've asked him about his past or his family, he deflects.

He gives me a quick kiss on the cheek as I unlock the door, then moves to set the bouquet of yellow carnations on the kitchen table while I kick off my boots and find a place for my bag. "A carrier brought a delivery for you – an overnight letter."

"Oh?" I have no idea what could be in the cardboard envelope he's holding out to me, but I feel a little irked when he says,

"I signed for it. Hope you don't mind."

I do mind. It's no big deal really, but I don't like that Kolby feels like that's okay for him to do… I'm telling myself that I'm just over-reacting as I pull the tab and remove the black cardstock. That eerie dark gaze of his never leaves me as I read.

The invitation is very much Caroline, with it's black gloss diamond pattern over the black matte paper, and the eloquent looping font in a shining silver – even the wording!

Join Us For a Wicked Good Time!  
Friday, November 26th 10pm  
TheW Hotel, Ballroom A – Dallas, TX  
Costumes Encouraged  
_*Invitation required for entry,  
Elena Gilbert, plus guest  
_RSVP to your hostess, Caroline Forbes

Plus guest… my eyes instinctively move to Kolby as I remember Caroline's response to my declining her invite during our phone call on Saturday, "Just consider it. It's going to be a lot of fun, I promise, Elena! Stefan's out of town, so you can even bring that guy you've been seeing."

"You look as though you are about to be ill." Kolby laughs. I know he wouldn't find it quite so funny if he knew my sudden wave of nausea is from the thought of taking him as my Plus Guest.

To keep from giving the true reason away, I sit the invitation next to his bouquet of flowers – fight off the urge to tell him that yellow carnations are a funeral flower – and head off towards the bathroom to do a quick once over before our date. "Oh it's nothing." I say as I walk away, talking loudly as I enter the restroom, "My friend from high school invited me to a party. I've already told her I can't make it, but she is a persistent one."

A moment later he responds, "In Dallas?" I stay quiet, my annoyance growing even stronger with his unwelcomed comfort in signing for deliveries and now going through my mail. "Since you aren't going out of town, why don't you join my siblings and I for Thanksgiving. It's just three of us, but we'd love to have you for dinner."

I don't know if it's because the invitation to meet his family is yet another sign that he's much more invested in this relationship that me or my annoyance with him, but the way he says _have you for dinner_ reminds me of the big bad wolf and Little Red Riding Hood. Either way, I spot brushing my hair and give myself a good look in the mirror… deciding my appearance is just fine to break it off with Kolby Michaels.

_The more time I spend with Damon the easier it is for him to read me. Not that I'd expect anything less from my big brother, but he's using it against me. He's not being callus really, just an annoying brother, I guess – during our make-shift Thanksgiving dinner this afternoon Caroline laid into him about it. I got a pretty good sense from Damon that his suggestion that I 'not let that go to waste' is more up his ally as I caught him more than once looking at her crossed legs during dinner, then watching her walking, bending to clean the table. Next time he starts in on me, I'll have my own ammo. _

_His mocking came in handy last night, when he found me staring at my phone he knew what I was thinking… "Just get laid, Stefan… any girl will do." Surely by now he knows me well enough that I'm not a one night stand kind of guy, but he pretty much hit the nail on the head. _

_I was sitting in his living room listening to Pandora radio on my phone – nothing in particular on my mind when this song came on. It was one of those electronica, lots of bass songs that I really don't care much for, but I was typing up my resignation letter on my laptop and didn't dislike it enough to take the time to turn it. I can't tell you if it was the actual song or if it just happened to be similar enough to jog my memory, but within a few seconds of listening to it I was back in Naples, pinning Elena against the wall… I don't know how I went from typing to holding my phone but Damon's voice broke up my train of thought just before I tapped her name on my phone. _

_It's all or nothing - but at that moment I was pretty sure I would be okay with a hook up every now and then if it meant I'd get to see her… I'm not that kind of guy. I don't want to be that kind of guy. But the longer I go, the more difficult it's becoming to stay away from her. Maybe I should just take what I can get. I can't believe I'm actually considering a scandalous affair with my own damn wife…_

_Distance will help – One more day and I'll be Amsterdam._

ELENA's POV

I realize I've only known Robert and Pepper for a few months, but the feeling of being with family is so real that I haven't stopped smiling since I got here. Kennedy is a year younger than me and in still in school. She and I very quickly fell into an easy conversation about pretty much everything – from shoes, to music and movies, to where she should look for work once she graduates with her teaching degree. I offered her Bonnie's number so maybe she can get an inside look from her. I tried my best to make it sound like no big deal when I asked that she give it a few days before calling Bonnie – my decision to stay in Wilmington for Thanksgiving set her off on one of her Bonnie-ism speeches on Tuesday and we haven't talked since.

I'm sitting in the bask of joy I'm feeling as Robert finishes up a second slice of Key-Lime pie and Pepper and Kennedy discuss the tattoos that Carter had – he was completely sleeved and had spacers in his ears, so I'm not sure which ones appeared to be new, so I'm just smiling and half-way listening when Kennedy says, "A rose or something, right?"

It's obvious I was in my own world when my eyes focus on her – my ditzy-ness gives Pepper reason to laugh. I love when she laughs! "You'll have to forgive Kennedy, she's had a crush on your Stefan for quite some time."

"Pepper!" Kennedy gives her a stern look, furrowing her brow as she blushes.

I'm not bothered at all - Stefan has never had trouble getting attention from the opposite sex – he's even harder to resist if you get to know him. Still, Kennedy looks mortified so I try to make her feel a litter better by saying, "It's fine. He and I are just friends… maybe not even that anymore." Sipping at my tea as my throat is suddenly dry, I add, "Pretty sure he hates me."

Robert has been pretty quiet since Carter left and the conversation fell to more feminine topics, but he scoffs loudly with his mouth full of pie. We all turn to look at him – he has that affect. When Robert talks, people listen. "You'll have to excuse me if I talk about him like he's a child, given that in my eyes he's barely in his mid-twenties, but he's about as likely to hate you as I would be to hate Pepper." I notice Pepper nod in agreement. "I don't care how old he really is, that boy is as immature when it comes to love and relationships as you are."

It irks me – his double cut down, calling Stefan and I immature. Again Pepper nods, but I have to argue back… I feel like I'm smarting off at my dad. "Immature? What gives you the idea that he and I are immature?"

He doesn't miss a beat, "Well first of all you're both just babies." I open my mouth to correct him, point out that Stefan is three times older than him, but I catch myself just before I interrupt, remembering Kennedy's presence, "I know… I know he's two hundred or something," I cut my eyes to Pepper who's still gazing at Robert like he's glowing, then to Kennedy. She doesn't seem surprised or bothered at all. "but you're the only girl he's ever committed to and I'm guessing the same is true on your end." Robert pauses long enough for me to correct him if necessary, taking a bite of his pie. I quickly run in through my mind – he's right, I've dated Matt before and the pre-compulsion version doesn't count even though she was committed to Stefan… but I can honestly say Stefan is the only guy I've ever seen being part of my life for the long run. Without counting what I've learned from my journals, just taking our few weeks in account, I love Stefan. When I don't respond, Robert swallows a drink of tea, wipes his mouth with his yellow cloth napkin, then reaches across the table and takes my hand. It surprises me, but I don't pull away. "You're going to have to take a step out of your situation. Just clear your head – stop listening to what your friends are saying, hell stop listening to Pepper even!" I smile – he knows she's Team Vampire too. "Decide what Elena wants."

His George Clooney eyes are just so warm, father-like, I miss my dad at the same time that I'm thankful that I've found Robert and Pepper. "It's too dangerous…"

Robert loves to debate, gets very into his side of the argument, so I don't take it personally when he sits back with loud huff and tosses his napkin on the table. "Aw hell, Elena. Love is dangerous! It's scary as hell. Any minute you could lose the ones you care for and that's what makes knowing that your loved by someone feel so special." Without taking his eyes off of me, his hand moves instinctively to Pepper's knee. "Saying I love you is like saying, I'm willing to get hurt just so I can say I've spent some time with you. Just so I can get to know you like no one else on this Earth, I'm willing to take the chance of having my soul ripped from my body by losing you. It's the most selfless thing you can do, opening yourself up to that kind of pain."

Pepper, now holding Roberts hand with both of hers, adds, "Whatever you do, Elena, please take my advice when I say you should surround yourself with the kind of people that make you laugh. Forget any type of allegiance you feel for your friends from high school just because you've known them for so long… part of growing up is re-evaluating those that you hold dear. Sometimes people change, they grow up and they grow out of the mold that they had once fit it." I have to look away from her, from their sweet embrace as my eyes are beginning to get that sting of coming tears as I think about how my life used to be – the mold I used to fit in before my parents died and before Stefan Salvatore made me into a stronger version of the girl he pulled from the water beneath Wickery Bridge. "You deserve a life full of friends and family that will support you no matter what – even if they don't like what you're doing or when it's obvious that your decision is going to blow up in your face; you should be supported during the decision and after the fall out. No criticism, no _I told you so._ That's being a friend, that's love._"_

BONNIE's POV

Dinner number two is finally over and I made it through without getting into it with my dad about Dinner number one with my mom. Feeling tired from the tension I've held in my body for most of the day, I can hear my dad's truck pulling away from our new little house when my phone rings in my pocket. I hate that my initial response to seeing Elena's name on the caller ID is a frown… I miss when we were friends, not frienemies.

I try my best to sound neutral. For some reason I don't want her to know that I'm sad about how we've fallen apart since she moved. "Hello?"

"Bonnie. I'm sick of this. I'm so tired of being afraid of what you're going to say or how you're going to react. I know you don't like Stefan and I get why, I understand. But Bonnie, I love him. You're going to have to get over the fact that he's a vampire if you and I are going to stay friends. I love you, and I love him and I'm flying to Dallas tonight. I need to catch him before he leaves because he deserves to know that I love him and he deserves to see me say it." She's right, I don't like what Stefan his… but I like the clear, sharp tone I'm hearing. So much like the Elena I've known for the majority of my life. She's talking to me like she's reprimanding a child, but I'm smiling despite her sternness. "I want you to come with me."

CAROLINE's POV

I'm torn. I have no idea what to do… I'm reading Elena's email and watching Stefan play pool with Damon. I feel like I should tell him… but then again, I feel like I should let him stay on his path of All or Nothing and on this side of the human blood fence.

To: Caroline Forbes  
From: Elena Gilbert  
Subject: RSVP  
Date: Nov 25th, 8:49pm

Bonnie and I are on our way. We've got a lay-over in Chicago for a connecting flight to Dallas, but we land at DFW at 3:10am. I'll rent a car and I've reserved a hotel room, but I wanted you to know so you could tell Stefan I'm on my way.

I tried emailing him, but it came back as undeliverable?  
Can't wait to see you! I'll text when we land.  
Elena

STEFAN's POV

"Hey, Stef?" Caroline sounds like she's about to tell me there is a spider on my neck- her voice high pitched and too airy. "What time is your plane leaving?"

"If they can't get those wildfires under control in California we may have to reschedule all together." Damon's been worried about our flight getting canceled since he saw the fires on the news this morning. I'm not concerned really. If they cancel our flight to LAX, then we'll just pick up the next one heading to the east coast.

I just scratched while trying to put the 8 ball in the corner pocket and roll my eyes at Damon's _I won_ dance, "Eleven." It hits me that she's probably looking to see if I can help her with her party… she's been on her phone making last minute arrangements and adjustments constantly since Damon and I got back from London. "But we should probably be at the airport a bit earlier… to get through security and in case we need to get a different flight."

I'm positive that she has an ulterior motive for asking when I get a look at her face – her eyes are wide, her brow furrowed, and she's chewing on her lip. Immediately, I feel bad for not wanting to help. "So you wouldn't want to get breakfast with me?"

Odd question. "Blood breakfast or eggs breakfast?" Damon interjects the question that I was thinking as he racks the balls for another game.

"Um, eggs breakfast."

I feel bad for not wanting to help, I really do… but I'm being honest when I say, "I would, but the flight is something like ten hours. I'm going to need to hunt and make a pretty decent kill before I go to the airport."

I see Caroline slump just the slightest and I again I feel terrible for disappointing her. Damon goes to stand by her, takes a drink of her wine and gives me a wiggle of his eyebrows when he says "Yea, we don't want Stefan snacking on a flight attendant."

ELENA's POV

Bonnie and I look like we've flown from Wilmington to Dallas on the outside of the plane. I'm not kidding, we look terrible! Our connecting flight in Chicago was held up by the some other delayed planes heading out west and we sat in the floor of the airport eating Cheetos and drinking energy drinks until two am. Finally, they call us for our flight and we make it to our hotel room just a little after four in the morning.

With Bonnie in the shower, I'm sitting on my queen bed and applying lotion to my legs when I decide I need to let Stefan know I'm here. In case he doesn't want to talk to me right now, as it's been quite a while since we've had any contact at all, I decide on a text.

Elena: Are you awake?

Laying back, I decide to rest my eyes for a moment – wait for him to respond…

The sound of my phone ringing blares through my aching head and I sit up straight – something like a cartoon character, I mean I am straight up – wide eyes and open mouth. I blink a few times, adjusting to the daylight shining through the window.

"Shut it off, Elena!" Bonnie whines, rolling over in her bed.

It feels like I've been asleep for maybe three seconds… maybe five – but somehow the sun is up and Bonnie is out of the shower and asleep and I'm actually kind of rested. My phone is in the floor? I have to climb off of my bed to get to it – it's 9:28am, Caroline is calling.

"Hello?"

"What in the hell, Elena? Where are you!"

She's just one decibel lower than yelling and it's cutting into my aching head. "Um, we got laid over… we didn't get to Dallas until like four something and just crashed when we got to the hotel room."

"I was freaking out! I stayed up, waiting for you to let me know you got here okay!"

I move back to my bed, cover my head with the covers, "I'm sorry. I didn't want to wake you…" Caroline is quiet for a long moment and I can almost see her frowning – she's a lot like Stefan in that way, they're great frowners. "We can be ready in half an hour or so if you want to meet up?"

"I can't do an hour… I'm picking up your costumes. How about an hour, it'll be lunch by then anyway. I'm near Fort Worth and it'll take me a bit to make it back to Dallas." I wait to respond while she pays for whatever it is she's going to dress-up Bonnie and I as, says a thank you.

"That'll work. Can you get ahold of Stefan? I need to see him before he leaves. Swing by and get him, bring him to lunch."

The pause makes my chest hurt the longer Caroline hesitates, I sit up again when she says, "He's already gone."

Caroline tells me that their flight is leaving at eleven and that they'd planned on getting to the airport a little early to get through security and I try to listen and try not to scream into my pillow – wonder when it is that I'll be able to finally tell him how much he means to me... I just want to give him his birthday gift and tell him I love him.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

BONNIE's POV

I know that Elena is crushed that her very romantic, The Notebook like plan has fell through, but I hope that she's not so upset that we can't have a good time. Last night was pretty rough with the layover and what not, but it's been years since she and I have talked like we did. I'm not sure if it was the anti-depressants or the compulsion, or maybe it was grief over losing Stefan… I don't know, but even though Elena and I went through those four years as close friends, I didn't realize that something was missing until last night. She's just so… so Elena, again.

And, Vampire or no, I have to admit Caroline is the same old Caroline. We had lunch as the bistro across from her apartment where Caroline and Elena had a very small argument about Caroline not telling Stefan that we were coming. At first, I was kind of pissed too… but Caroline's explanation made sense so… Elena let it go. The Salvatore's will be back the week before Christmas and Elena has decided that she's going to bring Allie back to Texas to spend the holiday's with Stefan. Once lunch was over, Caroline took us on a quick tour of her office at the NBC building and introduced us to the anchors and a couple other reporters. Everyone seemed to love Caroline, so I'm not sure why Elena says Caroline feels intimidated by her co-workers… from what I could tell she was fitting in great.

I'm laying on top of Caroline's bed and examining the skyline through the open, spotless windows when I hear Elena shriek, "No way." I laugh when I see the outfit in Elena's hands. Watching them discuss Caroline's costume choice for Elena is so similar to how we used to be that I think I may cry right here on Caroline's very expensive duvet.

ELENA's POV

The elevator slows, coming to an easy stop as I give the fabric of my costume one more tug – the other fifty times I've pulled at the too-short shorts and barely there top hasn't helped, but I feel a bit too uncovered in the Merlotte's Bar and Grill costume Caroline has forced me into. It would be one thing if this was true to form, but I've watched True Blood and I know that her white tee shirt does not fit like this – so snug I can barely breath and stopping a few inches below where my bra should be. Like all other Halloween costumes for adults; sexy nurse, sexy fairy, sexy dead girl… it not just 'Sookie's uniform', its 'Sookie's _Sexy_ Uniform'.

I get the pun – I do, but I'd much rather be a sexy Bollywood Dancer like Bonnie. She's trying to act like she feels as uncomfortable as I do, but I can tell by her perfect posture and the sparkle in her eyes that she's feeling like a million dollars in the yellow and orange saree and jewels on her forehead.

Luckily, the lobby of TheW is literally teaming with so many others in costumes that I immediately feel more comfortable. I am by far not the most scandalously dressed - Bonnie and I stop, take a moment to observe the others as they make their way into the ballroom. We've spotted a few Elvis', plenty of dressed down girls with their arms looped with messy haired guys with sparkly make up on their faces, a Lance Armstrong, a handful of unrecognizable yet very sexy something-or-anothers, and at least two Britney's by the time I make it to the entrance. We're all waiting in line to have our invitations checked by the large bodyguards and I wonder if everyone else is sensing the excitement in the air like I am. It's probably because I haven't been to a party like this in… well, maybe forever, but I can hear the bass and the closer I get to the opening I'm feeling like I'm being absorbed into a wave of vibration.

"Good evening, Miss Gilbert… Mrs. Gilbert." The bodyguard that Caroline introduced us to earlier nods, taking my invitation, then gesturing for us to enter - try as I may to not look like a child walking into Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory, I know my expression is giving my excitement away.

Caroline has really went all out! The vast room feels like we've entered another land – there are rope dancers hanging from the ceiling, tumbling and gliding up and down long strands of satin in deep red and eggplant purple and a sparkling, sheer white. Those same colors are braided together along the sides of the room, creating semi-private getaways with soft velvet couches and back lit tables glowing in a gentle haze of fog that is billowing out from the cozy retreats and merging into a low carpet across the entire floor. I'm trying to count the intermittent, sparkling orbs that are hanging low from the ceiling as if it's a galaxy of stars created for our entertainment when Bonnie hugs into my arm and points – the entire wait-staff is made up of bulky, sculpted to perfection men dressed like the cast of 300, serving drinks and hordevours on play versions of Greek shields. I shake my head – the thought of my own personal Greek God and his burning green eyes has entered my mind for the hundredth time today.

"Ugh, I specifically told everyone I was coming as Britney!" Caroline sighs in a slightly aggravated tone as she pulls Bonnie, then me into a quick hug. She's in her _I'm the boss_ mode and I enjoy seeing her this way, just like how I remember her from high school.

"This is amazing, Caroline!" Bonnie coos, her eyes moving over the crowd of people growing larger by the minute. "I feel like we're in some kind of a fantasy world!"

With a knowing, proud smile, Caroline follows Bonnie's gaze over her handy work. Really, Caroline has turned what I assume was a white walled, tile floored, basic hotel ballroom into something from a fairy tale… a somewhat erotic, very adult fairy tale with a dub-step soundtrack and half dressed men serving alcohol, but we may as well be on Mars – she's created an alternate universe!

"I want you two to have some fun okay? I'll be back in a bit," She takes two glowing bands from her wrist, handing one to each of us. "This will get you guys to the VIP section, the stairs are just over there, to the left of the bar. Don't lose these, okay? They're like $1000!"

"We're supposed to have paid?" I shriek loudly over the bass drop and the noise of the crowd. The more people that arrive the harder it's getting to hear my own voice… it's probably no later than fifteen after ten and the place is already packed.

Caroline just shakes her head like it doesn't matter, dismissing my concern, "It's for charity, I've got you two covered!" With a quick kiss on my check, then a squeeze of Bonnie's hand, _In-charge_ Caroline disappears into the throng of celebrity and mystical creature costumes.

We stand there a moment or two more, I'm watching one of the rope dancers – just a silhouette of long, lean legs and arms, and a curving and stretching torso as she tangles up the rope, tumbles down like a feather… it looks so easy, so seamless and I'm lost in a trance when Bonnie tugs at my hand.

"Let's get a drink!"

DAMON's POV

I was pretty surprised that Stefan suggested we make a stop by Caroline's party. My guess is she's been bugging him about not coming and it's just like him to feel obligated to do something even when he doesn't want to just because he's friends with her. It's fine with me… hell there is an open bar, a great DJ, and plenty of women to choose from. I don't know how long this party had been going on by the time we arrive at near midnight, but everyone seems to be pretty liquored up and Stefan is wasting no time joining rank.

I know he's hurting and he's heartbroken and all of that, but seriously, it's been pretty nice these last few weeks. No women, no competition, just me and Stefan, the Salvatore brothers, drinking, and hustling pool, hunting for the Originals and planning out poetic ways of killing them. So it took a hundred and fifty someodd years for us to work it out, it was worth it. I get the feeling that he's thinking the very same thing when he hands me a flaming tequila shot – a challenging smile on his face as he lifts his to his mouth and drinks it down without blowing out the fire. My brother, I love this kid.

I follow suit, let the burn of the alcohol and the flame cut into me for a moment, trying my best to not grimace when Stefan grabs my shoulder and gives me a shake, nodding to a very sexy red head dressed in a glowing white toga and smiling at me from the railing, looking down into the throng of dancers, then cutting her gold-lines eyes back to me.

"What the hell!" I say loudly, standing and taking off my jacket. Our flight was canceled due to weather and, though we've spent literally all day trying to work our way through delayed flights and rechartered flights, we couldn't get another one until tomorrow afternoon - may as well have a good time. "Get us a bottle, will you?" I call over my shoulder to Stefan as I make my through the VIP section - still-crowded, but less so than the dance floor.

When I get next to the red-haired Spartan I don't say anything –I feel her look over at me and I very slowly move my eyes down her body, then back up to her face… she's smiling and blushing and that heart rate of hers is beating hard enough now that I can hear it pounding along with the music.

This was a good idea.

STEFAN's POV

Taking a third bottle of beer from one of the waiters, I try not to cringe at the thought of having to wear that red cloak and nude-colored briefs gladiator get-up for a living. Caroline hasn't texted me back, but I figure I'll run into her sooner or later. I keep thinking I should have responded to Elena's late night text, but I woke up pissed off about the whole situation so… maybe tomorrow.

One of the interns that I met from Caroline's office has made it a point to make sure I have a good time. Don't get me wrong, she's gorgeous – Caroline says that the whole office calls her the long lost Kardashian, I can see why. She's dressed like a stripper and I really can't say I mind that she's been at my side for the last twenty minutes or so. Damon has run off with a Spartan girl, leaving me at our VIP table with the Kardashian.

I think I lost interest in her when after telling me that she was indeed a '_naughty_ stripper', I said "That's kind of redundant, isn't it?" It was meant to be a joke, but when she didn't get it whatever attraction I had for her faded pretty quickly. Damon's right… I can be kind of a snob.

Either way, the party looks to be a hit and the DJ she brought in from Seattle is great – I'm just starting to get that buzzed feeling and the redundant intern is basically giving me a lap dance… so the night isn't going to be a total waste.

ELENA's POV

Halfway up the stairs to the VIP section I remember that, though I have no pockets in my Sexy Sookie Uniform, my phone is in my tiny apron – somehow I've lost Bonnie. I went up and down the dance floor three or four times to no avail. The only place I've left to check is the VIP balcony seating – if she's not up there then I'm going text her and hope she stuck her phone in her bra or something.

Reaching the top of the metal stairs I hold out my glowing green wrist band to the security guy, then move to the rail – peeking through the swaying bodies and moving further down the railing. You'd think a bright yellow girl would be easy to spot, but even the VIP section is crowded and I'm having trouble seeing the booths. Bonnie's a lot like me, not exactly a party girl, so I decide she's probably camped out at a table and texting Jeremy. When I finally weave my way through the standing-room only crowd, I wish to God I was wearing something like the girl dancing in front of my Stefan.

That's my first thought – not_ hey, there's Stefan _or _wait, I thought he was in the air on the way to kill Rebekah_. I can't help it. I immediately feel like a subpar piece of a woman in comparison to the one that's got her ass swaying back and forth over Stefan's lap. She's tall and fit and she's wearing fish net stockings and a red leather bra and boy shorts. He's leaned back on the booth, taking a drink of his beer, when it hits me… damn this chest pressure push/pull and the way it sucks the air from my lungs and freezes my brain from sending signals to my body… signals like get the hell out of here. My eyes are glued to way his lips touch the glass of his beer bottle when I see his hand stop – in mid drink, he stops and that's when I know he's feeling it too… our gravity.

It must be the adrenaline of feeling his heavy green gaze on me that sets me back in control, because in a fraction of a second I'm turning to leave and he's basically shoved the girl off of his lap. I don't have to turn around to know that he's no more than a few feet behind me as I nearly run down the steps. I have no idea why I'm running, but I have to get away and collect my thoughts… I need a second. Being surprised by Stefan Freaking Salvatore is the equivalent of taking step off of a cliff. It's terrifying and exhilarating and my God does it ever confuse you. If he wouldn't have been looking at me like that… like he was livid or maybe hungry, maybe I wouldn't have taken off like this, but I'm doing all I can to lose him in the crowd of dancing people when I run right into the bare chest of a guy dressed like a police officer – a _sexy_ police officer with short blue shorts, an unbuttoned shirt, and a night stick hanging from his belt.

He's drunk and gets the wrong idea, immediately thinking I'm trying to dance with him. Now that I've stopped moving the crowd is thick around me and I can't move away. Throwing a quick glance over my shoulder, I'm relieved and disappointed at the same time that I don't see Stefan…

I'm backing away from the sexy police officer, about to apologize for running into him when I spot Stefan again, off to the side of the dance floor – wow. He's glaring at me… full on, head tilted down, brow furrowed and eyes narrowed, staring. Again, you have to understand how caught off guard I am by him being here! Even when I know Stefan is near he's sends my senses completely off track and haywire… I have no idea why, but I start dancing.

I'll blame it on the fact that I'd just witnessed the love of my life getting a very dirty lap dance, but I start dancing like I'm doing it for money. It's slow and suggestive, the way I'm moving my hips – how I let my hands trail down my sides, over my thighs, then back up. I'm trying not to look at him looking at me, but deep inside of me I like that he's watching and cannot stop from stealing a glance when I roll my body along with the bassline.

He's not moved, still glaring at me – his neck tense and my mouth is dying to touch it - when sexy police officer moves up against me and my dirty dancing increases ten fold. I'm grinding against him and watching Stefan - flipping my hair back, running the tip of my tongue across my upper lip – I mean, I'm seriously giving Stefan a show and using this unsuspecting guy as stripper pole. Somehow my get away has turned into some kind of an exotic show in the middle of hundreds of strangers. Bending at the waste, I lose sight of Stefan while I move in front of sexy police officer in the same swaying motion the lapdancer was doing for him earlier. When I stand, just seconds later, he's gone.

I keep it up for a few more minutes, frantically searching through the crowd trying to spot him… but he's no where to be seen. Sexy police officer must be confused, because after a very sexy dance that lasted for a little more than one full song, I've just turned and walked away… I've got to find Bonnie and get out of here. I need to get some regular clothes on and then look for Stefan.

Elena: Where are you?

I'm buzzing with alcohol and electricity in my veins when she responds.

Bonnie: In the ladies!

It takes a minute to get through the crowd – it's like swimming upstream as people are still coming in even though the party has been going on for atleast two hours and the room is jam packed. By the time I finally get into the lobby, I'm worried that Bonnie may have left the restroom, so I take my phone and head towards the bathroom sign as I text:

Elena: Stay in the bathroom, I'm on my way. I want to go ba-

It's déjà vu. The first time we met.

We're directly in front of the men's room door and he's looking down at me like I'm water and he's dehydrated. I can't speak, I can't breath – I've never felt the gravity like this, it's never been so strong and constricting. My eyes move from his burning green down to his perfectly shaped mouth and it's like telepathy, me stepping back into the bathroom door as he reaches over my head and pushes it open. Each step back I take is met my Stefan stepping forward – I think this must be what it feels like to be hunted. I lick my lips when I realize I really want to be caught.

"Ma'am, sir, you ca-" The elderly bathroom attendant moves to stand in front of Stefan. It must look like he's about to attack me as he's bowed up and glaring at me and I'm shaking and moving away from him – I keep going until I feel the counter against my back and I can't go any further.

Stefan says nothing. Reaching into his back pocket, that burning gaze never leaving me, he removes his wallet, then a large handful of cash – enough to make the bathroom attendant inhale sharply when Stefan hands it to him. "Stand outside the door and let no one in. Understand?" Stefan Salvatore does not need compulsion… this man demands to be obeyed. I bite my lip at the thought.

The door is shut and we're alone for a long moment, his eyes still on me, burning into me, when I say "Stop looking at me like that."

"Was that you're boyfriend?" I'm having trouble breathing I want him so bad and that's what he asks – spitting out the words like they leave a bad taste in his mouth.

I don't know why I don't deny it, I don't even shake my head no. I just repeat in a more stern tone, "Stop looking at me like that, Stefan." It's making me ache, the muscles in the deepest parts of my stomach are so tight and it's all due to his _the things I can do to you_ stare. Its been like this forever – even in my journals – the few time Stefan has been really, truly mad at me, all I want is to make love to him.

Clenching his jaw, he finally looks away from me as he turns his head, puts his hands on his hips. "What do you want me to do Elena? Am I supposed to act like I didn't see you?" For a moment, I feel bad for running from him – his voice is so rough and raw… but then he looks back at me, right in my eyes, and adds, "You're boyfriend is out there and all I can think about is the way you taste and how you're body curves against mine." I turn to liquid.

"Stefan…" It's almost a moan, the way I say his name.

"No Elena, I can't do this again. You cannot keep doing this to me." He raises his hand, looks at the floor. "Make a decision. Right now. Stop stringing me along." I shake my head – have I been doing that? He answers my thoughts, "You want me to go, you want me to wait. Its impossible to do both, Elena. I know because I've spent the last three months trying and I can't. I can't do it!" Shaking his head, he licks his lips, runs his hand through his hair. When he speaks again, his voice sound broken… quiet and raw "Just tell me what I'm supposed to do here Elena… I'm lost, I don't know what you want from me."

Even still I want him. I want him so badly… here he is, telling me that he needs me to give him some kind of direction and all I can think about is how his dark jeans are hanging from his hips and the muscles of his chest are pressing against his shirt. I need to get my head together… I can't think with him looking at me like that.

I turn around and lean my weight onto the counter. I know he can see me in the mirror but at least it gives me some distance. The affect that I have on him is painfully obvious – and I hate myself for loving it so. He can't let go until I make him… he can't hang on until I give him hope. I hear him exhale, listen to his footsteps as he paces a bit. Pepper's voice comes to my mind… what she said about real love, real friendship is about letting someone decide for themselves… not forcing your will on someone else.

Looking at him in the reflection, I know what I want. I want to be with him and love him and take advantage any and every moment I can get with him… but, I wonder what he would choose. I'm lost in my thoughts of Pepper's advice and Robert's speech and just how incredibly beautiful Stefan is when he turns and heads for the door. My mouth opens and I speak without thinking just as he grabs the door handle, "Do what you want to do, Stefan. Just once. Stop worrying about what you think I want or what may or may not be right… Just this one time do what you want to do."

He stays still, his eyes on the wall in front of him and his hand on the door knob for a long moment… when he slowly lifts his head and cuts that burning green gaze to me, I nearly combust at the sound of the him turning the deadbolt of the bathroom door.

I can't move. Maybe I'm scared to move or maybe I'm paralyzed by his eyes on me and the thoughts in my mind, but I'm as still as a statue as I watch him. He takes off his black leather jacket, tossing it on the ground – his eyes move down my back, down my thighs, all the way to my calves. When his gaze starts it's slow move back up, he's unfastening his belt, taking a step closer to me, unbuttoning his jeans.

This man… he knows how to work every single aspect… the slow, casual way he's closing the distance between us, it's setting me on fire. I'm shaking – he hasn't even touched me and I'm shaking with anticipation when he pulls his shirt over his head, drops it to the floor… I want to gasp at the sight of his beautiful body. Cut and chiseled and formed to perfection – my Greek God.

I inhale loudly – half breath half moan – when his fingertips graze down the curve of my side. From my ribcage to my hip... his touch leaves my skin tingling. The stern, unyielding glare softens a bit when that proud, semi-smile curves on his face – he's enjoying what he's doing to me. Making me want him like this.

I want to look away from him… I'm going to come undone before we even start if he keeps looking at me like that, but my body is screaming at me to not hide from him. The last time I turned away, against the fender of his Mustang, he stopped… I'm not taking that chance. So I keep my face up and my eyes on him as I watch him inspect me, the way his eyes smolder and his teeth press into his lip is almost too much. It's ten fold when I feel his hand grab at the curve of my ass, his fingers pressing against me hard in a kneading motion. "Stefan, please."

I'm the girl that begs for it.

I'm the girl that is dripping for him after a single touch. This is what he does to me… I love it.

"What?" He groans, sliding that hand low around my waist, squeezing his grip into my hip bone and pulling me back against him. I groan – just feeling him hard against me and I'm groaning.

"Please." It's all I can muster. I don't have enough air in my lungs to say much else.

I finally get a break from his eyes on me when he leans against me – his warm skin against my back - and kisses my neck, sucking and biting just below my ear – his hand gliding down my pelvis, sliding between my legs while the other moves beneath my shirt. "Stefan, please!"

"You're all I've ever wanted, Elena." He's so good with words! I feel his lips against my ear and his callused hand on my breast and the circling pressure between my legs and his want for me pressing against my ass and it's his words that are fueling me and stealing away my senses. "I'd die for you. I'm nothing without you."

"I know, I'm sorry, Stefan, please." My brain has lost all control and the want for him takes over, my thumbs slip beneath the waste of my shorts, pushing them down my hips. I just can't stand it any longer. I've got to have him.

"Tell me what you want from me, Elena." His green eyes are burning into me again. I can't believe how his eyes change like this… from soft and grass green to this dark, fiery burn… "Say it." His voice tremors through me, his lips grazing against my neck and I feel him pressing against me, teasing me.

I swallow hard, lick my lips, "I want you inside of me" that hungry half-smile of his curves against my neck and I feel his hand leave me, hear the metal of his belt. When he pushes inside of me, it's so painful – being filled by him – I cry out. I think I say his name, but I don't have time to think about what I'm moaning or how lascivious I sound as he's moving fast and so very hard. His hands are all over me, his warm mouth on my neck, then his tongue between my lips, muting my cries. It's months of anger and bickering and confusion and tension and years of loving me that he's releasing and I'm absorbing in waves of sparking sensation – friction and heat and overwhelming pressure - covering my body in a thin sheen of sweat that Stefan tongues from the curve of my neck like it's honey while my fingers fist in his hair.

I can feel my end coming closer, the muscles of my legs and my chest and my arms tensing, my cries increasing in volume as Stefan wraps his fingers over my mouth, pulling me back against his chest, my head on his shoulder, and we lose it together. His groaning in my ear so deep and guttural, carnal.

An instant later, I'm still panting, barely able to hold my own weight with my insufficient legs, he moves away. I'm cold without him, but can't move just yet… I'm muscle-less, a ball of over-sensitive nerves still gasping for air. He's slipping his jacket on when I finally come to –confused.

"Where are you going?" My voice strained and hoarse, pulling up my shorts.

Stefan doesn't even look back at me, walking towards the door. "See you in a couple of weeks."

CAROLINE's POV

I spot him instantly – he looks like he's about to be sick, or since he's coming out of the mens room, may he's been sick. Either way, his eyes are watery and his brow deeply furrowed.

"Stefan! Hey!" I call out to him and he looks at me, but keeps walking – a fast, determined pace, with his head down and fists tight at his sides. "Stefan!"

I catch up to him just as he gets to the stairwell, follow him in and now that I'm close enough to get a good look at him, I'm filled with worry. "Stefan, what is it? What's wrong?" He's pacing and biting his lips and won't look at me. I grab him by the shoulders, move to find his line of sight. "Stefan…"

He just shakes his head and falls into me… tears coming from his eyes. I hug him tightly, feel his hands at my sides and his body shaking in my arms – I don't need him to tell me, I know what caused this break in Stefan… it's always Elena.

**MORE TO COME - Follow me IChooseStefan on Twitter, or feel free to leave a comment/review.**

**Thanks for reading!**


	19. Chapter 19

**CHAPTER 19 – THE BROKEN**

DAMON's POV

I feel like I'm about to rip someones God damn head off… I don't know what the fuck is going on but I know that Stefan's off the fucking handle and Elena is here – that bitch had better not have given him another one of her heart to heart speeches.

"Just go back to the party, Damon." Caroline seems to think she's got this under control, she won't even let me in her apartment. "He's fine. Well, I mean he'll be fine."

"What happened? I saw him… what did she do?" Its funny. Four years ago there is nothing Elena could have done to make me want to kill her. It's really not that far outside of the realm of possibilities right now.

"Nothing! Will you just go back to the party?" Caroline steps into the hall with me, closing the door behind her. "Come on. See he's fine! I wouldn't leave him if I thought he wasn't okay… okay?"

I follow her to the elevator, holding my tongue, considering the options. "What did she do, Caroline?" I try again, but she's watching the numbers on the screen as we get closer to the first floor. I give a loud huff at her cool demeanor, punch the sheetmetal wall just as we come to a stop. "I get the feeling you want Elena to make it through the night alive, so I'm going to go home. Just do one thing right and keep her away from him."

CAROLINE's POV

Good Lord, he's so dramatic – Damon, not Stefan.

Stefan never told me what happened. He didn't cry but for a minute or so, then folded into himself like he does, absorbing whatever agony he's feeling. There's nothing I can do right now… I've seen him like this once before and I know the drill. Stefan likes to be alone even when he's not devastated…

I wait to watch Damon leave. We may be on friendly terms but I still don't trust him. Once I'm satisfied that he's actually going back to his place in Southlake, I take my phone and start to send Elena a text – I don't even get started before I hear her call my name.

"Have you seen Stefan?"

I don't want to be mad at her – afterall, I don't have any clue what has gone down, but I am. I'm angry about her hurting him. Elena's eyes are red and her hair is messy and I see that's she's upset too… so I swallow the anger I'm feeling and move on with my plan.

"I think he left… with Damon a few minutes ago." It's a quick test to see how she reacts. The furrow of her brow, how her eyes fill with tears… she passed. "Why don't you go on up to my apartment and get your things, get changed? I'll find Bonnie."

Elena hesitates for just a small second, then nods as she takes my key.

STEFAN's POV

I'm in disbelieve maybe. I don't recognize my own reflection – looking at a strangers face in the master bathroom – I'm staring at a man I don't know. I am nothing without her.

I can't believe I did that.

I feel like I've raped her… not the Elena that's probably back on the dance floor with her boyfriend, but the Elena that loved me and the Elena that remembered what we had.

Denial… what in the hell was I thinking? I can't do this.

I can't be that guy for her.

Because she wants me to be, I tried, but I can't – it truly hurts me to know that of all the ways she loved me all that remains is that. Sex.

I tried. I can't.

She told me to do what I wanted to do – _just once, Stefan_. I did… I did what I wanted to do by doing what she asked of me. That's the guy I am. You can judge me for that and call me whatever you like, but I'll lay down and I'll die for her, so long as she's happy. I hate how much I love her. It's fucking killing me… ripping me from the inside out.

I just want to be numb for a while. If I'm going to make it til morning without turning into dust from this horrible pain coursing through me, I need to numb down to nothing.

I need blood.

I'm too tired to second guess it, moving slower than I like through Caroline's bedroom, across the vast living room and directly to the stainless steel refridgerator. I hear the door unlock, open, and I know Caroline's going to try to stop me, but I don't care.

I don't even look around the door when she walks into the kitchen. I've got three donor bags in my hand, when I shut the door and find Elena standing in front of me.

She's beautiful and cruel, this girl in front me. Those clear, endless eyes looking up at me with that confusing emotion, the one I thought was love, and once again I'm reminded of my bargain with God. I can't take any more of her tonight… please understand me when I tell you I'm at the end of my rope here, hanging on by a thread. I turn away, leaving the donor bags on the counter as I move past. I get a few long strides away from her before her voice cuts into me and I wonder if I'm strong enough to keep standing. I've never felt pain like this.

"I don't remember loving you." I don't know why she thinks I need to hear this again… I've heard her say that a million times over, it's in constant loop in my head. I know. "I'm sorry that I don't remember falling in love with you in Mystic Falls. I wish I could remember what it was like to know a man as good and kind as you was falling in love with me." When her voice quivers, every part of me wants to go to her and hold her while she digs into for second time. That's how much I love her… I want to comfort her through breaking me. "You have no idea how badly I wish I could remember things that you do… the lakehouse, Italy… I just can't. I don't remember loving you back then."

"I know. I know that." I can't hold my head up, my body losing strength every time she says that… she doesn't love me. I have to force myself to keep standing, to look at her. "Elena, please, I'm begging you don't do this again. I know, you don't have to tell me again."

She shakes her head. I'm going to have to hear it again… she's not stopping. "I don't remember those things. But I remember the way I felt when I saw you in the conference room – I'll never be able to forget how you helped me through that interview. You knew about my writings and the things that I loved. I can't shake how alive I feel when you're near me. I can't ignore that I'm half dead when you're gone… the way you love Allie, Stefan it means so much to me." I'm confused. I'm hearing her words and I'm seeing the tears on her face, but I just can't follow her – I can't figure out where she's going with this.

ELENA's POV

"…I don't remember when you saved me from the Originals or when you gave up your life for me in Naples, but I remember laughing with you in Wilmington until my stomach hurt and I was worn out from the pure joy of you. I wish I could tell you that I remember how you helped my friends and how you loved me through all of those terrible things."

I didn't plan this speech, I just saw him standing in the kitchen and, once again surprised to see him, my heart bypassed my brain and I started talking. Stefan is looking at me like I'm speaking a language he doesn't know. The pain in his face and the hurt in those telling green eyes - it may as well be shards of glass against my skin. I hate it. I hate what I've done to my unbreakable Stefan.

"I wish I could tell you that I remember loving you back then – but, I love you now, Stefan. I love you for the way you're always there for me." Like he can't stand on his own, Stefan leans against the counter, his hands splayed onto the granite and his head shaking no… his shaking is head no… "I love you for the way I know I'm safe with you and I love you for how I can talk to you for hours about anything and you listen to me… I love how you listen to me, how you really hear me."

My voice catches, he's shaking his head no…

I spend a long moment looking at him, trying to figure out whatelse I can say…

His voice is quiet, thick with emotion, "Elena, I can't do this. You have to stop. I don't need to hear you tell me you love me."

"Stefan…" He doesn't believe me. He thinks I'm giving him a line like after he found me reading his journals. "Stefan, listen to me." I move to him, grab his shoulder and try to turn him to face me. "Stefan I love you." He's still shaking his head no. A soft, barely there movement that is crushing my heart. I guess it's an attempt to stop the shaking of his head, the denial… his not accepting of my words – I take his face in my hands and make him look at me. Stefan doesn't need to hear me say that I love him, he needs to feel it, see it my eyes. He tries to turn away but I move with him, "Stefan. Look at me. You know me. You know everything about me… look at me," My teary eyes are searching his face, that beautiful Roman face that I see in my dreams, when he finally raises his eyes up to meet mine. I gaze at him for a long moment – my brown looking directly into his soft green – "I love you…" I shake my head yes as tears stream down my face, "I love you, Stefan." I see his shoulders relax, feel him start to breathe again – his hands moving around my waist and pulling me against him, holding me like he's afraid I'm going to disappear, "Just let me love you."

**MORE TO COME – Follow me IChooseStefan and feel free to leave a review/comment/question.**

**Thanks for reading!**


	20. Chapter 20

**CHAPTER 20 – THE BROKEN**

STEFAN's POV

I want to believe her.

There's nothing in this world that I could possibly want more, but my mind is berated with images of our past. I realize Elena doesn't remember much, if any of these things… the many times I've lost her and the many times she's hurt me – but those memories, they're all over me – holding me prisoner inside a virtual cell of doubt.

_I gave you today, just like you asked. I can't be with you, Stefan …_

_I don't want to be a vampire, Stefan …_

_I kissed Damon …_

_We need to talk about Denver…_

_I don't know what I feel … _

_I guess the romance of Spain helped her make her choice, brother … _

_Damon asked me to marry him, I said yes … _

_He asked me to change, I agreed … _

_I can't just leave Damon, he has never left me … _

_You meant nothing to me, I never loved you… _

_You're a monster, Stefan… _

_I never loved you. _

_I never loved you._

_I never loved you._

_I don't want to be with you, go to Dallas, move on… _

_I do not love you, Stefan…_

_I am not your wife…_

Like a scar protecting damaged nerve endings, all those memories, the pain and fear, it's wrapped so tightly, surrounding me… protecting me, even. I can barely feel Elena's embrace. Honestly, I don't feel much of anything. It's a strange state to be in, so completely and utterly worn through from sudden highs and plunging lows that I'm left in calloused, anesthetized nothingness. Still, I'm holding her tightly; trying to sense the warmth of Elena's body and her arms around my shoulders, her hand on the back of my head and her face against my neck – but there's nothing.

From the day I met Elena there's been this responsiveness from my body to hers – sometimes just in the background, a gentle change in the atmosphere – other times it's an intense, burning force that tenses my body and squeezes the air from my lungs. When she's near, my soul knows it before my mind is aware of her presence. I could always tell the difference between Elena and Katherine because of the frequency flowing through us – with Katherine there is none; that's why right now, with not a bit of space between our bodies, I'm confused… all I can feel is void emptiness - no pull, no push, no gravity.

It's actually quite startling, the lack of feeling, the loss of that frequency between us. If my brain wasn't so overwhelmed, if it was working correctly and able to send the correct synapses' I'd probably be acting much different. Instead, I'm calm – too calm - there are no tears in my eyes, my breathing is even... just a bit of uncomfortable tension in my neck.

I know it's Elena because of the smell of her blood – warm and iron-rich, slightly caffeinated - this fact alone makes the lack of sensation worry me even further. I'd rather believe that this emptiness is in response to a vampire who I have absolutely no feelings for – none good, at least – and not how I'm reacting to Elena… my life, my reason for being.

I don't feel anything when she kisses my neck, then my jaw – I only hear it. I _hear_ Elena's lips press against me once, twice, three times – I _hear_ her fingers scratch through the short hair on the back of my head. Beginning to feel a bit of concern regarding my failing senses and absolutely disgusted with myself for what I'd done to her in the lobby restroom, I move away before her lips find my mouth. The thought of Elena kissing me is repulsive after what I've done.

"Stefan –"

There's that confusing emotion, the one I keep mistaking for love – Elena follows me with wide, cautious eyes as I take a step away - I see it again. The darkest, most beautifully clear, deep brown eyes on her perfectly innocent face, looking at me like she loves me.

"I'm so sorry, Elena. I don't, I never should have done that." Ashamed of myself for the way I handled her, degraded her, I have to keep my eyes on the floor – I can't bring myself to look at her, she deserves so much more than me.

"What?" She reaches for my hand, "I don't know what you're talking about?" Pulling at my arm to come back to her embrace, I stand rigid – she may as well be trying to move a mountain, her strength is nothing compared to mine. I hear the frustration in her voice when she adds, "Why are you apologizing? After all that I've done to you, Stefan… you have nothing to be sorry for."

"The way I treated you –" I swallow hard, trying to force the words from my mouth… they won't come. I can't bring myself say how I feel; like I've just forced myself on her. "You told me to do what I wanted…I didn't want –" My mind keeps picturing the coldness in my eyes, my stone cold face reflecting back at me in the mirror as I touched her – the instant change from the man I recognized to the monster that dishonored her the instant she responded to my last effort at explaining how I love her with a plead for sex. "…not that way... I feel like, like I - I've just _defiled_ you..." Releasing my confession hurts – something like vomiting acid from my throat, it's burning and my eyes water in response. I'm actually quite relieved to feel anything, adding in a rough sigh, "I swear, Elena, _I am so sorry_."

When she laughs – a short, accidentally released chuckle – my eyes defy my brain and look at her face… her smiling face, her mouth covered with her hand. For a long moment, taking in the playful look in her eyes, I'm quite confused.

"Stefan - The only thing that you did that I didn't want was leave me so quickly!" She says through repressed giggles, again pulling at me to come closer. "Trust me, I realize how odd it must seem – the way I react when you're mad at me,"

I step towards her when she tugs at my arm for a third time, interrupting in a quiet voice, "- I wasn't mad at you." _Was I? _

Elena rolls her eyes, expressing her faux-irritation with me, "You _were_ mad, I was mad too! We've been mad at each other for weeks now… but that's okay. We've been stupid – so immature," Something about how she says _immature_ sounds like she's imitating a voice in her head. When I feel Elena's fingertips against my jaw, it's an immediate reaction to turn into her touch – her palm is warm against my face – it takes a moment for me to notice that my senses seem to be waking again. "Anytime you're upset with me I just want it to be over with! I want to feel you, _love you_… I want that connection that we have to drown out whatever it is that I've done to make you angry. In the most intimate way, both physically and emotionally, I want to feel how much you love me…" The voice in my head is telling me that she reacts like that because it's all she can feel for me now that the compulsion has taken away her ability to love me - it's like Elena knows what's going through my mind, adding "it's ridiculous, I know, but it's been like this forever… I mentioned it my journals, even."

I'm immediately reminded of when we first met; I was feeling a bit jealous about the friendship that I saw forming between Elena and Damon, knowing full well how my brother liked to snake his way into my life in the most unwelcomed and painful ways. The way she'd touch me and hold onto me when she knew I was feeling doubtful, the way she'd kiss me in front of Damon as if to show us both who she belonged to, how the gravity between us has always amped up when anger is involved from either side… I suddenly feel reassured, realizing it's always been this way between us; I just couldn't see it through my distrust in how she feels about me now.

A little surprised by Elena's clarity, my voice sounds out of place somehow when I say, "Still, I shouldn't have been so… rough." The word just doesn't seem fitting – cold, forceful, detached – I can't think of how to explain the first time I've ever been with Elena and it felt like anything less than making love. "I've been trying to convince myself that I could be _that guy_ – just a casual thing for you, but-"

Giving a quick huff as if she's shocked, Elena interrupts, shaking her head at me and squeezing my hand, speaking at a rambling pace. "That is not what I want. I've never wanted that!" I can hear the honesty in her voice, feel it flowing through me. "_I love you_… I thought that we'd be safer if you were in Dallas so I told you to go because I couldn't bare the thought of losing Allie, of the Originals killing you!" Elena pauses for a moment, swallowing, licking her lips, collecting her thoughts. When she starts again, very gently her fingers release my hand and move to rest on my chest – instantly, like a crash of thunder, an explosion! – the frequency is back and it's thick and heavy, pulsating through me. I flinch out of surprise and have to hold back a smile – relieved and grateful for its return. I'm not sure if it's the slight balk of my muscles or if Elena somehow felt our gravity manifest beneath her hand, but she looks down at my chest where she's touching me, curling her fingers then splaying them out again, pressing her hand flat against me. She even stutters when she starts again. "I… I was willing to be away from you, to love you from a distance. I didn't mean that I wanted a fling."

When she smiles, like my fear is completely ridiculous – the sheer beauty of her face pulling a smile from my mouth, as well - I can't keep my hands from her any longer.

I start slowly as my senses are overzealous with their return from numbness. Elena is breathtaking – the sight of her endless eyes gazing up at me is so beautiful that it's painful. I let my hand brush the length of her dark hair of off her shoulder, the backs of my fingers graze against her neck for the slightest of seconds before I remember this cannot be.

I want to believe her words, _I love you._ It's easy to see that Elena wants to love me.

I can't stop my fingers from moving to her face, slipping into her hair, even as I hear Damon's voice in my head _It's a hopeless cause – you can't beat compulsion, brother._

When her hands come to my face, her thumb slipping across my lips, I feel it all the way through me. Our gravity is persistent in its attempt to make me forget the cold hard fact that it's impossible for Elena to love me - I can't tell you if it's the pull of her that I could never fight or the way Elena makes me… not feel, just how she makes me; with her I'm relaxed, I'm happy, I'm in the moment and not lost in my guilt for what I truly am… but the longer we stand here like this, the longer I look into her clear, endless eyes, I don't care to remember the truth.

I'll just let myself believe it. I'll pretend it's real.

Elena wraps her arms around my shoulders and lays her head against me. Until this moment I hadn't realized how wound up I've been – the sudden tension release aches through the muscles of my entire body. I'm trying to remember how long it's been since I've experienced this ease, the liquid-flow of lungs and limbs no longer rigid – maybe the night I fell asleep on the couch with her feet in my lap and a promise of knowing my daughter dancing in my ears - but my mind is muddled with the smell of Elena's shampoo, how her hair is silky and satin-like beneath my hands, and the sound of her soft breathing.

My moment of reverie is ended by the sound of Elena's cell phone. Still, she doesn't move for a long moment, holding onto my shoulders a bit tighter now that the end of this moment is in sight. I feel her lips press against my neck and know our embrace is over, releasing her from my arms.

Reading the text, then saying in a heavy sigh, "It's Bonnie. She's ready to go…" Elena gives me an expression that makes me feel like she's asking me what she should do.

To tell you the truth, I'm torn. I don't want her to go, but at the same time I could use a moment to myself as I'm feeling raw, peeled and exposed – fully aware that the only thing that can hurt me is the girl standing in front of me, with her endless eyes and hard to read, even harder to trust, emotions. I shrug my shoulders, shoving my hands deep into the pockets of my jeans, "Go. It's fine. We can talk more tomorrow, before my flight."

Elena slumps a bit, it's a barely-there movement, but I notice each and every detail of her, always. Pressing her mouth into a straight line, she furrows her brow at me and sighs deeply before asking, "And if I said I don't want you to go, would you stay?"

I respond without pause "Yes." I don't have to consider it, the answer is automatic, but I could have at least hesitated… Elena is the only thing in this world that makes me so weak. I've learned to resist my true nature, the constant scorching burn in my throat and chest… but not Elena. I guess the first step would be for me to want to resist her and I don't. We've had our share of rough times, of terribly painful moments, but the good ones are astonishing, remarkable even - they well outweigh the bad. There is no amount of pain that could force me to give up on us… ever.

We stand there like that for a bit – me wondering just how much slack I'm going to catch from Damon when I tell him I'm not going to Amsterdam and Elena looking at me like she's deep in thought – eyebrows knitted together as she looks at me. You have no idea how surprised I am when she nods to herself, coming to a conclusion I guess, then says "Well, okay. I guess I'll go get changed, then take Bonnie back to the hotel. But we'll talk before you leave, right?"

This is new.

I can't help my silent reaction of frowning at her like she's a puzzle I can't piece together, my head cocking to the side a bit as if to try looking at her from a different angle.

Though it's been the general consensus from my brother, Klaus, probably Matt & Jeremy even, I've never considered my taking Elena's wants and desires before my own as being controlled, or felt as though she was directing me in the least. I've lived and experienced and haven't had to answer to anyone for over a hundred and sixty years – I give myself to her in every way because I want to. But as I watch her crossing the living room, headed for Caroline's bedroom, I can't stop the smile from taking over my face when I realize that though she's aware of my usual practice of letting her decision be _the_ decision, she's not stopping me from doing something she doesn't want me to do. Elena knows she has the control in our relationship when it comes to these types of things, yet she's not using it…

Elena gives a quick look over her shoulder before entering the master bedroom, catching me smiling at her, and scrunches up her face in a silly expression to tell me she's not having an easy-go at letting me do what I feel I need to – hunt the Originals, going to Amsterdam.

That little wrinkle on the bridge of her nose… she's adorable. I love her.

I love her and even though I know what I'm getting into by allowing myself to continue with this one-sided relationship of ours, I'm still going to do it. Of course I am, there was never a doubt.

My mood takes yet another turn, heading south again as I realize that the end is inevitable – one day Elena will actually fall in love with someone; a co-worker, someone she knew at college, and she'll realize that what she feels for me is subpar, infatuation maybe. I'll have a front row seat to my demise as I watch a human man take the place in her heart that I once held. It'll kill me, but I don't care, I can't fight it – nor do I want to.

I've died for her before, I will do it again. Over and over.

ELENA's POV

Stefan's grass green eyes are a clear and open window into how he's feeling. It's been that way for as long as I can recall… I can still see his doubt. I can't blame him – he and I should have had this conversation the moment I knew I loved him. My hesitation and my ridiculous attempts at trying to decide what's best for the both of us has led him to doubt me and I will do whatever it takes to gain his trust. I'm replaying Robert's speech in the back of my mind, hearing him call Stefan and I immature and knowing that he's absolutely right, about me, at least.

I haven't been gone long – quickly slipping on a pair of jeans and a tank top - and I find Stefan standing in the same spot as I'd left him to change clothes and get my bag. The only difference I see is that he's really eyeing the bags of blood on the counter before cutting his gaze to me when I enter the living room.

Those eyes… he's feeling guilty for even _considering_ drinking them.

Sitting my canvas messenger bag in the barstool next to him, I take the three plastic bags filled with cold, scarlet, human blood and don't even look his way as I move behind him and toss them back into the fridge.

I will not lose Stefan to a bag of blood.

Taking a deep, cleansing breath, I pivot in place to find Stefan is now facing me with a concerned, almost remorseful expression on his beautiful Roman face. "You are by far the strongest man that I've ever known. You're not afraid of anything. It amazes me, how selfless you are, how _good_ you are...and I don't think you need that," Stefan doesn't always have to be the one to carry the weight – to be the caretaker. I stand taller, try to appear more confident when I say, "but if you feel like you _have_ to drink human blood, like you cannot resist any longer - then I want you to drink from me."

"What? No." He shakes his head as if he's trying to remove the thought from his mind, running his hand roughly across his furrowed forehead. I know that he's trying to look appalled by the thought, but I found a letter from him that said he was drinking Lindsey's blood and read in my journals that I let him feed from me in Naples. Not just a few drops sucked from a pinprick on my finger, but really drink me in – _intimate, loving, and romantic_ – that's how I described having my blood running through Stefan's body. I know he must have felt the same way as pre-compulsion Elena.

I take his hands just before he crosses his arms – an attempt to close himself off to the idea. "I'm serious. If you ever feel like you can't do it any longer… I want you to tell me. I love you and I'll do everything I can to help you through your cravings, but if all else fails and you can't keep from it, then it should be my blood you drink." Stefan's lips part and I know he's going to reject the idea, so I add. "Whatever it is you need… I'll be that for you. I love you."

His soft, barely-there smile melts me, but I can still see the doubt despite the way his eyes have turned from upset and confused to a more affectionate gaze. I have to kiss him, kiss that smile, and though I'm feeling a little bit of fear that he's going to turn away from me, I attempt it anyway. It's my turn to be on the giving end.

Stefan doesn't turn – he lets my lips touch his – softly pressing his lips against mine, gently pulling on my bottom lip when pull back, unable to open my eyes and my knees threatening to fail me. I can't explain how a simple, quick kiss can zap me like this. Opening my eyes, I find him looking down at me with that boyish grin, I don't want to go get Bonnie… I could care less about Bonnie right now.

He slips his hands down my hair, cupping my face in a bonnet of dark strands, then kisses my forehead. "We'll talk tomorrow."

I nod – he's right, I need to get Bonnie no matter how badly I want to stay…

I've slipped my bag over my head, adjusting the strap across my chest and nearly to the door to leave when I realize Stefan hasn't said it back – I've probably told him I loved him ten times in this very short time that we've spent together, and not once has he said it back.

"Stefan?" I stop, pivoting in place, no more than a foot from the exit. Leaning against the edge of a barstool, his legs crossed at the ankle, Stefan turns his eyes from the granite counter top, looking at me now with slightly raised eyebrows, waiting for me to continue. Even from this distance the grass green of his eyes is bright and mesmerizing, it takes a moment for me to find my voice, lost in his jade gaze and I've forgot what I was going to say... so I wing it. Whatever comes out will have to work. "I love you. I love you and it's okay that you aren't sure, that you're doubtful… I just want you to know that it's not going to change anything, okay? You don't have to believe me now..." I cannot stop my smile; something about the words forming in my mouth makes my heart swell with emotion for my beautiful Stefan Salvatore, "…I'll wait."

CAROLINE's POV

The instant I see her, I know my plan must have worked!

She's beaming! Literally glowing when she comes from the elevator. Bonnie and I share a quick, knowing look before moving to meet Elena. I'd filled her in with what little I knew, Elena and Stefan had some kind of a falling out but I sent them to my apartment for privacy… and Damon is raging about it. She may like to act like she feels burdened by being a witch, but I saw a flare of excitement in Bonnie's hazel eyes when she thought about going up against Damon… she'd win. That witchy, brain splitting thing she does – I haven't felt it personally, but I've seen other vampires fall to the floor from just the raising of Bonnie's petite hand.

I'm surprised when Bonnie smiles brightly at Elena and asks like she's hoping things went well, "So…?" She hasn't said anything to make me think she wants Elena's plan to fail, but it wasn't but a few months ago that she and Jeremy tried to kill the vampire that Elena is desperately in love with for the second time, despite their best efforts at ruining Stefan in her eyes.

Trying to hide her excitement, Elena uses her fingers to slip her hair behind her ears and looks away when she says through a smile, "I think we're going to be okay."

I notice that Bonnie has taken Elena's hand.

My mouth is already moving, I'm just about to say that I'm happy for her and happy for him and thrilled that Stefan and Elena have worked through the mess that I made for them by making that deal with Elijah, when Bonnie cuts in – Pulling Elena into a hug. I can hear the tears in her voice even though I can't see her face. "I'm so sorry, Elena. You have no idea how terrible Jeremy and I feel for all that we've done."

It's just like high school when I move in and put one arm around each of them; feel them hugging me back – just like when Elena's parents died but on the opposite end of the spectrum – "You two, you're going to make me cry!" Elena laughs, her head on my shoulder.

Things are right… how they should be.

Bonnie and Jeremy, Elena and Stefan… I don't want to be sad.

I don't want to think about myself right now, but as pleased as I am to have my best friends back in my life and to know that they're happy and in love, I can't stop the hushed, dreary ache in my chest. It's been easy to lose track of time this last month; planning my party and delving into the details in a way to keep myself from thinking about him, about the terrible anniversary of ours that has been hiding inside of me since the stroke of midnight.

I can't stop my mind from seeing those blue eyes, like a sun-bleached, cloudless sky…

DAMON's POV

I'm nearly back to my truck when my phone buzzes in my pocket. I'm reeling with that just fed, full as a tick feeling from nearly draining a couple of sexy-fairies I found in the parking garage of TheW and wait until I get locked into the driver's seat before I answer. Once I feed, I can go on for hours… Stefan's not unique in his never-ending thirst. It's a trait all of our kind has – the difference is Stefan _can't_ stop. No control.

My mind is guessing at what his message is going to say as I pull my phone out – _I'm staying with Elena. Cancel my flight. I love her. I'm a wimp. I have no control._

You can imagine my surprise when I read;  
Stefan: I'm staying at Caroline's tonight. Will hunt in the AM, then we can head out to the airport.

It's the new blood in me that makes me aggressive – or at least that's my excuse for my shitty response. Even with the beat-down way he looked fresh in my mind, I know he's a puppet in Elena's hands and what's worse, he enjoys it.

I'm not much for texting – more than half of my attitude is carried through tone – so I call him up and the moment he answers, all forlorn and sad, I say "What's the matter? Doppelganger getting more and more like Katherine every day?"

Stefan gives a quiet, repressed sigh – no other response.

"You're just a fun toy to keep in reach, you know that right?" I have to slam on the brakes of my truck when I nearly pull out in front of a delivery van. I'd tasted the vodka and Red Bull mixed in with the blood I took from those misplaced party-goers, but until now I hadn't realized just how buzzed I am.

I miss some of what he's saying, distracted by my revelation and trying to figure out my blood-alcohol content as I pull onto the street, "…eve. It doesn't matter I guess. Still, I wish you could remember."

A loud sigh comes from my mouth without me even trying to sound irritated - We've had nearly this exact conversation fifty times over in the last three months. _What did you say to her when you compelled her? Are you sure you can't remember? It's hard to believe that you were so drunk that you can't remember compelling someone… please, think Damon._

I can't fucking remember, Stefan.

"I thought you were dead." You'd think that would set the scene for him, but I've told him this over and over… he doesn't get it because he's never had to experience losing a brother. Lucky me, I've gone through it twice now. "Change'er and we'll just ask Elena what I said." It's a joke, but really it's the best option. It makes the most sense. And let's face it, Stefan getting back on the Elena-train may very well lead me to a third-time.

Just as I delivered my usual lines, Stefan repeats himself for the umpteenth time as well, "Not even an option, Damon."

"Tell you what, it'll be my gift to you." I can almost hear Stefan's face scrunch up the way it does, low brow and snarled lip – my bratty little brother. "Here's a little blood, quick snap of the neck, then Merry Christmas, brother, I got you an Eternal Elena Doll!"

I'm half laughing when he hangs up.

You know he's thought about doing it… hypocritical bastard.

CAROLINE's POV

I'm surprised when I open the door and spot Elena.

Not surprised that it's Elena standing outside of my apartment door at three AM; I got her text a few minutes ago to ask if it was okay if she came up to see Stefan, so while I waited to hear her walking down the hall I finished off a cool bag of O+. So yea, I knew it was going to be Elena. What surprises me is the way she looks.

Elena Gilbert, no make-up, her long hair in a low side-pony tail, wearing a pair of white pajama shorts and dark blue tank top, is as always perfectly beautiful. I'm surprised, though, by the faint change in her face – from girl, to woman – that I hadn't noticed before. Without a drop of foundation, her skin is still flawless to the human eye, but I can spot what will be creases in another fifteen years forming around her eyes and on the forehead that she oh-so frequently furrows.

I'm surprised.

And I'm jealous.

After I left the very successful party to disintegrate on its own as the night began to wind down, I came home to find Stefan asleep – I can still hear the rhythmic breathing coming from the extra bedroom – and in an effort not to wake him, I smile and wave her in without saying a word. Elena gives me a shy glance, then looks to the floor as she moves past me. Ah, the pre-sex walk of shame… I used to know it well. Still, how shameful can it be to fly 800 miles to reconcile with your epic love? When she looks back up at me I'm rolling my eyes – I've got a short temper tonight… with Klaus on my mind and a good bit of wine in my stomach.

Elena doesn't appear to be offended, thankfully. I don't know if she has any idea why I'm feeling so edgy all of a sudden, but she doesn't seem bothered. Instead she just gives an _I can't help myself _smile and heads into his room. I know that feeling. …Klaus.

Other than the sound of me refilling my wine glass – nothing classier than tapping a box of wine all alone in the middle of the night – my apartment is silent. Try as I might not to listen, I'm catching the sounds of Elena putting her bag down and tip-toeing to Stefan's bed. That poor girl and her heartbeat giving away her excitement, if she doesn't quiet that thing down Stefan's going to wake up and her meager attempt at sneaking into bed with him will have been for naught.

She almost makes it, though… from what I can tell from the squeak of the mattress and the rustling of cotton against cotton, Elena is partially under the covers when Stefan sighs in a very sleepy, coarse voice, "I'm glad you came back."

From dead-sleep that's his response the moment he sees her. It's no wonder that even compulsion can't shake Elena's feelings for him. Stefan and his perfect responses… ugh.

The moment I hear that breathy, back-of-the-throat moan come from Elena I begin to gulp at my wine and move quickly towards my room in an attempt to drown out the sounds of the modern day Romeo & Juliet in my extra bedroom with a lot of alcohol and a bit of distance. Catching sight of Stefan's phone on the sofa table, I decide that a little background music will help to shut them out as well and nearly trip over my own feet trying to get it into the dock.

Nothing worse than super-vampire hearing when you are heartbroken and there is a sure-to-be legendary love story going down in the next room.

ELENA's POV

I've just got comfortable, my head laying on Stefan's arm and his fingers kneading in my hair – the loving movement getting slower as he quickly falls back to sleep - when I hear an acoustic guitar. I have vined myself against his body, our legs are intertwined, inhaling that clean Stefan scent of bodywash and warmth that my neurons have missed so very much. His face is turned towards me and his smooth lips resting against my forehead while I listen to James Morrison's raspy voice singing about my Stefan. I've read my journals over and over, I can practically quote them:

_I can't listen to Better Man by James Morrison without feeling Stefan's arms around me and tasting his kisses. What's worse, I listen to it and dream of him and replay that night in Naples even with Damon laying right next to me! It's like a secret piece of Stefan that I can take out and hold in my minds eye anywhere and anytime that I want; I can examine it and be with him in my memories without anyone knowing what's causing my focus to fade out and my eyes to glisten with tears. Just once more I wish I could see his smile, find his eyes on me from across the room, feel that pull… I'd give anything._

"Are you okay?" The grazing of his lips against my forehead sends a shiver through me. Trying to play it off, I just nod, yes.

Without realizing it, my body has tensed a bit as I silently recited my journal entry and listened to the lyrics coming through the wall. I can't remember Naples, but I wrote in such detail about how Stefan played this song and how we danced, how he made me feel, I fell in love with him all over again.

Inhaling deeply, I hug myself closer to Stefan as I let the breath out slowly through pressed lips – something about that memory, or lack of I guess, makes me feel guilty. The running theme through my journals is that I was fully aware of my love for Stefan, only Stefan, but afraid to commit. All the while, he was drowning in guilt for _pushing_ me into Damon's arms… maybe it's the six years that have passed that is giving me such a clear view point on the things that happened between Stefan and I back then, but I can't help but believe that though Stefan's slip into darkness during and right after Klaus' compulsion did cause us to drift apart a bit, it was my _confusion _and inability to dedicate myself as I had once been that led us to the summer before Naples... to my regretful weekend with Damon in Spain.

That night in his room when Stefan told me he was through with trying to take down Klaus, when he said that he loved me - I should I have just said it back, threw my arms around him and we could have spent that night making up for the time we'd lost while he was away. Instead, I went to Denver? With Damon! Instead I sent Stefan right back on his path of taking down Klaus. The Temple sacrifice, him getting stabbed in Rome – even Damon compelling me – it's all because of me.

What a stupid little girl I was.

Words come from my mouth without my mind ever considering them, "How many times are you going to let me do this?" Stefan's hand begins to move in my hair again, I've woke him. "How many times are you going to let me hurt you and then beg you to take me back?"

Pressing his lips against my head, he doesn't respond immediately – I love how he does this, waits to make sure I'm finished, "That's not entirely how it happened, Elena."

It bothers me a bit that he's trying to make me feel better by taking on some of the blame. I scoot back in his arms, my head against the bend of his elbow so I can look at his face – Stefan's eyes are still closed, he's beautiful. "Isn't it? All of this could have been avoided if I would have answered you're question honestly." _Look me in the eyes and tell me you don't feel something for him. _ Those evergreen eyes open slowly, instantly I spot the sadness in his gaze as he remembers that night while I have only read about it, "I should have said no! I should have said that I loved you. Only you, Stefan." Touching his lips with my fingertips, he kisses them softly like an instant reaction. My heart swells in my chest while the guilt inside of me strengthens. "Then Spain. I can't understand why I let myself justify being with Damon while you were in Naples. I –" my voice catches in my throat when I think of how he must have hurt when he realized I had been wearing an engagement ring when he found me in Miami. "…then to agree to marry him…"

Stefan turns on his side to face me, brushes my hair back from my neck, "Elena, you-"

I know what he's going to say, that I don't have to apologize for all of these things, but I interrupt him as I'm not done - I have even more occasions in which I've hurt my soul mate! It's no wonder he's doubtful of my new found clarity… "I'm serious, Stefan. I've hurt you so many times, especially in the last few months! Why do you keep letting me come back? How many times are you going to let me hurt you, let me pull away and then come back?"

I'm not crying, but I can feel my throat tightening – I don't deserve him. All this time Stefan has believed he needed to be better… how wrong he is.

"Listen to me, you shouldn't worry about all of those things – everything that happened back then, or even last month…" His eyes are so green. "It doesn't matter. I'm not going to ever let us go. You could change your mind every day, Elena, and it wouldn't matter because I'm going to love you until." This must be what being compelled feels like – completely open, completely willing, complete. "You own me, Elena. I'm yours forever and there is nothing you can do and nothing that can be done to me that will change that."

He's mine. I've never been more sure of anything in my entire life – Stefan Salvatore is mine and I am his. I know he won't say it back, not yet, but I can't keep the words inside of me, "I love you."

Stefan replies with a kiss. It's a beautiful, deep kiss that transmits our frequency and our love through my entire body – soft and slow and serene. When he pulls away, hesitating for a moment with his eyes on my parted, yearning lips, he rolls to his back and my stilled-mind is brought back to reality. The doubt and the guilt he's feeling for his reservation, they're evident on his face. Telling him that I love him again will probably make it worse, furrow his brow even deeper; instead, I hug myself to his body and hope that he can feel the warm quality of our gravity vibing between us, a tangible characteristic of the unique connection we share.

A few moments pass – neither of us move. Honestly, I figured he'd fallen asleep while I stared at my fingers resting on the curve of his ribs and paying extra attention to the U2 song playing in a way to clear my head. I'm surprised by his voice and look up at him when he speaks, "I'm not innocent either, Elena. There are so many things I would change about the way I have treated you in the past, in the last few hours even…" I still don't quite understand why he felt so bad about our angry sex session – I loved it, every minute of it until he walked out of the door. When Stefan looks down at me, I press the smile that has formed from recalling the memory into straight lips, knit my eyebrows together. "I know this isn't how you saw this going. You flying down to Dallas and telling me you love me and I shut down on you. That can't be how you expected tonight to go."

Jumping on a plane at the last minute and confessing my love to the man that I know is my 'one' is not something I have much context for, so I have to blame the images that ran through my mind while traveling from Wilmington on all of the romantic movies I've watched and novels I've read in my life. Sighing and laying my head back down on his chest, I can't help but laugh at myself a bit – remembering how I'd imagined it going, "I don't know what I expected really… I kept picturing me telling you that I loved you and you smiling at me like you do, then kissing me and lifting me into the air." I feel kind of ridiculous, adding in a somewhat embarrassed laugh, "maybe there could have been fireworks, or we might have been standing in the rain… and you were probably in a suit."

I love his laugh, it's deeper when I hear it coming directly into my ear from his body.

Stefan teases, rubbing my shoulder, "And a marching band?"

I give his stomach a playful swat, but manage to keep quiet, holding in my thoughts… _no marching band, but violins would have been nice._

STEFAN's POV

It took me a long time to convince myself to get out of bed this morning. Life would be so much easier if Elena and I could just stay in bed, if I could just hold her forever. The windows were nearly bursting with sunlight by the time I finally pulled myself away from her and back to reality. You have no idea how easy it is to believe that she loves me when we're wrapped in one another – secluded from the truth by cotton sheets and the dark of night and our gravity.

I told myself that I needed to hunt – whether I go through with leaving her, leaving for Amsterdam or not, I still needed to feed. So I got dressed and ran the nine mile trail around White Rock Lake and I'm feeling better, tired and very full from my hunt now that I'm back. Nothing has changed from when I left a couple hours ago – to my far right Elena is still asleep and on the opposite end of the apartment Caroline is still crying.

The forth Saturday of November – the only day that I ever feel even slightly wrong for what I did to Klaus. Not because of the past I had with him, or the fact that by the end of that weekend in Naples I'd actually grown a bit of fondness for him once again, but for Caroline. Never in my wildest dreams did I think she would have fallen for him or I never would have propositioned her back then.

_Are you sure? He's not going to be easy to fool, Caroline… I don't want you to put yourself in any danger. I can find another way if you're not comfortable helping me._

_No Stefan, I need to do this for Tyler. Taking down Klaus is the only way to free him from his sire bond. I can do it. _

Little did she know, five years later, Tyler would be running a pack of werewolves in Washington and it would be Caroline who couldn't break away from Klaus.

"Go away, Stefan." I can hear the tears in her voice even through the closed door. Knocking was just an attempt at being polite – she doesn't seem surprised when I ignore her and open the door anyway.

She doesn't look at me – sitting on the edge of her bed, her feet resting on the wooden frame, and hugging her knees with her head down. I take a deep breath to say something, anything… but I have no words. A quick inventory of her room and I find the watch he gave her with the Hamlet quote engraved on the back, a few pictures of them from when they traveled together over the summer after she graduated from Mystic Falls High, and some kind of drawing sitting near one of his signature cream-colored shirts. Every year it's the same… I had my 'annual' trips to see Elena and Allie, and this is Caroline's yearly visit with Klaus.

I push back the covers of her unmade bed, sit her pillow back at the head of the bed and take a seat next to her – my weight isn't completely on the mattress before she falls into me, her head in my lap, face hidden by tangled blond hair. There's nothing I can say. I killed him. She let him die for me. I'm not sorry for what I did, but I'm afflicted deep inside of my body by the pain she's in.

When her crying starts to pick up, her body starting to shudder, I lift her up holding her shoulders – purposely do not look at her as I don't know if I can stand the sight of my best friend in such sorrow and because I know she'd be embarrassed –I pull her to me, holding her face against my chest as she cries for Klaus and I pray that he never comes back.

XXXXXXXX

I leave Caroline to get cleaned up and changed for work and find Elena and Bonnie staring at me from the couch with large, shocked eyes. It takes me a long second to realize what that must look like – me leaving Caroline's room all the while Elena thought I was running. I stop in my steps, open my mouth to explain, but Elena smiles at me and speaks before I can start my explanation.

"How was your run?" Not jealous, seemingly un-suspicious Elena asks me. Again, that's new… new for compelled Elena at least. Inspecting her face, trying to see if she's putting on, I move to Bonnie's hazel stare when I can't find a flaw in Elena's expression – it's even more shocking to see Bonnie's gaze is soft, not full of contempt like I've grown so used to seeing.

"Um, fine." I clear my throat. "Good morning, Bonnie."

She responds with a quiet "Hey." and a friendly smile. If it weren't for the fact that my shirt is still damp from Caroline crying I would have to wonder if I've somehow entered a time warp and stepped back into my life when Elena was seventeen and Bonnie didn't have a hundred reasons to hate me.

I must spend too long of a time looking at them and trying to map out how I've got back to this kind of exchange with Bonnie and the relationship forming with Elena, because Elena starts talking to Bonnie again – leaving me to stare at them sitting on the couch and looking through a visitors newspaper for Dallas. They're talking about the music festival that Caroline is supposed to cover, discussing which bands they want to see – I'm still in awe of the odd comfort that I find in knowing that Bonnie doesn't seem to hate me when my phone rings from the counter top. Elena gives me a quick, sweet smile then turns back to Bonnie and the magazine as I retrieve my phone.

"Hey." It's Damon. I have to decide now. Amsterdam or no?

"We need to leave by one if we're going." Am I going? Am I leaving Elena to finish the Originals? Am I going to take the chance that when I get back she may have changed her mind and this alternate reality that I find myself in has come to an end? Elena looks up at me as Bonnie talks about a British singer that she wants to see, and yet again, I swear to God I see love in her eyes… the way her lips curve into that soft smile, a slight blush to her cheeks, the brightness in the deepest, darkest brown eyes that I've loved for so long… if that's not love in her eyes, I don't know what it could be. My chest expands with pride that she is mine, a smile comes to my face as I take in her delicate beauty – "I don't know what's going on, brother – but Elena -can't- love you back. Do us both a favor and don't let yourself get caught up in it again, Stefan." And the weight of the truth is crushing.

I look away from Elena, find a flawed spot on the dark hardwood floor to stare at as I try to push Damon's words away from my mind – I much preferred pretending, living the lie, to the way the truth steals the air from my lungs and wrenches itself into the muscles of my neck and chest. "I'll be ready."

ELENA's POV

I've turned a new leaf. That's my new motto. Every time I say it in my head, every time I remind myself that it's my motto my lips press together tighter.

I made it through Stefan spending nearly an hour in Caroline's room while she cried. I have my theories as to why she was so upset – they all pretty much go back to the fact that she thinks she's lost Stefan… I'd cry too.

The teeth grinding started when Damon showed up – he's very handsy with Caroline and I don't like it. Not because I want him to pay attention to me, but because my last real memory of Damon is that he compelled and fed off of her for weeks… he disgusts me. From the way he keeps looking at me, all smug and superior, I get the feeling that he doesn't care too much for me either.

With Caroline working on her hair and Stefan packing – _I've turned a new leaf, that is my motto_ – Damon is sprawled out on the zebra print chaise lounger with his hands behind his head and a pleased smile on his face. I want to smack him… I don't know why, but I really want to smack him. Thankfully, I've had Bonnie to keep my attention as we planned out our day – she checked us out of the hotel and we're going to stay with Caroline tonight, after lunch she and I are going to the Galleria to shop while Caroline does her pre-show thing, then we're meeting up this afternoon at Fair Park to watch her in action and catch some of the bands – I know my usually weak will-power is about to get a huge test when Bonnie's phone rings and she says "It's Jeremy!" Then heads down the hall to the empty third bedroom to take the call.

Even though Bonnie and I have gone through the set list for the music festival ten times now, I pick up the magazine and pretend to read through it again –anything to keep me from slapping Stefan's brother. Out of the corner of my eye I see him glance over at me and his smile widen.

_A new leaf._

My eyes are on the newspaper but everything on the paper is a blur as I try to watch Damon in my peripheral vision. He takes out his cell phone, swipes and taps for a bit. My focus is on the phone when suddenly, he turns his head towards me, looks directly at me, startling me and I jump just as Stefan drops his bag on the floor next to the kitchen counter. I'm hoping that Damon might believe I jumped from the sound of the bag hitting the floor and not from being caught watching him, but I'm not sure because he's still grinning and Stefan gives him a very stern look – almost a warning.

"Brother." Damon says through his smile as a greeting.

Something about his tone and Stefan's blazing glare makes me feel like I've missed something… like I'm not in on the not-funny inside joke.

I'm about to ask – what? – when Caroline saunters into the room and Damon and Stefan's heads turn quickly in her direction. When I follow their gaze, I once again repeat my motto – I've turned over a new leaf. Caroline looks like a celebrity in her dark, fitted True Religion jeans, jade-colored satin blouse clinging to her body, and her lace-covered Louboutin red-soled heels. I'm still in my pajamas and Caroline fell off a page of a magazine…

I feel Stefan's eyes on me – I know it sounds silly, feeling someone looking at you, but it's true. I ignore the weight of his gaze for a long moment as I pretend to listen to Caroline talk about what her day is going to be like. She strides around the room like a runway model, gathering her phone and laptop, then heading to the kitchen – just about the time I've decided that I'm a frumpy, single mother, aging at the speed of sound, I give up on ignoring Stefan and turn to face him just as his hand comes to my chin.

I take a sharp inhale – a gasp even. I'm not scared, just shocked to find him standing so close, reaching out to me, caught up in his burning eyes as he bends at the waist and tilts my face up. My lips sting from the friction of his kiss, his tongue slipping between my lips to meet mine. I swear he's made up of some kind of supernatural voltage as I'm electrified from the way his lips slip against mine – I don't register Damon's disgusted sigh or Caroline's happy squeal until much much later… I'm lost in the taste of his kiss and the bump and glide rhythm that we find so easily – our lips moving together, equal greed and pressure - like we've kissed just like this a thousand times even though it feels like the first time I've ever tasted him.

I feel Stefan start to pull away, but he changes his mind and presses harder against me, leaning into me and I have to lay my head back against the couch cushion – I feel his hands rest on either side of my head as mine find his waist and slip just beneath his shirt. It goes on for a bit longer even with Bonnie coming back into the room and laughing at our display of affection. Finally satisfied, he pulls back just enough to look down at me with that champion smile on his face. I know I'm blushing - I can feel my face is heated from the flushing of blood – but it's not because everyone just witnessed our passionate kiss, but because in the moment, I'd forgotten they were around at all and gave a quiet _mmmm_ into Stefan's mouth and now I'm breathless and burning for him.

With a quick kiss on my still buzzing lips, Stefan runs his hand down my hair, cups my face and whispers against my ear,"You're the most beautiful woman I have _ever_ seen. I'm yours."

DAMON's POV

Well, if I was at all confused about my brother's current status of mental stability, that kiss on the couch and the way their cuddling together in the corner of the booth pretty much sums it up for me – he's lost his mind. I can't say I would have done any better if it had been Katherine and me in this situation, but someone has got to try and get him to stay the course… I can't even look at them, whispering and gigging like they're in high school.

"Elena!" Bonnie says her name loudly as the waiter has asked her for her empty plate three times but she's been too busy making googlie eyes at Stefan to notice.

I have to give it to her. She seems like the Elena of old… happy and laughing, making Stefan happy and getting him to laugh, but even as Caroline and Bonnie pretend that things are as they once were, I know that they've got to be thinking in the back of their minds that this won't last.

"What's wrong with you?" Caroline asks, nudging me with her elbow as she sips her Dr. Pepper. I don't answer with words, instead I shoot a look down to the lovebirds. Bonnie sighs like I've just insulted her so I give her an equally as disgusted look across the table.

"You can't be buying this too…" I say it loud enough that Elena can hear. "Stefan, now I get him wanting to act like she's normal, but you? Come on Bonnie…" Keeping my eyes on Bonnie's frowny little face, I ignore Stefan's glare from the end of the table.

"Shut up, Damon." Caroline sighs, popping a piece of bread into her mouth. Bonnie just crosses her arms and gives me a smug snarl of her mouth.

"No, wait. I know it's protocol to make me out to be the bad guy of our little team, but lets get real… she's been compelled, she's basically brain damaged."

"Damon." Stefan's voice almost stops me as I can tell his saying my name is a warning and isn't a bluff, but it's got to be said.

"And why is that?" Bonnie asks, flaring her eyes at me. "Who's responsible for a sub-par job at compelling her?"

"ME?" I raise my hands into the air – she's right, but it's not like I drove over to Elena's house uninvited to compel her. "If I remember correctly, and I do – it was your twerpy little boyfriend that asked me to do it."

"Husband. Jeremy is my husband, Damon. And how was he to know that he should have given you a script to read… you were supposed to know what you were doing!"

"You asked me to make her forget Stefan, I did it. Done. You and the Mystery Incorporated gang should take all the credit for fucking her up, not me." I hope they get the Scooby Doo reference – sometimes I forget that Stefan and I were the only ones alive in the 80's.

"That's enough, Damon." Stefan moves away from Elena a bit like he may come down here and for a long moment he and I are stuck staring at one another, reading each other's faces and trying to decipher if either of us is going to move this into an actual fight, when Bonnie interrupts.

"The only innocent people involved in this whole deal are Elena and Stefan. The rest of us are all guilty in one way or another… but you're problem, Damon," I break my stare with Stefan to look at Bonnie as she delivers her witchy-wisdom, "you're a good guy that was raised to believe he was the villain." I register her words at the same time that my mind replays Katherine saying nearly the exact same thing to me outside the stables of my fathers home. "I get what you're saying even if you are using a really vile way of telling us that you're worried that Stefan is going to get hurt. I get it – I've been exactly where you are! You've been hurt and you know what it's like to think you've lost everything… but it's not up to you. Leave it alone. Let them be…"

She looks down the table to Elena and Stefan like _look how great I am, I took up for you_ – even if she is right about my point of view, it doesn't change the facts.

Elena can't love him.

But whatever, I'm done.

I check my phone, slipping it into the pocket of my jacket as I stand and turn to my brother – "Coming?"

STEFAN's POV

Despite the most recent portrayals of vampires, I cannot read minds. Over the years, I've got pretty good at reading body-language, learning the quick changes in heart rate and breathing patterns, but out-right reading the thoughts of others – it's not possible, not for vampires, atleast.

But I've been looking at Damon's face since I opened my eyes one hundred and seventy two years ago. I know his face. There's not an expression that I haven't seen or an emotion that I haven't witnessed him experience. So when he stands up and checks his phone, then turns to me with that loaded, one word question I'm not lost as to what he's asking.

Who am I choosing?

Elena, Caroline, Bonnie – they don't know him like I do. They don't see it – the very slight squint of his eyes, the upturned brow. To anyone else, Damon looks pissed off – aggravated and flat-faced, emotionless – but to me, his brother, I see the strange fear in his cold blue eyes and I catch the sadness in the minuscule turning down of his mouth.

Damon is as lonely and scared to be alone as the rest of us.

Inhaling deeply, I make a quick run down of my options;

I can stay. I can tell Damon I'm not going and spend the weekend with Elena and hope that by the time her flight leaves tomorrow morning she still wants to be with me. We haven't discussed where she wants this to go… I don't know what kind of next step she's looking for. But if I stay, Damon will go to Amsterdam alone. I can't let him face an Original on his own.

I could go. Damon and I have finally found a relationship that works for us – it's not quite the way it was in 1864, before Katherine, before we turned, but it's as close as it's ever going to be. And we've got a good lead on Rebekah… killing her will make the world a safer place for Allie and Elena. She's looking up at me, her hand still on my leg, but I can hear her heartbeat pounding hard and fast – I know she doesn't want me to go. But she's got Bonnie, and Caroline, who could use a girls night to get her through this day.

Moving my arm from around Elena's shoulders, I take her hand from my leg, raising it to my lips and kiss her fingers. "I'll be back in a few weeks."

I hear her heart skip – it actually skips – so I press my lips against her fingers again.

She and I walk to the parking garage in silence, she's holding my hand tightly and watching the pavement in front of her feet.

As I expected, Damon is in a better mood now that he knows I'm still with him even when I'm with Elena. I'm trying to be nonchalant about leaving, like it's not a big deal that Damon and I are going to attempt to kill an Original… it's a one shot, can't fail type of ordeal, but Elena doesn't need to be worried and I know that if I think about leaving her I may change my mind.

By the time we make it to Damon's pick-up, Elena's grasp on my hand is a tight grip and Damon and Bonnie are talking again – about nothing really, but at least the silent treatment is over. Bonnie mentioned needing to get Jeremy a couple of souvenirs and Damon suggested she come to the airport with us – then drive his truck back. It sounds like he's being thoughtful, but in reality he doesn't want to have to pay for parking and it's impossible to compel one of those long-term parking ticket machines.

Now that we're to the truck, it's awkward –the looming goodbye. He and I catch eyes for a second and he immediately understands my request, moving to get into the driver's side seat so I can tell her goodbye. I wait until I hear the door shut and the engine start, then uncurl my fingers from Elena's hand so I can hug Caroline.

"Be careful." She whispers, squeezing me as tightly as I'm squeezing her. I don't want to think about what it would do to her if I don't come back… we're all each other has. Pulling away, I hold her shoulders - give my most confident smile and nod. I look at her longer than necessary, trying to prolong telling Elena goodbye…. It's inevitable.

My heart sinks the instant I find her, arms crossed over her chest and those dark eyes glittering with pooled tears. "Elena, it's okay." I smile, wrap her in my arms as she fists her hands into the sides of my shirt. "Don't cry. I'll come back; it's just a few weeks."

She nods a few times, sniffles, then takes my face in her hands and kisses my mouth quickly. "Stefan, please…" She sighs, my forehead against hers and my hands aching with the thought of leaving her body. I wait for her to finish, to tell me what she's asking me for – instead she kisses me again, softer, longer this time, like she's trying to imprint our kiss into her mind. Quickly slipping her arms around my neck, Elena hugs me tightly, whispers I love you against my shoulder, then steps away – wiping her face with her hands before slipping them into the back pockets of her jeans.

She's letting me do this…

I bite my lip hard, squeeze my forehead with my hand as I try to force myself to get in the truck –I have to go.

"We can say bye at the airport." Bonnie opens the passenger door, "I've got shotgun."

The airport isn't more than half an hour away, even with the traffic like this, but I feel like we're crawling… I don't want to leave Elena. Whether she loves me or not, I love her. My mind and my heart are warring with one another – on opposite sides than their usual posts. My mind is trying to rationalize how it's okay that Elena doesn't love me, that it'll be okay when she finds someone else, that I'll probably be happy for her. That's true, somewhere in the deepest parts of my soul I'll be happy for Elena when she falls in love – but my heart knows the truth. I'll die. Literally. I'll swim out past the breakers and sit on my board and remember every minute that I spent loving her. I'll think of her smile and I'll remember her laugh, I'll close my eyes and see her looking back at me with her endless, clear eyes… and I'll take off my ring and drop it in the ocean. I'll die.

"What are you doing?" Bonnie is turned in the front seat, glaring at me. I'm confused. "She comes down here to tell you she does love you and you leave? Not even a full day later and you're going away for a month?"

Damon laughs, "That's what happened?"

I lay my head against the cool window pane and close my eyes, think of her… what she's going to look like when she's in love with another man. It hurts me deep in my chest to know that she'll be beautiful and happy without me – she'll have everything I've ever wanted to give her at the hand of another man.

"Yea, Stef – we need to get you far away from Elena." He adds, still chuckling along, "You know that's not possible."

Bonnie huffs and I hear her turning to him now "Why is it _not possible_? She fell in love with him before, what's so crazy about it happening again? Besides, it's probably a good thing that she forgot some of that stuff, Stefan…"

I know what she's referring to – the night I bit Elena, when Klaus compelled me… I nearly drained her. The thought alone makes my mouth water and I hate myself for the burning ache in my throat.

"Don't string him along, you know as well as we do how compulsion works. She doesn't love him because can't love him." Damon uses his most arrogant tone of voice when talking to Bonnie… always has, but right now it's kicked up a notch and reminds me that he and I need to discuss the way he talked about Elena during lunch. I'll make sure that doesn't happen again.

"Yes, Damon. I do." Bonnie is a decent match for Damon – she used to be terrified of him… and me. It's good to hear her push back at him a bit. "But that doesn't mean anything."

"Ugh, Bonnie, Bonnie, Bonnie… do we need to do a crash course? If I were to compel you, if I said _Bonnie, you do not love Jeremy_, would you be able to love him? No. No you wouldn't."

She gives a sarcastic laugh, "True. But that's not what you said, Damon."

Damon doesn't respond – I open my eyes and find him staring at the road in front of him just as shocked as I know I must look.

I sit up, lean onto the console, "You remember what he said? When he compelled her?"

Bonnie shakes her head, "Of course. I remember every word."

**MORE TO COME – FOLLOW ME IChooseStefan on Twitter. Feel free to tweet me or leave a comment/review/question below.**

**THANKS FOR READING!**


	21. Chapter 21

**THE BROKEN – CHAPTER 21**

"With the last day of the three-day event coming to an end, boasting a crowd of nine thousand, plus - more than double last year's attendance - The Dallas Music and Arts festival is quickly becoming one of the country's premier gatherings for up and coming artists, as well as the more successful and established musicians found here beneath the Ford Sync Music Canopy near the west entrance of Fair Park." I'm in awe of Caroline, she's beautiful in the spotlight and smiling as she speaks to the camera lens.

My smile has been on my face for so much of the day that my cheeks are beginning to tire out. Bonnie loops her arm with mine, resting her head against my shoulder, as we stand on the side lines and watch our friend report in from the music festival for the ten o'clock news.

After Bonnie got back from dropping Stefan and Damon at the airport, she and I spent most of the day shopping at The Galleria Mall while Caroline prepped for her assignment. I know I might be a little over done for an outdoor music festival, but I had to buy this dress! Even at more than half off I spent close to a hundred dollars on it at Monsoon. But, like Bonnie pointed out when I was struggling between my new, very flirty dress or the per-usual jeans and tank top - with its thin, gauzy cotton, I won't be able to wear this short, loose-fitting, sleeveless dress until summer once I leave Texas and it's still warm weather… so I convinced myself that the floral lace in the palest shade of blue-gray that you've ever seen was bohemian enough when paired with my brown buckled ankle boots and a few long silver necklaces that I borrowed from Bonnie.

It worked out well though – me and Bonnie deciding to go with a dressier-than usual ensemble as we've been tailing backstage with Caroline for most of the evening and so far I've met Kelly Clarkson, Taylor Swift, the drummer and guitar player from The Gaslight Anthem, the oldest Kardashian sister - she's even shorter than she looks on TV and she complimented my dress! – a few very tall, muscular yet, lanky guys that I assume must be professional basketball players. All four seemed to know Caroline well – she introduced them to us with just their first names as they hugged and kissed her on the cheek - I'm guessing they know Stefan too as Caroline dubbed me 'Elena, Stefan's girl' during the introductions… you can imagine my joy at hearing that put into the universe. I am, afterall, Stefan's girl!

"Yes, Daniel, it's been a great night here in Fair Park. You couldn't ask for a more cloudless sky for the end of show fireworks – the festival has been a great success for the city of Dallas and I can only imagine how next year's crowd will grow even larger."

Watching Caroline work through interviews with the musicians and hob-knobbing with professional athletes, I can see how well this life fits her. The high-rise apartment with an amazing view of Dallas, the expensive car and designer clothing, it's perfectly Caroline.

"I'm going to stay for the remaining bit of the last set, then catch the fireworks before calling it a night, but I'll see you two on Monday!" Caroline smiles, her voice and dialect is a perfect mixture of professionalism and appealing excitement. After a moment of listening to the side of the conversation coming through her earpiece, she nods – brightens her smile, then relaxes and drops the three-man crew begins working to disassemble the lighting and put up the camera and sound equipment. I watch as Caroline unwinds her microphone from beneath her tan blazer and green satin blouse and am reminded of that breath-taking kiss on the couch…

"Caroline, you're a natural!" Bonnie squeals, bringing me back from my daydream, "I'm impressed!"

Giving her best _aw-shucks_ expression, Caroline hands over the mess of wires to the camera man and comes to join us – I can't help but hug her.

"I hope you guys are having fun… I wouldn't have agreed to cover this if I would have known you guys were coming. I thought Stefan was leaving on Friday so when they asked, I agreed because I had nothing else to do."

"Are you kidding?" Bonnie asks, wide eyed, as we move further into the crowd towards the stage. "This has been amazing! I can't wait to tell my kids that I met Taylor Swift!"

I laugh, imagining how a bunch of seven year olds are going to react to the news that their teacher has met one of their biggest idols – Allie's not even four yet and loves her, she sings along with nearly all of Taylor Swifts songs without missing a word.

Caroline takes my hand, looking over the crowd to try and spot a place for us to catch the end of the concert. Speaking loudly over the band playing 'Drunk', she asks, "How are you? Okay?"

I'm having a great time, but I know that's not what she's asking and really, I'm not doing so well with that… with knowing that Stefan is doubtful of my love for him and about to face down the Original sister. I roll my eyes when the smooth tenor voice delivers the lyric "…I know you'll never love me like you used to…" strolls its way into the air just as I think of Stefan and his disbelief in how I feel. It's very fitting, that line – I can imagine those exact words have probably moved through Stefan's mind a million times…

I can't help but smile when I think of how our relationship – from the very beginning – has had an invisible hand acting as a DJ and putting perfect songs to the most important moments in our lives. In the memories I have of him from high school, from the entries in my journals… the 1920's dance, Naples, coming home from Miami – and now, here I am missing him and listening to this soulful voice giving me insight into Stefan's thoughts. It's ridiculous, I know, but deep inside me I can't help but think that Stefan and I are meant to be and the universe is working it's hand to help us find our way. What other explanation can their be?

"I miss him." I try a smile even though it feels fake. Bonnie comes to my other side, takes my free hand and I realize this is a show of support from the two people that I've known since I was just a tiny little girl, since I was Allie's age.

I see a change in Bonnie's eyes – it's very subtle, very faint – but it's there. I can't quite figure out what's behind the emotion that I can't quite read… is she not really happy that Stefan and I are going to try again? Is she just tired and maybe, missing Jeremy? It almost looks like she's keeping something from me…

Caroline interrupts my train of thought, "It'll be okay… it's just a few weeks." I turn my face to her and nod as she adds, "What changed your mind? Last I knew you were afraid of the Originals… what led from your spill in your hallway that night to hoping on a plane for Dallas at a moments notice?"

The band stops and the lead singer is switching guitars, so I don't have to talk as loudly when I respond, "I love him."

"I know." Caroline laughs loud, tossing her hair back like, _that's obvious._ "But you loved him three months ago… what happened?"

"My name is Ed Sheeran and I want to thank you all for coming out tonight and having a listen." The crowd cheers loudly and I wait to respond as the singer counts into his last song.

I look to Bonnie and wonder how I can explain without hurting her feelings or placing blame – she's texting – I didn't change my mind… I just started listening to it. "Do you know how long it's been since I've had an outside point of view? Since I've been able to get advice from someone who wasn't wrapped up in all of our… our mess?" I smile thinking of Pepper and her new red hair and her electric blue eyes – of Robert's fatherly touch of my hand. "When you get right down to the core of things, take away everyone else's concerns or fears… the fact remains that I love Stefan." Saying the words and hearing the lyrics _I'll be your safety, you'll be my lady. I was made to keep your body warm_ – I shudder, my skin forming little goosebumps down my arms and my chest feeling tight… just thinking of Stefan and I feel our frequency… I look to Caroline and return her goofy smile when I say, "I love him and I'm willing to get hurt by losing him, I'll do whatever it takes to be with him. Stefan and Allie, they are my future - everything else…" I shrug, leaving it at that.

Caroline's eyes are tearing up even though she's got a huge smile on her face – I'm confused. When Bonnie lets go of my hand, I turn to look at her and she's an exact replica of Caroline… big smile, teary eyes. The gravity against me is getting even stronger as the song comes to it's chorus.

_Kiss me like you want to be loved…_

"Elena." I'd know his voice anywhere. The way his baritone tongue slips across my name…

_This feels like falling in love_

Inhaling a shaky breath, I turn in place to find my beautiful Stefan Salvatore smiling at me – his green eyes radiant, they capture me instantly. I almost miss that he's wearing a dark grey, three piece suit with the collar of his white shirt unbuttoned and the black tie loose around his neck – my Greek God stands only a few feet before me, smiling that mischievous smile, and I can't move – stilled by his presence.

Taking a step towards me, he takes both of my hands in his, bites his lip for a moment as his eyes look down to my mouth. "I don't deserve it, I know I don't –" When he looks into my eyes again, I swallow hard – our gravity is intense, surrounding us. "I let my fear and insecurity ruin what should have been a defining moment for us…" I blink away tears, unable to take my eyes away from his evergreen gaze.

_Your hearts against my chest, your lips pressed to my neck _

"I never should have doubted you, Elena. I was scared… you're love, it means so much to me – you're everything to me." I'm full on crying now, a tear running down my cheek nearly reaches my mouth, but Stefan's hand comes to my face and his thumb grazes across my skin, wiping it away. God, he's so handsome, so beautiful when he smiles like this…"Without you, it's like I've been holding my breath for years. I'll never doubt you again. I promise."

_Kiss me like you want to be loved, want to be loved_

"Even though I don't deserve it, I want a do-over."

I laugh – whatelse can I do? What more could I ask for? Here he is, Stefan came back – he's wearing a suit and he's just told me that he believes me, that he trusts my word. Through giggles I say, "A do-over?"

He nods – smiling that smile that may as well be the sun, its so bright and warm and makes me feel alive. When the song ends and the crowd cheers, I'm still laughing as Stefan takes a step back – his eyes glowing, so breathtakingly green, look down at his watch – stop for a slight moment on my face, then he looks up.

… what?

I stare at him for a long moment, watch him looking into the night sky, then look over to Caroline and Bonnie now hugging each other and crying through their laughing just like I am – both of them gazing up.

I wonder if maybe I'm missing something, so I look up too – search the clear night sky for a fraction of a second before a crackling sound, followed by a loud boom, then another, pulsates through the night.

My realization slips from my smiling lips in a whisper – "Fireworks", as the black sky is illuminated in burst of glittering golden fireworks.

Fireworks, a suit… he remembered. Of course Stefan remembered – he listens to every word I say, always.

I watch for a few moments, amazed by the beautiful explosions above us and the gravity weaving through me. When I look at him, Stefan's not watching the fireworks – he's smiling and looking at my face in the same way that I look at fireworks – amazed.

"Stefan…" I sigh, reaching out to him, taking his face in my hands and resting in his embrace around my waist.

"Say it." He nods, quickly stealing a look at my lips. "Tell me again and I swear I'll get it right this time."

I swallow – pausing for a moment not because I'm scared or timid or unsure, but in a way to prepare myself, to make sure this is all real. "I love you, Stefan."

How his smile gets even more perfect or how the green in his eyes manages to become even more bright, I'll never know, but we're suddenly all alone in this crowd and there is nothing in the world but me and Stefan and our daughter.

Slipping his hands against my neck, into my hair, Stefan drags his teeth against his bottom lip – I can feel his body against the entire length of me we're standing so close – his voice is strong, incredibly honest when he says "I love you, too."

STEFAN's POV

"I'll love you for eternity, Elena." I say it again. I've held those words inside of me like they were my last breath… like releasing them would be the end of me. I was so wrong. I feel like a weight has been taken from my shoulders and just the sight of her sparkling endless eyes as I tell her I love her for a third time, it's worth everything we've been through.

_I love you_ doesn't begin to explain it – the way I feel for Elena. There are no words… there's never been anything like what we have. I'm a hundred and seventy two years old; I've lived and seen and done and experienced everything there is – but our gravity, the way my lips tingle when their slipping against hers like this – it's incomparable. This what everyone dreams of, what poets try to explain but fail short due to lack of actually experiencing it… it's powerful and soft, life-altering, yet tranquil. I have to pull away, break our kiss, as it's simply inappropriate to continue down the road that our kiss was taking us – I want to make love to my wife, I want to cover her skin in thankful kisses and show her how much I adore her every cell.

Bonnie hadn't even finished speaking "You said Elena wouldn't _remember_ loving Stefan, not that she _couldn't_ love him!"- Damon flipped on the blinker and he was moving across the freeway to exit and bring me back.

I felt like an idiot. All this time I'd been hiding, trying to keep myself from getting hurt as I truly believed that it was impossible for Elena to love me! Every word she said to me last night, about not remembering how she used to feel, but that she fell in love with me since we found each other in Wilmington – it's all true. I feel like I've been drowning. Like I've been held captive in a dark, soundless room for four years and this knowledge – knowing that she loves me, I'm free. I can breathe.

Still, I had to make it right. Bonnie was more than happy to help by keeping quiet and then letting me know where to find them before the fireworks display started. Honestly, Damon was a big help too. We're still going to go after Rebekah – that has to be done no matter what's going on between Elena and I – and he spent a good part of the day rearranging our flights for the second time as well as driving me around town. I haven't worn a suit since I was pretending to be a Mystic Falls High School Student! It took a bit of planning, but if Elena wanted a suit and fireworks - then she gets a suit and fireworks.

XXXXXXXXX

ELENA's POV

I can't stop touching him – during the fireworks show, the cab ride back to Caroline's apartment, in the elevator - we can't stop kissing and laughing and honestly, I don't know if we're going to make it through this door! My toes are barely touching the floor, literally! Stefan is so strong – with one arm and his body pinning mine, my five-foot-six self is eye to eye with his six-foot-two frame – he's kissing my neck and biting at my earlobe making me giggle like a little girl!

I can hear the keys in his hand, jingling as he tries to find the lock just when my mouth finds his again and the playful nature of our kissing is rapidly becoming quite a bit more heated. I feel like I'm about to combust when the door finally swings open and Stefan's arms quickly move to catch my weight – I wrap my legs around his waist and can't help but laugh out loud when he kicks the door shut behind us.

Remembering that I've been outside in eighty degree weather all day, drinking slurpies and eating fried foods, I try to squirm away – I need to freshen up a bit and I bought a very sexy piece of lingerie that I think he'll enjoy.

The soles of my boots are on the ground for less than a full second before he looks at me with a smug smile, brushing my hair down with his fingertips, his voice is light, teasing me, "And where do you think you're going?"

Leaning over to kiss me again, I know I've got to back away, otherwise I may not have the strength to break up our kisses for a second time – they're quite spellbinding! "Ah ah!" I laugh, putting my fingers over his lips, "While you were getting all sexy in that suit, I was eating corndogs and sweating."

"Mmmm, I know" He raises his eyebrows, licks his lips, "you're salty." Lascivious Stefan – oh my.

I close my eyes – will myself to get cleaned up before I let this go any further – I don't want to be concerned about my hygiene! I want to be lost in him. Opening my eyes, I find him looking down my body, the tip of his tongue pressed against his pointy incisor. He's a vampire – its supposed to be scary and bad and I'm not supposed to be affected like this… my want for him increasing when I think of how powerful he is, my immortal, Greek God. "Hold that thought. I'll be quick, I swear."

With a playful role of his eyes, Stefan nods, gesturing for me to go.

Pulling my dress up and over my head, I undress as I walk away from him. I can feel his eyes on me the entire way from the foyer to the door of his bedroom where my things are – giving him a quick look over my shoulder before I open the door, I feel like a wanton, tantric Goddess – his eyes are burning, for me.

Finally behind closed doors, I move much quicker with much less grace as I shuffle through the bags of items I bought at The Galleria until I find the red silk babydoll slip. It's not incredibly racy… but from what I can remember it's the sexiest piece of lingerie I've ever worn – for anyone.

Though I've found my bath things, hair dryer, and toothbrush, I can't find my hairbrush… I've nearly removed the entire lot of my items from my suitcase when I remember it's in my canvas bag and I hear music coming from the living room. Telling myself to hurry, I almost run to the dresser where my bag is and immediately, I change direction – when I see the gift bags I sit aside the strong desire I have for Stefan.

STEFAN's POV

Two or three times I've had to pace around the room – I'm losing patience. I want to go in there and I want to hold and kiss her and make love to my wife. I finished off a bottle of water, then started on a Guinness while I waited – tortured by this ten minute delay. Pulling the last of the beer into my mouth, my cell phone buzzes in my pocket.

Elena: I love you. xoxo

Okay. That's it. I don't know if that was her telling me she's done showering or what, but I can't take it any longer. Shaking my jacket from my shoulders and leaving it on the floor, I pull the tie from my neck and begin working on the vest as I quickly cross the living room. I'm trying to decide whether or not to knock the closer I get – not sure of the protocol of this entire situation – when Elena opens the door and the teenager inside of me takes over. Forget protocol… forget the niceties…

The most beautiful girl I've ever seen is standing in the doorway, her body dangerously curved beneath a red satin gown that leaves nothing to the imagination – still, my mind is going wild with images of her body tangled up with mine and I can't think of anything else. I don't slow my pace, moving at an intent speed, as I come through the door and take her in my arms – my lips finding hers like pull of a magnet.

Her hands are in my hair and mine are slipping across the heated fabric of her dress, moving her to the bed – I have to have her. I love her. – when, again, Elena turns away from me. I'm not mad. I swear I'm not… but I'm tightly wound right now… burning for her and she tastes like spearmint and smells like honeysuckle – and blood… I can't think of anything else she could do to _freshen up_.

Which leads me to wonder if maybe I'm pushing this step a little too quickly. Moving away from her, completely taking my hands off of her body as I recall her telling me that she can't think clearly when I touch her. I'm even more confused when my eyes graze down her body and I wonder why she'd decide on such an tempting dress if she wasn't thinking on the same path as me… I pop my neck, put my hands on my hips – tell my raging-hormone teenager to calm down and let her have a minute. I feel like I did when I was human – those four months when all rational thought and lifetimes of experience went out of the window and I was just a testosterone filled kid that couldn't get enough of her - resisting my brother's fiancé was harder than going without food or water.

Smiling and breathless, Elena smoothes the wrinkles my hands created in the satin fabric of her dress, pushing the hem back down into place. I can't help but watch her hands – grazing down her stomach and hips – biting my lip in an effort to control myself.

"I got you a birthday gift."

I look her over – she's… wow.

"The dress?" That's all I can come up with. I'm usually good with words, but like I said, I may as well be that same seventeen year old kid I was in 1864, locked in a room with my dream girl from the future.

She laughs – that sweet, sexy, dancing giggle that weaves its way through the fibers of my body. It doesn't help my resolve… I want her even more.

"No, Stefan." My eyes are captured by her smiling face and endless eyes – it takes a long moment for me to realize she's gesturing towards the desktop.

Turning in place, I find two shiny blue gift bags, one small – maybe the size of soda can, the other a bit larger but probably no larger than a textbook – the curled white and silver ribbons hanging from the handles are flattened and dulled, leading me to believe that Elena's had these gifts for a while.

As if she can hear my thoughts, Elena explains "I've been planning on giving you these for a while now…"

She doesn't have to finish – My all or nothing plan kept her from being able to do that as I would never commit to meeting up for a weekend together.

Taking my hand as she moves to the desk, I'm actually little hesitant about the little blue bags – I don't know why. I'm sure whatever it is inside the gift bags will be wonderful and I'll love them, but it's been… what, maybe eighty years since someone – _Lexi_ - has given me a birthday gift, since anyone has cared enough to even remember that I've not always been an undying disgrace… at one point in my existence I was a human and had a soul and had a mother that cherished me and the day I was born.

Maybe I don't know how to react – as I said it's been a long time and I'm already amped up with my desire for Elena and the gravity fizzing between us… she's still in that curvy, warm, satin dress… distracting. I stand there, looking at the bags and looking at the deep curve of Elena's waist intermittently for a long while – finally, she said "Open this one first."

The larger one…

With a quick waggling of my fingers, I swallow – then look into the blue gift bag.

I can see it's a book… maybe a bible as the pages are lined with gold foil – but as I pull it from bag and see the bejeweled cover of a classic print version of Sleeping Beauty, I have never been happier to hold a Disney book in my hands in my entire life. I know before Elena says, "It's from Allie…"

I never thought I would love someone more than I love Elena, but with Allie… from the moment I knew she was inside of Elena I've loved her more than I'd ever known I could love anyone. "She thought you'd like it since the king is named Stefan. I'm supposed to remind you that Kings are in charge of knights, like Sir Damon."

I laugh and cover my eyes with my free hand, rub my face roughly as I try and will myself not to cry with the pure and overwhelming joy that this gift from my daughter has brought me. I see her smiling little perfect face as she ran to me, Damon playing the dragon… I can almost hear her laugh. "Open the cover."

I'm expecting to see a handwritten note from her or maybe a picture she's drawn.

I've never fainted. Never, not even felt faint and I've been alive a long time… it takes a minute for me to figure it out, but when register that I'm looking at is the birth certificate for Alexia Nicole _Salvatore_ I feel my legs give a little, my head swims and my eyes can't focus. I look at it for a long, long time through the tears in my eyes, biting my shaking lip hard as I look to Elena… I love this woman so much. I love her.

"You're her father, Stefan. I think she's too young to explain right now, but soon… you and I will sit down with her and we'll tell her."

With the book still in my hand, I move to hold Elena – I want to thank her and I need to feel her against me, she'll never know how much this means to me - but she lifts up her hand with a perfectly sweet smile on her face. "You have one more to open."

I don't know why, but I hesitate at the thought of sitting down Allie's gift and the birth certificate with my last name… the rational side of me knows that nothing's going to happen to them just sitting here on the desktop for a moment, but it takes a lot of effort for my fingers to let them go. "This one is from me."

I look at her again, taking the bag in my hand without looking away from her beautiful, clear eyes… I love her.

It's a cell phone. I give a small laugh as I have no voice, still affected by my first gift, then take it from the bottom of the bag. "I powered it up before you came in here, so just turn it on."

It's a white I phone, an older model and I've had a few just like this so I know how to activate it. Pressing the button on top and flicking the screen with my thumb – I see a picture of Elena and I standing in the near dusk night, the Tiber river flowing in the distance behind us - my legs shake, I nearly drop to one knee but catch myself against the desktop.

I can remember the breeze and sound of a guitar and the pride of having Elena as my wife… I'm unfocused and lost track of time when I feel Elena's hand come to the side of my face, her fingers brush back the short hair over my ear. I hear her make a sound from the force I use pulling her body against me. I don't mean to hold her so tightly – but if I have to go one more second without hold her I will come undone. "I love you, Stefan." One hand in her hair, the other holding the phone and pressing her body against me, I kiss her shoulder, thank God for Elena in silent prayers. She says it again, her lips against my ear and her voice just a sweet, soft whisper, "I love you."

She lets me hold her for a long time, but I'm still not ready to let go when I feel Elena begin to move away .I'm dying to kiss her, to hold her face and make love to her like I've wanted to for all of these terrible months that we've spent lying to one another and lying to ourselves.

"I wish I could remember marrying you, Stefan."

I watch her look away from me – her sad voice leaving me with my daughter's birth certificate with her name reading Salvatore in permanent ink and a phone with pictures of us from years ago… it hits me like a chord when I realize I don't want my memories of the girl I married. I want the woman standing in this room with me – the woman I love. This Elena… I've been securely attached to what we had and what we were and what I lost for so long, that it's a relief to finally let those things go… I'm ready to move on, move back to Elena.

To her endless eyes, glittering with tears and her perfectly shaped lips and pure heart.

She lifts her hand to me, a silver men's wedding band laying in the palm of her hand. "But I've fallen in love with you… it was fast and it was overwhelming and honestly, I love you so much that it scared me –but Stefan, I do… I love you. I belong to you."

I kiss her. I can't help it. I kiss her hard on her mouth, both of my hands holding her face. I won't let the things that have hurt me in the past ruin us. Everything that led to losing her over and over again… I won't let those painful memories steal Elena away from me again.

_I sat down to write probably more than ten minutes ago. I took my pen in hand, opened my journal to this very page – blank and ready to be filled with my thoughts and concerns, a replay of my day – but I pressed the nib onto the line… and nothing. _

_It's been ten minutes of me sitting here, utterly worn out from spending hours making love to my wife – giving equal amounts of attention to every inch of her – relishing in the sound of her giggles, savoring the taste of her skin, letting her heartrate and breathy moans fuel me. I'll never tire of spending my time cherishing her, of hearing Elena say my name in the way that only she can – just thinking of it now, how her teeth graze against her lip as she releases my name from her tongue – I'm tempted to wake her and begin again._

_It's nearly dawn and I'd like to be asleep, holding her against me, but I'm getting quite hungry and Elena has an alluring scent to her blood that creates thoughts in my head that leads to that ache in my gums… otherwise, I'd still be tangled up with her. I may as well go hunt as I cant sleep… I want to read Sleeping Beauty and read her Allie's name with my last name over and over… I can't keep the fingers on my right hand from spinning the band on my ring finger… it's unreal._

_Do I dare say it write down how I feel? Like everything is - - no. I'm not going to chance it._

ELENA's POV

I wake with a smile. Can you believe that? Miss Anti-Morning, waking with a smile and finding Stefan dressed in a pair of loose blue workout pants and a long sleeved white thermal – he looks so good in white. I'm sure his super-vampire hearing has heard me wake even though I've not moved, but I stay quiet and observe him reading Allie's birth certificate… I love that man. Allie couldn't have been any luckier that to get Stefan as her father.

"I thought you'd be asleep for quite a while longer," Stefan turns to face me, resting against the desktop and crossing his arms loosely over his chest, that champion smile on his Roman face.

Stretching beneath the sheets, I grab his pillow and roll onto my side so I can see him better. My stomach growls loudly before I can respond with _I'm starving._

After the calories I burned _reacting_ to Stefan's skilled abilities and deft hands, I've woke up craving a cup of coffee and pancakes… then more Stefan.

Taking a seat on the edge of the bed, he gives me a quick kiss on my forehead, brushing back my hair before laying back on the bed, resting his head on hip and his weight on his elbows - something about the way his body is stretched out before me makes my mouth water.

"If you want, I can pick you up something. I'll just make a quick run out to hunt." I nod, yes, then run my fingers through his un-styled hair, brushing it back like he does mine – the closing of his eyes and heavy sigh that escapes him, you have no idea what that does to me. How it makes me feel to know that my touch relaxes him.

I do it a few more times, slip my fingers through the length of his hair, make note of the thousand different shades of brown, from chestnut to golden, it's beautiful and just like his daughters.

I'm lost in a game of matching Stefan's features to Allie's when he says, "Oh, I noticed you had a missed call from Matt. Does he know you're here?" His voice is soft, sleepy… I keep running my fingers through his hair in a way of coaxing him to stay with me a bit longer and put off his hunt for awhile.

"Yea. I told him before I left. Than talked to him yesterday afternoon."

I sense the tension manifesting in Stefan's body, catch the hesitation in his voice when he asks, "How does he feel about this, about us?"

"Matt is you're biggest supporter." I smile, remembering how Matt pitted himself up against Bonnie. "Besides, Pepper of course."

"Of course." Stefan gives a laugh, relaxes again. "Matt's a decent guy. I don't know how everything is going to work out, or what kind of future you're seeing for us, but how ever you decide this should go, I don't want Matt to feel like he's getting cut out or replaced." He opens his eyes, so green… so thoughtful and kind. "And I'd never want to take Matt out of Allie's life. I know you would never do that either, but I just want you to know that I don't expect that, not at all."

I smile, take my hand from his hair and lace my fingers with his, pulling our hands to my face and kissing his knuckles – sexy, scarred up knuckles. I wouldn't have expecting anything less from him, but as always, Stefan's selflessness surprises me, reminds me why I love him so. I stay quiet for a moment, then say, "What do you mean, however _I decide?_ I'm through with that one-sided decision stuff… we're a team."

He squeezes my hand gently, runs his thumb across the top of my hand. "Then tell me what you want so I can agree." He laughs, and I try my best to give him a stern _its not funny_ glare, but I can't. Stefan's just too damn adorable! I wanted a suit and fireworks and that's what I got… If he could have figured out a way to make it rain, I'm sure he would have done that as well. "Well, comeon, let's hear it."

There's so much – I want to do and experience and have so much with Stefan – it's hard to deduce it to an early morning, sleepy conversation, but I open my mouth and let whatever comes out work.

"I want to move in together. Now. Today." I laugh at my forwardness, at the way he's looking at me like I'm beautiful. "I want to get a marriage license and change my name and buy a house and have a porch swing and tree hammock in the backyard. I don't care where we live but I want to be close to the ocean for you to be able to escape and go surfing and because Allie loves the ocean too. I want to watch the sunset over the water and watch our kids playing in the sand."

I see his mouth start to open, to correct me on the plural use of kids – but I continue.

"I want to adopt a bunch of babies and raise them and have a huge family. I want Caroline, and Bonnie and Jeremy, and Damon to come over to barbeques and have play dates with their kids… I want to see and do it all!" Again I laugh, again I kiss his knuckles, "but I don't have to have any of those things so long as I've got you and Allie." Closing his eyes, he shakes his head softly like he can't believe the day we've woke up to – this is perfect, Stefan and I like this… everything is going to be okay.

I love him. I can't help myself when I add, "But right now, I just want you to kiss me… slowly."

MATT's POV

Damn it. What am I going to do…

My phone is ringing and despite every ounce of my brain telling my body to not answer it, telling my hand to not move, I reach for it anyway.

With my jaw clenched and teeth grinding together, I see Elena's name on the ID and squeeze my mouth shut even tighter… I know what I'm going to say. I can't stop it.

"Answer it."

It's like a switch being turned off, how my body instantly reacts to his soft spoken command and I stop trying to fight it.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Matt. How's Allie?" Elena's voice is light and happy. She sounds like the girl I've known since I was a kid.

"Allie is fine. I've been thinking about you and Stefan and I've decided that I don't like it. I think we should meet and talk about it."

"What? Matt what are you talking about? You're the one-"

"Elena, you heard me. I don't like it. I don't like you and Stefan together and I don't like the idea of Stefan being involved with Allie!"

The strain of her voice hurts me, I feel terrible but I can't stop the words, the script from coming out of my throat. "Matt, you can't be serious!"

"If you want to talk about it, then that's fine. But I'm going to file for full custody of Allie in the morning, so I suggest you come today." There. I said it all. I said every words in the exact order in which I was compelled to say. I stand from the kitchen chair to look Elijah in the eyes. He's a vampire, I get it, but he's also got my girlfriend and my daughter and I'm willing to die if I have to. "I did what you asked, now please, let them go."

His cold, black eyes never look away from me – he's too aware of the power he has over me. Hell, I don't even know where Rebekah took Allie and Laura. For all I know they may have already of killed them – the thought makes my heart race and my eyes fill with tears.

"Matt, I never promised that I'd return them to you." Putting his hand on my shoulder, Elijah leans over to me, "One should be careful with the words they chose… you said you wanted this to stop. You said you didn't want any part of this. That, I can help you with."

I'm about to ask him what he means, how he can keep me from being involved when he has my daughter held captive, but when I open my lips to speak instead I inhale sharply, pain radiating all the way through my chest and my lungs unable to move – looking down at the core of the pain, I see Elijah's arm impaled through my sternum – I feel his fingers wrapped around my still beating heart, then …..

**MORE TO COME - Follow me IChooseStefan on twitter for updates or feel free to message me.**

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	22. Chapter 22

**THE BROKEN – Chapter 22**

DAMON's POV

There's just something about a married woman that draws me to them – maybe it's the challenge, hell I don't know, but I've got to tell you, Bonnie _Gilbert_ is looking good enough to eat… and I don't mean that literally this time. I'm pretending to be interested in what she and Caroline are gabbing about so I can look her over - and let me be the first to say, married life suits the little witch.

Looks like she's stopped with the obsessive straightening of her hair and gone back to a messier look. Long enough that it covers her slender neck and hanging in soft curls – the kind that makes a man want to twist a lock around his fingers. I've always loved a woman with curly hair…

And wow, is her skin beautiful in the morning light! I'm pretty sure she's not got any makeup on and even with my sensitive sight; I can't see much of a blemish anywhere on her face, bare arms, or beckoning chest. My eyes keep catching at the hollow of her throat – not because I want to bite her, but because of its very feminine, very fragile appearance. Watching her eating bits of an orange, slowing chewing while listening to whatever God awful topic Caroline has to offer, every time she swallows the urge to run my tongue along her collar bone gets a bit stronger.

I'm running through a few options as far as moving-in, propositioning Mrs. Jeremy Gilbert, when Stefan's wide-eyed, tense neck expression changes the light atmosphere around the kitchen isle where we have been pretending to be human - eating a breakfast of fruit and pancakes rather than slurping at plastic donor bags, so that our non-vamp guests feel more comfortable. I'm barely pulled from my gutter-minded thoughts of one-upping that loser, Jeremy, when I catch Caroline's easy demeanor slipping away too. She and Stefan share a long look – communicating through broody glares at one another – while Bonnie and I look confused for a moment, then watch them and try to figure out what we're missing.

"I'll go" Caroline says as they both stand, a simultaneous rising from the barstools. Despite Stefan's stern face and shaking of his head, Caroline give him a confident nod and touches his hand – seems to work because Stefan sits back down, slowly and somewhat reluctantly, but he sits down while Caroline takes wide strides across the apartment headed towards Stefan's bedroom.

It's a natural reaction for my senses to sharpen when I'm feeling uncertain, suspicious, or in this case, confused – just as easily as I can hear Bonnie's little heart beginning to pick up its pace as she inspects Stefan's furrowed face and my still-hungry gaze, I can just as easily catch Caroline speaking with Elena.

Caroline - "Do you need help packing? I can come with you and get you on a flight if you like."

Elena – "No. I have everything. I have money. I just. I. Where's Stefan?"

Like a moth to a flame, the boy is on his feet and nearly to the door before she finishes saying his name. When I turn to give Bonnie a roll of my eyes – kind of saying _pitiful, whipped Stefan - _ her attitude fueled grimace makes me wonder if I was ever like that with Elena.

Not Elena… Katherine, eh.

Stefan – "I heard…" - He heard… what did I miss while eye-balling Bonnie? – "it's okay, it's fine."

The light whimpering must belong to Elena… it's funny, last night I considered ripping her throat out and now I'm tensing with rage about an unknown offender causing my brother's girlfri- err, my sister-in-law to cry.

Caroline starts in, but her voice is drowned out by Bonnie's accusatory tone, "You're such a nosey, ass."

"Elena's upset." I say in response – my reason for eavesdropping.

With a smirk, Bonnie rolls her eyes and swishes the last couple of ounces of orange juice around in her glass, "Doesn't take special vampire ears to pick up on that… nor does it give you any right to listen in."

That sexy, slightly sideways pursing of her lips has a small upturn to the corners – she may be attempting disdain, but I can see her amusement. When she flips her hair back, I'm convinced that she's aware of my newfound attraction to her and, though I'm sure it's all in fun, Bonnie is a bit flattered by my attention. "You're just jealous." I tease.

I focus in on Stefan too-light tone while I watch Bonnie think of a comeback – "Of course I'll come with you. We'll talk to him together." I can almost picture him craning his neck down, cupping her face, giving her his _don't worry_ face, "I'm sure it's completely normal for Matt to be concerned abou-"

"Have you talked with Katherine?" Bonnie's voice and _that_ name snaps me out of my concentration. I stare at Bonnie for a long time, I don't think I've ever heard her say Katherine's name like that, without the usual heaping dose of contempt. "I have her number… if you want it."

The little witch has been holding out on me.

I'm trying to put the pieces together – figure out how in the world Bonnie has become the central piece – remembering Katherine and Bonnie working together in finding Stefan's last remaining witch, the little girl in Italy, when Caroline comes storming into the kitchen. Her determined pace clicks her heeled boots along the hardwood floor in a quick, clacking rhythm in perfect synch with Bonnie's startled heart rate.

"Change of plans." I give my best, _oh darn _expression as I wasn't particularly interested in tailing behind with Stefan while he escorted them around Dallas. "Bonnie, get dressed."

ELENA's POV

The moment the flight attendant gives the okay to use our phones, I power mine up – our flight was delayed by over an hour and I've been silently worrying that Stefan's will be too, meaning I'll have to go to see Matt alone.

Stefan: My flight wasn't delayed, so I shouldn't be more than 45m behind you.  
Stefan: See you soon. I love you.

Reading Stefan's text messages while the others in the plane are scurrying to gather their carryon bags and get in line to exit, it's the first time I've smiled since I left his side. I know how co-dependent that sounds, but I don't care. When you have what we have, relying on each other isn't a negative thing; it's just part of it. When I need to smile, when I need to feel secure or reassured, Stefan is who I turn to. Even his text message makes me feel better.

When I woke up this morning everything was perfect.

Within an hour of getting out of Stefan's bed things started to fall apart fast.

Music didn't help. I bought a book in one of the shops inside the terminal and couldn't even give it enough attention to understand the prologue! Bonnie tried, telling me about their honeymoon and showing me the pictures taken at the wedding… it's been almost four hours and despite everyone's best effort at looking confident when they say _It's going to be fine, Elena, _there is just something about the sound of Matt's voice - deep inside of my stomach I know things are not going to be fine, this is not going to turn out okay. Try as I might, I can't get Matt's absent-sounding voice out of my head! I can't stop hearing him tell me that he's going to file for custody of Allie.

"Is that Stefan?" Bonnie asks, her voice is too light, too high-pitched – the calm, _everything's cool_ tone is obviously forced, but I don't call her out on it because I want to believe that Stefan and I going to talk with Matt will help.

I nod, my eyes still on the last three words, wondering how it is that a text message makes me feel warm and secure. "Yea, his flight is on time."

And there is Bonnie's fake smile, "Oh good! So he's not far behind us then." I find it a little disconcerting that Bonnie even feels relief knowing that Stefan is near. I mean, she's been very cordial with Stefan, and even apologized to him about the way things went that night in my parents' house and for how she lied about him while he and I were apart, but – Bonnie is still anti-vampire… usually.

Taking advantage of a gap in the flow of people exiting, I move from my seat and hold a spot open for Bonnie to slip into the thin aisle from her window seat. "We'll go to my apartment so you can get your car and I can pack a bag, then I need to go by the office before coming back to pick up Stefan."

"Why? What can't wait?" Bonnie sighs, pulling her overstuffed back from the overhead compartment. "I thought your boss was more understanding than that."

Robert was very considerate when I called him before my flight– _do what you have to do, Elena. We can take care of everything until you get back. _"Yea, he's great, but I don't know how long I'm going to need to be in Charlottesville and I'd hate to put more work on Pepper than she already has. I won't be able to sleep anyway; may as well get some work done."

STEFAN's POV

"Damon," I sigh, gritting my teeth together from aggravation, and a lot of envy. "please tell me you didn't." I don't know why I'm asking, I can smell the blood…

He just smiles, wiping at his mouth for good measure as he takes a seat. That flight attendant couldn't have been more than eighteen, but the moment she spotted Damon – and he laid eyes on her – it was over. I saw the resemblance, but I have Elena whereas Damon is still pining over Katherine. I'd like to think that had I been in his shoes I wouldn't have drank her to near death, but I can see the allure.

"They've got to be related, don't you think?" I have turn away from him when he speaks – my stomach growls loudly, my body is begging me to drink and the reminence of the Katherine look alike smells like cinnamon and vanilla and warm iron. Damon notices the groaning in my gut, sees how the veins in my eyes surface for a moment. "Whoa brother, you need to eat…" He nods towards the lavatory door that he's just come from, where the look-alike still is. "Doubt she'd put up much of a fight – go on."

Sometimes, times like this, I'm reminded why being a vampire is a curse – my muscles flinch with anticipation even as my fingers wrap around the arm rests, holding me in place. Even with how well things have turned out with Elena, I'm exhausted from the up and down, from the warring of contradicting emotions and schizophrenic jumping from crushed and destroyed to elated and overjoyed – the added stress of Matt's phone call, it's all compounding on my will-power… Damon isn't helping. "Seriously, finish her off…"

"Shut up." I barely have a voice and have to keep my mouth partially shut as my fangs have protruded through my gums – hiding my face in my hands, all I can see is flowing blood and Katherine.

Damon grabs the back of my neck, gives my body a jostle. "Think of it like this," I can hear his smug smile, "if you're fears about Matt are right, then you'll need the extra oomph that her blood would give you."

My fears about Matt… about the Originals. Something just isn't sitting right.

Elena says Matt championed the idea of me getting to know Allie, was completely accepting of Elena legally changing Allie's last name – he even called me one of his best friends - an honor that I was unaware of until this morning. The summer that Elena spent in Spain, Matt and I hung out quite a bit – Elena's exes, drinking beer and playing football and working out… still, I'm surprised and flattered. What could have led him from pushing Elena to let me in Allie's life to threatening to take her away from her mother. It just doesn't seem like a move Matt would pull.

The thought of Allie and Elena strengthens me to the scent of blood and the images of a pierced neck. "I thought you said I was reaching…" Damon has been putting down my fears with an explanation that does make sense – that now that I'm actually back in Elena's life, now that I'm in a position to be Allie's father, Matt is feeling threatened, It sounds good – I said nearly the same thing to Elena… but it doesn't feel right though.

Damon begins to respond – pausing long enough to let the pilot alert us to fasten our seatbelts and get ready to land.

ELENA's POV

I feel like I'm moving on auto-pilot. Shuffling through random papers and manuscripts, looking for three in particular that I'm supposed to have reviewed by the end of the week.

When we got back to my apartment, I gave Bonnie a somewhat cold goodbye. I hope she understands and isn't upset with me. My mind is shut off and my reactions are delayed… the thought of losing Allie is becoming heavier as night falls. I didn't even walk her to her car, just gave her a kiss on the cheek and shut the door behind her – making a note to call her in the morning and apologize just as soon as I've rectified the situation with Matt and Allie.

The bag in my SUV is full of clean clothes, but to be honest I have no idea what all I shoved in there – it may be twenty pairs of socks for all I know! My mind is focused on getting to the airport, picking up Stefan, and going to get our daughter – nothing else – and when I accidentally push the Tiffany desk lamp off of my desk as I shuffle through the manuscripts, the shattering of the glass lamp shade nearly makes me jump out of my skin!

Leaning over the desk to assess the damage, I manage to push a stack of papers into the floor as well. "Ugh!"

Just another obstacle to slow me down – but I can't leave my office like this! When Pepper and Jennifer and Robert get-in in the morning, they'll think we've been robbed. Giving the mess one more frown, I make my way into the lobby, behind Jennifer's desk and retrieve the dustpan and handheld brush. Much like Jennifer, even her cleaning items are whimsical – wooden and painted teal with purple polka-dots.

When my phone buzzes from the top of my desk, I'm on my knees and just beginning to collect the papers.

STEFAN: We've landed. Gate 12. We're heading to passenger pickup.

Again, I smile – that's what he does to me.

I'm about to respond, my thumbs hovering over the touch screen with the clattering of wooden blinds against the lobby door startles me yet again – immediately, I wish I would have set the alarm. It's automatic, holding my breath, listening, unable to move…

There are not footsteps. No swishing of pant legs against one another. Just the gentle hum of the air conditioner and a light buzzing from the old copy machine just outside of my office door. I'm trying to convince myself that I have imagined the crashing of blinds against the window pane – all the while my mind is flashing images of Klaus and Elijah, of Katherine, of tomb vampires and Rose and Anna and Noah… "oh, my gosh…" I sigh, relieved, letting out the breath I've been holding when I see him come around the door frame, smiling at me. "Kolby, you scared me half to death!"

DAMON's POV

Bonnie: Do you know how pissed she'd be if I gave you her number?

If we weren't standing outside of a busy airport, I'd just call Bonnie and insist she give me Katherine's number. This is bullshit… offering it to me this morning, hours later telling me she can't until she checks with Katherine. Bonnie and Katherine, friends – things have really changed in the four years that I spent dried up in the cellar. But then again, my last memory of Bonnie – prior to seeing her the night I compelled Elena – was Katherine and her chatting it up about spells and boys after Stefan and Elena left for Rome.

I sigh loudly, frustrated, when I read the text message and Stefan gives me an inquisitive look before trying Elena again. We haven't been here long ,maybe ten minutes, but Elena was supposed to have been waiting for us – pitiful little Stefan is pacing and over-reacting. I'm pretty sure what he's really concerned about is that Elena fell of the stability train and has changed her mind!

Damon: Do you know how pissed I'm going to be if you don't?

I watch Stefan pacing back and forth in front of me, waiting for Bonnie to respond. It's near dark, but I can spot the hunger on his face, how his bottom jaw is jutted out just enough, just right for a wide opening of his mouth and clenching down into soft flesh. I get a little smirk on my face when I realize that _I love you now_ Elena isn't so in love with him that she'll let him feed off of her like she once did. My smile widens as I wonder if Stefan has noticed the difference? I'm sure he has - his quick pacing, the texting, the calling… he can't be that worried about the Matt ordeal.

"No answer?" I ask. I don't really care. I mean, I do, but I'm mainly asking to hear his voice when he responds – get a better idea of just how hungry my little brother is. When he runs his tongue over his top teeth and lowers his brow, shaking his head no, I realize it's getting pretty rough.

Giving a look around, I decide that we're in a much too crowded area. "Come on." I grab Stefan by his shoulder, shoving him in front of me a bit. "Let's get away from all the humans, huh?"

Again, he nods – his mouth shut. I'm trying to inspect his face, see if I can tell if he's fanged or not, but he turns too quickly and takes wide strides away from me and away from possible victims. Twenty or thirty feet away from the exit, Stefan stops – bending at the waist, hands on his knees. I roll my eyes at him even though he can't see me as he's still facing away. "Get it together, Stefan. Jesus Christ, if you want a bite – have a bite!"

Pushing air through pressed lips in a loud huff, he stands and pivots to face me – tired of my goading and most likely having a harder time resisting – he raises his eyebrows and opens his mouth, but says nothing. I look at him for a long moment, wondering why he seems to be stuck – frozen in mid speech – when I realize he's not looking at me, but over my shoulder… his face falling from aggravation to shock.

ELENA's POV

Kolby is still smiling, looking at me in the floor where I was attempting to clean up my mess before he scared me. At first, seeing him was a relief as my mind was picturing the worst of the worst – Klaus or Elijah – but the longer he stands there with that wide smile and cold, dark gaze, my fear is creeping up again, growing stronger as each second passes.

I try to speak in a nonchalant tone, but my voice is shaky as soon as it leaves my lips, "Wh-what are you doing here, anyway?" I try a laugh to cover the fear in my voice, but it falls short, catching in my throat.

When he doesn't respond in the normal amount of time one would expect, I turn back to the broken glass in front of me and begin trying to sweep it up, my hands trembling.

"You know, Elena. I just do not understand the fascination." Very calmly, too controlled, Kolby takes a few steps into my office, staying along the wall and running his fingertips across the bookshelves. "The damsel in distress, the lady in need of rescuing… it's just much to cliché for me."

I swallow, "Oh?"

My phone buzzes again, but I'm scared to move. I don't know why, but my mind knows something is wrong with Kolby being here, with the way he's moving, with the silence of his footsteps, with the coolness of his tone - it's very… predator like.

"How was Dallas? Did you have a nice time?" Kolby asks, making his way to my desk.

"Ye-" I stop myself, remembering I never told him that I was going to Dallas. When I ended things on Monday night, I'd told him I was not going to Caroline's party. "How do you know I went to Dallas?" I ask, standing on weak knees.

Taking his eyes off of my buzzing phone, those cold, dark eyes land on my face and I shudder from the emptiness in his gaze. "I know a lot more about you than you realize, Elena Gilbert. Graduating class of 2013. Besmirched child of Isobel Flemming and John Gilbert. Twenty four years old, favorite color is green, a Leo –" Now standing behind my desk, directly across from me, I watch him lean over a bit, he takes my phone and drops it in the pocket of his jacket. Cutting those void eyes to me, he adds in a cruel tone, "A widow."

I take a step back – without thinking about, without trying – I move away from him. How does he know all of these things?

"I'm. I. No. I'm not a widow, Kolby." I try a laugh again. I sound like I'm about to cry… I am. My throat feels like its closing up, my lungs so tight that I'm losing my breath.

With a boisterous laugh, Kolby slams his fists onto the desktop – again I jump back, but when my heel presses into a shard of glass I lose my balance and fall to the floor. I can feel Kolby looking at me as I inspect the large piece of broken lamp shade that has cut through the thin foam of my flip flop and sliced into my heel, lodged deep in my foot. Feeling Kolby's eyes on me, it's not the same as Stefan's… it's cold and it's threatening and when I look up at him behind my desk, I gasp at the sight of the veins on his face and fangs beneath his snarled lip.

Kolby breathes deeply through his nose, leaning his head back a bit as if he's inhaling an alluring scent – my blood now dripping from the bottom of my heel and flip flop.

Ignoring the pain in my foot, I scurry backwards across the floor. I don't know where I'm going – I can't get far scooting on my butt and with the glass in my foot and unable to stand, but my fight or flight reaction kicks in and flight is all I have!

Moving like the speed of light, Kolby climbs over the desk and is kneeling in front of me and tightly grasping the ankle of my injured foot before I get more than three feet of distance between us. "Though I must say, you do smell delicious. How that Salvatore keeps from ripping into you, I'll never know."

I can't look at his face – it's absolutely terrifying! Gone are the cold dark brown orbs, replaced with crimson red eyes and black, pulsating veins. Instead, I look down at where he's holding my leg – when he lifts my foot directly in front of my face, I force myself to focus on my fuchsia-painted toenails.

The gentle running of his finger over the glass makes me wince, my leg jerking from the pain, but it barely moves as Kolby's grip is like a vice around my ankle. I can see his tongue lick his lips out of the corner of my eye.

"May I?" Kolby asks in a cool tone to his voice as his thumb and forefinger pinch the glass and begin to slowly pull the shard from my heel. I scream, loud and through clenched teeth, as the pain radiates up my leg and Kolby holds my foot perfectly still as the rest of my body tenses and tries to wiggle away – it's no use! It seems like it takes a very long time for the glass to finally slip from the gouge in my foot – but when it's finally over and I'm near faint, Kolby drops my leg to the floor. I'm out of breath, heaving from the pain, but manage to scoot back – keeping my eyes on him still crouching and staring at the bloody glass with his crimson eyes. My back finds the wall and I use my hands and my one good foot and the ball of my other to push myself to a stance, sliding up the sheetrock.

Slowly, as if he's holding a delicacy in his fingers, Kolby moves the bloody glass to his mouth – I want to look away, I really wish I could tear my eyes away from him – but I watch as his tongue slips across the glass and scoops up my red blood. It's a grotesque motion, the licking of my blood from the glass, but he does it again – closing his eyes, savoring it… savoring me.

"Well, maybe I do see the appeal afterall." He says between licks and sucks of the blood on the glass and now on his fingers.

My eyes are searching the room, looking for an exit, for a way out – I'm only six feet from the door of my office…"Kolby, please. Just let me go." I take a step towards the door. "Please. I need to go to the hospital!" Then another – all the while staying against the wall for balance and for some kind of sense of safety.

He laughs again, standing straight and tossing the licked-clean lamp shade glass onto the floor. "Are you that stupid, Elena?" I take a third wide step. "The compulsion really did a number on you, didn't it!"

I run. I put all of my effort into it – one wide stride, then the other – the nerves in my injured foot setting the entire right side of my body on fire! Just as my left foot hits the hallway floor, I feel Kolby's hand grip my hair right against my neck and before I can even scream from the pain I'm flying back into my office, slamming against my desk and falling to the floor – right onto the glass.

I don't know how many places I'm cut, but besides the blood on my foot, my palms and my arms are scratched and I can feel a shard of glass in my hip. Kolby's face is rippling with veins, smiling, as he comes to me now laying in the floor.

"I don't get it, Elena. I'm sorry. I just don't see it. I mean, you're beautiful sure. But so are a thousand other girls!" I start to scurry away again, backing away with my bloody palms and my injured foot and hip, but Kolby moves quickly and when he lays his body weight on me, I can move no further! He's not overtly heavy, but he may as well be a boulder as his body is solid and pressing down against mine with unnatural strength. The wrapping of his fingers around my throat, it's more terrifying than it is painful at first - it takes a moment for the blood to be restricted from my brain and the oxygen to be trapped in my lungs for the pain to begin – but then it's overwhelming. The burn in my chest! The heat pooling around his grip! My eyes pressured to the point that I squeeze my eyelids shut for fear that they may pop out of the sockets!

I don't know how I manage it, or what part of my brain took over and moved my hands to find the glass beneath us, but the moment my fingers grasp onto the large shard I stab it into his wrist, just below my chin.

When he jerks his hand away, freeing my neck, I gasp and choke and cough, sucking in oxygen and searching for more glass.

"You little doppelganger bitch!" Kolby hisses, then pounds his fist against my face…

_He's so handsome… such perfect olive skin… I wonder if he looks like his mom or his dad? Those eyelashes must be from his moms side!_

"_You're staring." I smile, his whisper surprising me._

"_I'm gazing…" _

"_It's creepy." _

"_It's romantic." God, I love him_

Blinking, my eyesight is unfocused, but I can see Kolby's face, blurry, right above me, feel him moving on top of me. "Tell you what, I'll get a little piece of you and give Elijah a run down – he's got a thing for you, you know …" His voice fades, my eyes going dark for a second time.

"_Elena, please, please, please. Elena… there's no other way!" Oh my god, oh my god. "I can't hold it."_

_I run. I run and I don't know where I'm going or if I'm going to make it but I run from him. I fight everything inside of me that's screaming – it's Stefan, you love him, he loves you, he won't hurt you – but his face and dialated eyes… I don't know… _

_Klaus. "We've got to stop meeting like this." Klaus and his playful cold tone. He's dragging me, pulling me into the cafeteria._

_Stefan! _

"_The only thing stronger than you're craving for blood, is you're love for this one girl!"_

_I love him. Stefan._

"Hey, hey now." Kolby's hand slapping at my pulsating cheek brings me back to the moment. "I want you to be awake for this." Looking me in the eyes, his face is clear, nothing but that wide smile and cold, empty gaze.

I'm confused for a moment – he's still on top of me, his weight on his elbow, his other hand… I hear a jingling of metal – blinking, shaking my head… his belt?

"I've just got to see what it is about you that the Rippah chooses over your blood – surely it can't be that intoxicating." He laughs, his knee kicking my legs further apart.

"No." My voice is weak, barely even there as I register whats happening, feel his hand unbuttoning his jeans, unzipping, then working at my panties. "No, Kolby. Stop."

Coming to, I begin to squirm beneath him, but I can barely move at all – "Yes, Elena – fight a bit, it'll make this a much more memorable experience for us both."

I feel him, I try to push my thighs together, try turning my hips one way or the other, use my bloody hands to push at his face, punch at his chest and neck, but it's not stopping him. "Ready?" He asks, and I burst into tears – shutting my eyes tightly as I can't fight him off, I can't get away.

Then I'm free. His heavy weight is gone – just a crash of books and a deep, angry growl.

Opening my eyes, I cry harder when I see Stefan – bending at the waist and grabbing my hands, pulling me to my feet – his eyes and his face an exact replica of Kolby's. I'm not scared. I want to hold him and I want him to hold me.

"Are you okay?" He asks in that growling voice, cutting his eyes to Kolby who is now on his feet and standing in the corner of my office – that smile back on his face as he fastens his pants.

I'm not okay. I'm bleeding and I've got glass stabbing into my hip and my back – but he's asking me if Kolby raped me, my other injuries are obvious. Gasping, my voice trembling, I nod, "I'm okay." Stefan has no idea how close I came that not being the case… if it weren't for Stefan… I can't even think about what would have happened!

"Stefan Salvatore, the man who never dies!" Kolby calls aloud as if he's introducing a stage act. "You sir, are a hard one to kill." Stefan takes a step between me and Kolby, acting as a shield, one hand on my side. "But you know what they say, third time is a charm!"

**MORE TO COME - Follow me IChooseStefan for comments/questions/updates**

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**Thanks for reading!**


	23. Chapter 23e

**CHAPTER 23 – THE BROKEN**

STEFAN's POV

She's okay.

Elena is bleeding and crying, and I have no idea what all has gone on to lead to her injuries, but she's okay… I got here just in time.

Damon is on his way in. Elena is okay.

The fury inside of me is brimming at the edge of my sanity…

The sight of Elena's bloody and swollen face, the image of him on top of my wife is burnt into my brain… fuel to the fire that is coming alive inside of me.

This rage...

It's boiling - taking me over. It's sweet and it's thick and feels so good to let it encompass me, take control. How long have I dreamt of this moment? Kol, the very hand that shoved a stake through my human heart and stole away my second chance, destroyed my life, destroyed Elena… here he is, standing right in front of me.

I'm doing all I can to keep control a bit longer, releasing the smallest amounts of energy – just enough to keep me from giving into the darkest side of me - fisting my hands tightly at my side and squeezing until my fingers nearly crush themselves, then straightening them – I want to save all of the wrath coursing through me for Kol.

"Go outside, Elena." I try. I really try to make my voice sound normal, less like a demonic growl, but I can't control it anymore. I can sense her standing behind me, feel her hands on my waist – I push at her hip to make her leave. The longer I stand here with Kol grinning at me, my jaw clenched and neck tense, the further I am from my humanity and the better it feels to think of what I am going to do to him.

For the first time in nearly two centuries, the part of me that finds deep pleasure in killing, the ripper that I've fought down for so long, it's finally something I will welcome to the surface – I need Elena to leave, then I'll hand myself over to the fervent monster waiting just in the wings.

"No."

"Yes, Elena. Stay!" Kol grins. "Stick around and watch me put an end to Stefan Salvatore once and for all."

I don't want Elena to see me like this. She doesn't need to know this side of me – the part of me that's going to find an immense amount of joy when I rip into him. Kol doesn't know… he has no clue how strong I am… how I'm already planning out exactly which limbs I'll pull from his torso, imagining biting through the cartilage of his neck, scraping my teeth against his vertebrae. It took me a long time to understand my strength; to learn that becoming a vampire for a second time somehow amplified my abilities.

With a strange feeling smile on my face from the thought of the violence I will inflict on him, I move my eyes from Kol for the slightest of moments and look to Elena. "Go." It's almost a whisper, through clenched teeth and that malicious smile - if she doesn't leave now, then the aftermath of filling my desires of killing Kol will be much harder after she witnesses my true nature in full force.

She looks me right in the eyes – my dark red, vengeance-hungry eyes - like there's nothing different about me, like she's looking into my human eyes, and nods just as Damon comes to the door – immediately, he moves to help Elena out of the office.

The moment she is out of the office door, safe with my brother, I come alive with malevolence – pure hatred, venom and bile coursing through me – I'm tingling, ready. Running my tongue across the bottoms of my top teeth, I wonder what concoction of human blood Kol has in his veins and how it'll taste flowing into my mouth.

"Oh come on rippah' -" Kol taunts me, taking a book from the shelf, flipping through it. "Bring her back in here and lets you and I have a little doppelganger fun."

Kol has no clue. Arrogant and ignorant. "How about you and I settle up?" I smile wider. The images of my fingers pressing through his throat, of ripping his head from his body, it's euphoric!

With a gentle raising of his eye brows, Kol gives a slight nod, then lunges at me.

And I explode. For the first time in more years than I can remember, I lay into the anger like never before, the monstrous rage that breeds inside of me…

DAMON's POV

She couldn't walk, so I picked her up and sat her on the receptionists desk. Inspecting her face – trying not to listen to fighting down the hall as I can't let myself think about the strength difference between an Original and my brother – I focus on Elena. There are some broken bones and her eye is nearly swelled shut, her limbs bloody and shaking. I need Stefan to hang on just long enough for Elena to calm down or for Bonnie to get here, then I'll help him with Kol.

"Elena." I take her face in my hands, make her look at me – I'm trying to use a calm, even keeled tone but it's coming out quicker and louder than I want. "You're okay. You're fine." She's blinking rapidly and without rhythm, the trembling of her body growing more robust, causing her breath to catch in both inhale and release. "Calm down. You're going to go into shock, Elena."

At the sound of what I assume is Stefan and Kol crashing into the wall, into the book shelves, I'm torn – I want to go back and help Stefan. But Stefan would want me to stay with Elena – calm her down, make sure she's okay.

When I catch the slight clacking of her chattering teeth, I focus on her once more – push my desires of fighting Kol to the back of my mind even as I pick up the sounds of punches and body and against body, growls and painful grunts.

"Breathe." I look into her eyes; consider compelling her to speed up the process. "Calm down."

"He's going to kill him." She cries, heavy tears streaming down her bruised face.

She's probably right – I imagine Kol snapping my little brothers neck, see Stefan dying for a third time… just as the sounds of their fight quiet down...

Fuck. What do I do? My ears are prickling with what sounds like liquid splattering onto the hardwood. Fuck. Fuck…. It's got to be Stefan's blood. Fuck. What do I do?

What would Stefan do?

He'd do what Elena wanted…"Do you want me to go help him?"

Nodding through her sobs, I leave her quickly, speeding back into the office and stopping in my tracks the moment I spot Stefan – bloody, literally covered in blood.

It's all over his face, matted in his hair, down the front of his shirt, soaked into the thighs of his pants, his hands and forearms coated… pieces of Kol, laying in a pool of crimson, at his feet. I see him lick the dripping blood from his mouth, then quickly move to one knee and force his hand into Kol's detached torso.

The Stefan that everyone knows – used to seeing. The man that walks in the sun and mingles with humans, with his calculating mind and deliberate, smooth movements – it's all a ruse. Beneath it all, under years and years of learning to suppress it, the bloody ripper standing before me has finally made its way through.

When he looks at me – jerking the thousand year old heart from Kol's chest cavity - I swear he doesn't recognize me for a long moment… and honestly, with the possessed look in my brother's eyes, I feel a little frightened.

"Stefan…" I step into the room slowly, cautiously – watching as Stefan's fingers curl into a fist, piercing the heart he's holding, demolishing it. My eyes follow a detached piece, the left ventricle maybe, as it falls to the floor and jiggles like a block of gelatin next to Stefan's boot.

He licks his bloody lips again, staring at me with dilated pupils and a strange emotion on his face – pleasure, maybe? – then empties both hands, dropping the pieces of Kol's heart and a makeshift stake into the destruction on the floor around him.

Standing, making a crude attempt at wiping his bloody face with his bloody hands, he gives a short laugh and I step back – he's full-on Ripper and, obviously, much stronger than I'd estimated.

"Are you hurt?" I ask, assessing the room – spotting Kol's head against the desk, a handless arm near the window – blood everywhere.

He exhales a grunt, shaking his head no – his eyes watching his hands in front of him like he doesn't realize they are his.

"Stefan!" Elena calls for him and he and I both look to the hallway with equally as horrified expressions as she hobbles to the door way.

My immediate thought – he's too far gone and she's too damn bloody to be around him. I ready myself to intervene, to throw myself at Stefan should he attack her, but when I look to his face the callous and cruel gleam in his eyes has disappeared and shame is quickly moving in. I'm stuck watching my brother returning to his body – his gaping mouth and wide, fearful eyes as Elena gets a good, hard look at what Stefan is when he truly lets go.

I'm shocked –flooded with confusion and envy – when Elena doesn't even hesitate, crossing the distance between the doorway and Stefan and throwing her arms around him, slamming into his chest. He's covered in Kol's blood, standing next to his limbless torso and scattered pieces of his heart, and Elena is holding him against her body like nothing is out of the ordinary.

I'm very jealous. Envious… I hate that I think of Katherine.

BONNIE's POV

"Oh my God!" I turn away the moment I step into the hallway – I can't stand the smell of the blood or to look at Stefan – it's all over him, dripping from his elbows as he carries Elena down the hall and towards me in the lobby. My stomach is in my throat as I may very well throw up, "Are you all okay?"

I cover my mouth and nose with my hand, trying to block the scent of raw meat and force the contents of my stomach to stay in place.

"We're fine. I'm scratched up, I guess. But, it's not our blood." Elena responds, grimacing as Stefan adjusts his hold on her to open the door.

"Where are you going! Where is Damon!" I turn to face them, but keep my eyes on Stefan's black, wet boots.

I wasn't even on the interstate yet when Damon called. I thought he was going to try and press me to give him Katherine's phone number, answering with a snide _"No way, Damon."_ You can imagine how my heart jumped from my chest when he told me that they were still waiting on Elena and spotted Rebekah going into the airport! I told them Elena went to her office and turned my SUV around immediately. It all seemed unreal, like it wasn't actually happening – but now, with Stefan dripping in blood and Elena's face bruised and swollen, I can't deny it.

It's all started again.

"I'm taking Elena home." Stefan responds; his voice is curt, distant and quiet – kind of hard to recognize.

Elena adds, "Damon is, he's cleaning up…"

Luckily, my stomach makes it until Stefan and Elena have left … maybe three seconds later I can't hold it any longer and I vomit into the teal and purple polka-dot waste basket by the receptionists' desk. I don't know how long I'm doubled over and dry heaving, but when it's finally over and I'm holding my stomach and trying to catch my breath, Damon calls from down the hall.

"I swear to God, Bonnie, you'd better not have thrown up on the floor!"

I stand, swallow and wipe my lips with the sleeve of my shirt. "Shut up, Damon!" I call back loudly, turning and jumping back against the desk when I realize he's only a few feet behind me now – smiling that smug smile of his. Thankfully, he's not painted red with blood like Stefan was, but I can't let my mind wonder about what he's carrying in the black plastic trash bags hanging heavy at his sides.

"Whhhh" I don't know if I should say '_What'_ or '_Who'_ _is that_… the thought that it might be a who split into two trash bags threatens to make me hurl again.

With a roll of his eyes, Damon explains, "Kol." Lifting the bags a bit and giving them a shake. "There is a reason Stefan's called Ripper!"

It's exactly what I feared the most – the Originals are back and the bags are full of pieces of the youngest of the Original family. "I need to call Jeremy! And Matt, has anyone told Matt?"

Damon purses his lips and frowns at me, waits to speak for a moment – just stares at me like I'm an idiot. "I'm pretty sure Matt already knows…" I must look confused, as he continues, "You can't think this is a coincidence – Matt's sudden change of heart just happens to go down the same day that the Original's strike?"

"Oh no…" I can't breathe, my hand coming to my mouth again – once more I feel sick, "Allie."

Damon nods, confirming my fears, just as a cell phone rings from inside one of the trash bags.

ELENA's POV

Stefan's been silent – the ride to my apartment, carrying me through the empty lobby, the elevator, helping me undress and bathe – wordless. Answering my questions, just anything to get him to speak, with single words if a nod or shake of his head wouldn't do. I know what he's thinking. I know he's worried about how I feel about what he did to Kolby – or I guess I should start calling him by his real name, Kol… I think he's going to be surprised when we finally talk about it just as he was stunned by my reaction back at the office. When I saw him, still standing, I didn't care that he was doused in blood… I wasn't scared of his vamped face or crimson eyes – I was just thankful. Thankful that my Stefan, somewhere inside of the vampire standing over Kolby's body parts, my Stefan was still alive.

In an effort to make everything as normal as possible, I've put my Iphone into the dock on my dresser and I'm sitting on my bed – my injured foot and hip keep me pretty confined – waiting for Stefan to finish showering and listening to my Stefan playlist. A big mix of easy, beautiful lyrics and melodic rhythms from Coldplay, Ron Pope, and Dave Mathews to Bon Jovi, Neon Trees, and Lana Del Ray. James Morrison's Right by Your Side is just starting when he comes from the master bathroom and I feel his eyes on me as I inspect the reflection of my throbbing face in the mirror across the room.

He stops, watching me and drying his hair with the towel, giving a heavy sigh – upset with my bruises and cuts and concerned about what we've just gone through.

I turn to face him, do my best to smile but my cheek hurts terribly, sending a burning, sharp pain behind my eye and down my neck. "It doesn't matter, Stefan." Nothing matters – not what he did to Kolby, er Kol, and not my small injuries – so long as he's alive.

He waits a moment to respond, making sure I'm finished, slipping on a clean pair of jeans that he'd packed for our trip to Charlottesville. "It does. It all matters, Elena."

He's so beautiful – my Stefan. "Come here." He hesitates, wadding the towel up, then running it over his wet, messy hair again. "I'd come to you, but –" I lift my bandaged foot off of my bed and try to smile again.

Taking a seat behind me, I lean back onto his bare chest, lace my fingers with his when he wraps his arms around me and nuzzles his face against my neck. "I was so scared I was too late." I hear his teeth grind together, "When I saw him –on top of you – "

Placing a kiss on his forehead, I inhale the warm, clean scent of him, "You saved my life, Stefan."

"I lost control." He sounds tired, sad… ashamed, maybe.

Turning in his embrace, I place my hand against his face and make him look at me, "You did what you had to do. If you hadn't showed up when you did, Kol would have raped me." Stefan cuts his gaze away, but I catch the anger flare in his eyes. "If you wouldn't have handled things just as you did, he would have killed me, Stefan. You saved my life and there is nothing for you to apologize for."

Biting at his lip, looking at my mouth, he whispers, "Aren't you worried that I'll hurt you, or Allie?"

I don't hesitate, "No." Using my thumb, I pull his lip free of his teeth, "You're the only person in this world that I know, without a shadow of a doubt, will never hurt us. I trust you… with my life, with Allie's life. You're the only one who can protect us, Stefan."

Closing his beautiful green eyes, he rests his forehead against mine, squeezes me tighter against him. "I love you so much, Elena."

STEFAN's POV

I'm in that haze, that half-way conscious point of falling asleep where time disappears and all I'm aware of is her gentle breathing against my neck and the fact that no one will hurt Elena so long as I'm holding her like this – she's safe and my arms are secure around her body. She's warm against me, the bed is soft, her damp hair smells like I have always remembered, the room is dark and cool, and Elena loves me.

I'm almost asleep – so very close – when my phone buzzes against my hip and I remember Damon and Bonnie and the pieces of Kol and the blood and Elena's broken face - when I open my eyes I'm raging once more.

I slip out from beneath her arm across my stomach and her leg over mine without jostling the bed much, but Elena gives a small whimper, a grimacing of her face and I worry that I may have hurt her foot or her hip, or one of the many other cuts and bruises on her body. After waiting to see if I've woke her, she settles quickly and I close the bedroom door behind me before I check my phone.

Damon: Let us in. We're in the hall.

Bonnie comes in as soon as I open the door, heads straight to Elena's room without looking at me and I'm fully aware of how our relationship has regressed. Damon just shrugs when I look back at him. "Witches."

"Did you take care of it?" What can I say? Did you manage to find all of the pieces of Kol and sop up the pooled blood? Was the floor stained? If Elena hadn't been hurt I would have never of left the mess for him to clean up – either way, I'm thankful my brother was there.

Damon wiggles his eyebrows at me, leaning against the door frame – he hasn't been invited in and I'm not going to wake Elena just to let Damon in. "I did you one better, brother." Smiling, he pulls a bloody cell phone from his back pocket. "We should prank call them."

"Damon." I warn with the saying of his name. He gets it. I see the playful shine in his eyes dull at bit. Still, he powers up the phone and begins flipping through the screens. "We can deal with the Original's after Elena and I go get Allie. Even if I have to compel Matt, we're bringing her back to Wilmington."

Narrowing his eyes, pursing his lips – Damon's face turns from his per usual indifferent and cool expression to a much more concerned look. "What?" I ask, confused.

"I think you may have been right…" I might be right about what? "What are the odds, Stef?"

I grab my now pounding head when it hits me – my concerns, my worries about the Originals having a hand in Matt's ultimatum. "They have her." It's a question, a statement, a fear spoken aloud… my rage is morphing into panic and I can't breathe.

"You handled Kol – we'll get her back." Damon tries to reassure me, but it doesn't help. I'm spiraling, crashing in on myself with the thought of Elijah and Rebekah… especially Rebekah, and my perfect little Allie. "I just can't figure out why they'd take her. I see why they want to kill you, and why they'd want Elena since she's the doppelganger… but a kid?"

Leverage. "They want Klaus." I don't even have to think about it.

"You have Klaus!" Damon asks in a loud, shocked whisper, glaring at me as if I'd kept a secret from him.

I shake my head no, head out to the hallway with him and shut the apartment door as I take my phone from my pocket. "I don't have Klaus, but I have the only link to bringing him back."

Flipping on my phone, I scroll through my contacts. Tap on her name and put the phone to my ear.

It takes a moment to connect the long distance call and I do a quick time zone calculation in my head. It's near 8am in Rome. After a few rings, she answers. Her voice is more grown up then the last time we spoke a few months ago, but her perfect Italian and excited tone lets me know that it's her. "Ciao, mio amico!"

Why she'd be happy to hear from me, _Hello, my friend!, _when all I do is bring trouble… I'll never know. Her grandmother, her sister – she's just as sweet and giving as they were.

"Hey, Gia. I need your help."

CAROLINE's POV

Stefan: Call me. It's urgent.

I sit up in bed – fueled with a rush of adrenaline from Stefan's message. He's never one to be overly dramatic so the word urgent probably means it's quite critical.

When he answers on the first ring, I hold my breath.

"Caroline, are you okay?"

I nod first, I can't find my voice as I've been asleep a few hours and my throat is closing up with fear. "Yes."

He sighs. "I know you're busy – with work and all – but, um." Oh God, this is going to be bad. Stefan doesn't stammer, he does _um_. "I killed Kol. Elijah has Allie. We're going to wake Klaus tonight."

I smile. I heard the part about Elijah having Allie and I heard that Stefan killed Kol… but the thought of Klaus being alive and smiling at me, or maybe even yelling at me – I can't stop my smile.

ELENA's POV

Hugging to the corner of the wall, I'm doing my best put-on, I don't want to look as achy and tired as I feel.

With his legs crossed at the ankles, I look at Damon – sitting in the open doorway, with his eyes closed and head rested back, and at first I think he's keeping a look out. When I realize he's sitting in the hallway because he's never been invited in, I speak without thinking. "Damon, come inside."

My voice catches everyone off guard – letting me know that Stefan and Damon, with their extra-sensitive hearing, are pre-occupied. Something's weighting on their mind heavily enough that neither of them picked up the sound of me hobbling out of bed and making way to the living room.

I can't put much weight on my right foot and the gouge in my left hip is still bleeding, but it's my face that makes Bonnie gasp and Damon look away when I limp into sight. I know I must look terrible when I see the pain in Stefan's glassy green eyes, his deeply furrowed brow. While brushing out my hair, I'd mentally prepared myself for their responses to my eye swollen shut and the deep purple and grey-blue bruises from where Kol punched me, so I go on with my plan to act as if I am okay and push forward. Before I can take another step, Stefan has crossed the distance between us and his arm is around my waste, lifting the majority of my weight.

"I can carry you, if you like." I look up at him with my one useable eye and nod.

Damon doesn't waste time at all, Stefan has just sat me on the couch and he's already started, "And this is why you should turn her, Stefan." I wonder if my human weaknesses have been the topic of conversation while I slept the last two and a half hours.

Bonnie gasps, snarls her face at him – disgusted with the idea.

"No, Damon." Stefan gives him a quick look, glaring at his brother sitting at the bar, then looks back to me with his beautiful, soft gaze, collecting the length of my hair in his hands and moving it off of my shoulders. "What can I get you? Are you in pain?"

Yes I am in pain – I hurt all over. But I can't answer. Damon interrupts me.

"Then at least give her some blood so she won't be such a hazard to herself! She's a sitting duck."

Stefan ignores him, gently taking my scratched and cut-up hand - kissing my fingers. "Are you hungry? I can make you something." I'm in pain and I'm starving, but my mind is focused on Damon's words – I am a hazard, to myself and to Stefan. "Coffee?"

It's still dark out and the only light in the living room is from the light in the kitchen, but Stefan's eyes are bright and green, his nude-pink lips red from how he bites at them when he's worried – something's still not right.

I look to Bonnie and though she's exhausted, her wide hazel eyes are fearful, concerned. Leaning over and resting her weight on her elbows, her hands clasp together, I watch her knead her thumbs into the skin of her hands with anxiety.

"What's going on?" I watch them share silent looks – Stefan to Bonnie, then to Damon, back to Bonnie. "Tell me."

"I think you should eat something first." Bonnie suggests, standing and moving at a too-quick pace to my kitchen. I follow her for a moment, then look to Stefan – his eyes on the floor, brow furrowed. He bites his lip again.

"Stefan?" I tug at his arm.

He inhales, licks his reddened lips, then looks at me – his green eyes sparkling with restrained tears. "We can't get ahold of Matt. Bonnie's tried calling him. Jeremy went to his apartment on campus…"

I know I'm wrong – I understand what this means, but my mind can't accept that they've got Matt, that the Originals have my daughter. "Did you look in Mystic Falls? He's probably at his mom's house. He probably went home." I'm rattling my speech and my thoughts are misaligned as I try to make sense of why he'd tell me to come to Charlottesville to discuss Stefan but then go to Mystic Falls.

Wiping at a tear running down my un-swollen cheek, Stefan shakes his head no. "Jeremy looked, Elena. He wasn't there either."

"We have a plan." Damon offers, his voice sounds so far away for some reason… maybe I'm about to pass out. "We're going to wake Klaus and Elijah will give us Allie."

I'm still looking at Stefan's face – his pained, furrowed brow and reddened lips, the worry in his telling green eyes. "How? How are we going to wake him?"

"Gia, Lindsey's sister." He's inspecting my face, trying to see if I understand – I nod. "She can do it. With Bonnie's help, she can wake him. I've called her and she's probably already on her flight by now. I won't let anything happen to Allie." I nod, focus on his evergreen eyes and squeeze Stefan's hands as I'm feeling numb and cold, light headed. "I promise, Elena. Allie is going to be fine."

"Here, drink this." Bonnie hands me a warm coffee mug, the tea tag hanging over the side. "It'll help your nerves."

My nervous tension is the least of my worries. I can't walk, I can't fight back, I can't even cry without my face hurting so badly that my breath catches in my throat.

I'm a hazard. I'm a sitting duck.

"Stefan," I say his name, then sip the tea, giving myself a moment to back out. I hold the warm, bitter liquid in my mouth for a long moment while looking at his beautiful Roman face. "Turn me."

STEFAN's POV

"No. Absolutely not." I back up. I don't know why but I let go of her hands and scoot back on the couch. Don't get me wrong, if she wanted to turn for any other reason, then I'd do it. But Elena does not want to be a vampire. I looked her in her endless brown eyes at dusk that day and she told me with full honesty that she never wants to be vampire – I'm not going to let the Originals play a hand in her decision. "No."

"I'll do it." Damon stands, like he's going to walk over to my wife and feed her his blood and end her human life.

"Sit down." I growl – I don't mean it to be so rough, but I do mean for him to sit down. I'm not far from the ripper that killed Kol and the last thing I want to do is fight with Damon. I don't know how far I could go without losing myself, losing my humanity.

For once – the first time in 172 years – Damon listens.

Half-listens. He doesn't sit, but doesn't come any closer.

"Stefan," Elena reaches for me, grimacing as she bends at the waist, extending her arms to me. "Please, I can't defend myself or Allie. I'm a problem – the weak link!"

I shake my head – as much as I want Elena to be with me for eternity, I can't. Not like this. It's tempting me, though, and I have to stand and move away from her… I'm not completely in control yet. There are many quarts of human blood flowing through me and my anger has yet to be settled in its entirety.

"She's right, brother. We're going to get ourselves killed trying to protect her."

This is one of the many times that I wish Damon had more tact – or more respect for me and my decisions. Elena becoming a vampire, me dying in order to keep her human, that's none of his concern. I'm working out a response that doesn't involve me grabbing him by the throat when Bonnie's even keeled tone swims into my ears like a cool breeze to the burning anger just below the my semi-calm surface.

"Maybe just give her your blood for now, Stefan." I look at her, leaning on the kitchen bar. Even as she speaks the words I can tell Bonnie hates this idea as much as I do. "It'll heal her injuries and if something should happen, at least she won't be dead." She'd be in transition. "Then you two can decide if she'll feed or not."

I clench my jaw, fist my hands at my sides. I do not want this.

I don't want Elena to have to make such a decision under this kind of distress – with our daughter's life dangling at the will of the Originals. I can feel her eyes on me, waiting for my response.

Surely she knows by know what I'm going to say; my default, programmed into me with the never-ending love I have for her. "Is that what you want, Elena?"

ELENA's POV

I nod. I want to be able to fight… "You don't think it's a good idea?"

I don't want to be the one making this decision – from his response, _is that what you want, Elena_ I'm sensing he doesn't like the idea at all.

"It doesn't matter what I think." Stefan lifts his wrist to his mouth, the veins around his eyes beginning to ripple, but he hesitates, pursing his lips together for a long moment before finally biting into his skin.

Considering arguing with him that it does matter – that I care about his opinion – I decide to let this one go as he's already bleeding and my face is really hurting, throbbing in pain with each beat of my heart. "What does it taste like?"

Giving a small laugh, Stefan sits on the sofa table next to me, pushes my hair back from my face with one hand and holds the other out to me, bleeding wrist up. "I have no idea what blood tastes like to humans. Probably horrible, I don't know." I stare at the pooled red liquid for a long while, silently praying I don't gag or make some terrible, offensive face. "It's going to be warm, the same temperature as your mouth, but metallic and maybe acidic. It's more dense than water, less than whole milk… slightly salty." Moving my eyes from his wrist to the calm, easy gaze he's giving me and his sweet half smile - I'm sure he's amused by my hesitation – I'm reminded again how much I love him as he tries to explain what I should expect. "I heal quickly." He reminds me with a laugh, his thumb grazing against my neck.

I nod, try a smile again to no avail – then lean to his wrist, closing my eyes when the metallic taste shocks my taste buds. I've pulled in two or three large drinks before Stefan moves his wrist from my mouth. Without thinking about it, I smile when I see the way he's looking at me – like I'm adorable – and within just a few seconds, my face hurts less… much less.

"It'll be in your system for atleast a day." His grass green eyes move from to my lips as I lick the remaining bit of his blood. "Please, Elena. Please be careful."

I want him to kiss me. I have his blood in my mouth and his hand on my neck and really want him to kiss me, but Damon interrupts.

"You're on." He calls, tossing Stefan a cell phone. "Elijah's calling for Kol."

His soft gaze hardens, sitting back, moving away from me, his neck tenses – tapping the screen and lifting the phone to his ear - the Stefan that I love slips away, into the shadows of the Stefan that ripped Kol into pieces.

STEFAN's POV

"Were you able to procure Elena as I requested?" Elijah's cold tone, even when he thinks he's speaking with his brother, it's unmistakable. His voice, his accent – Elijah hasn't changed.

"Hello, Elijah."

I wait. I can almost hear him trying to locate my voice in his head – he recognizes that it's not Kol speaking to him. I wait, let him sift through a thousand years of memories and see if I've left enough of an impact with him for Elijah to recall my voice over the many thousands of others he's dealt with in his endless life.

"Stefan." I have. Good. Wait until he learns about Kol – the third, and final brother, that I can claim responsibility for the taking of their lives. "You and I need to negotiate."

"You have my daughter?"

He pauses. "I do."

I'm not caught off guard – I knew that they had her – but the confirmation knocks me off balance for a moment. "And you want me to wake Klaus?"

"I do." Elijah clears his throat. "And I assume since you are answering Kol's phone that you have my youngest brother? You should release him, as well."

With the confirmation that he has my daughter, I'm feeling much less enthusiastic about telling him I killed Kol – but what choice do I have? May as well lay the cards out on the table. I look at Elena. She's watching me intently, as are Damon and Bonnie – I decide on my offer when I realize that Damon is the only person who can hear both sides of the conversation and he won't give me away.

"Can't do that. Kol attacked Elena, then he came at me. I'm sure you understand."

"You staked him with the white oak?"

"No. He's been dismembered."

Elijah holds his tongue for a long moment, though I hear his breathing quicken – I imagine he's as angry and upset as I would be if he was telling me he'd ripped Damon into pieces. "That is bad news, Stefan."

"I've told you before. I'll protect Elena. No matter what I have to do."

"Mmm. You've taken yet another brother away from my family, Stefan. I believe this may put an end to our negotiations."

Inhaling, I look to my brother – right in his eyes and hope he understands what I'm asking him. "I can give you another, in it's place."

He has a great poker face, but I know Damon and I catch the change in his expression.

"Oh? And who's life would that be?" Elijah sounds uninterested, like he's only humoring me by allowing me to finish. Still, I'm confident he's going to like my offer. I've managed to escape their wrath more times than they like – finally putting an end to me will be a great success for them.

"The only one I have to give you."

Damon bows up, his nostrils flare and I stare at him harder, sending silent pleads for him to keep quiet. I don't want Elena to find out like this. I'll tell her. When we're alone and I've told her how much I love her and how much I love Allie and I explain why I have to do this… but I don't want her to find out like this.

"Stefan Salvatore is going to hand over his life?" I can hear Elijah's smile through his normally emotionless voice. "Just like that?"

Damon shakes his head at me – I nod. "Just like that."

It seems like a long time of silence on the phone and Damon's icy glare burning into my face, but finally Elijah says, "I'll release your daughter unharmed, you'll wake Niklaus and surrender to my siblings and I?"

"Yes. Release her to us before the ritual to wake Klaus."

"We have a deal."

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	24. Chapter 24

**CHAPTER 24 – The Broken**

ELENA's POV

It's been seven weeks, but I still feel like an intruder in this house. I've had a rough night and the morning has not helped to make me feel any better – not about being in Spain, not about being away from Stefan. I have ups and downs – this morning is a down – where I go from thinking a summer semester abroad was the best idea I've ever had, to feeling awash with guilt for changing my plans so suddenly and asking Stefan to stay in Mystic Falls – squashing our last ditch effort at saving something between us... I don't know if we'll ever be the same and that thought is a crushing weight to my soul.

Right now – after a restless night's sleep and with another six weeks to go - I wish he were here.

I guarantee you I'd be in better spirits. That's what he does to me. Even in our worst of times, if I peel away whatever negative emotion I'm experiencing on the surface – anger, jealousy, fear – deep down I'm happy and I'm satisfied just to be near Stefan… just to call him mine.

Don't get me wrong, Adele and Felix have been very kind and incredibly warm by welcoming me into their home, treating me like family and showing me the ways of Spain – but walking through the hallway and into their small kitchen, I feel just as tense and nervous as I did on that first morning... my missing Stefan has increased tenfold, that's the only diffence.

On my tip-toes, trying not to make the old red wood floor squeak – for some reason I'm afraid to make noise even though Adele left for her twelve hour shift at the hospital more than half an hour ago and I can hear Felix working on a piece of music he's composing – a piano and violin combination that reminds me of a slow rain. You'd just have to hear it – the chord progression from the violin is nimble and light and high on the scale… it's just like a rain shower in spring.

He worked on it late into the night – I blame him and that song for my thoughts of warm rain and the endless dreaming of green eyes and golden-wheat colored hair.

I've made my way to the small refrigerator as close to silent as I can – unlike the US, even the well-to-do families of Spain like Dr. and Mr. Ortiz, are conservative and everything is smaller. The houses, the rooms inside of the houses, the furniture, and appliances – everything is much less grand, much more functional. Like usual, I don't have an appetite for breakfast, but it's just habit to stare into the fridge for a moment before I settle on coffee before heading out to class.

Today, a glass canister of fresh squeezed orange and lime juice catches my eye, but as I reach for it – deviating from my pre-class routine -my cell phone dings from the backpack on my shoulder.

Damon: Still not talking to me?

Ana is probably at work already and Cruz always sleeps late – the time difference in Mystic Falls to Barcelona keeps communication down between me and my friends from home - so I wasn't expecting a message from anyone… but I feel my heart sink a bit, a frown coming to my face when I read Damon's text and silently wish the youngest Salvatore would break my no contact rule. Still, it's been close to two months since I've talked with Damon, and again, breaking from my routine, I text him back.

Elena: Can you please respect my wishes, Damon?

After pouring a tall glass of the juice, I sit the canister back into the fridge and have just swallowed a long drink of the fresh, sweet liquid when my phone dings again.

Damon: I have something to talk to you about – very important. Can't wait.

Damon: Plus I miss you frowning at me

I choke a bit on my juice as I release an unexpected laugh – imagining the thousands of times I've frowned at him. That's what Damon Salvatore does to me – frustrates me and aggravates me and pushes all the wrong buttons, but for the life of me I just can't not be his friend… I feel closer to Stefan when Damon and I are on good terms. Trust me, I realize how wrong of a statement that is given the very recent criss-crossing of the three of us – the _triangle. _But it's the truth. It's the very reason there is a triangle at all! When Stefan left with Klaus, my only tangible evidence that the man I've loved from the moment I looked into his grass green eyes even existed was his brother, Damon.

In the back of my mind, deep deep in my heart I was holding hope that when Klaus released him, Stefan would come back to me. With his calming gaze and gentle hands, I secretly thought we'd just go back to the way things were… I was so wrong. Honestly, it was harder for me to watch him giving into his darkness on his own free will while taking out his revenge on Klaus than when he was compelled to feel nothing.

I've seen glimpses of him – the real Stefan, with his easy smile and quiet confidence. Stefan has been trying so very hard. _I just can't be the man you need me to be, Elena. _What he doesn't know is I'll love him through it all, forever, no matter what. I just need him to open up to me again. It makes my heart ache for him when I think of just how hard he's working to find himself again - the darkness that he can't completely rid himself of had nearly taken him over when working for Klaus, then once he was released from the compulsion – he was so angry. I think of that sometimes – of his forceful and consuming rage. When I'm alone or lost in a daze, I think of Stefan choosing darkness over us… it's something that continues to creep into my mind, a dark and thick shadow of doubt, every time I think that he and I might find one another again.

A shiver runs through me.

Always cautious of energy usage, the Ortiz kitchen is probably 74 degrees and the summer sun is beating in on me through the open courtyard window over the sink, but I shiver… Stefan can be the most kind, most gentle, most loving man – but there is this cold, void, version of him that scares me. Truly terrifies me. For so long everyone looked to Damon and thought, he's the one to be afraid of; Damon is the one you should keep an eye on.

Damon is harmless when compared to Stefan and the darkness inside of him – a piece of Stefan that sends both waves of fear through me and weakens my knees at the same time and with equal degrees of force. It's not what he's done in the past or his endless cravings, but that just below the surface level of danger that adds to the million other aspects of Stefan that I yearn for – it's like playing with fire.

Leaning against the counter and staring into my juice, I get lost in my thoughts of Liam Grant's name written on the wall in Chicago, the way Stefan spoke to me outside of that club. When I hugged him. When I pulled his body to mine and he was rigid and cold and his hands never touched me. That night on Wickery Bridge – I couldn't recognize him anymore – I couldn't find any part of the man I love in his eyes... His wild, dilated eyes looking at me with his blood on my lips – I almost miss my phone dinging as my mind replays the engine growling as we sped towards my threatened death.

Damon: Are you about to leave for class? What is it, almost 8am in Barcelona?

Damon mentioning the time gets me back on track – If I don't leave now I'm going to miss the bus, so I pour out my orange juice and take a few deep breathes to loosen my lungs that have grown tight with memories of Stefan in his darkest of times. On my way out of the front door, I grab Jena's Kate Spade umbrella just in case and hold it under my arm, then send a text back.

Elena: Yes. Gotta go! Talk to you later, maybe.

It's against my rule – no contact with the Salvatore's – but I'm feeling weak and scared and lonely now that my peaceful dreams of Stefan's green eyes and running my hands through his hair have been stolen by those haunting memories. I re-read it, double checking if I want to give him hope that I might call him at some point today, and tap send when I decide it's pretty open-ended. I'll go to class, have lunch with Ana and Cruz, maybe explore downtown and visit that bookstore I found last week – by the time I make it back to the Ortiz house I'll have rid myself of those memories of Stefan that make me weak for Damon.

Confident with my plan, I'm only a couple yards away from the front steps of the building that I've called home for almost two months – with its terracotta stucco and French windows and window boxes of blooming flowers – when I decide that if I can break my rule for Damon, I can break it for Stefan too. I'm flipping through my list of messages, looking for the last time Stefan and I spoke so I can send him an _I miss you, how was your day? _text when my cell buzzes again.

Damon: It's not going to rain. No need for the umbrella.

I stop.

I nearly trip.

My eyes are reading the text and my body is frozen – my mind secretly hoping that both the Salvatore Brothers have come to visit me – and I hear Damon clear his throat. I know it's Damon, he has a very unique way of speaking, of doing everything really. A nervous smile takes over my face and I hold my breath as I turn in place.

It's a bad sign that I don't feel that chest pressure thing that started once Stefan started gaining control again… Good lord, every time I'd get around Stefan I'd be tense and tingling and breathless – it became kind of ridiculous, it was so jolting! But I'm hoping that maybe some time apart has eased that strange frequency and that's why I'm feeling nothing… just normal and no tug, no push and pull… I just want him to be here too. I want Stefan to be here.

If I'm honest, the moment I see Damon leaning against a red BMW – shabby hair, cold blue eyes, leather jacket and all in this 75 degree weather… alone – I am crushed. I wanted _just _Stefan to be here. I am crushed. I am quickly becoming pissed off that Stefan would let Damon come while he stayed home.

My smile nearly fades… growing angry and feeling rejected by the man I love but haven't even hardly touched in nearly a year –I force the smile back on my face. Damon is here. Damon came to see me.

He's constant and dependable and he is here.

Before he can speak, I've dropped my bag on the ground and wrapped my arms around his neck, passionately kissing my soulmates brother and hating myself for being so stupid and weak and immature.

What am I doing? Pull away from him!

My brain is screaming at me, my heart breaking as I picture the way Stefan's eyes fell from my face when I told him about the first time I kissed his brother. But I'm angry. I'm angry and I'm lonely and I'm terrified that the Stefan I love may be lost forever so I press into Damon even more, kissing him hard, fisting my hands in his jacket and I force myself to be as into this kiss as he is.

I'm dressed. The moment Damon fell asleep I slipped out of bed and released the tears I've been forcing back ever since he collapsed, breathless and spent, on top of me – the moment gone, only the aftermath of what I've done remains. I cried so hard that my hands were shaking and my eyes were blurred with heavy tears and I could barely fasten my bra. I don't want him to know that after he made love to me, declared his love for me, and while he is currently sleeping off the rush and crash of sex, I'm bawling and utterly disgusted with myself. I don't want him to know how badly I wished my imagination was better… how badly I wanted him to be Stefan. Every kiss, I tasted Stefan.

What have I done…

I'm hiding in the bathroom as I can't go back into the hotel room with him – I just can't. I can't look at that bed where I've committed a crime against my Stefan.

I cheated on Stefan.

The words sound like they aren't supposed to be together in a sentence – at least not one coming from my mouth... my lips that belong to him. I cheated on Stefan – it's just jumbled up syllables that should mean nothing, they shouldn't carry so much weight, they shouldn't be suffocating me with guilt. I cheated on Stefan. With Damon. I slept with Damon… I have no excuse, nothing I can say will ever make this okay.

It doesn't matter that Stefan and I haven't been much more than cordial with one another since Jena and John's funeral… I belong to him. My heart, my soul, my body… I'll always be Stefan's, and yet I've tainted our love by allowing another man to have me. The thought brings me down, right to my knees and I have to cover my mouth with both hands to keep from whimpering loud enough that will surely wake Damon – my accomplice.

No, my victim.

I've never loved Damon like I love Stefan – I never will. But I use him. I use him to keep me company and to keep me close to Stefan and to take his place when I'm too scared to beg him to love me again.

I'm disgusted with myself for double-crossing Stefan, for defrauding the timeless, never ending love that we share – and I'm ashamed for how I spent the time in Damon's arms comparing each and every sensation to Stefan. It's easy to compare - so difficult not to. Stefan knows me, his fingers know my skin and his lips know my kisses and his tongue knows my taste. Damon is far from inexperienced or lacking, but he is not Stefan.

Where Stefan makes me lose myself in friction and heat and heavy breathing, Damon was forceful and controlling and undisciplined. His kisses too hard and fast, like a fleeting emotion rather than a deep seeded desire – Stefan has spent hours slowly exploring me to the point where I've had to beg him, unable to absorb any more teasing pleasure. He's passion and love made real, so controlled in every touch, every kiss… just pure perfection. The way he holds my hand, touches my lower back when we walk. His soft green gaze from across a room. The warmth and safety of his embrace. I'll never find that in anyone else and I may have lost it forever.

"Elena?" Damon's voice startles me and I silently pray that I locked the door as I get to my feet and wipe my wet face.

"Yek-" I have to clear my throat, too many tears and too much emotion, and maybe even the possibility of me throwing up, they're all stuck in my throat. "Yes?"

I turn on the faucet and give my puffy-eyed face a quick look before splashing it with a handful of cool water just as Damon opens the door. The handle made a cracking sound when he turned it, telling me I must have locked it but his vampire strength gave it no mind.

Trying to play it off – the red around my eyelids, my swollen lips, my bloodshot eyes – I grab a folded white hand towel from the lavatory to pat my face dry and hide behind, escape from his glare. I don't want to see his face. I just want this to be a nightmare. I want to be alone. I want to have never of let him kiss me on the porch of my parents home so many months ago.

"You're crying?" He may as well be asking me what time it is, Damon's voice is cool and emotionless. I don't have to look at him to know he's got his brow raised and wide eyes. With my face still in the towel – much too long for it to be nonchalant – I shake my head no as tears begin to fall again. "You love me, Elena. You don't have to feel guilty about it. Stefan's lost his mind… he's gone!" When Damon says his name my heart jumps into my throat and I whimper into the towel as my crying grows stronger. I'm sure he heard it when I feel his hands grasp my upper arms tightly, almost painfully, and he shakes me a bit, turning me to face him and forcing my hands and the towel from my face. "You – love. me."

It's like he's trying to force me to feel love for him. Force me to say it... I don't resist – too weak and already a villain, I've already committed the crime. "I love you."

His fingers release some of the pressure they were inflicting into my arms, his brow relaxing and a warmth in his eyes that I've never seen before… it disappears soon after I add, "But not like I love Stefan."

I love Damon - I love him like a woman should love a man – it's fun and it's not forced and, really, the way I love Damon is probably what the majority of the world knows love to be. But_, I know_ it's subpar. I know it's not true – the way I love Damon is nothing in relation to my love for Stefan… again, comparing. Comparing the paramount to the mediocre.

I'd do anything, be anyone, go anywhere… there is nothing that could ever change my devotion for him, the way I love Stefan.

The world has turned against us, vampires and werewolves, and hybrids, Stefan's dark side and my immaturity – it's all tried to rip us apart, to break us and divide us. But I'll always love him.

I'll always find my way back to Stefan.

"Elena…" Damon lets me go, backs away. "Elena." Maybe it's the tears in my eyes, but his face is blurring – blinking seems to be making it worse… "Elena, wake up."

Opening my eyes to find the decorative ceiling tile in my apartment, I'm surprised to find myself in my bed. In Wilmington.

"Hey, Stefan just called. He and the witch are on their way." Damon is standing next to my bed, his eyes on a framed picture of Allie that he's holding gently in his hands. "You should get up and get dressed – we'll need to leave pretty soon."

Without thinking about it, I put my hand against my face and start to rub my eyes – I don't know how long I've been asleep, but the sun is up and, to my delight, my face feels normal and doesn't hurt at all. The reminder of Stefan's blood in my body, it makes me warm – I miss him.

"You're all healed up." Damon sighs, sitting Allie's picture back in its place on my bedside table, then taking a seat on the edge of the mattress. I note that he moved to the end of my bed before sitting.

Inspecting his profile as his eyes search the floor, I wonder if my dream was accurate of our time in Barcelona – I wonder if he's thinking of Spain too as he appears much more tense than usual, uncomfortable, like he's keeping a secret. I know that pre-compulsion Elena was disgusted with herself for whatever happened when he surprised her in Spain, but she never wrote about what actually occurred – no details. Most of the time that weekend was referred to as 'my regretful weekend in Damon'.

As I push myself up into a seated position, my mouth opens and words escape my lips before I have time to consider what I'm asking – "Did we sleep together? In Spain?"

I can't remember much about Damon – nothing good at all really – but I must know him pretty well because I see a slight break in his demeanor as he registers my question. "Why, are you interested in starting the triangle up again?" He laughs, awkwardly.

I know he's trying to be funny, but I feel like I should qualify myself – make sure he understands that I am not confused like pre-compulsion Elena _claimed_ she was. "No. I don't." I pause; hope that he understands my commitment to those words, to his brother. "But I had a dream, or maybe a flashback," I'm reminded of my hazy visions after Kol hit me, "I wasn't exactly kind to you… afterwards."

Always quick on the draw, he gives a response that, though it sounds like he's being aloof, I know there is a lot of truth in it, "Ah, nothing that a couple of nights with Katherine and four years of solitude couldn't fix."

I laugh when he laughs, moving my legs from beneath the covers and sitting on the edge of the bed near my pillow. We're both looking straight ahead, 3 feet between us.

"Still, for what it's worth, I'm sorry that you got hurt. It shouldn't have happened…" I remember what I read in my journals about Denver and then how I agreed to marry and turn for Damon when I was drowning in grief for losing Stefan, then the sneaking around. "None of it."

With a nod, he accepts my apology, then stays quiet for a long moment. I've began planning out what I should pack and trying to prepare myself for coming face to face with Elijah and Rebekah when Damon finally speaks, "I guess if we're doing the whole closure bit, I should say my piece too." I turn to face him and he's looking at me, pursed lips and knitted brow. "I knew that you didn't want me over him. I knew what I was doing and I regret putting you two through that. It was – selfish, of me. I just wanted to get back at him, for. for Katherine, I guess… just once, I wanted to win."

Again, my heart speaks before I can filter, "Katherine loves you, Damon." I don't know how I know this, but I am certain that it's true, Katherine loves Damon.

His frown grows deeper as he turns away from me, giving a laugh as he says, "Yea, nothing like vervaining a guy and letting him rot to show you're love."

I can't help but smile - the doubtful Salvatore brothers – always ready to deny themselves of love, never able to believe they're worthy – Stefan and Damon are completely opposite and completely similar at the same time.

Standing, I put my hand on his shoulder and wonder how I ever mistook the feeling of friendship that we have for anything more. "You'll see. She'll come around one day when you least expect it."

We share a look for a long moment – two people that care for each other and share a deep connection to a central force, Stefan. We are comrades, family. When I turn to go, Damon holds my wrist and frowns deeply. He looks worried, conflicted – his lightening blue eyes cutting from my face to the picture of Allie now back on my bedside table. "Elena, if you need anything, ever. I want you to know you can come to me. In anyway I can, I'll help you and Allie."

What a strange thing to say… still I smile and give him a nod. "I know."

STEFAN's POV

"I am so very sorry, Stefan." Gia bites her nails – speaking in Italian and curled up in the passenger seat, looking at me with her wide light brown eyes that remind me so very much of her sister, Lindsey. "I feel so badly that it has come to this, to taking your Alexia."

Gia and I have kept in close contact over the last four years – very close. Though the vervain fields around her caretakers residence keeps me from being able to visit at her home, she and I have met many times for lunches and dinners and trips to Rome where I've taken her shopping for school clothes and birthday gifts. Until recently, we didn't go more than a week or two without speaking. I owe Gia so much – my life, really… She and Lindsey gave me four months to be human with Elena, in turn, giving us Allie.

It's terrible that I am requesting that she put herself in danger once again.

Though my Italian isn't quite as spot-on as hers, I respond in her native tongue. "There's nothing you or anyone else could have done. It was inevitable… they were going to learn about Allie and they'd have their leverage over us." When she reaches to me, taking my hand in hers, I'm a little uncomfortable. It's silly, she's always been like this – touching and loving and almost motherly with me – but Gia is much less little, petite girl and much more blossomed than I had expected a fifteen year old to be. The moment I saw her coming from the terminal, I made a mental note to fend off Damon's sure-to-come advances before he has much of a chance of making a move.

I know Damon – the circumstances, her age, the fact that he killed her sister – none of that will matter when he sees Gia. She's truly a beautiful girl.

Still, it feels weird for her to be holding my hand as she looks so much like her sister – I don't move away though; there is nothing between Gia and I that has even an inclination of inappropriateness. "So you will be able to wake him then?"

Gia nods, still looking at me and I can sense the sadness even though I'm watching the road. "But, it has to be balanced, Stefan. Remember?" I nod, I remember… how could I forget. An equal trade; you must give a soul to gain a soul – a life for a life. Her quivering voice makes my stomach muscles tense to a near cramp when she asks, "It will be you then?"

Squeezing her fingers, I shrug, cutting my eyes over to her – now she's starting to cry and is almost an exact replica of Lindsey. I give a laugh, trying to make light of the situation at hand. "Of course. She's my daughter."

I keep my eyes on the road – suddenly realizing that I am going to die. I won't see Allie grow up, not even from afar… I will never hear her laugh or see her sleeping face again. After today, I'll never again kiss Elena's sweet lips or hold her against my body, today will the last time I ever see her endless and clear, loving eyes.

DAMON's POV

I've got to get some air. Some blood.

It's taking all of the energy I can muster to keep Stefan's self-sacrificing secret from her. I know what he's doing. I understand. I'd do it if I could, but the Original's don't want me… they want my brothers life.

As pissed at Stefan as I am, I can't seem to find another way. There's nothing else he can trade for Allie. We're down in the game, fighting up hill.

I wait until I hear the faucet start in the master bathroom before I take off – moving quickly through the apartment – eyes wet with tears and throat dry for blood. I knew it. I knew Stefan getting with Elena would lead to his death – hell it's history repeating three times over! Only this time, there is no quick spiking of wine or spelled lamb's blood. This will be it for my brother. This will be the end of Stefan.

I'm nearly to the door when I catch Caroline's voice coming from the hallway – she's on her phone – I'm a bit shocked by the relief I feel knowing that she's here. Not because I like her, but because I now have an idea.

Giving her my best smile, I close the apartment door behind me as I step into the hallway.

"Damon, hey!" Caroline looks amazing – a smile the size of the sun on her face. The fact that she's happy like this, smiling with the thought of Klaus being brought back to life, it just reassures me that if anyone should die, it should be her.

"Stefan's not back yet, so let's get someone to eat."

STEFAN's POV

I wish it was this easy to connect with another vampire. There's a strange kinship between Gia and Bonnie – we haven't been here more than five minutes and already they're sharing long, knowing looks and discussing the in's and out's of what needs to be done. I've never talked with Bonnie about Gia, and I don't know what, if anything, Elena remembers about her, but somehow, Bonnie instantly falls into a lesser role. Gia is a powerful witch – probably the most powerful witch I've ever known – that, combined with the odd maturity she carries, creates an authoritative and influential vibe. It's nice – watching Gia and Bonnie, much better than listening to her shaky voice and hearing her sniffles as she cried about what we have to do.

There's no other way. This is how I'll love my daughter and how I'll dedicate myself to my wife.

Still standing near the door, Bonnie and Gia have made their way to the couches and are quietly talking while I'm lost in the thoughts of everything I'm going to miss when I hear Elena's feet padding across her bedroom floor – she's out of the shower.

I've got a few hours to hold her. Just a bit longer to experience the woman I was meant to love but should have never laid eyes on.

Taking a deep breath, I begin towards her bedroom in slow steps. My legs feel rebellious – they don't want this any more than the rest of my body – aching as my brain forces them to close the distance.

Facing me, Elena is finishing up packing, not quite fully dressed in a long sleeved tee shirt and panties, with her hair still wet from her shower and hanging down her back like ropes, I inhale the scent of her. Imprinting it into my mind. Filling my lungs with her.

When her eyes find me, she smiles – that beautiful, earth-shattering smile that I loved the instant I saw it, the smile that breaks me and heals me and gives me a sense of purpose. I've spent the last six years of my life wishing I could make her smile just once more – every time I want another. I can never get enough of her glowing eyes. The fanning of her dark, long lashes. From the small feminine chin to her slightly arched eye brows, Elena's face is perfect and beautiful, it's heart stopping when she smiles – one more time is never enough.

After today, I'll never see her smile again.

"Hey," She sighs, stopping in the middle of folding a garment. "I missed you."

Telling myself to hold it together, I press my teeth into my bottom lip, exhaling as I try and think of what I can say, how I am going to explain that yet again, I'm leaving her. When her eyes move to my mouth, the biting of my lip, I quickly release it - but it's too late. Her smile is fading, brow knitting together.

"What is it, Stefan?"

I should tell her – she deserves to know that this is goodbye. Elena deserves to know that when we meet Elijah and Rebekah in Mystic Falls, I will not be coming back to Wilmington with her and Allie. I want to tell her, the words are stuck in my throat, my vocal chords paralyzed for the moment by the loss of Elena's smiling face, the worry in her clear eyes. She's growing more nervous, more upset as I try and quickly play through my options – I can tell her and spend our last few hours together dreading leaving her in tense silence, a slow goodbye that will cause our last memories of each other to be images of tear-filled eyes and pursed lips, of destroyed plans of our life together and broken hearts.

Or I can let the gravity take me over, pull me to her – I close the distance between us, cup her beautiful face in my hands and inhale her into my body. I can kiss her lips like this, soft and slow, remembering the way our mouths move together in perfect rhythm, how her hands feel against my waist. I can just give into the selfish man inside of me that wants to picture Elena smiling, remember the way she moans softly into my mouth when I slip my arms around her and press our bodies together. The proud man that wants her to remember me as strong and hopelessly in love with her and ready to begin our future. Moving my mouth to her neck, closing my eyes as I taste her skin and feel her hands in my hair, I know I should tell her – I just don't think I can.

I'm fighting with myself and resisting the frequency even as it moves us to the bed. Laying my body on top of hers – my hands touching her skin like they'll never feel her warmth again. She pulls my shirt up and over my head about the same time that my fingers have peeled off her tank top and the skin to skin contact is almost too much – knowing what I know. I have to stop, one hand in her hair, the other pulling her leg up around my waist and her mouth against my chest – I have to tell her. I can't do this to her. As much as I want to make love to her just once more – she deserves the truth.

I pull back, lifting myself off of her just a bit, my weight on fully extended arms, hands pressing into the mattress just above her shoulders. "Elena –" I swallow hard, breathless from the way I want her and my body still fighting with my brain. I wish I had the words to explain to you how beautiful she is looking up at me like this with her lips reddened from my kisses and eyes full of love for me. It fills me with pride at the same time that it cuts into my soul… I'll never see her look at me like this again. "I love you."

She smiles and I have to tense my every muscle to hold myself in place, to keep my heart from winning out over my brain and letting my body make love to my wife. I'm about to speak – to continue with my confession – but I pause too long.

"I belong to you, Stefan." I feel myself frown, shocked and caught off guard – filling with warmth and our gravity pulling me, pushing me. With those words – words that I've longed to hear, that I'd believed would never come from Elena's lips – my brain loses out to the never-ending love I have for my wife.

ELENA's POV

I'm still on fire – replaying every kiss and every touch in my mind as I watch him come from my bedroom, our eyes locking for the smallest of moments, sharing a knowing smile, before Gia calls to him. Letting my eyes follow him, his Greek God body moving fluidly and with a confident grace, I exhale through pursed lips – shaken by my love for Stefan.

"We should probably talk now." I hear Gia say, her Italian accent is beautiful, but it gives her tone an ominous sound. Like we're about to discuss something terrible, dreadful. Stefan was so confident after he talked with Elijah, I don't really understand why everyone seems so desponded now.

Stefan is frowning, almost brooding when he looks at me from his seat next to Gia, across from Bonnie. He gives a nod – it could be an 'ok lets talk' nod, but I register it as a 'come to me' gesture. I don't second think it, picking up my half full mug of black coffee and going to his side. The moment his hand slips over knee, resting his forearm on my thigh, I lay my head on his shoulder and offer him my coffee.

Bonnie and Gia are talking, but my high is crashing and I'm getting anxious and nervous - calmed only by Stefan's hand on my leg and the comfort between us as he sips from my coffee cup, then kisses my hair. Bonnie's voice saying my name grabs my attention away from planning out our future – raising Allie together like it should have been all along. "Elena, I don't think you should stay here. I know Elijah says that this will be a truce, but he could never control Klaus…" Turned her eyes to Stefan, she adds, "I think she and Allie should run."

His hand grasping my inner knee, Stefan looks at my face as if he's contemplating something, working out a puzzle in his head.

"Yes, I agree." Gia says with a soft sigh, sitting a small, leather drawstring bag on the coffee table. "I have only a bit of the fig tree powder left. There will be no more of this incantation once it is gone. Going into hiding is best for all."

Leaning back against the couch, I brush his hair back with my fingers, his green gaze directly into my brown, "Ok, then that's what we'll do. Whatever it takes to keep her safe." My voice is even and confident – Stefan gives me strength.

The four of us sit in silence for a long while – Stefan and I looking into each others eyes, silently speaking to one another with our frequency warm and easy between us – Bonnie wringing her hands and Gia reading through a grimoire, her lips forming the words without sound. Finally, Bonnie stands, breaking the heavy atmosphere around us.

"We should pack you up then Elena – get the things that you want to take."

I nod as Stefan adds, "I'll run down to the bank, close my accounts." Rubbing his forehead roughly, he looks at his watch with a deep frown, "We need to leave in half an hour."

"I'll help pack." Gia smiles at Stefan, rubbing his shoulder in wide circles – it's a weird expression, the way she's smiling. I can only liken it to how you smile at someone when you say _its going to be okay_ when it's obvious that its not.

Squeezing my leg a bit harder, I can't figure out the emotion in Stefan's eyes – sadness, pain, anger maybe? - when he finally releases his hold on me, standing. When he leans over, pressing his lips against my forehead in a long lingering kiss, I'm even more confused when he leaves me sitting on the couch and turns away from me, heading to the door, biting his lip.

BONNIE's POV

I know it. I already know it. But I can't stop myself from prying, asking if Stefan told her or not. I know he didn't! I know it because she would be curled up into a ball on his lap, crying and begging for him to find another way. Instead, Elena is humming a Kate Nash song as she fills a second box with items she's taking with her.

"There are some boxes in the hallway closet with Allie's baby stuff. When you and Jeremy come to put everything in storage, would you mind taking those home with you?" I nod, feeling sorry for Elena being ignorant to the fact that she's agreed to run without knowing she'll be running alone. I purse my lips together tightly as I remind myself that Stefan must be keeping his plans secret for a reason… maybe he has a way out of the soul for a soul balance that Gia told me about – or maybe he knows Elena will crumble with the truth.

"So," I'm silently reprimanding myself for being so pushy and nosey even as I'm butting in. "did Stefan tell you the plan, how all of this is going to go down?" Trying to keep my face away from Elena's eyes, I continue to shove her clothes into the black suitcase laying on the bed in front of me as Elena hands me items from her chest of drawers. "I know we're supposed to meet them at the old witch house, but then what?"

"Then we get Allie." Elena sighs loudly. "That's all I know… did Gia tell you about the spell?"

I almost don't hear her, my ears ringing with anger and my heart pounding hard in my chest. When she's quiet for too long, my brain registers what Elena asked and I answer in a too-quick, loud voice, "Yea! I mean, no." Elena frowns at me, an unsure smile on her face. Shrugging, I do like I always do when I'm nervous, pursing my lips into a sideways line before returning Elena's smile – though mine is much more confident, hopefully not obviously forced to be that way, "I should go talk to her about that."

Moving quickly, I don't stick around to discuss any further as I'm about to crack. I have to hold my breath until I get out of her room and through the hall, entering Allie's yellow bedroom before I finally exhale. The burst of air coming from me startles Gia, kneeling in the floor and packing Allie's clothes into the pink and brown embroidered duffle bag that Jeremy and I bought her for Christmas. She's about to ask me 'what', but I start in before she can speak.

"He didn't tell her!" I say in a quiet whisper of a scream, closing the door behind me.

ELENA's POV

The monitor in Allie's room stays on all the time. All the time. It's just habit to leave it on, with the volume turned down low.

I nearly miss the sound of Bonnie's voice – I'm humming and my mind is worried and confused by how Stefan left with his teeth biting into his lip like he does when he's worried and now Bonnie is acting odd – so I almost do not catch her loud whisper coming through the monitor in Allie's room. Honestly, I'm not sure I actually heard anything until Gia responds – her Italian accent carries through much better as she must be closer to the mic.

"It is Stefan's choice, Bonnie."

The silence lasts a long while, probably twenty seconds. I almost gave up – my thumb moving to turn off the monitor, figuring that they must have left Allie's room or Gia's response ended the conversation. By the time Bonnie speaks again I'm sitting on the edge of my bed and holding the monitor in my hands with the volume turned up a bit. "Maybe he's figured out another way?"

"No, there is no other way."

Speaking a bit louder, Bonnie stresses, "There has to be, Gia. Stefan wouldn't do this to her…"

My heart sinks low, the beating slows to a near stop – Stefan wouldn't do what?

"No. There is not. This magic is thousands of years old. Since the beginning of Rome… once he ingests the powder, that will be the end of the ancient fig tree and this kind of spell. If there was another way, Lindsey and I would have found it."

"And you can't bring him back? Even with the fig tree?"

Bring him back…

"No, the powder releases his soul and the spell you and I will read will offer him in exchange – it's the only way."

Releases his soul…

No.

No. This isn't happening again. I'm not going to lose my daughter and I'm not going to let Stefan die. Standing, determined, I drop the monitor on the floor with a loud clatter and move quickly out of my bedroom. I'm just entering the living room when I hear Allie's bedroom door open.

"Elena, is everything okay?" Bonnie calls.

I ignore her – focused even through the tears in my eyes... the realization that I must give her up in order to save her, it's breaking me, slicing through me and making ribbons of my soul.

I feel their eyes on me as I make it to the sofa table, taking the small leather bag in my fist.

Run. Go into hiding. For what? I can't protect us! Stefan is the only person who can keep Allie safe – not me. I'm a problem, a sitting duck. In the end, Klaus will find us and kill Allie and drain me and Stefan will have died for nothing! If Allie is going to survive – it she's going to grow up and make it through this mess of a life that Stefan and I have created for her, then it will be because of Stefan, not me. I don't have the ability to protect her, to run with her.

"Elena, NO!" Bonnie yells just as I tip the dry, sandy powder into my mouth.

I'll go. I'll take the weight, I'll bare the cross.

I love him.

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	25. Chapter 25

**CHAPTER 25 – THE BROKEN**

STEFAN's POV

I can't take my eyes off of her.

There's something about the way sunlight sits on Elena's skin, reflects from each individual strand of her dark hair, absorbs into her clear, chocolate brown eyes – it's mesmerizing, simply beautiful. I could watch her like this for the rest of my life…

We drove the four and half hours in silence, less the radio playing through her _I love Stefan_ playlist. Can you believe that? She loves me. Elena loves me. I'm blessed with this knowledge. A monster like me, loved by an innocent, pure heart like hers. In the silence I've come to grips with the situation – made peace with the fact that today will be last. I'm not happy about it, I'm still destroyed – fighting the urge to scream at the top of my lungs – but I'm okay. With the money I've saved and made over my 172 years, Elena and Allie can run and be safe – stay under the radar and stay alive. It's all I've ever wanted, since the moment I saw Elena's face still wet with the waters of Wickery Creek, I just wanted her to live.

I've had years with Elena and one unforgettable night with my daughter; that is so much more than a creature like me could ever deserve.

I have been lucky. What I thought was a curse – being undead for nearly two centuries, watching each and every person I've ever cared for die, constantly fighting with myself to stay on path, to resist the blood lust; every second of pain and sorrow and regret – it was all worth it, all those things led me to this moment – watching Elena in the sunlight, her eyes full of love for me and bright with life.

Damon keeps glaring at me from Caroline's rental car parked behind Elena's SUV. He and I need to talk. I need to tell him goodbye. But right now, I just can't tear my eyes away from Elena, from my wife, the love of my life. I'm leaning against the fender of her Explorer, Elena across from me, Bonnie and Gia to my left, Caroline to my right; we're standing in a loose circle and discussing the plan.

I'm listening – Damon and Caroline will wait at the highway, the rest of us will meet Elijah and Rebekah at the house and make the exchange. Elena and I haven't pitched in at all, really – my eyes looking in hers, hers looking into mine, my hands deep in my pockets to keep them from going rogue and touching her face.

"Alright, lets go." Bonnie sighs, cutting her eyes from Elena, to me, then back to Elena, closing the conversation.

Just as the circle begins to disintegrate, our gravity pulls at us and we each take a step towards each other, my hands are slipping into her hair, her hands beneath my leather jacket, when Caroline says with a laugh, "Whoa. Hold on! I need to talk to Stefan."

A little frustrated by the interruption, a little not wanting to tell Caroline goodbye, I lick my lips, graze my thumb across Elena's jaw line as she nods an 'ok'.

I'm trying to think of words to use to tell Caroline, but the moment we get a few feet away and she hugs my shoulders tightly, I change my mind. She's happy. We're waking Klaus… I don't need to darken this day for her. "I'm so scared!" She says through a tight smile and hunched shoulders, the gentle fall breeze pushing her curls off of her shoulders. "He's going to be so pissed off at me!"

I force a smile as I check my watch – half an hour – then look back at Elena, intently speaking with Gia. "It'll be okay, Ker." It's all I've got. I can't do this right now. I have thirty minutes left in my life and I'm not going to spend it talking about Klaus.

"You think so? Really? I mean," She pushes her hair behind her ears, looks over at Damon who is still burning a hole into me with his stare. "I know he'll be mad, but he'll get over it, right?"

I look at my watch again, twenty nine minutes.

Taking Caroline by her shoulders, I hug her, her arms around my waist. "It's going to be okay. You're going to have a long and happy life." I feel her smile against my shoulder and our embrace tightens a bit – she can tell this is a goodbye, but I know she thinks it's because I'm with Elena and she's with Klaus… nothing more. "Thank you, Caroline. Really, you made the worst years of my life much easier to tolerate." I laugh at my choice of words just as she playful smacks my back, pulling away and pretending to be offended – dropped jaw and wide eyes.

That's how I want to remember Caroline Forbes – bright and sunny, smiling and playful. Not telling her and keeping it from Elena until the last minute… any minute now – it was the right choice.

"Wow, Stefan, you're so sweet!" She laughs, tossing her hair over her shoulders with a roll of her eyes.

I'm smiling, but honestly watching her go back to the car with Damon is almost as painful as seeing Lexi staked... I have to look away. My head is down and eyes closed, teeth pressing into my bottom lip when I feel Elena's arm loop with mine – kissing my shoulder and saying in a soft whisper, "Come on, Gia and I need to talk to you."

I nod, lacing my fingers with Elena's and letting her lead me back to the Explorer as Damon takes off in a screech of tires against pavement towards the old witch house. I can't watch the car going – my brother, my best friend – keeping my eyes on the hibernating brown grass beneath my boots as I walk behind Elena. I find it a bit strange when she opens the back passenger door and I spot Gia sitting in the drivers seat. She and Bonnie brought Bonnie's car… frowning, confused, I look at Elena but get nothing from her neutral face.

Elena climbs in next to me and I quickly get the feeling that out of the three of us, I'm the odd man out – the one not included in some conversation already had – Elena and Gia share a long look, a few deep breaths, before they both turn to me in unison.

"What's wrong?" I already know what this is about – Gia told Elena. I can't be mad. I told Gia that I would tell Elena everything … how could she know that I backed out? How can I blame Gia for me being selfish and wanting to spend the last few hours with Elena in good spirits?

"You two need to talk, Stefan." Gia sighs, shrugging, still looking at Elena.

I open my mouth to speak, to apologize to Elena who is looking at me with pursed lips and worried eyes, but she starts before I can.

"Stefan, I –" She swallows, looks away for a moment, then back at my face – but not my eyes.

Now I know something's wrong… this is how Elena confesses; when she tells me something she knows I will not like; Damon, her deals with Elijah, going to Spain alone. Still holding my hand, her thumb grazes over my wedding band, her dark lashes are sparkling with pooled tears in the late day sun. "I can't let you do this."

This is exactly what I didn't want – I didn't want to see Elena in this kind of pain, crying, holding my hand tightly and her bottom lip quivering. It hurts me. More than anything I've experienced. It hurts me with a pain that I cannot explain when I make Elena cry. Still, she's beautiful.

Brushing her hair back with my fingers, I rest my hand against the curve of her neck and wipe at her wet cheek, "Elena, no please don't be upset. This is how it should be." She's shaking her head no. "It's the only way I can put an end to all of the darkness I brought into your life."

"Please, Stefan, don't say that." She's crying harder and we fall into a tight embrace – I guess it's because I've made my peace with it, but somehow I'm keeping it together. "You're the only light I've ever had."

I smile – amused by how Elena's love for me has tainted her vision of things. All of this, all of these tears, Allie being held ransom by the founders of the vampire race, all of the people in her life that she's lost since I purposely ran into her in the halls of Mystic Falls – all of that weight, that pain, it all belongs to me. Every drop of blood is on my hands.

"Stefan, I – I'm so scared."

"You and Allie, you're going to be fine. You're going to be okay. I put the cashier's checks in the glove compartment. You've got nearly two million dollars to go and do and be anyone you want to be."

"But, I-"

Her voice catches and I hold her a bit tighter, my hands moving up and down her back and I'm praying to God that I can make it until she leaves with Allie safe in her arms before I crash. "I love you, Elena. No matter what, I'll always love you."

"It should be me. I can't protect her. I can't keep us safe, Stefan" She's speaking in a rapid pace, her tone choppy from the tears and her hands fisting into the leather of my jacket. "I don't know how to run! Stefan, you have to take her and you have to run and keep her safe! Don't let them hurt our baby! Please Stefan. I'm so sorry… I took the fig powder –"

I can't hear her. Did I hear her? I can feel her jaw moving against my shoulder but I can't really make sense of anything – my ears are ringing, a piercingly high pitched tone… something like when I woke in that morgue and thought the Originals had killed Elena.

Backing away and pulling Elena away from me at the same time, I stare out her mouth as it moves, forming silent words. Through the ringing in my ears and the swooshing of blood in my body I can make out her words just enough to register them… just enough to really begin to panic.

"…heard them, so I took the powder and I'm so scared. I'm terrified of losing Allie and of her not having her mother. But I need her to grow up and get married and fall in love like how I love you! I don't know what else to do! You're the only one who can keep her safe!"

I hadn't noticed the SUV moving, but now that I'm feeling nauseous, the gentle sway of traveling on the road and making the turn onto the gravel farm road that leads to the witch house makes my stomach fall to the floor. Forcing my stomach bile back down my throat, I lean over, resting my elbows on my knees and listening to Elena speaking in rapid-fire about how she's wants me take Allie and how she's not going to see her grow up - I want to comfort her but I'm crumbling. I feel my skin break out into a cold sweat, my fingers are trembling against my face, my whole body begins to shake…

I can only think of one way of saving her and that's by breaking her one wish – to not become a vampire.

"My blood." I croak out through a tight throat and my face in my hands. "You have my blood in your system."

Gia gives a small sigh and responds as Elena lays over on my back, her face against my shoulder blade and one hand in my hair. "I don't know if it will work, Stefan."

Dropping my hands, I look up at Gia through the rearview mirror – her brow is furrowed and the light brown eyes I've always found so comforting seem deeply troubled, causing my gut to wrench even harder. "What do you mean? Why wouldn't it work?" I wish I didn't sound so panicked; slightly short of breath and my voice full of grit.

"There are so many things. She's a doppelganger – that's a variable in the magic that comes into play that no one can predict. She's human and the fig powder may not have absorbed into her blood stream, we are not at the temples, this is not the night of Lupercalia, I do not have a strong force behind me like when the covenant circled together…" Blinking away tears, Gia looks her age – she looks every day of fifteen and carrying far too much responsibility when she looks back at me through the reflection and apologizes in a quivering voice, "I'm so sorry. I just cannot be sure."

I don't want to cause her any more pain, give any more weight to her already loaded shoulders, so I stop myself before I finish my sentence, "So, Elena's go—"

I just can't speak the words. My lips refuse to form the syllabus required to speak my thought aloud – Elena's going to die.

"Elena, please… no." I don't know why am I am begging or what I am asking her for. But I turn to her and pull Elena against my body tighter than I've ever held her. I fear I may be hurting her, holding her for the last time. The tears running down my face disappear into her hair as I speak into her ear, inhaling her for the last time. My lungs sharing oxygen with her lungs for the last time. "I can't do this. I don't know how to be without you."

She kisses me, her salty tears on my tongue for the last time.

"You can do anything, Stefan. You're the strongest, most intelligent, capable man. You don't need me."

When I rock a bit, the SUV coming to a stop behind Bonnie's car, I feel like the floor is falling out from beneath me, my eyes dancing from her face to Bonnie's brake lights in the near dusk night, to Elena's wet, shining lips, then caught up by endless, deep brown eyes… the last time I'll be able to hold her face in my hands. The last time I'll look into her eyes.

BONNIE's POV

One look at Stefan and I know that Elena and Gia have told him.

I've always had a healthy fear of Stefan and his blood lust and his strength, but there is something about seeing him like this; torn down and deconstructed, holding Elena's hand and moving almost on auto-pilot – it's truly terrifying.

Gia said that she and I need to stay strong, appear confident – I'm trying so hard, wiping the tears from my face as soon as they leave my lashes, but Elena is trying to comfort Stefan and it's just heartbreaking.

"If she gives you trouble about taking a bath, just offer to put bubbles in it and she'll give in." My eyes are on the fallen, damp leaves that cover the path we're on, but from the corner of my eye I see her hug against his arm as he nods in silence. "Allie loves fruit, but don't let her eat too much or she'll get a stomach ache. And if she says she wants coffee she means chocolate milk… she likes to drink it out of a coffee mug with me in the mornings." Elena's voice breaks from the distant, cool tone, and I immediately look up – catching Stefan wrapping his arm around her and kissing her hair. "She's, um" Now Elena is really crying and I can't stop my tears from falling faster – I grew up without my mom, I know what Allie is in for. "She's scared of the dark, so I packed her princess nightlight."

"Don't worry, Elena, I'll take care of her." Stefan says, barely loud enough for me to hear, but it breaks my heart for her and it breaks my heart for him and I'm so angry that this how things are going to end for my best friend and her soulmate. I want to tell her that she may be fine – she may wake up a vampire and then she can feed off of me and she and Stefan and Allie can run together. But there is something in the heavy evening air, a weighted feeling that tells me to keep quiet, don't give them false hope… let them have their moment of closure, let them say their goodbyes.

For once, I don't butt in. I don't give my opinion. I don't ruin what they have and I wish to God I would have taken this high road more often in the past.

STEFAN's POV

I'm praying and pleading and I'm begging God and making every bargain I can think of as I hold Elena against me, closing the distance and taking step after step – bringing her closer to Elijah – wishing I would have stayed away from her when I woke as human in Rome. I've failed… as I lead Elena to her death, I know I have failed.

"Stefan." Rebekah coos at me, her voice has always been slightly snake like – too smooth, slippery and cold in her thick accent. It's instinct to step in front of Elena, protect her from Rebekah as she steps from the trees – I'm scanning the near dark and spot a large black SUV parked to the far right of the house. "We were beginning to wonder if you'd backed out of our deal and sent your brother and the blond in your place." I'm about to ask her what she's talking about, but my voice stops when I hear Caroline scream. My body flinches to move, but I can't leave Elena… I won't. Flipping her hair back, Rebekah adds, "As you can imagine, Elijah is not happy with her." Caroline's voice cuts into the damp air once more and bounces from the thick trees surrounding us. "Come on… let's get this over with, shall we?"

Rounding the last curve of the path, my eyes land on Caroline immediately – Elena's grip on my hand squeezes tightly as she takes in the sight of Caroline tied down, burn marks over her bare arms and legs, and Elijah standing over her, taunting her skin with a burning torch. It's a lot like the sun and the moon curse – the helpless feeling of knowing I've lost, the suffocating regret of ever beginning down this road. As we move closer to them, I realize Caroline is not tied down – her hands and her feet are staked straight thru and nailed to the ground.

"Stop!" I yell, again moving in front of Elena as we approach - Elijah lowers the torch to Caroline's face. "That's enough, Elijah!"

The way Elijah moves, slow and smooth, it's eerie – lifting the flame from Caroline just before it touched her skin and pivoting to face his sister escorting the four of us, he gives a smile when he spots me. I wonder if he's finding pleasure in my appearance – I'm a mess, a crumpled and worn version of the vampire he's used to seeing. When his smile widens, I'm sure of it. He's proud of what he's done to me.

"Hello, Stefan. Elena." Giving us each a formal nod, he tosses the torch onto the ground, too close to Caroline for my liking, but I can't deal with that right now. As Caroline's cries quiet down, I pick up the near silent sound of barely-there whimpers… shivering cries muffled by what I imagine are tiny, three year old hands.

"Where is she? Where's Allie?" I'm searching the open courtyard of the dilapidated plantation style home, trying to find where the cries of my daughter are coming from. "Is she hurt?"

"Not yet." Rebekah quips, licking her fangs with her tongue in a grotesque attempt at being sexy.

The growl that escapes me is intentional. I want to rip her into pieces just like I did her brother.

"You two." Elijah huffs, wiping his hands on a snow white handkerchief, kicking a little dirt into Caroline's face, then looking to Elena as he says, "I don't think their romance was ever settled." When I don't respond to his goading, he continues. "I see you brought along you're witches. Let's get started then and you can have your spawn – unharmed, as per our agreement."

It just hits me that this may end in more bloodshed than has already been promised – I negotiated my life, not Elena's.

Swallowing hard, I force my lungs to give my vocal chords air – to create a voice and my lips to form words – words that sound foreign. I have to look back at her, look deep into her endless eyes for the strength. "Elena is going to do the sacrifice."

Pursing her lips, she nods and raises my hand to her face – kissing my wedding band.

"That is not our deal, Stefan." Elijah's voice is lower now – there's no doubt in my mind that he's not happy with this turn of events. "You took the life of my brothers. You've trapped Klaus for years, now. It is not Elena's life that I desire."

"It's the only way." Gia calls from behind me, taking wide steps as she passes Elena and I, closing the distance to where Elijah is standing over Caroline. "Elena, or not at all."

"Let's kill her, Elijah." Rebekah whines, moving in a slow circle around us.

I'm watching her, ready for her to make a move so I can kill Elijah's last sibling, but he speaks before she loses her patience and before I get my vengeance.

"You Salvatore's. It never ends well for those you love… I believe I recall Niklaus warning you, Stefan. Didn't he say you'd be death of her?" I hope Elijah doesn't see how painful the truth is when I hear it aloud… I am the cause of Elena's death. This is the cost for loving me. "Well come on then, hand her over."

I feel Elena clutch onto my arm, feel the tremor go through her body.

"Give us Allie. Allie first." I can't speak in full sentences. "And Caroline." I'm facing my nightmare – Elena dying – and I'm losing.

With a roll of his eyes, Elijah gestures with his hand to the SUV and Rebekah speeds across the yard as he pulls the stakes from Caroline's hands and feet.

"Mommy!" Allie screams, running at full speed on her little legs – her clothes are dirty, scuffs against her soft, round face. Elena lets go of my hand and falls to her knees as Allie slams into her body. I can't watch and I can't look away – my wife and my daughter, sobbing into one another's embrace; this is their goodbye.

"Allie. Allie, are you okay, sweetheart?"

"Mommy, I was so scared!"

"It's okay, you're okay now." I watch as Elena calms our daughter, brushing her hair down with her fingers, holding her small face in her hands. Shushing her cries and kissing her cheeks.

"I want to go home, Mommy!" Allie cries loudly, the wild look in her eyes shakes me to my core.

"Calm down, baby. It's okay. You're okay." As Allie's cries begin to ease, Elena looks to me, then to Caroline – limping towards me, holding my shoulder for balance. When I look to Caroline, my stomach sinks, my muscles ache with knowledge of what is to come – Bonnie and Gia are standing with Elijah as Rebekah pulls Klaus' coffin from the SUV – they're watching us, waiting. "I want you to go with Caroline."

"No!" Allie cries, clinging to Elena's neck. "No mommy! I want to stay with you!"

"I'll be right behind you. I'll come with you okay. I just have to stay behind for a bit." I'm amazed at how smooth Elena's voice is – soft and confident, motherly and full of love. Pulling Allie's dirty arms with scraped elbows from around her neck, Elena looks at our daughter and gives a sweet smile, "Trust me?" Allie nods, softly, barely there. "Go with Caroline. Stefan will come and get you and we'll all meet up very soon. Okay?" Again she nods, I can't see Allie's face, but I can hear her shaky breath. "I love you. I love you, Allie. Remember that, always. I love you."

I have to close my eyes – I can't watch Elena kissing her forehead, telling our daughter goodbye. I just can't. I have to make it through this, I have to keep Allie safe… I can't let myself crumble.

When Allie's crying starts again, the shrieking cries for her mommy, I open my eyes and see Caroline moving away from us, heading back towards Bonnie and Elena's vehicles, Allie's crying face on her shoulder as she reaches into the night towards Elena – screaming for her mommy.

"Dramatic, just like her mother." I hear Rebekah's snide comment, but do my best to not show her I heard.

Wiping her eyes with the back of her hands, Elena looks to me with that same confident, _its going to be alright _smile and reaches her hand out for mine. "Ready?"

Biting my shaking lip hard between my teeth, I don't lie – I can't. My brow knitted together, I close my eyes and shake my head no. I can't do this. I can't let her die. I can't live with her.

"Stefan." When she says my name, wrapping her arms around my neck, pressing her face against my neck, I can't enjoy it – my only thought is that this will be the last time she ever hugs me. The last time I'll hear my name in Elena's voice.

"Please…" I cry, my fingers kneading against the small of her back. "I can't. Not without you."

Elena kisses my neck, then my jawline, once on my lips, then takes my face in her hands and looks into my eyes – her deep endless dark eyes to my green, "Run. Take our perfect, sweet little girl and go somewhere you've never been. Keep her safe and love her and be her father."

I know it's a silly question – she's not going to make it. Elena is not going to live through this, but the words escape my shaking lips, "How will you find us?"

Kissing me again – hard and desperate – she rests her forehead against mine, her fingers brush back the short hair over my ears. "I love you" When she steps away, my arms reach out for her and I step with her – I can't let her go – but Elena gently pushes my hands down, then takes another step away, leaving me. "I'll always find my way back to you, Stefan."

DAMON's POV

I'm nearly back from my car, carrying the bags of Kol's body parts that I've offered Elijah along with Caroline's life, and I'm moving as quickly as I can when I pick up the sounds of chanting – Latin chanting in female voices.

Dropping the bags, I speed the rest of the distance, turning the last curve I start to yell – to tell them to stop and that I have Kol, but I run into Stefan.

I run into Stefan?

"What are you doing?" I ask – taking in his scrunched up face and furrowed brow, the shaking of his body. "Where's Elena! What are you doing?" I push him out of my way. "You left her?"

He shrugs, crying harder than I've seen before. "She swallowed the fig tree powder before Bonnie could stop her."

"No!" I push him again and this time he fights back, holding me. I know what that means… but I can't fail. "Let go of me, Stefan!" I shove harder. I need to save my brother's wife. I need to stop this. I need to save my brother. It's my job. A job I've failed at over and over! "Move, Stefan!" I try again – this time throwing a hard left hook and knocking him to one knee.

Stefan is stronger than me – with Kol's blood in his system and his odd strength from becoming a vampire twice – so I'm ready for him to fight back, but he stays on the ground as the chanting picks up along with the cool wind.

"Fight me!" I hit him again. Hard. As hard as I can! I want him to get up and fight or come with me and save Elena. But he just stays on his knees, his nose bleeding from my punches, accepting the beating. "Stefan, get up! Fight!"

Grabbing his jacket, I pull my brother to his feet – shaking him. "Damnit, Stefan!"

He just cries – the latin loud in our sensitive ears, the wind now whipping through the trees. I move to hit him again. I don't know why. It's just our natural way, I guess – fighting. But when I start to bring a third fist to his face something in me stops, probably the way he's looking at me… I can see my little brother, just six years old, crying like this at our mothers' grave. The same red lips with his teeth pressed into them, the same bloodshot green eyes, the same lost look on his face … so I do as I should have done then, I hug my baby brother.

ELENA's POV

With Klaus' coffin next to me, Rebekah and Elijah are creating the circle with Bonnie and Gia – they're all holding hands as Bonnie and Gia's chanting gets quieter.

It doesn't hurt. I know it's happening when I start to lose the sensation of the cool, damp ground against my back and legs, when I can no longer feel the dirt against the palms of my hands. My mind starts to slow, my breathing calming from its rapid and rhythm-less pace. It's probably a survival instinct, the picturing of Allie when she was a baby, wobbling across the Persian rug at my parents' home – her wide, toothless smile and bright green eyes that look so much her like her fathers. My memory starts to play my happiest thoughts – playing tea party with Allie, making love with Stefan in so many scenarios, seeing him in history class that first day, waking up next to him, holding Allie for the first time, hearing her say Mommy, getting my first kiss from her tiny little lips. I see my mom and dad and Jeremy sitting around the kitchen table – laughing and talking, the sun bright through the windows the leaves of the trees outside shining and green.

Green like Stefan's eyes, green like Allie's eyes.

It's peaceful, calm and still. The cool air slowly replaced by warmth. My mom's voice playing through my mind, telling me it's okay, to rest.

With a slow exhale, I do as she asks, and I let go.

****Epilogue to follow****


	26. Chapter 26

**EPILOGUE – THE BROKEN**

_I thought for sure, today was the day. Just like I thought yesterday was. And the day before that… and the 96 days before that were._

_February 17__th__. That's when I woke in Rome. That's the day I gutted the loaf of French bread and the day my life as a human started. I thought for sure, today was the day. _

_I keep telling myself it's probably a time zone issue. Thailand is five hours ahead of Rome, though… so I'm thinking in circles. I'm usually good with math, with calculations in my mind, but I just can't think today. I haven't ate. I'm just not hungry… not for blood. I just miss you._

_You can't grasp how badly I miss you, Elena. How I wake up every few hours reaching out for you. I dream of your face every single night and it hurts me, its like losing you all over again every time I wake up and you're not there. Most nights I spend sitting outside of Allie's bedroom door and listening to her sleep while I replay every time you smiled at me. I miss your smile most of all. What I would give for just one more time to see your smiling face._

_Allie asks about you – probably three or four times a day. I give my standard answer, you're coming. You'll be here soon. She knows Elijah killed Matt and I swear I see a fear in her eyes like she knows you aren't coming... I've asked her what happened but she doesn't want to talk about it and quickly shuts down, finds something else to discuss or just leaves the room. Its terrible that a four year old perfect little girl has to deal with these things._

_Yesterday, she asked me if I was her father. I don't know how she picked it up. I haven't said anything, and I don't think you had either, but we were sitting in the floor of the living room and she was putting hair bows in my hair – just out of the blue she says "Stefan, are you my daddy and Mommy is my mommy?"_

_I choked up. I know we planned on telling her together… but I choked and told her. Not everything. I didn't go into the supernatural element of it all… just that you and I love each other very much. That we are married but we'd got separated on accident. I explained me not being around in the past by telling her that I didn't know where you were and you didn't know how to contact me. I don't know… I'm doing my best Elena, but I'm not as good at this as you are. _

_The guys at work get a good laugh at my painted fingernails and the bit of glitter I can never seem to get off of my face after Allie does a makeover on me. I love her. I think she knows I love her. I mean, I tell her over and over… but I'm no replacement for you, not by a long shot. Before bed we read a few books and I do the voices of the characters and she laughs, but again, I know I'm not doing the voices as good as you would have. She really misses you._

_I miss you. _

_Allie is doing great in school. She's so smart, Elena. There have been a few times that I've wondered if maybe she's too smart… if maybe you being a doppelganger and me being… whatever I was when we made love on the couch that night – its crossed my mind that she may be more than normal. I hope not… I truly hope she is just a plain little girl, but even our housekeeper mentioned how intuitive Allie seems to be. _

_I wish I could talk to Bonnie or Jeremy – they'd know more about how she's been in the past. Since that November night, I haven't talked with anyone. Not Damon, not Caroline… no one. They don't know where we are and I think its for the best… that way Klaus cannot use that knowledge as leverage. Trust me, I've wondered if maybe you're alive and drinking blood bags in Mystic Falls, waiting on me… but I can't chance it. _

_I promised you I would take care of Allie – you gave up your life for me to save our daughter, for me to be her father… I won't let you down, not again._

"You stick out like a sore thumb" Looking up, I find a familiar face – a guy that works at the docks with me. "Only rich white guy in town, drinking imported dark ale. If you're going for inconspicuous, you're failing."

Jettrin – that's his name – taking a seat next to me at the bar, I close my journal and take a pull from my beer, contemplating his words… he's right. "I've never been good as discreet."

"You'd draw less attention if you weren't so… odd." He laughs, then orders a Singha in a bottle in Thai. I'm surprised by his perfect English now that I know he also speaks the native language. Watching him from the corner of my eyes, I wonder if he's going for inconspicuous too. It's strange that the two of us work at a dock doing manual labor – he's obviously educated. "The locals have their theories about the white man on the beach."

I force myself not to face him, not to look too interested, "Oh?"

"Mae thinks you're daughter is a tree spirit." He laughs, so I do to, but honestly, I'm a little concerned that he knows our house keeper and even more worried that Mae thinks Allie is a spirit. "I'm sure it's her light eyes and light hair."

"Hmm, probably." I take another drink, then count out to five in order to make my question seem nonchalant. "What did she say?"

"Haven't you noticed the ribbons and broken Buddah's around your trees?" Jettrin laughs again, already halfway through his beer. I have noticed, but thought nothing of it. I don't know much about the Thai culture. I make a mental note to Google this the moment I get home… and to fire Mae. "She told my mother that your kid finishes her sentences and answers questions that she hasn't asked yet."

With that, I decide it's time for me to go – my hour away from the house to pay a few bills was a bad idea. "Check?" I ask, gesturing to the bartender. "Hello?" The older man doesn't seem to hear me at all, just continues to dry bar glasses and look into the murky water.

Jettrin says something to him in Thai, slapping my shoulder as he speaks, and the bartender moves to get my bill.

"Thanks." I nod, standing and getting out from his touch. I haven't ate today… I'm not really hungry, but I could see how easily this worry could push me to feed. My wobble catches me off guard – not even a beer down and I'm buzzing – but I blame it on my empty stomach as I toss a $10 on the bar.

"You should have your kid teach you Thai if you're going to stay." Jettrin looks me over. I feel out of place in my American guy wardrobe of flip flops, cargo shorts, and a button up blue shirt… much too overdressed for this seaside bar, much too American to be discreet. "I have to ask, why are you here? And why in the hell are you working at a dock when you obviously have money?"

I regret buying the house during these types of encounters – it's happened a few times now. Mae asked, now Jettrin, a few others at work…

I bought the house because it has a wrap-around front porch with a swing that looks out west over the ocean. I bought the house because it has a large backyard with two trees just far enough apart for a tree hammock. I bought the house because it sits right against the beach – close to the ocean, with a sandy front lawn for our kids to play in… it was everything Elena told me she wanted.

Rubbing my face hard with my hand, I swallow the emotions running through me – force down the aching of missing her – and give my standard answer. "I don't know, man. I just get bored. Thailand seemed like a cool place and I like to work, so… here I am." I see it in his black eyes, the acceptance of the rich white guy that can do and go anywhere he wants but chooses to live in this small, rural fishing village just south of Sikao.

I'm already to my car by the time I catch his words about Allie teaching me Thai.

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

"Stefan, can we have pizza tonight?" Allie asks, holding my pointer finger as she walks ahead of me a few steps.

She talks all the time – usually not to me, just talking. I thought for the longest time that it was just how four year olds were, I even googled it and its not abnormal, but the more I listen to her talk, the more it sounds like she's answering questions… it's been a few days since my odd encounter with Jettrin at that bar and I decide today is as good of a day as any to test it out.

I'm dirty from my shift at the dock and Allie is in her private school uniform, both of us tired from the day and feeling quite hungry while we shop at the local grocery store – just a hole in the wall place that has limited selection of anything that she and I recognize. Frozen pizza isn't an option – I'll have to make it, but that's fine. The last time we made it, she and I used the pepperoni to make her initials out on the pizza. Smiling with the thought, I say aloud "Sure." Then think to myself: _What kind do you want? Pepperoni?_

Instantly, not a second passes after I think the words, Allie answers. "I just want a cheese one. Oh. Look! Ice cream! Can we get some, daddy?"

I forget what I was doing – my testing… she called me daddy.

My daughter just called me daddy.

She could have anything in the world she could dream of… I'd give it to her.

Through a wide smile and watery eyes, I open the freezer door for her as she's still too short – petite like Elena, even her hair is getting darker. "Sure, pick out the one you want."

The walk home is quiet on my end – thrown off guard by the pending storm moving in from the west and by Allie calling me daddy, now a handful of times. Since my hands are full of the bags, Allie walks a few feet ahead of me as she talks about nothing in specific and think about Matt, about Damon and Caroline, about Bonnie and Jeremy and Gia… of course Elena. How could I not? The storm is creating that vibe in the air – like anticipation of rain and wind and thunder – and it's a lot like our gravity. I haven't felt it since I walked away from her, leaving her with Elijah, but I've mistook these ocean storms more than once.

The wall clouds and vortex of ocean water into the atmosphere, the gusting of wind, the salt in the air – I don't know why it feels so much like the chest pressure push/pull, but it does… and it makes me miss her tenfold. I miss feeling like my body was grounded and electrified when I was with Elena. The closer Allie and I get to the house, moving closer to the storm moving in, the harder it gets to breath.

"Do you feel that, Allie?" I ask, watching Allie kick a rock down the sidewalk. "Can you feel the storm?"

She giggles, giving a ballerina twirl – silly girl, she makes me smile – "No Daddy! How do you feel a storm?" She's right. How do you feel a storm I'm trying to remember if I felt this way about bad weather before I became a predator when Allie says, "Why is your face like that?"

I laugh, straightening up my furrowed forehead. "I was thinking."

"Not your wrinkles! Your cheeks – they're hairy!"

CAROLINE's POV

I'm so tired today. I mean really beat down. I keep thinking I should head back to my apartment and get a blood bag or two, but all I can think of is the Dove Dark Chocolate at the receptionists desk. She's not there – as it's 11pm and I've just pulled a ten hour shift covering a prison riot in Houston – so I decide to raid her stash.

Stepping off of the elevator, I slip off of my heel, but catch myself against the wall before I fall. Silently thanking God no one was around to see my near tumble, I straighten up my kohl grey pencil skirt and attempt a more graceful walk to the empty desk in the glass lobby.

Slipping behind the half circle, stone desk, I move into her wide leather chair and kick off my heels, curling my legs beneath me and taking the plastic canister of chocolate into my lap as the seat slowly swirls.

I'm half way through my third piece, really enjoying the semi-sweetness melting against my tongue, when I hear a knock against the glass. It's normal for hobo's and other what-nots to try and get into the lobby for warmth or air conditioning or bathroom use, so I don't even turn around – just pop the other half of my third piece into my mouth and start unwrapping a fourth. The knock comes again, harder this time.

Sticking to my plan, I bite into the fourth piece but grow tired of the incessant knocking, standing – barefoot on the cold marble floor and turning to the lobby door with an aggravated expression on my face.

I nearly fall. Not because I'm clumsy. Not because I'm tired or drunk on chocolate… but it's his bleach blue eyes and blond lashes, the mess of light brown hair on his head, those pink lips… smiling at me from behind the glass.

It's all I can do to not run to him. I want to! I want to run and jump into his arms and kiss him and hold him and tell him how much I've missed him in the past five years – but he can be terrible. He can be evil and cold, so I hesitate, holding my initial reaction – instead I take slow, smooth steps to the glass door. The way he's looking at me, watching me, looking me up and down with that cats smile on his face – I think I already know the answer, but I have to ask.

As amazing and loving and warm as he can be… Klaus can turn on a dime.

"Klaus?" It's cliché' but I cant stop my hand from touching the glass separating us. It's been more than five years since I've been this close to him and I can hardly believe it.

Matching my wide smile, he says "Open the door, Sweetheart."

I start to – my other hand is holding the deadbolt – but I have to ask, I have to know what I'm letting in. "Are you… do… are you mad at me?"

He laughs, putting his hands on the glass in front of his shoulder, "Yes. Yes I am. Of course I am, my darling - but I think I may be more happy to see you than I am angry. If you'll just open this door, I'd like to give you a proper kiss."

DAMON's POV

"Atleast you found out the easy way! I was half way through a bag of blood, gagging mind you, when I finally threw it up." I laugh, looking at my face in the rearview mirror, still unable to believe it.

Caroline giggles into the phone and I hear Klaus's accent – but I can't pick up what he said, my hearing less sensitive as a human. "Isn't this amazing! I just, I can't get over it! Human! We're human!"

Just like staking an Original would kill their entire bloodline, it worked the same when Bonnie and Gia exchanged Elena for Klaus – he woke as human. Days later, so did Rebekah and Elijah. Little did they know, Gia's plan of bringing them in on the spell worked. If I knew how to contact her, I'd thank her.

Not once in 156 years did I ever say it outloud – okay maybe once – but I wanted to be human so badly. More than anything… but I couldn't let myself even think about it. It was an impossible thing to hope for – a waste of energy.

"Does he know about Elena?" I ask, hopeful for some more good news. I woke up this morning, expecting yet another endless day in an endless life and was surprised by what I assume will be arthritis in my shoulder in a few years and a hangover like never before. I know I'm asking for too much by hoping Elena made it.

When Caroline pauses, she gives herself away. "She didn't wake afterwards… Klaus stayed for a few days, looking out for her because of his fondness for Stefan, but – no, nothing."

Pursing my lips, I pull into the garage and consider punching the steering wheel – deciding against it when I remember that shit hurts now. "So, what? They buried her?"

"He put her in his coffin."

"Oh that fucking poetic." I snarl, stepping out of my car and slamming the door shut.

Caroline jumps to a response, "He could've just left her, Damon, but he didn't! From what he can tell she was in the same state that he was… comatose, or whatever. So she's in his coffin and she's in their crypt, and – and all we can do is wait."

"For what?" Opening the door to the Salvatore House, something feels different, but I continue down the long entry hall, tossing my keys on to the soft table; keeping my eye out for something… anything, whatever feels strange. "Waiting on another ancient fig tree to grow from the foothills of Rome? Not gonna happen."

"Damon. Can you not be an ass? Just five minutes? We are human, we have lives… Stefan has Allie." I spot her boots first, curving up her slender calves, my eyes moving up her body – her long dark hair hanging in those curls that I imagine fisting my hands into. "Elena wouldn't want us to sit around worrying, crying… besides, I still have faith that she's going to wake up and find us."

When my eyes reach her face – red lips, dark lined eyes – I suppress a smile "Caroline, I'll call you back. Something I've been waiting on a very long time has just shown up."

"Damon Salvatore." Her voice goes all over me, tingling through my skin.

Licking my lips, anticipating tasting her kiss, I reply, "Katherine."

STEFAN's POV

"Daddy, you look like a soap monster!" Allie squeals as she runs from me through the open living room, around the dining table, and back down the hall towards her room. I'm chasing her with shaving cream on my face and a glop of it in each hand.

"Come here, Allie. Give me kiss!" I laugh, pretending to miss her as she runs past me.

Catching her now – me on one side of the sofa and her on the other, I give my best monster voice "I've got you now, my pretty!" and she laughs like she's never heard anything funnier. Moving quickly to her right, I move to my left. When she tries going to her left, I move too and she's stuck.

Very dramatic, she puts her hand on her hand and says "Fine, monster – come get me then!"

With a laugh I hop of the couch, thankful that I'm still graceful and athletic enough to not have trouble, and Allie's squeals out a giggle as I mush the shaving cream onto her tiny little cheeks. The doorbell ringing is the only thing that stops me from covering her with shaving cream kisses.

"Don't go anywhere, I'll be back." I smile to my daughter, laying the floor and gently touching the dollops of shaving cream on her face.

Moving to the door, I take a deep breath in as the chest pressure feeling from the three day storm is getting to be too much – very heavy against my lungs. Pulling off my tee shirt, I use it to wipe my face and clean off my hands, dropping it on the floor just before I open the door to the heavy rain.

ELENA's POV

My Greek God. His beautiful Roman face in need of a shave. My husband.

I want to touch him – my hands need to feel his warm skin, taste his lips – but I don't move as his green eyes are telling, he's unsure. Looking at me like I'm an apparition, an imposter, maybe even Katherine.

You have no idea what it feels like to see him – half of me thinks he never died, the other half remembers watching him drown in his own blood. I'm elated, overwhelmed with love for him. I open my mouth and let whatever comes out work.

"I remember everything… I remember you and me. Naples, Rome, Miami, everything." He frowns, running his hand through his hair restlessly.

"How?" His voice is rough and quiet, stepping out on the porch so very close to me, closing the door behind him. "How could you know to come here?"

I smile, I can't stop my fingers from touching his forearm – the gravity circling around us, squeezing like a vice. "Outside of that seventies club in Charlottesville, when you wanted me to run away with you, you said we could go to Thailand…" Lifting his hand, he laces his fingers with mine. "You said we could go to Thailand because you'd never been. When I told you to take Allie and run..." I said for him to go someplace he'd never been. When I woke up in that crypt, Katherine waiting on the stone steps next to me – human original doppelganger waiting for her human grandchild to come to – I knew where I would find him. I knew he would be in Thailand. Katherine gave me money and gave me tips on how to find him – she really did spend 150 following Stefan, keeping an eye on him, and she'd gotten quite good at it.

Once I got here and played out all of the other things I'd told him – the west coast was the only choice and it didn't take long before the locals started pointing me to this village.

Those grass green eyes are inspecting my face, looking for any change, and sign that I may not be real. "What makes you think I'd do what you said?" He almost laughs, raising my hand to his face, kissing my fingers and sending waves of heat through me.

"You always listen to me. To every word…" I smile as he brushes my wet hair down with his fingertips, then slips his hand against my face as I lean into his warm touch. "It's one of the million reasons I love you."

"You're not a vampire?" Stefan asks, his voice almost a whisper and I wonder if he can feel my heart against his hand as it's pounding hard and overzealous from his touch. I shake my head no. The curse that plagued him for so many years, that haunted my Stefan – it's finally over, the blood line magic is finally broken.

When he looks at my mouth, I see him lean forward a bit, telling me he wants to kiss me – his hesitation hurts me…

I know it's silly – he's probably just caught off guard – but I've been worried that he moved on, found another. Moving my hands to his waist, the touch of his skin against my over-sensitive finger tips makes me shiver - the way he's looking at me doesn't help, head down, green eyes burning into mine.

I repeat his words – the same question he asked me when he found me in Miami; "Do you still love me?"

Frowning a bit, he shakes his head like I'm ridiculous or like he can't believe I'm here – then finally leans over and kisses me.

Softly, just barely touching his lips against mine, then harder, hungrier – tasting me as I wrap my arms around his waist and for the first time in months I feel alive – the frequency between us revved up to an unimaginable tension, our kiss growing deeper and more passionate with Stefan's hand in my hair, the other pressing against my back.

A clap of thunder breaks us apart, just enough where we can take in a few breaths, resting our foreheads against each other.

"I love you, Stefan." I sigh, out of breath, still hungry for him… I'll never be satisfied.

Kissing my forehead, he hugs me tightly. "I love you"

"Soap Monster? Where are you?" Allie's voice rings out like a bell, sing-songy as she playfully calls out.

I feel myself light up, nearly float away I'm so happy to hear her voice – I'd assumed she was at school but just couldn't wait. Once the old man at the bar told me where the rich, American, single father lived, I couldn't wait another minute.

"Come inside. Allie has asked about you every day, ten times or more."

Taking my hand he starts to open the door, but stops just before, turning to me – somehow knowing I'm hesitant, nervous for some reason. Everything I could ever ask for is through that door. Stefan, my wonderful, human husband, Allie, our beautiful daughter, a future together, having more children and growing old and creating beautiful, darkness free memories… it's all just three steps away. It's almost unbelievable.

Raising my hand, Stefan presses his lips to my fingers, "Ready?"

Just like always, his grass green eyes calm me, they warm me. His Roman, beautiful face makes me smile and I kiss him once more – soft and sweet on his lips. "Ready."

****AND THAT IS ALL FOR MY 'THE VAMPIRE DIARIES TRILOGY – STANDING ALONE/THE LASTING TRUTH OF CHANGE/THE BROKEN – I would love to know what you think! Please feel free to comment/review below and follow me on Twitter IChooseStefan! ****

**THANKS FOR READING – HOPE YOU ENJOYED IT!**


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